Death Gay Love

Gaping Hole

Nothing.  Nothing to say, write or comment on.  In my own head.   Do you know that feeling?  When life is so overwhelming?   I could not sleep last night.  Perhaps it was the cheese again.  Must stop eating cheese before bedtime.

It is easy to look over ones life and just remember the things one has lost rather than what one has found.

I am going to New York this weekend.  Staying on 10th street again.   Comfortable.

It seems like for the past few months I have made one bad decision after another.   If only I could tear myself away from the self-loathing.  To love myself enough to give the man I see occasionally in the mirror..a break.  Do you think that is possible?

I just made a huge pot of black coffee and drank it all.  Friends arriving from London today.   Dinner with Toby last night.  Saw Please Give with Katherine Keener.   It was a lovely film.  Very New York, very sad.   I shed a tear at the end.

Did I ever tell you that for a short time I was friendly with Katherine Keener?   She has a lovely house in Santa Monica, beautifully decorated with really well-chosen furniture.  She has the most amazing taste.

I tell you what is happening in my head.  I feel as if I am in some terrible competition.  A competition that I can never win because it’s not my game.   I am not like ‘them’ so I can’t win.    I feel very unsafe.  Not like I was going to die because that would be easy.  To know for sure the time and place of ones own death.

Unsafe, because I want something so badly knowing that it can never ever happen.    That something is not a person or a thing or a place but the peace of mind that has eluded me for so long.   I have learned that nothing can fix me.  Nothing can make it better.  Maybe a more complete relationship with God but to have that relationship with God I must remove the lead cap I am wearing that keeps me in the dark.

I sat in a room yesterday morning with 70 men who all looked so fucking miserable.  Every man in there just trying to make sense of what and who he was.   today, I have no idea what the answer is.

To wake up with no answers is a terrible thing.

The little dog is sleeping.   He is waiting for me to pull on my pants and take him for a long walk.  I used to think that if I could just keep on going, keep the momentum then everything would be ok but I have nothing to look forward to right now.

Just a gaping hole where a life should be.

11 replies on “Gaping Hole”


I’ve followed you on Twitter since you were on Celebrity Rehab. My wife and I both found you to be by far the most endearing of the people on the show. We got a small glimpse into your life and we both were brought to tears on several occasions as you practiced very difficult self-disclosure.

I hear that same kind of pain coming out in your writing now, and I’m truly sorry. I deal with a lot of peoples’ pains and struggles, and I’m certainly not exempt from my own, but your pain today has particularly affected me.

I’m a pastor in the Chicagoland area and I’m in the middle of a message series on the need that God has placed in our hearts to know others and to be known by others. Life doesn’t work to well for any of us if we get “stuck in our heads” like you wrote today. Life is difficult no matter what, but when we have a trusted community of others to surround us, we start to feel like we can get through the tough times. It is almost like there is something supernatural that happens when we hear what God has done in one person’s life…almost the birth of the hope that if God did that in his/her life, then maybe, just maybe God can work together the mess in my own life.

Duncan, I know that you don’t know me at all but if any of this rings true to you, you are more than welcome to send me an email. Until then, I’m asking God to pull you out of your pit. He is there and he loves you dearly.



Neil, you brought tears to my eyes reading your post.True words which struck a cord in my heart.I hope Duncan reaches out to you, I have a feeling he might. I wish you were my pastor.


You are very kind. Thank you. I wish you came to my church 🙂 Feel free to listen to any of my messages on my church website:



Thank you for having such an open heart. May God and your angels continue to uplift you.



Duncan dear, nothing I can say can make any difference, a funk is a feckin funk. It will pass.You have so much, (too much?) going on.
stay in a safe place, there are people who love you and think about you every day. I am one of them.

Dearest Duncan: Sending you bunches of love. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way today. You are lovable just the way you are. There’s nothing you need to fix except your willingness to see how wonderful you really are.


Dear sweet man. I’m so sorry for your pain. Please , please know you ARE safe. You WILL feel it. You have before, I think. In brief moments like when you talked about the day of blessing. YOU ARE UPHELD. You just can’t feel it right now because you’re missing someone and you feel so alone. And bereft.

I’m so glad that your friends are coming from England today. I hope that you will let them lighten your heart. That you will let yourself feel loved.

When we’re feeling most broken is the time when if we let it, God’s grace will pour in. Through all the shattered places. Trust me, I know. It’s hard when the world keeps throwing these high-powered curve balls at you. But you’re overshadowed by angels and if you let them, you’ll feel the power to knock those balls out of the park.

Do you ever do that psych exercise where you look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and tell yourself 5 things that you like about yourself? Or just say “I love you”? Dammit, tell that man in the mirror that you love him! Despite the pain, the flaws, the misgivings. Tell him and mean it. Stop telling yourself that you can never have “what you want most dearly”. YOU CAN!!!

Neil Schori talked about community. You have many. Your friends, your groups, and us, your readers. There was a quote by Rumi that the Beloved shows himself through our lovers and friends but even in their absence, he’s ALWAYS THERE. YOU ARE LOVED!!!

Take heart. Find something, anything to make yourself laugh today. No sad songs, no sad films. Laughter!



awww D, we all feel for you, no one is exempt from the blues. Hell i sat in my jammys half the day yesterday ,because I had too much on my plate and family issues, and some big choices to make. Go take wee dog out for a walk and breathe, clear the mind. You are so loved. And quit blaming the cheese! its innocent i tell you!

Awww, youre sad Honey, because your man/boy went away. Im sorry. When I read a couple of emails back that he was going away in a few days, I said to myself, Duncan’s next post is going to be a sad one where he questions everything and is in a funk about life. (I guess thats the downside to posting blogs, people think they know you.) I understand how youre feeling because I used to be just like you….love sick. Love would make me sick. Depressed. Feeling like I was losing my mind. Being on a constant emotional rollercoaster. Youre in the depths because hes gone. Dont you think?

Oh Duncan, I’m not going to dismiss your feelings because they are valid. Nor will I mollycoddle you and make you tea and tell you it’s all going to be ok. What I want to do is to grab you by the lapels and shake you and tell you to snap out of it. But that might make you feel worse. You know there is more because you have found more. You know it will get better because it has gotten better. You know you will survive because you are a survivor. To use a bad metaphor. We are all like onions with multiple layers and they peel away leaving us feeling raw. You are stuck in a nether world existence right now. You have changed so you can’t go back to your old ways. But you haven’t changed enough to know how to exist in your new skin. In your new ways. We don’t exist in a vacuum. When change comes the old stuff comes bubbling to the surface in order that we may shed it. That’s what is happening now. There is hope because you are you.

Huge Hugg’s to you from me.

You are a very intelligent, caring, endearing and warm man! Someone who I would like to call a friend! Sometimes what seems like a dark bottomless hole will occur in life and normally great things happen when we are able to pull ourselves out of them. You have a great deal to give to society and I am looking forward to seeing what this will be; once this cloud passes.

Keep thinking to one self… “It’s just a cloud and there is greatness to come” and you will be on the right track. You have a great deal of people who care for you (as in all who have left the wonderful above messages) and next time when you look in the mirror give yourself a smile… 1st for who you are, 2nd for what you have achieved, 3rd for those who you have pulled in around you past and present… you have a lot to smile for… just think how happy little dog is! This is all from your love that you provide and care that you give.

Keep giving mate and keep smiling…! (Now sending you virtual hugs via the net).


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