Archives for posts with tag: September 11 2001

How likely is that someone you know will kill themselves?  How come I know so many people who have?  How is it that I think suicide is a perfectly honorable death option?  Killing oneself not out of self-pity but because it’s just the right thing to do?  Because it’s time.

I am only 16 years younger than my mother.  I watch old age creep over her and do not want that.

I never again want to feel the pain I felt last year.

Until the startlingly handsome decorator arrived yesterday that’s really all I could think about.  In between tinkering with my book.   Hence the odd video posted.

Blue grey eyes, perfectly formed.  Beach, bleach blond hair.

You might think that I have been bored with all this death thinking but actually I have not.  I have been doing stuff.  Enough stuff.  Dinner at Nobu last night.  On Wednesday I went to the premiere of a TV show, yes…that’s LA for you.  They premiere TV shows.

I met a Navy Seal.  Dangerous.

I took Robby to the event at Gauchos in Glendale (such glamour!) where we were served about ten pounds of meat.  My poor tummy.

I am still mightily pissed off at the Twins.  Daily revealing themselves to be self-serving, manipulating and utterly self obsessed.  I am creating MONSTERS.  For example: when Robby drives, the rear view mirror is positioned so he can look at himself and not the road behind him.

Constantly checking his hat hair.

It never occurs to either of them that the adventures and people who I have introduced them to might be reciprocated in any way.  They are off with my friends of friends who patently want to fuck them, thinking that their scintillating wit attracts them to others.

We sat in Joan’s on Third on Wednesday, Robby was overly concerned that other people might think that I was fucking him.  What he doesn’t realize is that if a young man of dubious sexuality is out with any man…people will assume that they are fucking.  I think everyone is fucking everyone in LA.

Yet, they are both so friendly.

Their friendliness is often misconstrued.  It seems flirty.  They touch you but woe betide if you touch them.   I think Robby understands, he’s grateful…but not enough.

As for Miles…I can scarcely look at him.

They both take but rarely give.  Where’s the humility Christian boys?  Or are you just hung up on…what the fuck are you hung up on?

I am overdosing on the twins.  I can’t wait for then end of the month.  Not a day too soon.

I have been watching the Vlog Brothers YouTube videos.  I watch them at least twice/three times a week.  John and Hank Green.  Hank is a bit of an idiot with a huge brain.  A real nerd, well that’s what I thought…until…I’ll explain later.  And John, I rather liked author John Green until yesterday.

He said something that made me despise him.

He said that he didn’t like meeting strangers.

He said that he couldn’t give random hugs.

His excuse was pathetic.

I don’t think John Green is a nerd, I think he became one to keep his brother company.  I think John Green is erudite, sophisticated, intelligent and  handsome.  I think I would be scared by his intellect if I met him.  I would be scared if I met him.

You should check these guys out.

On their own, performing for their cameras they become the men they always wanted to be..yet, because they are now famous…internet famous…and successful, this strange act is obviously just that.

The pressure to perform must be HUGE.  It is apparent when they are together in the same room…who is more authentic.  Hank is softer, more at ease.  Gentle.  Off stage Hank might be the one.  Off stage John looks surly, miserable, dark.

John has a great deal to prove.  He has the bigger career. He has the wife with a big life in the art world.  The adorable kid.  The conflicted Christian pre history.

He wanted to be ordained.

I’ve always thought that it takes a huge amount of ego to be a priest where as most people think that it requires the absence of ego.  To stand up and channel the word of God wearing fancy hats and garb.  You need balls.  John Green has balls.

The decorator returns today.

I am going to VidCon at the end of the month.

I want to fuck a hooker.

The twins will all at once irritate, frustrate and delight me.  Miles has this notion that he wants to direct.  Am I expected to help him?  He needs to make something.  If he wants to direct…he needs to make a film so that he can show people what he’s made of.

If he has any art, has an understanding of detail.

Shoot something!

As for Robby this is maybe his moment.  He wants to be an actor.  He is not a great beauty.  Not really, he has crude features yet there is something mesmerizing about him.  He has something.  I don’t know if he can act.  If he has the strength.  If he can overcome the fear that often walks hand in hand with self obsession.

Nothing.  Nothing to say, write or comment on.  In my own head.   Do you know that feeling?  When life is so overwhelming?   I could not sleep last night.  Perhaps it was the cheese again.  Must stop eating cheese before bedtime.

It is easy to look over ones life and just remember the things one has lost rather than what one has found.

I am going to New York this weekend.  Staying on 10th street again.   Comfortable.

It seems like for the past few months I have made one bad decision after another.   If only I could tear myself away from the self-loathing.  To love myself enough to give the man I see occasionally in the mirror..a break.  Do you think that is possible?

I just made a huge pot of black coffee and drank it all.  Friends arriving from London today.   Dinner with Toby last night.  Saw Please Give with Katherine Keener.   It was a lovely film.  Very New York, very sad.   I shed a tear at the end.

Did I ever tell you that for a short time I was friendly with Katherine Keener?   She has a lovely house in Santa Monica, beautifully decorated with really well-chosen furniture.  She has the most amazing taste.

I tell you what is happening in my head.  I feel as if I am in some terrible competition.  A competition that I can never win because it’s not my game.   I am not like ‘them’ so I can’t win.    I feel very unsafe.  Not like I was going to die because that would be easy.  To know for sure the time and place of ones own death.

Unsafe, because I want something so badly knowing that it can never ever happen.    That something is not a person or a thing or a place but the peace of mind that has eluded me for so long.   I have learned that nothing can fix me.  Nothing can make it better.  Maybe a more complete relationship with God but to have that relationship with God I must remove the lead cap I am wearing that keeps me in the dark.

I sat in a room yesterday morning with 70 men who all looked so fucking miserable.  Every man in there just trying to make sense of what and who he was.   today, I have no idea what the answer is.

To wake up with no answers is a terrible thing.

The little dog is sleeping.   He is waiting for me to pull on my pants and take him for a long walk.  I used to think that if I could just keep on going, keep the momentum then everything would be ok but I have nothing to look forward to right now.

Just a gaping hole where a life should be.