Categories
Gay

Oscar Wilde

Duncan Roy and Wendy Asher

Oscar Wilde enjoyed the extravagant promises of the Victorian Age, capturing the imagination of London’s aesthetic elite. However, beyond the enlightened few, everything about the man provoked consternation to the prudish, hypocritical Victorians—from the green carnation in his buttonhole to his sensational novel, The Picture of Dorian Gray.

Like his suits, Wilde, a tireless self-promoter and purveyor of the unforgettable bon mot, was exquisitely tailored. While young, he was best dressed in bold plaid, plus fours, starched shirts with high, tight collars or gabardine suits cut short above the hip. Wilde traded his own slender, youthful visage (French
pleated hair and Cupid lips) for a bloated middle age rife with extravagant capes and voluminous fur-lined coats.

In his revisionist biography of Oscar Wilde, Who Was That Man?, Neil Bartlett describes how Wilde became a huge man with a penchant for young, willowy boys. He was an intriguing mass of contradictions: The love letters he sent to his wife, Constance, are as beautiful as the letters he sent to the dark-hearted “Bosie,” his lover. The innocent stories he wrote for his beloved children were a counterpoint to the pornographic tales he created from his forays into London’s dank underworld.

The pornography attributed to Wilde in the British Library, under the pseudonym “Teleny,” reveals his sado-pedophilic fantasies. Young boys figure highly in these violent, disturbing texts. The virginal youths are deflowered by older, cruel men, their innocence torn from them.

In The Picture of Dorian Gray, it is the reworking of these same themes that lead Wilde to his pessimistic and wholly modern conclusions about our shared horror of the loss of youth and how we might reclaim it.

When casting for a perfect Dorian, I was not interested in hiring a great beauty, but rather, a young boy. After all, beauty is subjective, youth indisputable.

For the movie’s Dorian Gray, it was imperative that our actor, David Gallagher, look effortlessly chic. David is very much the stick-thin look of right now and Dior Homme (as reinvented by our costume designer, Hedi Slimane). Dressing the literary youth icon of our age was a perfect solution for us and Dior: Slimane set his homoerotic boy-man aesthetic against the new Puritanism of American mainstream culture.

It is Lord Henry Wotton who appeals to the youthful Dorian Gray and speaks for the moisturized 40-plus generation, when he says to Dorian: “I wish that I could change places with you. To get back my youth; I’d do anything in the world. You are the type that the age is searching for and is afraid that it has already found. The world has always worshipped you—and it always will.”

If Wilde’s sensational sodomy trial had happened today, would the acclaimed wit have ended up in prison? Given that we find it hard to throw celebrities in jail, perhaps not. But Wilde’s predilection for sex with underage boys? I am sure that his hard drive would have been littered with unsavory images of children.

Once in prison, Wilde was given a thin gray cotton shirt and pants. Issey Miyake—or Kim Jong Il—might have gotten a kick out of this minimal Bauhaus look, but Wilde loathed it and woefully described his prison uniform in the poem The Ballad of Reading Gaol. A couple of years later, he was dead. (“It’s either me or the wallpaper.”) But as hard as I look, I cannot discover what he was buried in. Except, of course, shame.

This article was edited by Black Book for whom the piece was originally written.  It has been pointed out to me that Hedi lent us the clothes for Dorian rather than designing them for the film.   I have also been asked what happened to the film.  How did it do?  Well, in my own estimation it did OK.  It closed the London Lesbian and Gay film Festival, opened the Miami G&L film festival and opened the New York G&L film festival amongst others.   It had a small life and then vanished.

Categories
Gay

Really Gay

What kind of man is a gay man?

My newly out friend is delighted that other men don’t realize he is gay.

Isn’t that just the same as being in the closet?

Driving to Hollywood last week Andrew said, “That was a really gay hand gesture..”

I said, “That’s because I AM really gay.”

Gwen, when she saw my white cashmere scarf said, “That scarf makes you look really gay.”

Once again I replied, “That’s because I am really gay.”

In the same way that I have a range of sexual possibilities open to me, I also have an evolved behavioral panoply.  I can be as masculine or as effeminate as I want to be..I am, after all, not playing the role of being a gay man.  I am a gay man..and occasionally I will be aggressive and dominant (traditionally masculine) or on other occasions when I am having a laugh I can prance around my place in imaginary heels lip synching to Lady Gaga.

I can be anything I want as long as I am authentic.  I am not going to affect a deeper voice, a darker personality, limited hand and eye brow movements simply so other men will not realize that I am gay!  It’s exhausting to lie like that.

Whatever I am, I am not striving to be, as Iago said,  not what I am.    Authenticity is key.  I didn’t come out of the closet to start pretending all over again, to start fooling my gay brethren.  To fool their gaydar.  I came out to be who I am.  Not what you want me to be or feel shame about my feminine hand gestures, my flamboyant scarves.  I don’t believe in shame!

FUCK SHAME!

If you think fooling other gay men is where it’s at then you are only fooling yourself.

Equally, gay men who think they are wonderful at divining who is gay are in fact utterly useless at figuring out who is gay because everyone can do gay stuff..I mean..man on man stuff.  Casting a spell like a bad fairy is not ‘gaydar’.  The prisons are chock full of men fucking men who are not gay.

On the whole gay men flag their gayness depending on the tribe that they belong to.

This is exactly why I have stuck with straight identified men..it’s just another tribe of men who fuck men.

Mainstream gay culture,  just like the straight mainstream, is not to my liking.  Frankly, my dears, the mainstream bores me to tears!  Normal+Common=Get Me Out Of Here.

Mainstream Gay Culture:  Ripped bodies shown off in tight tee shirts, tribal posturing, childish Peter Pan excitement, arrested development, intensity over intimacy,  endless flirting and sexing up of every single situation.  What are those huge muscles for?  Pumped up like Greek warriors for no good reason.  All form and no function.  It’s just drag dear!  Those boys can’t fight to save their lives!

If you are coming out today or thinking about it..just remember that you have hidden your true nature for a long, long time.  You may not really have a clue who you are.  All I urge you to do, as best you can, is be true to yourself.

I am in a foul mood, trying to overcome this ghastly malaise that has beset me.

Categories
Dogs Gay Love

i Can’t Help You

Stone

All day the Little Dog has been sick.   He is listless and miserable, his little black nose hot and dry.   I checked his gums but they seem ok.  I get scared that he might die.   The past few months would have been utterly unbearable without him.

At about 7.30 he perked up and has been right as rain ever since.  Leaping all over Eric when he arrived for hastily put together dinner.

He is snuggling in my lap as I write.

I think about the darling big dog.  My darling big dog, I miss her more than I ever did.   I still have daily, violent memories of her broken, bloody body.  Searing into my mind.    Replaying the last few moments of her life before that evil truck scraped her across the road.

My fingers angrily bang the letters of those words onto the page.

I CAN’T HELP YOU.

I blame the man driving the truck.  He did it on purpose.  He didn’t stop.  Bastard.

At moments like this I soothe myself with memories of home.  I think a great deal of England-green and pleasant land.  The Kent countryside, the buses to Canterbury, Georgina, The Goods Shed, etc. etc., I nightly drive through Clowes Wood in my semi conscious state..naked..shameless.

I remember a recurring nightmare:  I am a young boy naked in the schoolyard.  I have no idea where my clothes are or where I lost them.   I hide behind the half door in the toilets as the other children are called to class.  I stand naked in the schoolyard covering myself, the cold wind whipping grit into my eyes.  The other children sitting warm inside at their desks.

Last night as he was with me in my bed I lay thinking of how I might get home safely.  How can I get back home?  For all that raucous, interminable thinking we slept soundly.

I’ve not written a word these past few days.  Full moon blues I call it.   I lost interest in my blog as things calmed down with my (ex?) and my new friend holidayed in Italy.

I had to deal with a moving traffic violation issue that meant going to the Superior Court twice this week.  The judge was very fair and funny but going through a stop sign still cost me $550.  I have opted for community service.  The art auction last Sunday seemed to vindicate my ability to pick the winners.  Things sold mostly at the upper end of the estimate.  I bought a beautiful candle stick by a potter whose name I have forgotten.

Prevaricating.  Stifled.  Tongue-tied.

The point is:  I can’t really write down any of my true feelings.  I am in shut down mode.  I can’t do anything, move anywhere, release myself..rant or rave.  The malaise seems to affect every area of my life.

After the headiness of New York I’ve fallen into a sharp decline, my confidence at an all time low.    Dinner with friends last weekend I simply couldn’t hold my head up, my libido, my enthusiasm, my recall deserting me.  She was a very cool next generation producer.  CAA agents greeting her at our table.  Hugs and kisses.  Fast track.

I say to myself, “I am on my own with no one to focus on, no one to say that I love.”    It feels like a terrible waste.   I had some real hope!  Hope that I could travel the world with a man I was excited by.  How those dreams crumble into dust.  I am fractured by time and distance.  I am in the wrong city, in the wrong country, on the wrong fucking planet.  I am desperate for a change of circumstance.

The road that leads to the Malibu house is weeks from being repaired.  It maybe the very metaphor I am looking for.  The road to the house is being repaired so I can escape my verdant prison.   Yet every day I do my best to make it more like paradise.

I want to write about The Great BP Catastrophe but I can’t.  I want to write about anything other than me but each time I begin I am stopped by something inescapable.  I just don’t care. I don’t care about anything.  I am exhausted..spent.

Beaten by the sheer force of inequity:

BP, miserable pictures of delicate Pelican eggs smeared with crude oil.  The watered down banking regulations that caused Wall Street a collective sigh of relief. Congress about to pass an additional $32 billion to pay for war in Afghanistan yet it struggling to justify a $23 billion bill to forestall the layoff of nearly 300,000 teachers next year.

What kind of country are we?

Categories
Gay Hollywood Malibu Rant

Renters From Hell

The day started out badly and after getting a great deal better ended with a bang…quite literally.

A friend called me a ‘drama queen’ after reading this morning’s blog.  Thanks friend.  The fact is:  I was sick with a migraine, the first real one I had ever had.  Nausea, blinding headache and dizziness.  Silly me, I decided the best way to solve that particular problem (after writing my blog) was to drive 30 miles to Gold’s Gym and work out with my friend David.  Bad idea.  Hillary met me after the gym to eat lunch at the French Market in Venice.  Bad idea.  My reasoning was that if I could just behave as normal everything would get better.

I am sure that my migraine was actually a combination of stress, high blood pressure and depression.  It followed soon after some particularly loaded conversations.  After I posted my blog the comments came thick and fast.  You guys were all so sweet to support and love me.  The reason I write this blog?   Because you are all there to read it.  To understand, to reach out, to condone and condemn in equal measures.

After lunch I went back to bed and slept deeply.   The phone woke me three hours later… my friends from England  arrived in LA but decided to stay elsewhere.  I can’t say I wasn’t happy.  I wasn’t in any mood for 10 days sharing my life with English people.  Laying in bed feeling so sick, the bathroom floor unwashed.

Woke up to an email from a disgruntled Malibu renter and his blousey girlfriend/fuck buddy.   I knew that we would have some sort of disagreement about the return of the damage deposit.  When he left the house he left it in a terrible state: broken coffee pot and coffee cups, 5 huge red wine stains on the carpet.   Thankfully Jerome was with me when I checked over the house and the moron was forced to admit what he had done.

They were the sorts of tenants who couldn’t do anything for themselves and were constantly summoning me to look at things they could have fixed… like the stove top they locked by accident.   As usual it is the cheap skate tenants who nickel and dime that seem to cause the most problems.   On the first occasion I was asked to go to the house the tenant was so drunk he couldn’t stand up.  I should have chucked him and his lady friend out there and then.   I was embarrassed for him.

When they, rather amazingly, asked to come back to the house I made it so prohibitively expensive… I knew they wouldn’t be able to afford it.   The letter I received from them was littered with quotes from this blog.  Well, blog on this bitch!  I was in no mood to deal with bullshit, no mood to be lied to or manipulated and certainly no mood to deal with a woman (not on the contract) the renter had confided in me he couldn’t wait to see the back of.

My anger toward these nasty, cheap people had the affect of shaking my headache and forcing me out of the house.

I walked briskly down Sunset.  I had my hair buzzed and beard trimmed at a barbers on Ivar and began looking for appropriate BEAR WEAR as I now intend, whilst I am in NYC, to attend the Urban Bear Weekend which will be fun-exploiting my tiny celebrity for a bunch of hairy bears and their bear cub boy toys.   A friend of mine suggested the Urban Bear idea as a kind of joke but it looks like a great deal of fun.  This may be my future!

Now all I need is a cub to drag around by the belt loop.

Anyway, by the time I got home it was time to get dressed and head to WeHo for dinner with Spencer my very intelligent British friend.  Over beef burgers and fries trying to understand the cultural DNA of the average citizen of the USA.   My new theory?  That the ‘puritan chromosome’ is not nearly as dominant or as influential in the American genome than the ‘wild-frontier chromosome’.  That the majority of people who live in the USA came from simple European ancestors who, for their freedom, had to combat rattle snakes, bears, hostile climate, native Americans as well as their brutal own.  The threat, real or imagined was always there.

Suspicious and mistrusting by nature these people believe that government is good for only two things PRISONS and THE MILITARY.  White settlers distrust Obama, discrediting his empathy.

After dinner Spencer and I wandered around WeHo and met a couple of handsome cops.  Handsome but dull.  We wandered aimlessly back to the car and outside the Abbey some young man threw a can of vile smelling alcohol at me from a yellow school bus yelling homophobic rhetoric.   The full can hit me squarely in the chest.   I can still feel where it hit me on the sternum.  At first in shock, I grew increasingly angry, then I buried the  anger under a seething fury, quietly determined that ‘they’ can’t hurt me, that they can’t hurt me any more.

‘Drama Queen’ that I am I sank into a pit of man hating quick sand.  I hated the entire crew of my Wednesday morning therapy meeting with their frat house homophobia, their cheating ways co-signed by a dodgy ‘therapist’.   These men miserably attempt to patch up their sham marriages to avoid alimony and see their kids whilst yearning after mistresses, transexuals and sophomoric freedoms.

Categories
Death Gay Love

Gaping Hole

Nothing.  Nothing to say, write or comment on.  In my own head.   Do you know that feeling?  When life is so overwhelming?   I could not sleep last night.  Perhaps it was the cheese again.  Must stop eating cheese before bedtime.

It is easy to look over ones life and just remember the things one has lost rather than what one has found.

I am going to New York this weekend.  Staying on 10th street again.   Comfortable.

It seems like for the past few months I have made one bad decision after another.   If only I could tear myself away from the self-loathing.  To love myself enough to give the man I see occasionally in the mirror..a break.  Do you think that is possible?

I just made a huge pot of black coffee and drank it all.  Friends arriving from London today.   Dinner with Toby last night.  Saw Please Give with Katherine Keener.   It was a lovely film.  Very New York, very sad.   I shed a tear at the end.

Did I ever tell you that for a short time I was friendly with Katherine Keener?   She has a lovely house in Santa Monica, beautifully decorated with really well-chosen furniture.  She has the most amazing taste.

I tell you what is happening in my head.  I feel as if I am in some terrible competition.  A competition that I can never win because it’s not my game.   I am not like ‘them’ so I can’t win.    I feel very unsafe.  Not like I was going to die because that would be easy.  To know for sure the time and place of ones own death.

Unsafe, because I want something so badly knowing that it can never ever happen.    That something is not a person or a thing or a place but the peace of mind that has eluded me for so long.   I have learned that nothing can fix me.  Nothing can make it better.  Maybe a more complete relationship with God but to have that relationship with God I must remove the lead cap I am wearing that keeps me in the dark.

I sat in a room yesterday morning with 70 men who all looked so fucking miserable.  Every man in there just trying to make sense of what and who he was.   today, I have no idea what the answer is.

To wake up with no answers is a terrible thing.

The little dog is sleeping.   He is waiting for me to pull on my pants and take him for a long walk.  I used to think that if I could just keep on going, keep the momentum then everything would be ok but I have nothing to look forward to right now.

Just a gaping hole where a life should be.

Categories
Gay Malibu

Dog in the Manger

I think that it’s best that I don’t write about relationships.  It tends, as so many people read this blog, to upset the very people I love most.

So we must bid adieu to the continuing adventures of Lamb Head and the 18th Century Man.  We must set aside our interest in the comings and goings of my complicated love life and concentrate on politics, goats and all things beyond my immediate inner circle.

So, let’s talk about George Rekers.

You know, well most of you do who read this blog regularly, that I am all about individual choice.    Particularly, the choice to determine our own sexuality and how we choose to describe it.  Sadly,  there are so few words to describe the extraordinary range of sexual choices on offer to the average man/woman.

And, of course, we all tell so many lies about our sexuality.  Let’s put it this way, most of the men I know who describe themselves as straight have had their fingers in the gay honey pot.  I have no reason to doubt their description of their sexuality so why don’t they just celebrate their sexual diversity?

Well, we all know just how narrow-minded people get when they are asked to describe themselves sexually,  mainly from fear of how they will be treated by their peers.  The gays are all too willing to accept anyone who has occasional same-sex relations into their gay camp and the straights are just as eager to throw that same anyone out of their frat house.

If George Rekers wants an erotic massage from a rent boy does this make him gay?    If a man drinks to excess does this make him an alcoholic?  The answer to both of these questions has to be NO.

As I have said many, many times before: we live in sexually prescriptive times.    It is not up to me to tell you that you are either gay (or an alcoholic) it is up to you to make that choice and deal with the consequences.

It has to be up to the individual to decide what he is and how best to describe himself.    If you are a man who loves men and their bodies and all things homosexual would the word gay properly describe what you are?

If I had another choice of word rather than gay to describe myself would I?  YES.  This is not about me being a self hater, this is about me feeling like I am a bit too old to be gay, a bit too sober, too few sexual partners, a vague interest in the gym and not in tune with the collective who describe themselves as gay.

Just as I now no longer call myself an alcoholic preferring to call myself a sex addict.  It best describes the specific disease of addiction from which I am in recovery.

Of course I find George Rekers despicable, not because he vacations with pretty rent boys or refuses to be associated with the gay word but because he so virulently attacks the unalienable rights of others.    He makes life uncomfortable for those who choose to describe themselves as gay.   He peddles hatred and disinformation.

He has been described as a hypocrite.  Does the fact that he likes erotic massage make him a hypocrite?  No.  If he were living with his husband and children in suburban Tallahassee and telling others that they shouldn’t now that would be hypocritical.

I’m not sure that he is gay.  Is he?  He’s certainly not living a life I would describe as gay.  He is probably just desirous of erotic massage.

Being gay is surely not simply about sex?  Is it?

Are we doing ourselves a disservice calling George Rekers gay?   By claiming this man as one of our own are we throwing the net too wide?

After I was on Sex Rehab somebody wrote to me telling me that if  ‘Duncan Roy doesn’t like sex with men then he isn’t gay’.

I felt rather reassured by this.   It was a complex accusation and one that I had oft considered myself.  Am I gay if I don’t like sex with men?   Am I gay if I believe in monogamy?  Am I gay if I don’t drink or take drugs or, and I expect to be hounded for saying this, if I am not HIV positive?

Very recently I HAVE started to like sex with men-well one man who I no longer have sex with.   I still don’t like the word gay.

So, George Rekers vacations with rent boys.  Elena Kagan looks like a lesbian but is she?  And,  in the UK the Liberals and the Conservatives and making a very big bed to share after the inconclusive general election.

Categories
Gay Whitstable

I Heart Whitstable

I thought about Whitstable today.   I miss you so much!  The shallow lazy sea, the honey coloured shingle, buying espresso from Dave’s deli, walking the little dog on Duncan Downs.  I wondered, like I do occasionally, if I could ever live there again.

Part of me wants to be there but most of me is perfectly as ease with where I am right now.

If I went back what would I be returning to?

It’s a great place to visit but maybe it’s never going to be my home.   Maybe it never was.

Taking that bloody, stinky train to London.  I never had the money for a ticket.  Hiding in the toilet.  One hour and fifteen minutes.  Faverham, Sittingbourne, Rainham, Graveney, Bromley SouthVictoria Station!

Walking to Mayfair.  Sweet-scented drawing rooms, thick carpet and polished silver.  Oh God. I know why I am thinking about this!  I am dreading being left on my own on Tuesday evening when the man/boy leaves for Italy.

I want to travel too!  Paris, Sydney, Whitstable or New York where do I go next?  If I go what am I running away from?  I’ll tell you what:  a great,  gaping God shaped hole.

18th Century boy/man was up until 2.30 last night pottering around, tidying, making a mother’s day card and finally fell into bed exhausted.   We had dinner at Axe on Abbott Kinney.  I ate the farmer’s plate with prosciutto.   This morning we toured the Santa Monica Farmers Market and bought fresh almonds and pale pink hydrangea and delicate budded peonies.

He reminds me of Patrick Kinmonth, the same sensibilities and creativity.  He is so tall and elegant, so curious about everything, which can all at once excite and tire.   It is good to live again with someone on my arm that has such an extraordinary zest for life.  He wants me to teach him how to sew.  I would love to do that, pass on a few of the many skills I have that were meant for some unborn child in an imaginary family.

I wish that I hadn’t killed the snake but I was scared that it would bite the little dog then where would I be?   John watched the video of me killing it and looked delighted at the very manliness of my snake murder.  I should have been more proud but I wasn’t.  I value life, even the life of a dangerous snake or the rat I killed the previous week.

Josh, my sober A gay friend and I toured Barney’s yesterday.  Trying on expensive clothing neither of us would ever buy.  Bumped into a friend of Charlies who was wearing cut off denim shorts, a sleeveless tee, a man bag and Jackie O sunglasses.  What a fucking STATE.  Also bumped into my friend Jody who has recently had two surrogate daughters-the $250,000 a pop kind.  I asked, like I would my straight friends, if he is signing them up for pre-school.  He spat back that he had no intention of sending them to pre-school as their nanny had them on the Einstein system for infant learning.  He said that he wanted to control who came into their lives as he had no intention of letting them socialize with other kids as they might pick up bad habits.  Now tell me if that doesn’t sound unhealthy?   Child as project.  Lot’s of my gay friends have chosen this route when they become parents.  However, this is not peculiar to gay men, I know straight parents who do this too.  In my opinion it can only lead to disappointment and resentment.

I thought about my mother and where she might be this overcast mother’s day.  I wondered if my brothers had brought her flowers or sent her a card.  I did not.  Then I thought about Kristian’s mother who seems to loathe the idea of his friends getting together to celebrate his life and I wondered how she could be so bitter about this simple act of remembrance?

I pay scant regard to my creative life.  My desire to create comes in huge waves that crash inconsequentially and leave me feeling tired and unfinished.  Why can’t I seem to finish anything?  My novel remains unfinished, my film too-as for everything else?  I don’t know.

As his departure looms so do the morbid thoughts.

I find myself thinking about the NYC man and grieve for what was and what is lost, broken or as dead as the headless rattlesnake.   I am all at once in celebration for what I have and desolation for what was and how that affected me.  Man/Boy asked if I was on the rebound last night which I strenuously denied.  But, of course, there is some truth to his accusation.  John cautioned me yesterday about euphoric recall, the yearning for an acting out partner rather than the fully fledged, present young man who I now have.

I have no reason or right to have wanted more from NYC man.   As I have said before I was an inconsequential blip in his life.   It’s hard to own that.  Yet, in a way, it has made me a stronger man for what I have now.    I look at this new man and love him and care about him with new eyes.  The eyes of a man who has loved and lost but is lucky to have loved at all.

As for my sobriety, I am sober!  I have that to be grateful for.   Gratitude is key!

Have to write for the Good Men Project.  I am going to write about how to be a man when other men don’t recognize the sort of man you were born to be:  A quest for validation.

Categories
Gay Hollywood

Kristian Digby Memorial Cancelled

Paula Dubois,  Kristian Digby‘s Mother,  outrageously threatened to disrupt the Memorial Service to be held for hundreds of her wonderful son’s friends and family next week at Southwark Cathedral.

As a result the cathedral will no longer hold the service.

The indignity of it all, that the love he had for so many and they for him could not be felt by his own mother.

The news infuriated me.  It totally ruined my day.   That this so called ‘mother’ who bore such a beautiful, kind-hearted boy seems so determined to destroy any attempt his friends have of getting together and remembering him.

I am confused.  I am sad.  Mostly I am angry.

I killed a snake this week, a five foot rattle snake in my garden.  I chopped it’s head off with a shovel.  I felt bad doing it.  Terrible.  This beautiful serpent that had as much right as I did to live in my garden.  In my canyon.

I will write more about it tomorrow but in the mean time here is a picture to whet your appetite.

The beautiful boy/man remains sleeping in my bed but he is off to Italy on Tuesday for two weeks and so that I might not feel any pain (the pain of separation is the worst) my head is already elsewhere.  We had dinner with his best friend last night which I always hankered to do with NYC man but never did.

I was so nervous.

The Spanish restaurant where we had dinner was expensive and ghastly.

Serpent in the Garden
Categories
Gay Love

White Chocolate

The 18th Century Man has just peeled beets and the little dog is sleeping on the sofa.

This evening he very kindly bought a huge chunk of white chocolate for me at Wholefoods.  In no time at all we seem to have settled into a harmonious domestic routine.  We do not challenge each other unnecessarily nor do we expect anything more from each other than this moment where we exist right now.

He is cooking gnocchi.  His accent is becoming apparently British and he is threatening to shave his beard revealing just how young he looks without it.

It was a beautiful early morning yesterday above the marine layer when I drove to my meeting in Hollywood, saw my breakfast boys then drove back to Malibu so I could take him to work.  Carless because his spunky roommate had borrowed his baby blue Mustang-yes, he has a baby blue Mustang.

I have been on the West Side all week.  Seriously thinking about getting a studio in Venice rather than keeping a place in Hollywood.  I will have ‘community’ and be able to get to Malibu and my meetings and go to the gym without travelling 60 miles.

The 18th Century Man and me seem to cause some of you consternation.  What do you expect?  That I settle down into some miserable, suburban co-existence with a man more my own age because it suits your idea of what is ‘best’ for me?  The reality is-I have no expectation, we have no expectations.  We are having fun.  The sex that I should have had for three months with the other I am still not having in abundance because I am not breaking my vow!  We are getting to know each other! Getting to know what it feels like so if and when the moment comes-and it seems to be coming..imminently then it will be the right moment with the right man.

He is not a boy.  He is a grown up man packaged in a boyish body.  Men just like him are presently going down mines, being blown up in wars or designing bridges like the wunderkind Thomas Telford.

I don’t care if you approve of my choices or me.  I am obviously not the kind of man the average mother is going to approve of or the best-girl-friend.  Women get it so wrong when they imagine what is best for men together.  They really have no clue.   I am never going to get the best-girl-friend to love me as often the best-girl-friend has carved out a place in her heart for him that is never going to include anyone-ever.

So, for my many detractors:

I think that a lot of you forget that whilst you were out there having sex with multiple partners, or even one partner I was not.  I was at home on my own cosseted away from the world of sex looking at the Internet or simply too scared to have sexual relations.  Don’t give me a hard time now I have learned how to do it.

You can be a very punitive bunch. Wouldn’t you wish a condemned man a few days of happiness?

You know what I adore about him?  He gets it.  Night Jasmin, white chocolate, black glazed cotton.  But the best thing about this friendship is that we both understand that any narrative will have a beginning, middle and an end.  Remember, he isn’t on the rebound, he isn’t new from some sweaty closet, and he hasn’t come to me riddled with self-doubt or jaded by relations with many, many men.

I have looked into the eyes of too many men who were simply not there.

Categories
Gay Malibu

Happy Go Lucky

One has a moment in life when the horizon comes into view.  Unable to hold onto old ideas we strive to recreate ourselves as perfectly as we can.  I am in Malibu looking over the sea and I am not driven to look at porn nor throw a warm wank blanket over the day.   My American spell check doesn’t recognize the word wank-but you all know what that means don’t you?

I am listening to Joni, her words either fill me full of hope or throw me into a terrible funk-thankfully I am happy today.  There is a cool sea breeze to remind me that the ocean is just there, at the bottom of the hill.  Sadly in the Gulf of Mexico avarice is ruining the water.  More oil, more goddamned oil from which we refuse to wean ourselves.  Sarah Palin has kept remarkably quiet about this environmental disaster that she said could never happen.

I have spent the past few nights with my 18th Century Man and it has been such a delight.  Of course it’s hard not to compare what one had with what one has.  The most significant difference is the proximity.   I will never have a long distance love affair ever again.  I am simply too fragile.

I will never again make the mistake of falling in love with a man who is not available.  I am not the sort of person who can keep a secret, especially when it is steeped in shame.  I have, in the words of my deceased Grandmother, lived a shameless life.  She used the word pejoratively but actually she was right, I have been shameless and I am proud to be so.  My proximity to the toxic shame of others is just as bad as experiencing ones own.

Even though I was born into shame I was a shameless boy.  When I was a shameless boy they tried to tell me that I should be ashamed of who I was, the colour of my skin, my flamboyance, my birth, my teeth, my love, my understandable mistakes.

I hoped that I might meet a beautiful man and I have.  It is wonderful to just experience the spontaneity, to drive to a coffee chop in Venice, to reach out and run your fingers through flaxen hair.

Last night we cooked dinner at his house in Venice with his super cool room-mate who incidentally knows Anna and Gwen and my lesbian art contingent.   The night before we ate dinner at Axe.   Roasted beats, huge chunks of halibut.

Of course I miss talking to that boy in NYC (of course I do) but I am enjoying the simplicity of what I have found here-the eagerness, the delicacy of his touch.  The difference between men.   I have no idea what I miss about what was.  I think it was the rabid intensity that kept me diving into those choppy waters expecting not to be battered by the huge waves.

The moment I have any sort of expectation I am doomed.  I feel battered from the last few months.  Battered by doomed love.  Battered by not knowing.  Battered by resentment.

So, here I am-just as I have always been-on my own but with my eyes wide open.  I have to read the treatment Ms Turner has sent me.  I have to make my peace with writing once again.  Writing and reading.  I have to make peace with myself.

I am fast approaching a huge birthday and don’t really know how to celebrate it.  I dare not ask fifty people for dinner but that’s what I think I would like to do.

On another note I have two sponsees in the 12-step programme I belong to and they give me such joy.  Joy.  Spent Sunday with one of them trying on hats and celebrating his birthday.  The other keeps in touch daily reminding me why I am sober.    It is time to keep the door open on recovery and all that means.

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