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Royal College of Art REVIEW 24/25 PART THREE

Chamonix July/August 2025

Gaza Body Bag RCA 24/25 Cancelled art work. Granite, paint, rope wool, cadaver bag.

‘Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.’ Pablo Picasso

Sitting at my desk in view of these great mountains.  I feel calm and relaxed but aware of an impending tempest creeping toward me.  I’m ordering canvases and pigment paid for by my host. I wonder how these nascent feelings will make themselves known.

I can’t help mulling over my time at the RCA.  If I hadn’t been on anti depressants these past five years I would have reacted very badly to the way I was infantilised by the tutors at the RCA.

I might have laid on the floor and screamed like the baby they thought they were poking.  

Sitting in the office like a naughty boy because… I didn’t say ‘they’ rather than she.  Because… I took up wall space.  Because… I chose a 9 by 9 canvas to paint.  Because I had frank conversations about sex. Their beady eyes, condescending eyes… enjoying their opportunity to admonish the confident, award winning, accomplished film maker and performance artist.  I felt like I was in a petting zoo with these curious animals nipping at me to see what I was made of. 

Goading me. Will he strike back?

Ok, I made a deep dive into the fetid world of academia. I escaped… and am happy to breath fresh, mountain air. In all my days I had never been in such a toxic, competitive environment.

‘Don’t think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if it’s good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art.’ Andy Warhol

I started taking anti depressants after I contracted covid in 2020.  I stopped taking anti depressants the month before last.   The veil lifted.  The brain shocks took a while to fade. I want to fuck again… I began having deeper, less controlled emotions.  I am far less patient and very snappy.  Regardless of all this… I am pleased to be back in the world of full fat feelings… with a solid desire to express myself.  Somehow I was less motivated to write and make art when I was under the chemical cosh.

Ross and others shared they were on anti depressants.  I wonder what their art would be without the mind altering drugs?

I have been in and out of hospitals for decades… as and when my mental health gets the better of me.   The longest time I spent in hospital was a whole year.  The mentally ill are far better understood now, than we used to be.  However, I never really felt my mental health was taken seriously in the RCA petting zoo.  Did they expect me to be rational?  

The angry Chinese guy who challenged me after my first RCA blog raised an interesting point.  He suggested… I didn’t want to learn anything at the RCA and just applied to the school for ‘validation’.  The first part is easily debunked.  The second part of his comment is more interesting.  Do I crave validation? 

Well, yes… I do.  I write to be read. I paint to be appreciated. I crave applause from the audience. I desire film reviews. The tears and laugher from those who watch me tell my story (flay myself) at an AA meeting.  I love when people comment on my blog. I love the attention… good and bad. 

That boy threatened to ‘drag’ me and I came in my pants. I love it when you tell me I’m a great cook. I love it when you praise my garden and the way I decorate my house, the art I have chosen.

I am unashamedly a validation junkie… I faint with pleasure when you hate me as vigorously as you love me.

I am the jouster and a jester… a validation junkie.

Art isn’t about the creator, what they think, or how they interpret their own work whether it’s poetry, music, or paintings. It’s about the spectator and how they interpret it.‘ Oscar Wilde

As the RCA recedes and the people I met… who I didn’t know a year ago, I will not remember a year from now.  I can scarcely remember men I have had months long relationships with.

I am a stone skimming over the surface of life.  I have little interest in knowing people for long.  To meet them once is enough.  Or to boast… I was there.

10 convivial moments.

  1. I saw Joni Mitchell play Fez under Time Cafe on Lafayette in NYC. 1995
  2. I saw Ivan Lendl play Boris Becker, Wimbledon. 1986
  3. I stomped divots with the H.M. The Queen on Smiths Lawn. 1984
  4. I had dinner with Heath Ledger, Michelle Williams and Ian Drew after a private Prince concert at The Roosevelt Hotel. 2007
  5. Fred Hughes introduces me to Andy Warhol at The Factory. 1985
  6. Rufus Sewell calls as I am driving my F150 up the PCH from Malibu to Topanga. Our friend and massage therapist DL discovered our friend Heath Ledger dead in his bed. DL doesn’t alert 911, DL calls Ashley Olsen. 2008
  7. Jim Ede at Kettle’s Yard with Ricky DeMarco. 1988
  8. Dinner with Morgan Stanley CEO John Mack, his wife and daughter at The Mercer describing the moment Timothy Geitner calls, the banks are failing, asking what to save: The people or the banks? 2015
  9. New Years Eve, Mercer Kitchen dinner with Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise, Sporty Spice, Fran Leibowitz, Alan Cumming, Calvin Klein, Martine McCutcheon and Matt Goss. 1999
  10. Province Town, my birthday party thrown by Michael Cunningham. Guests include Jennie Livingstone, Andrew Sullivan, Douglas Friedman, John Derian, Ken Fulk. 2015

I don’t currently have communication with any of the people mentioned above. I don’t need to. I knew them as much I needed to know them, at the precise moment I met them. I didn’t need to go to Wimbledon again, I didn’t need to know Sporty Spice… and she didn’t need to know me.

Although… quite unexpectedly, I was taken to the home of Joni Mitchell by her ex husband on Laurel Canyon the night we thought we saw Elizabeth Taylor dining at the Chateau. It wasn’t Elizabeth.

Jennie Livingstone Provincetown MA 2015

The friends I have are on borrowed time.  I will know them… until I tire of them.  I suppose that’s why gay life suited me, the transitory nature of gay life, one night stands… casual sex… anonymity.   The social mobility of my gay life, one day a Duke another a dustman.  Listening to their stories then passing on… cum in my beard.  

This is why AA suited me… the constant flow of desperate people with desperate stories flushing through the rooms of AA.  Never settling, skimming… like me, over the surface of life. 

This is why Hollywood suited me, meeting people but never engaging with them for anything than the duration of the ‘meeting’.  I am at Leo’s house showing my movie in his very own cinema… I will never see him again.  I am on Malibu Pier with Jen and Brad having breakfast… I will never see them again.  I am walking with Channing on the beech… I will never see him again.  All I am left with is the story of a fleeting moment and that’s all I want to be left with.

I was at the RCA with Xavier, I’m bound to say… when he is a huge star. ‘We drank hot chocolate made with oat milk at Parker’s as he fretted over which major gallery to sign with.’

Gaza After Guernica 2024/25 RCA Paper Graphite Oil Stick

2.

Every day I see the most atrocious, sickening and heartbreaking images from the killing fields of Gaza.  The mass murder curently happening in my name to the people of Palestine.  Kids murdered.  Kids starving.  Kids full of hope over a bag of lentils then shot in the head.  A five year old child shot in the head holding a bag of lentils.

The UK government is fully complicit in these murders.  Starmer, our sinister Zionist leader, makes dreary, unemotional speeches promising action but does nothing.  He and other European leaders like Macron, are making Israel’s genocidal dream come true.   I tried to address this in my work at the RCA but it was removed by Harold Offeh, like the work of another anti Israel artist Zina Karaman… controversial elements of her work removed by the staff.

Art.  Making art.  I just donated 40 years of diaries to a national diary archive.  The rest of my archive and all of my finished movies are held at the UCLA Library Film & Television Archive.  

I have never stopped making work.  Perhaps my most audacious artistic endeavour is this blog. First a diary… now a blog.  There are huge gaps I am trying to fill, playing catch up writing the missing years by hand.  

My friend has an atelier I will use as my studio.  Tomorrow I’ll clear it out.  I want to finish the series of black paintings.  Paintings to remember the burned Malibu garden.

Cactus Tree

by Joni Mitchell

‘There’s a man who sends me medals
He is bleeding from the war
There’s a jouster and a jester
And a man who owns a store
There’s a drummer and a dreamer
And you know there may be more
I will love them if I see them
They will lose me if they follow
And I only mean to please them
My heart is full and hollow
Like a cactus tree…’

© April 1, 1968; Siquomb Publishing Corp

Categories
Queer

Forgotten Artists

Fire Island Dawn

For centuries great artists have been isolated, opportunities withheld for being homosexual, women and people of color.  Amazingly, black, gay and female artists are still side lined, deliberately obscured, forgotten.  One of them might have been Robert DeNiro‘s gay father, Robert DeNiro Sr. who is currently having his gay moment in the sun… albeit posthumously.   His famous son and names sake pledges that he isn’t going to let the establishment forget his father’s name.  DeNiro keeps his father’s studio like The British National Trust keep Vita Sackville-West‘s tower.  In aspic.

DeNiro cries because he regrets not forming a loving relationship with his father.  Why now?  Why is DeNiro telling us now about his gay dad?   Because he can.   DeNiro is rewriting his personal history to include his previously forgotten father.  Yet, it turns out that it wasn’t just DeNiro who erased his father’s memory for so long… predictably, so did the arts establishment.

For hundreds of years the male-dominated arts establishment didn’t want women written into art history, as recently as the 1930’s painter Gwen John, the more talented sister of Augustus.  Side lined.  Ignored.  Considered an acquired taste.  Black directors of theatre and film… considered inadequate.  Gay men passed over for straight directors or their gay films/scripts/stories ignored… often by other gay men in positions of power.

You know, gender/race apartheid still happens in Hollywood.  Fine directors, black, women and gay… side lined, excluded and maligned by otherwise ‘liberal’ or ‘forward thinking’ agents managers and studio heads… in favor of straight white men.  Most of the decision makers, ironically… are gay white men.  Colluding with the status quo.

We all have our Hollywood horror stories, I used to think my Hollywood story was unusual but sadly I share my experience with black directors, women directors and fellow gay and lesbian directors.  I used to think it was just me, Duncan Roy… the ‘difficult one’ but I have met some really nice people, some really talented folk who share this Hollywood experience word for word, blow by blow.

I’ll tell you my story.  It’s a true story.  I have not disguised the names of those I met.  Here it goes.  Get ready.  Ten or so years ago after the initial success of my British Academy nominated film, AKA  I found out that old ideas about who should succeed based on gender, sexual orientation and the color of your skin flourished in Hollywood…

I made a feature film.

Making an independent film is difficult.  Making a gay, independent film is almost impossible.  After shooting the film we had no money to finish it.  Margaret Matheson the award winning Producer came to our aid, she took the film to The Briitsh Film Council who reluctantly agreed to finish the film.

I was told by Paul Trijbits at the UK Film Council that “No one will be interested in your film… only you and gay people.”  He spat the word gay at me.  Paul was a renowned ladies man.  He had slept with Gulshan Jaffery the producer of my previous films.  Paul could get away with that kind of homophobia ten years ago.  Both Margaret Matheson and I were, by that time, used to snide and homophobic remarks from straight men like Paul Trijbits.   We learned to ignore them.

After the film was finished we realized that we had a cult gay hit on our hands.  AKA travelled the world opening and closing gay and lesbian film festivals winning many awards.  We were invited to Outfest, the LA gay and lesbian film festival.  They offered us a prime time screening at The Directors Guild if we could provide them with a 35mm print.  We agreed.  Until that point I had never seen my film on a huge screen.  I had never seen it projected on 35mm.  I had never experienced it in Dolby surround sound.

The weeks leading up to the screening I was camping at the sprawling, un-renovated home in Santa Monica of writer/actor Brandon Boyce and his Italian child bride Roberto.  The film had been winning awards but I did not expect the cynical film industry to respond very well to a gay film told (think Abel Gance Napoleon) on three screens running simultaneously throughout.

Paul Trijbits’ remark lingered like an acrid fart and I wondered the night of our Hollywood screening if Paul’s prophecy would come true.   As it turned out, he was completely wrong and completely right.

As Brandon and I arrived for the screening  he said, “God, the entire velvet mafia are here.” I had no idea what that meant.  I wish I’d asked.  The film played to a hushed crowd and after the final credit the audience erupted.  Applause like I had never known.  In the lobby afterwards I was assaulted by every one who was anyone but I had no idea who anyone was.

That night Jason Weinberg from Untitled took me to dinner at The Chateau Marmont, he said he wanted to be my manager but Stephen Macias from Outfest had already told me that he was my manager and so, not realizing what a terrible mistake I was making, declined Jason’s kind offer.  Macias, as it turned out, was going to be one of the worst people I ever let into my life.  A more conniving, drunk/drug fucked and foolish man you ever did meet.

During dinner at the Chateau people were coming to our table and congratulating me.

That night I took a taxi home to Santa Monica and even though this had been the most triumphant day of my life I had never felt more alone and uncomfortable.  I learned a great lesson that night, for all their foibles Americans believe inherently that they are destined for greatness so when it happens to them… they are prepared.  They graciously accept the award, the money and the plaudits.  I had, that night, in my greatest hour… only the lingering promise of defeat.  Paul and men like him poisoning the moment with their homophobia, their doubt and their jealousy.

During the next few weeks I met everyone who was anyone in Hollywood, Leonardo DiCaprio came to a screening of the movie, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston had a screening at their house and I was invited to meet every major agent, every studio, every independent production company.

The previous year I had been in Cannes and met John Lesher who is now a fine producer with exquisite taste but was at that time an influential agent at Endeavor.  So, when it came to choosing an agent I was clear about who I wanted representing me.  Brian Swardstrom, Tilda’s agent, had seen the film and had reintroduced me to John.  I made the decision and told Steve Macias.

Macias told me that it was Hollywood etiquette to take every meeting.  So, I was forced by Macias to go to CAA, William Morris,  UTA and ICM even though I had already made a decision to sign with Endeavor.  The agents I met were utterly appalling.  At every agency I was introduced to the token gay agent and every one of those gay agents told me definitively that if I wanted to make further gay themed films I should kiss my Hollywood career goodbye.

It was like being forced back into the closet.

My favorite line, delivered by lesbian agent Rowena Arguelles at CAA, was said with such gravity I thought it was a joke.  I told her that I had already made a decision to go with John Lesher at Endeavor.  She told me that Endeavor was going bankrupt, she told me that I would just be another director at Endeavor but if I chose CAA to represent me I would be a star.  I laughed out loud.  Not because I was being a dick… but because I thought it was a joke.  Because nobody had ever spoken to me like that… not seriously.

On the way out Rowena looked scathingly at my Smythsons, black leather diary and thinking it was a bible asked me what chapter I was reading… I opened it and said, August.

As it turned out, my representation at Endeavor was short-lived, deliberately upended by then ICM agent Nicole Clemens.  Nicole made a particular nuisance of herself in her attempt to sign me, coming to Brandon’s house in Santa Monica at 7am and calling 24/7 begging for a meeting that my ‘manager’ Stephen Macias insisted I take.  After the third unsolicited call to my home Nicole delivered this apocryphal line.

She said it through the letter box.

“You and I have to work together because we have so much in common.”  I opened the door.  “What,” I asked, “Did we have in common?”

“Well,”  she spluttered, “We both love being fucked in the ass.”

I slammed the door.   That incident really happened.

I told Stephen Macias but he insisted that I meet with her and her boss at ICM even though I was already represented by Lesher.  When I finally met Nicole at her office I told her again that I had signed with Lesher.  She tried to persuade me to change my mind.  She told me that I would end up like Ken Loach if I didn’t change my attitude.  I laughed.  I told her I couldn’t think of a better way to end up.  I told her I was leaving, she picked up the phone and had her assistant call Swardstrom,  she told him I was at ICM taking a meeting with regard to representation.

Brian, understandably, went crazy and that was that.  No more Endeavor.

Finally, I signed with Bobby Thompson who had discovered and nurtured Tim Burton… but it was over for me in Hollywood.  Between the rabid homophobia, my lack of experience, Macias and Clemens I kissed my Hollywood career goodbye.

During the next few months I met all the above again, firstly at Sundance where the film played to enthusiastic audiences and at the British Academy Awards where I was nominated for a best new comer award.  I didn’t win.  I stayed in the UK.  A very long way from Hollywood and the homophobia, conniving and lies of the people I met there.

At Sundance I bumped into Paul Trijbits, he looked sheepishly at me over a dinner that was thrown by my agent for me and Tilda Swinton.   He was wrong that nobody was interested in the film… but he was right that at that time gay product was worthless.  Ten years later all of that has changed.  I, of course, was in the gay film making vanguard.   I often wondered if I stumbled so young gay directors could flourish?

No.  That hasn’t happened.  Gay directors are still sidelined by gay agents and gay studio executives.  Gay projects hijacked by established straight directors… Liberace, Dallas Buyers Club, Brokeback Mountain… to name but three gay themed films made by straight directors and producers.  The work we all put into changing attitudes toward gay film making and gay story telling worked… but not for gay directors.

Homophobic people like Nicole Clemens who may very well have ‘evolved’ since then… put the kibosh on that.

The 35mm print shown that extraordinary night now rests peacefully in the vault at UCLA as part of the Outfest Legacy Project.

 

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