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art

Art and Activism

Artists Statement: The Fusion of Art and Activism Through Lived Experience

Come Death and Welcome

RCA 2024/25

Duncan Roy—a filmmaker, artist, diarist, and unflinching blogger—challenges conventional boundaries between art and activism. His creative practice is intensely autobiographical, yet deeply political. Over decades, Roy’s blog has become not just a personal archive, but a platform from which he reflects on identity, injustice, state power, and the transformative possibilities of creative expression. This essay traces how his artistry and activism converge through five key domains: biography as protest, cinematic resistance, detention and mobilization, intersectional vulnerability, and archival defiance.


1. Biography as Political Testimony

From the outset, Roy’s blog isn’t simply a diary—it is a form of public dissent. He writes of wearing pale-blue overalls in L.A. County Jail “for all the world to see” that he was gay, forcing visibility into invisibility’s place in vulnerability. He observed the oppressive nature of that uniform—that it made him, like countless others, a marked entity at the mercy of authority. This is art as bearing witness, transforming private humiliation into public conscience.

Roy extends this through reflections on American racial violence. Addressing cases like Eric Garner’s murder, he rejects the notion of a “broken system,” contending instead that the system is working as designed—one that disenfranchises Black communities, weaponises grand juries, and allows police brutality to go unchecked. Here his writing becomes moral testimony—a literary act of rebellion that disrupts the sanctioned narratives of law and order.


2. Cinema as Queer Class Critique

Historically, Roy’s most notable work, AKA (2002), dramatizes the life of a working-class gay youth who assumes aristocratic identity to access safety and privilege. Drawing from his own story, Roy exposes how class and sexual identity intersect in the performance of respectability—yet also how this concealment extracts a heavy emotional cost. The film’s narrative is both claustrophobic and liberatory: a personal coping strategy turned cinematic subversion, exposing how identity can be both armor and erasure. This tightrope walk between art and social critique remains central to Roy’s oeuvre, though in later pieces, the activism becomes more overt.


3. Wrongful Detention and Public Mobilization

Roy’s arrest in 2012—stemming from what began as an extortion allegation involving his former lover—quickly turned into a nightmarish saga when an ICE hold barred his bail. Despite being a legal U.S. resident, Roy remained imprisoned for 89 days under a policy most often used to detain undocumented immigrants. His blog and media interviews recounted how the Sheriff’s Department treated ICE holds as arrest warrants, denying bail and compounding a Kafkaesque injustice.

Far from allowing this to remain a private tragedy, Roy stepped onto the public stage. He became a class representative in a lawsuit with the ACLU and NDLON, challenging the detention of immigrants without bail in L.A. County. Through advocacy and narrative, he turned personal trauma into legal challenge—another example of art (here, his blog and public writing) morphing into civic engagement.


4. Intersectional Vulnerability and State Critique

The complexity of Roy’s activism deepens when we consider the intersections of race, immigration, sexuality, and state violence. He poignantly writes of feeling what it must be like “to be black in the USA wearing those overalls” imposed by the jail system. This imaginative solidarity isn’t an appropriation—it’s a deliberate empathetic strategy. By using his privileges and voice to reflect on privilege and dispossession, Roy mobilizes his art to draw attention to broader systems of oppression.

Further, in his reflections on Gaza, Roy does not shy from confronting the global-minded viewer. He condemns the killing of Palestinian children, denounces the complicity of UK and European leaders, and even recounts attempts to raise awareness through his work at the Royal College of Art—which was, in at least one case, removed by staff. Again, his creative output is inseparable from his political stance. His paintings, installations, and writing refuse to turn away from brutality.


5. Archival Activism: Memory as Resistance

Roy’s dedication to archiving—donating forty years of diaries to a national archive, and ensuring his films are preserved at UCLA—demonstrates a profound belief in memory as activist tool. In a world where queer, immigrant, and working-class lives are often erased, Roy’s life becomes testimony, resistance, and cultural artifact. His blog surfaces as his most radical artwork: an unformatted, expansive, messy, and urgent narrative resisting closure.


expanded narrative integration: Art, Activism, and Identity

Let us explore more closely how Roy’s art—across mediums and contexts—becomes activism through the raw force of personal identity.


A. The Private Exposed as Public Reckoning

Roy’s blog is, in essence, a performance of nakedness. His struggles—addiction, mental health, shame—become invitations to readers to probe beneath social veneers. When he writes of being numbed by antidepressants—“no writing and no sex”—only to feel alive again once off the medication, he chronicles mental health with sobering honesty. These entries urge us to confront the stigma around both therapy and creative decline.

His relationship with recovery communities like AA/NA also surfaces tension, as he recounts hypocrisy in recovery spaces that privilege image over truth. These reflections aren’t just introspective; they’re calls to reform systems that are meant to heal but often ostracize.


B. Political Witness Through Creative Embodiment

Artistic symbolism saturates Roy’s reflections. The pale blue overalls, the black paintings, the textual imagery—each becomes emblematic. When he speaks of shadowed bodies, body bags, gardens scorched by Malibu fires—all rendered in paint or prose—he transforms trauma into aesthetic form. These objects and narratives become carriers of suffering, evoking empathy, recognition, and resistance.


C. Institutional Confrontation and Individual Agency

Roy’s detention and subsequent litigation forced institutions to justify their treatment of detainees like him. His visibility as a legal resident trapped by ICE highlights the arbitrary cruelty of mass detention policies. Through that personal story, he exposed the broader machinery. His blog entries, media quotes, and court actions formed a tapestry of resistance—one woven from the threads of art, suffering, and legal claim.


D. Empathy Beyond Identity, Anger Against Complacency

One striking dimension of Roy’s activism is his willingness to use empathy as a political strategy. He acknowledges his positionality: a white, affluent man—but also one displaced, detained, shamed. This bifocal lens allows him to inhabit both vantage points: identifying with the incarcerated, the marginalized; but also critiquing the mechanisms that made him complicit. His blog becomes a device to dismantle complacency—even among those comfortable with their privilege. He purposefully irritates complacent white gay men, reminding them “the battle is never won”.


E. Globalized Conscience

Roy’s activism extends beyond U.S. borders. His reflections on Gaza, and the institutional suppression of anti-Israel artwork at the RCA, illustrate an artist unwilling to be neutral. His making art about tragic events—and then having it removed—becomes an act of protest. In recording these censures, Roy reveals the fragile tolerance for dissent in academic and artistic institutions—and underscores the political nature of art itself.


Conclusion: The Art-Activist as Lifelong Witness

Duncan Roy’s work—spanning film, blog, archives, painting, and public interventions—demonstrates how art can be sustained activism. His artistic voice is inseparable from his ethical concern; his identity is not cloaked, but exposed as conduit for broader social reckoning.

Whether describing jail uniforms as markers of racialized vulnerability, recounting detention as legal grotesquery, bearing witness to systemic racism and international atrocity, or preserving queer working-class narratives for the future—Roy’s creative practice manifests as civic testimony. His life, captured most fiercely in his blog, is his most radical art: an unfinished manifesto demanding both recognition and justice.


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art

Fear and the Fury

Neil Bartlett, Ivan Cartwright, Duncan Roy and Robin Whitmore, polaroid images from Pornography: a spectacle ICA 1984

I become the gay man I am… not by expressing any innate sexual desire but by joining a particular culture, by learning a particular language. I’ve always thought we should be ‘going in,’ not ‘coming out’. At whatever point we choose, we enter a gay/queer culture which already exists, and in joining that culture we find ourselves amidst a variety of styles which our gay peers offer us. We define ourselves by adopting or refusing these styles.

Even though I had good reason to, I have only recently had the audacity to call myself an artist but have consistently loved, collected and connected to artists. Here are three young queer artists whose work touched me deeply… and explore similar themes.

I first discovered Ty Locke at the University for the Creative Arts in Canterbury in 2018. His degree show was utterly compelling.

Locke is currently enjoying a well deserved solo show at Commune in Vienna. As part of this show the spectator is drawn into a darkly lit basement past posters suggestive of adverts for drag performances mimicking past events of an imagined venue. Within the room they are met with a series of melted plastic chairs arranged as though in a sex club.

Prem Sahib was my visiting tutor at the RCA. Another well respected queer artist. Central to Prem Sahib’s earlier work are men only cruising clubs, where you can ‘lose yourself, escape societal constraints, or simply fuck’.

For ‘DESCENT I. People Come & Go’, held in November 2019 at Southard Reid gallery in Soho, London, Sahib reproduced the subterranean area of a cruising club. Viewers felt their way through immersive tunnels of steel where they met half-stripped men, abject and unresponsive.

Diogo Gama is a Portuguese artist who pushes for queer visibility. His show Teleny at the General Assembly gallery in London drew its name from a pornographic text he found as a boy in an abandoned house. These works by Teleny are attributed to Oscar Wilde. Gama’s show is a synthesis of borrowed images, words and media. In Before I forget, Teleny Sweats, Albeit Covertly, Elsewhere, Gama utilised a towel purloined from SweatBox, a gay sauna located in London’s Soho.

These three young artists among others revisit themes we were unpacking in 1982 during the making of our devised performance commissioned by the ICA, Pornography: A Spectacle. We too were reclaiming gay sex spaces: saunas, fetish clubs, drag bars… fearlessly talking about our sex lives, dragging up, getting naked on stage.

Walking into Prem’s show at Studio Voltaire in 2024 felt like walking into the ICA in 1984.

The space we created at the ICA 40 years ago directly connects us with Prem’s cruising club, Ty’s sex club… haunted by Teleny’s ghosts. We are in the same space! The vastness of this tunnel, this mineshaft set over decades, unchanging… the smell of cigarettes and rotten beer, sticky floors… voyeurs glimpsing the same cast of men pretending. Drugs muffling the thumping beat, my heart is beating. Listen, can you hear the distant, thudding music pierced only by the gasp and grunts of men penetrated, men cumming… undeniably the same… wearing leather drag… disco drag… I’m on my knees.

Time is the greatest distance between two sex clubs.

They came to see us naked. I must have handed a thousand fliers late night at Heaven, The White Swan, The Two Brewers and The Vauxhall Tavern as they were lining up to get in. They asked, Are you in it? Will we see your cock?

We packed the ICA with gay men and made a ton of money.

At first I was petrified, Neil Bartlett the director was scary and uncompromising. My voice was tiny. We opened the show with a dance routine, Hot Stuff by Donna Summer. We were almost naked. The audience were salacious, lascivious… then, after ten or so minutes I found my voicehe. The audience started to see themselves in all of us on stage and relaxed a little… then they laughed… then they cried.

One particularly gripping monologue, describing violent sex with a hook up. The details were shocking, a foil to the tenderness and vulnerability reached by the end of the scene: the two holding each other, sobbing. There is only one man to whom I say, ‘I love you’. My lover. “I love you” marks a status, not a feeling, therefore “love” becomes the most taboo of all words men say to each other.

For all our bravado the audience recognised how vulnerable we all were.

I’m assuming the word queer is more inclusive than the word gay. Apart from the rebranding… what else has changed? Prem, born 22 years after me, Ty Locke was born when I was 36 and Diogo… when I was 38. Yet, these artists are making sense of their gay/queer lives in much the same way Robin, Neil, Ivan and I were unpacking ours in 1984.

Pornography is quite wonderful, outrageous, intentionally shocking — but with real human beings stepping through the sensationalism at regular intervals to speak between the screams of cliché in normal conversational tones about who they are and how they really feel. The recurrent theme is one of intense pornographic description, which the actors suddenly stop, pause, and say, “of course that was merely a quotation,” or “but it really wasn’t like that.” Sky Gilbert

Using the language and locations of our gay lives as the springboard from which we leapt into something unimagined for the purpose of our devised spectacle. Using our experiences of the clubs, bars and saunas in London during the late 70’s early 1980’s. Wryly comparing the reality of our sex lives (we were all in our 20’s) with the fantasy of available paper/video pornography and the attributed pornographic work of Oscar Wilde who used the pseudonym Teleny for the purposes of his erotic writing.

All of this… against the looming spectre of an AIDS epidemic which had broken over London, was no longer an American ‘problem’… and, of course… the casual, often violent homophobia from the Police and the general public alike… whenever they could get away with manhandling us.

Sahib recreated interiors from The Back Street (1985-2022) an East End leather bar at Studio Voltaire in Clapham as we recreated scenes from similar leather bars and bath houses at the ICA.

The Back Street opened the year we made and toured our show.

As we used the red flock wallpaper from the gay bar coat check… the tantalising space between the street and the promise of cheap beer and easy men. Prem appropriated the lockers from the changing rooms at Chariots bath house (1997-2016) they were dumped in the car park. The lockers were subsequently acquired for the Tate Gallery’s permanent collection.

By contemporary standards the spaces we inhabited in 1984 were neither inclusive nor safe. The bars were frequented by white gay/bi men, sexual assault was common place and I don’t know if we knew anything about consent.

I went to my first, late night gay bar in Margate 1976 and stumbled out into the morning light in New York City, 1997. The year I got sober.

I have always craved the right to be visible… yet in 2025 I still think twice before I hold my lovers hand in the street. For 40 years I have second guessed myself and recognise the same PDA editing in the work of these younger artists. Invisibility, shame, fear and isolation have figured in the work of all these artists and… this old artist. Both then and now I summon those ghosts who haunted the lives of my gay ancestors: Shame, Fear and Isolation.

Is this inevitably who we are? Is this why gay artists 4 decades apart continue to explore the same themes? The streets are dangerous, the right vilify us, we are robbed, assaulted or murdered in search of sex or comfort.

Why do I want my lover to choke me? To slap me? To piss on me? Insult me? Why do I demand my lover do to me what I fear most on the street? Treat me violently because I am familiar with a glancing blow. Call me names because nothing you can say will ever sting as much as a stranger recognising what I am and calling me a faggot.

I recoil when you know who I am.

Comfort me when the violence is over… kiss my wounds.

As we were touring our gay show about sex worldwide, espousing the sexual freedoms we thought we enjoyed in clubs, bars and bathhouses the AIDS epidemic was crashing into our community.

By December 1985 when we finished our tour, reprising the show at the ICA… 41,200 gay men had been killed by AIDS in NYC alone. Killed in one year. Imagine this. Please. A generation of mainly young gay men. Men like Prem, Ty and Diogo.

I move to NYC in 1985.

I recoil from gay sex. I save my ass. I didn’t die. Why?

Brad, a beautiful young bar man serves me a Long Island Iced Tea at Sip and Twirl on Fire Island… he has a huge smile and perfect abs. I’m going to extravagantly tip him and flirt like my life depends on it. Later that night we pass each other on the boardwalk. Just a kiss. Brad wants to get fucked under the moon in The Meat Rack wearing his black leather waistcoat.

That beautiful boy, and boys like him… after the summer season in the Pines, they’re chasing the dollar serving cocktails back in the city at my favourite bars: Area, Saint, Boy Bar. Those barmen are so fucking beautiful.

We didn’t know what was happening out on the meat rack, as Brad was getting fucked by multiple men hanging from the trees in a makeshift sling… we were unaware. We didn’t know our little community would become the epicenter of the East Coast AIDS epidemic.

October 25 1985: The New York State Public Health Council empowers local health officials to close gay bathhouses, bars, clubs and other places where “high-risk sexual activity takes place.”

As the epidemic worsened, whenever we could face it, my partner Joe and I would covertly visit St Vincent’s Hospital and sit with young men dying of AIDS. We lived opposite the main entrance of the hospital on 12th Street and 7th Avenue. It is gruelling to watch a young man die.

The next time I saw Brad… he’s in St Vincent’s hospital sweating, writhing, delirious on his sodden bed. He’s covered in disfiguring lesions… crying out… crying out he doesn’t want to die! We held him as best we could. A few days later another gay man is in Brad’s bed begging for his life.

Brad will die alone. His Christian family stay away from the city. They are too ashamed to hold his hand or comfort him, mop his brow… he is torn away from life, from his beautiful gay life, a life ended by AIDS… in shame, fear and isolation.

1984/85

January 11: The U.S. Center for Disease Control (CDC) revises the AIDS case definition to note that AIDS is caused by a newly identified virus.
March 2: The U.S Food and Drug Administration licenses the first commercial blood test to detect HIV.
April 15–17: The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and the World Health Organization host the first International AIDS Conference in Atlanta, Georgia.
April 22: AIDS activist Larry Kramer autobiographical play, The Normal Heart opens Off-Broadway at the Public Theater. The play covers the impact of the growing AIDS epidemic on the New York gay community between 1981-1984. The play’s protagonist, Ned Weeks (Kramer’s alter ego)who is desperately banging on the doors of government and science in an attempt to stave off the annihilation of gay men.
May 1: As Is the first play about AIDS to make it to Broadway opens. The play gets excellent reviews and runs for 285 performances.
July 25: Actor Rock Hudson who played leading roles in over 60 Hollywood films, announces he has AIDS the first major U.S. public figure to do so.
August 31: The Pentagon announces that it will begin testing all new military recruits for HIV infection and reject those who test positive.
September 17: President Ronald Reagan mentions AIDS publicly for the first time calling it “a top priority”.
October 2: Rock Hudson dies of AIDS-related illness at age 59.
October 2: The U.S. Congress allocates nearly $190 million for AIDS research.
October 25: The New York State Public Health Council empowers local health officials to close gay bathhouses, bars, clubs and other places where “high-risk sexual activity takes place.”
December 4: The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors enacts strict regulations on local bathhouses to stop the spread of HIV.
December 19: A Los Angeles Times poll finds that a majority of Americans favor quarantining people who have AIDS. By year’s end, the United Nations states that at least one HIV case has been reported from each region of the world..

Do artists even talk about AIDS anymore?

Neil, Ivan, Duncan and Robin images from Pornography: a spectacle ICA 1984

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art

Billy Childish

Me and Billy at his Lehmann Maupin opening NYC 2015

I met Wild Billy Childish (William Hamper, Stephen Hamper) in September 1977. We met in the lobby of Medway College of Art, the first day of our Foundation Course and pretty much lived in each others pockets that year up on the hill overlooking Chatham and beyond.

I commuted from Whitstable to Chatham on the train wearing my mother’s green woollen tights and various punk get-ups. Braving a torrent of abuse. Bill was in a band called the Pop Rivets and interviewed Polly Styrene for his fanzine. He knew about Kurt Schwitters and German Expressionism and wood cutting and Celine’s Death On The Instalment Plan. He was very generous with what he knew and I was hungry to learn it.

When we left Medway… after a ten year pause we were friends for pretty much two decades. We collaborated on my performance art posters and I bought art from him when I had the money and he needed it.

I think he sent me every book he ever published, every album he ever pressed… and I have every punk fanzine he produced at Medway. He was a machine. Painting, printing, writing, singing, playing the guitar.

Charismatic bad girls flocked to him.

Billy’s girlfriend whilst at Medway was a beautiful woman called Rachel Waller who, when she was done with Billy, married the Olympian Steve Ovett.

While we were at Medway, Billy and Rachel took me under their wing. He recognised another tormented soul and she wanted a gang. However, he could be unashamedly homophobic and treated women as he saw his dad treat his timid mother, June… not very well.

One night Billy and Rachel took me to dinner at the expensive Windmill Restaurant in Whitstable with some money his dad had given him. They missed the last train home to Chatham from Whitstable and my step father refused to let them crash at the house. I was mortified.

After we left Medway he went to St Martin’s School of Art and I lived in Paris and changed my name. We didn’t really speak until 1990.

I did not know Billy when he was married to Sheila although when I met Sheila recently at the RCA she showed me her Billy brand on her upper arm. The hangman tattoo. He married Sheila when he was still with Tracey Emin which devastated Tracey. He could be a real twat.

Billy’s dad was not a good man. Billy seemed all at once in awe of him and terrified. Billy was brought up in Walderslade, a genteel and affluent neighbourhood on the outskirts of Chatham. His parent’s house was well appointed, decorated with real art and art books.

Bill’s father wore velvet collared coats and his Mother, June was a potter. When I was a teenager I liked visiting Billy’s house because it was so different from mine. I thought to myself, Billy and his brother would never want for anything.

Billy is terminally nostalgic and even when we were kids Billy took teen me to old men’s outfitters in Rochester and made me buy braces and homburg hats and I willingly followed his lead. I was his clueless project and soon I was wearing ripped tweed, argyle and caps. He was without doubt (until I met Fred Hughes) my greatest style influence. He was so sure of everything he said and I believed in him. He was the surest 18 year old I had ever met. I would ever meet.

The time I knew Billy the best was when he was married to Kira and had his son Huddy. June moved to Whitstable from Chatham and I was invited to Sunday lunch every weekend for years. Sometimes it was the only proper food I had. As June roasted a chicken, boiled vegetables and made crumble I sat in her spare bedroom which doubled as Billy’s Sunday studio watching him paint. I lazily listened to him talk about painters and painting and Tracey. Always Tracey. I sat and listened to him talk about politics, his health, Peter Doig (who we both knew) but as Tracey gained traction in her career so Billy became more agitated. The Emin tent with his name appliquéd in it… her painting which he felt Tracey owed him a thank you, but rather than be grateful she described him as… stuck. So he created a movement around Tracey calling him stuck, which is what a narcissist does I suppose.

The truth is, Billy was stuck. Stuck in his ways, enslaved by routine. Intransigent.

He tolerated my theatre success. It didn’t mean anything to him but after I met Joe and bought the Peter Cushing house and started making movies he shared that he found my success deeply concerning.

“I never want to talk about your work and I won’t come and see your movies.”

It was at this time Billy became aware I was friends with Jay Jopling who I met in Edinburgh whilst I was working for Ricky DeMarco. Jay and his YBA circus. Jay often visited the cottage at 13 Island Wall in Whitstable and brought his star acts with him. Billy would ask for an introduction to Jay or a studio visit (as did all of my artist friends) but Jay who represented Tracey Emin at White Cube described Billy as ‘tricky’ and refused to meet him or see his work. I remember exactly where that conversation happened and how I dreaded telling Billy… Jay wasn’t interested.

It was his separation from Kira that showed Billy at his worst. Billy’s new American girl now wife Julie inserted herself into all of our lives and frankly, it didn’t feel very good. I liked Kira. She was firm but kind and I respected her authority.

After Kira left and Julie moved in I tried having lunch with them as usual but I couldn’t just pretend things hadn’t changed so I stopped having Sunday lunch with June, Billy and Julie. I continued buying his work. Things came to a head one Sunday afternoon when he visited the Cushing house with Julie and we got into some verbal argy bargy. I told him I thought the way he treated women was despicable. It was then, and only then, he threatened me with physical violence. Sometimes you see people exactly for who they are. Later that evening he called and apologised for his behaviour but it was too late… I had seen him.

I saw Billy recently at Frieze. He gave me a hug and said he thought he might see me. He told me to call.

I didn’t call.

Then, coincidentally I met Billy and Kira’s son’s Australian girlfriend who works in a gallery along side the RCA. Causing me to meet Huddy as an adult, an artist whose work is very similar in style to his father’s.

The last time I saw June she said,

“I’m 90.”

She died shortly after. I heard from Whitstable locals Billy didn’t visit very often.

All in all what do I feel about Billy now? We will continue to bump into each other. We are in the same orbit. I feel as if I was dumped when I saw the worst of him, but Billy never had the courage to tell me why he gaslights me.

I’m left with the paintings, the books the records and stacks of drawings. The paintings I have? Nobody really wants the old stuff. Billy now paints like he actually wants to sell his work. The early work… jarring colours and equally jarring subject matter now ditched for Doig like forests of silver birch and sunsets.

He painted me a cat. I said, “Can you paint it pink?”

I think he probably sneered… but he painted it anyway.

Billy Childish oil on canvas Cat

Categories
art

Mental Health Crisis

Psoriasis? Or something more sinister?

Easter 2025

Easter 2024 I discovered an itchy, scaly rash on my buttocks and on the back of my legs. A routine trip to both the doctor and the STD clinic (was it Money Pox?) posited I had either Psoriasis or Eczema. Both conditions apparent in my immediate family. It didn’t really occur to me these diagnosis were not consistent and I should really have sought a third opinion.

By late January of this year and quite suddenly the painful and desperately itchy rash had spread all over my body and I woke up to specs of dried blood all over the sheets and pillowcases. I tried a little on-line diagnosis of my own and bought some scabies cream just in case. After two weeks the situation had become dire.

A trip to the dermatologist in Canterbury and a helpful doctor friend seemed to point in an altogether more sinister direction. The consultant immediately put me on a very heavy dose of steroids which, may have helped with my skin but my mood plummeted. The pills make me jittery and thirsty, I became snappy and impatient. The steroids catastrophically compromised my already shaky emotional and mental foundation.

I knew I had to get out of the RCA as soon as possible. I had to get out of the studio… as in this highly charged environment I was likely to say the wrong thing or react incorrectly to a bunch of much younger people who understandably could not easily empathise with an old man with a bad diagnosis.

The problem with Steroids (Alex my studio cohort and Anthropologist turned Artist told me) steroids have three emotional outcomes: Glad, Mad or Bad. Mine was decidedly bad and mad. I felt terrible.

After two biopsies things became a little clearer. Still not crystal clear… but much clearer. Although sinister there are two flavours of the same sinister. I will know the (bad or less bad) outcome on Tuesday 22nd April.

I fled to Portugal to be on my own. I’ve been sleeping until Midday every day since I arrived in the Algarve. My skin is healing for the most part, the pustules held back by the steroids.

I am less grumpy because I am totally isolated from other humans.

The spector of my insanity in retreat.

When I was happier I wanted to do a PhD: Artists and Insanity.

An article in the New York Times by Tara Parker-Pope uses the work of Martin Ramirez, an artist with schizophrenia, to ponder the well-worn perception that artistic creativity and mental illness are somehow inevitably linked.

Emotional disorders are not afflictions that sometimes come with built-in creativity. It’s time to kill this stereotype and the stigmatising statements that often come along with it.

We with mental health issues are still not understood when we present for the most part as normal. Like a trans person I seek to pass without being noticed until I am caught chatting to myself or saying things I wonder why… why did I say that?

It became obvious, very quickly… even though I had made my life-long mental health struggles very clear to the RCA administration before I arrived, my concerns were not being passed onto the correct department.

This may have had something to do with a messy transfer of power from the brilliant and enigmatic CAP head of department (now Dean) Chantal Faust to firstly Jordan Baseman then to Dr Harold Offeh.

Crucial information was not communicated. Two long term hospitalisations in psychiatric hospitals, ongoing mental health care, a massive head injury when I was a child. There really wasn’t any kind of support or help from the College.

I suppose, because for the greater part of my life, I manage my condition.

I am used to going as far as I can before the wheels come off but after a couple of incidents (I will write about these at a later date) I begged the student union for help. Help came in the form of a very level headed guy who talked me through what was happening.

When I discussed my health I found the staff in my department prone to infantilisation. They looked at me with fixed, wide eyed grins as if they were placating a baby.

I mean… they are just artists. They are not doctors, they are not therapists. I understand they were just trying their best.

So I wrote to Harold Offeh the head of CAP and told him I desperately needed to get away because I knew I was holding back a dam of emotions that could not afford to break at the college.

If I were epileptic and had a seizure… how would they react? A seizure is very scary for other people. It is confusing. It can be triggering.

That’s what mental illness looks like. It is something I have struggled with all my life. Periodically I can hold my head above the water and get things done then I am dragged deep beneath the waves.

When I fight my way up again gasping for air… things were not as they were.

I’ll write more tomorrow.

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