Archives for posts with tag: Activism and Peace Work

There was a moment this afternoon when, yet again, I felt totally at peace with who and where I was.  Not only did I feel as if I was inhabiting my own skin but I wanted for nothing.  That is a wonderful feeling.

As in any full life there are problems…but nothing that seems to steer me away from this feeling of being settled, peaceful and at one with the world.

I walked to the new road…it was wonderful…it’s nearly finished…not that I will ever drive on it.

I want to cuddle up with someone.  To share my bonhomie.

75 pages into the script.  It’s fucking brilliant…even if I say so myself.

When I left Joe after 7 years I could not understand why he was so angry with me.

I was old enough to know better.

Perhaps he had separation issues?  My arrogant reasoning.  Whatever it was, after I felt him his fury lasted for two years.  Perhaps I deserved it?  My ‘kindly’ leaving him, after all that I promised, was worth being punished for?

I know now that I certainly deserved it.

There is no good goodbye.  There is no way to ‘kindly’ leave someone you have loved and who loves you.   I loved Joe so badly but when it was time to go I had to pack my bags and leave.  Of course…it was not going to be that simple…I had the full weight of a billionaire’s wrath focused on me.  We ended up in court…well, I ended up outside a court room negotiating with his representative.

I was a litigant in person which meant that I repped myself.  I handled my own divorce.  I was happy with the outcome.  Who wouldn’t be?

I was also, at that time, two years sober.   I couldn’t have left him if I had been drinking.   The foundation on which our relationship was built had been sodden with white wine and Maker’s Mark since we first met.

Even after we had thrown everything we could at one another during our very messy divorce I still wanted to be his friend.  My love is not so easily discarded.  Like it or not people (his friends) we have seen each other since that time.  I wanted so badly to be at peace with him.

Surely that’s not unreasonable?

I made a hefty financial and emotional amends.  I paid him over $1, 000, 000.   I refused to hate him.  Yet, like it or not, I was on a solitary path.  On my own.  From then on I just couldn’t bear the pain of falling out of love.

Not until last year did I risk opening my heart again. Ha!  Look where that ended up.  What galls me most is that I attempted, yet again, a kind goodbye and yet again I was rebuffed.

When relationships end it seems unthinkable that a workable peace cannot be achieved.  That an amends can’t be made.  That adults can’t find a solution and part amicably.

My part.  What is my part?  How do I take responsibility for my actions?  The choices I make?  I assure you that I know all too well that given the correct information ahead of time I will try to do the right thing.

Even if, as was the case, I was duped into my last relationship.

How can anyone make the right life choice when the facts have been so skewed?

When I am lied to, when the truth is withheld from me how am I expected to make good choices?  That is how we find ourselves in this present pickle.

I simply would not have entertained knowing JB if he had told me the truth.

The house smells of hyacinth.  The boys are making themselves midnight snacks.  They dragged me to the movies.    We saw Paul which we really enjoyed.  We were the only people in the cinema.