Nothing. Nothing to say, write or comment on. In my own head. Do you know that feeling? When life is so overwhelming? I could not sleep last night. Perhaps it was the cheese again. Must stop eating cheese before bedtime.
It is easy to look over ones life and just remember the things one has lost rather than what one has found.
It seems like for the past few months I have made one bad decision after another. If only I could tear myself away from the self-loathing. To love myself enough to give the man I see occasionally in the mirror..a break. Do you think that is possible?
I just made a huge pot of black coffee and drank it all. Friends arriving from London today. Dinner with Toby last night. Saw Please Give with Katherine Keener. It was a lovely film. Very New York, very sad. I shed a tear at the end.
Did I ever tell you that for a short time I was friendly with Katherine Keener? She has a lovely house in Santa Monica, beautifully decorated with really well-chosen furniture. She has the most amazing taste.
I tell you what is happening in my head. I feel as if I am in some terrible competition. A competition that I can never win because it’s not my game. I am not like ‘them’ so I can’t win. I feel very unsafe. Not like I was going to die because that would be easy. To know for sure the time and place of ones own death.
Unsafe, because I want something so badly knowing that it can never ever happen. That something is not a person or a thing or a place but the peace of mind that has eluded me for so long. I have learned that nothing can fix me. Nothing can make it better. Maybe a more complete relationship with God but to have that relationship with God I must remove the lead cap I am wearing that keeps me in the dark.
I sat in a room yesterday morning with 70 men who all looked so fucking miserable. Every man in there just trying to make sense of what and who he was. today, I have no idea what the answer is.
To wake up with no answers is a terrible thing.
The little dog is sleeping. He is waiting for me to pull on my pants and take him for a long walk. I used to think that if I could just keep on going, keep the momentum then everything would be ok but I have nothing to look forward to right now.
Just a gaping hole where a life should be.