Chunky Black Swan makes her debut in LA. Catch up with her on Monday night In West Hollywood.
The word twat has various functions. It is a vulgar synonym for the human vulva, but is more widely used as a derogatory epithet, especially in British English. The word may originate from Old Norse þveit meaning cut, slit, or forest clearing.
Grapes from the garden. Two bunches the raccoons couldn’t get to.
Hung with Tom Hardy last night.
Apparently he punched the producer of Bronson. Good on yer lad. We used the words ‘twat’ and ‘nonce’.
I was transported.
In practice it simply means that the eldest child of one family is preferred over all others. Inequality is therefore further entrenched in the system.
In principle all children in Britain should have an equal opportunity to stand for the position of Head of State. Anything short of that is an affront to the principles of equality.
The monarchy is founded on discrimination and elitism. It has no place in a debate over equality of opportunity.
There is so much going on…but I can’t tell you anything. So much...
Sadly, it’s a gated, private road…but it will make a heck of a difference to those of us who live up here on the mountain.
The new road cost nearly $5,000,000 for the 70 member association.
They worked tirelessly to make something wonderful happen. It is now there. It takes just a few moments to get to the PCH from my house.
Awesome feeling driving down it yesterday.
I loathe art made of ‘found objects’ with the single exception of Kurt Schwitters. If you don’t know who he is…look him up.
It is such a beautiful day here. I am wandering around the garden in awe.
I have terrible pain in my body. I know what it is.
I want to steal the chairs from next door.
I want the pain to end. Have been plagued with memories of Jake. Not least because I am writing the script about him. The script is really good. There’s a great deal of tension.
I know he has a boy friend he loves. But I know he struggles with wanting sex with multiple partners.
I miss his beautiful face.
I am jealous that he is out there having a life. I hope he is ok. I miss him. I want to cry.
I wish I were dead.
Robby came over this week and we almost had sex. It was so erotic and sexy.
Would it be out of the question to wonder what comes next? Even though I shouldn’t…I am here on the mountain…whiling my days away. I have been writing like a mad man. The novel, the screenplay…and this, my trusty old blog.
The euphoria I experienced for a couple of weeks is waning but I can still grasp hold of it…just.
I bumped into an old lover, somebody I had seen in 1996. He was young then…he is still young. He remembered that I had shown him around London, taken him home. He remembered my scent. Vetiver.
There’s a small business in Whitstable I would love to own. I called the owner. He didn’t want to sell…yet.
The weather is perfect. The house is tidy. My love life is boring me to tears.
I have a friend living downstairs in the guest house. Anna arrives on Sunday. Next month will be very busy…but for now I am just enjoying today.
Those disturbing images on television, in the newspapers, all over the net..of yet another thoughtless dictator being dragged screaming and bloody (so red) from the drains. Shocking and ironic…after all, Gadaffi had made peace with the west to avoid such an ending. He had seen Saddam‘s undignified capture and rather than avoiding it…his hubris caused the same.
What will be…will be.
So I danced around the garden listening to Evelyn ‘Champagne’ King‘s Shame!
I thought about ransacked golden palaces, tacky furniture, bad art. Pale pink leather sofas. Good riddance to bad taste.
The one that JB and I were working on.
It got me to thinking about shame and how most people (some people) have done things that they are ashamed of, unwilling to admit to, unwilling to own. Even my Christian aunt admitted an unspeakable horror (to her mind) from which she still reels.
That’s how organizations like the Scientologists enslave their members…by getting them to admit their darkest secrets then threatening them with unsightly revelations unless the game is played their way.
I know a sex addiction ‘therapist’ like that. He knows a little bit too much about powerful people…and lives a good life on the back of their venal sin.
As I have mentioned before…gay people tend, once out, to jettison or rather speak more freely about subjects others may find taboo. We must have always been like this…hence shame based organizations like the church…out lawed us. If they can’t shame you into submission…well, what’s the point of your existence?
Gay people in the christian warrior church, the republican party and signing up for the super chic nazis. I am being ironic.
I never really understood the appeal.
Anyhow, lets hope that the film Shame is good…and not sensational or stupid. I think Steve is the kind of guy who can get this right. The trailer is very worthy….very serious.
Sex conduct is a touchy theme…as we found out.
I still feel…incredible.
There was a moment this afternoon when, yet again, I felt totally at peace with who and where I was. Not only did I feel as if I was inhabiting my own skin but I wanted for nothing. That is a wonderful feeling.
As in any full life there are problems…but nothing that seems to steer me away from this feeling of being settled, peaceful and at one with the world.
I walked to the new road…it was wonderful…it’s nearly finished…not that I will ever drive on it.
I want to cuddle up with someone. To share my bonhomie.
75 pages into the script. It’s fucking brilliant…even if I say so myself.
Writing this film has been so cathartic. Not least because I get to exorcise a life time of demons. I also act out crimes of atrocious ferocity without ever once having to lift a gun or a knife.
What keeps me from murdering those who give me pains?
Well, for a start, I am not (much to your irritation) a psychopath. A sociopath maybe…but even that is doubtful.
After all these years of not committing vicious crimes against humanity.
I’m not about to start now.
What stops me from commiting the vilest crimes? The very worst of my vengeful nature?
Well, my dears, I am an artist.
When I made Clancy’s Kitchen (essentially a film about my wanting to kill and dismember a homophobe) when the prosthesis arrived…boxes of beautifully made hands, feet and other body parts…I thought to myself…good god…you really are one sick mother fucker.
Looking at the descriptions for both psychopath and sociopath…they are strikingly similar. But what is more striking is that they describe perfectly…most Americans.
In particular those who work on Wall Street.
A blatant disregard for the well-being of others.
Here are some other Wall Street traits…these could apply to most Hollywood talent managers…in fact…any American ‘agent’…talent, literary, real estate…
These sociopathic character defects are perceived as virtue and coping mechanisms on Wall Street or in Hollywood.
Here are some of my favorites:
- Glibness and Superficial Charm
- Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
- Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.”
- Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
- Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep-seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
- Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
- Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
- Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
- Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
- Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all-encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
- Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
Scintillating few weeks. I am happy. Even though I shouldn’t be. I have no idea what is keeping me so buoyant…not smoking, not eating wheat, full moon, going to AA meetings? I really have no idea.
So many little things are giving me a great deal of pleasure.
The ripe figs I picked yesterday morning, the aubergine and tomatoes, the trips into Beverly Hills with Robby. The California sunshine, the hot nights, the pool lights that I managed to fix so the water glistens at midnight.
This too will pass.
The weather has been gorgeous, the company stimulating. The future a glorious mystery…the past not jumping up at me like a badly trained dog.
A great deal is going on…but my energy is being used creatively. Will let you know asap.
Anyway, just as you all seem to think I have vanished…
Here I am.