Archives for posts with tag: Hearing impairment

It’s none of my business what you think about me. Remember that. Duncan Roy…asshole.

Busy past few days. Mostly interested by the end of my novel. Eluded me until last night. Then, just as we are serving dinner (Michael B), it hit me like a rock in the head. The dignified end that had been requested of me.

I have had to really listen these past few days. Listen to somebody I have never met yet whose opinions I trust. Somebody who although several thousand miles away, is as engaged as I am with my book. It is all at once disconcerting and exhilarating.

He asked if I was wedded to the idea that this be a ‘gay’ novel. Don’t! That’s what I thought. Please don’t do this to me. Then, without a moments thought I said that I wasn’t wedded to the idea but didn’t know if I could write it any other way. He suggested that I re read a certain novel with similar themes. That I might be inspired. Well, I did and I was. He was right.

As a result of his suggestion..everything has to be re-jigged but it is smoother, less…his words…’self conscious’. That seems to be what he levels at me most often…that my writing is ‘self conscious’. Then I think to myself, you are out there helping me write a better novel. Do you want to write? No, he says. That’s not my job. I don’t have those aspirations. Like a therapist he is loathed to talk about anything else other than my work and me. He is a closed book.

He helped me with the POV (Point of View) which I had thought about a million times when making a film but never when writing prose.

So, there’s a beginning, middle and an end. That’s that.

What else? Well, I have been in the garden for hours. It looks amazing. I am either at my desk editing or I am in the garden planting and pruning. My nails are constantly black with mud. There is a trail of dirt through the house where I can’t be bothered to take off my shoes but get very grumpy if anyone else forgets to.

I went to a dinner with Tom and wished he didn’t want to sleep with 19 year old boys but wanted to sleep with me. I had sex with the deaf boy whose deafness kinda turns me on. We fucked. I wish I knew him better.

The Dane arrives this evening and we set off on our adventure. What is it with me and adventures?

Have been to therapy every day. I feel great. I feel complete. I know, God damn it, that this will pass but being active in the body and the mind seems to placate my yearning heart. However, I am acutely aware that when I feel good like this I start hankering for more. Where’s mine?

The house has been redecorated so I can sell it, yet it is more beautiful so I don’t want to sell it.

I have been having long, stressful conversations with the realtor and the bank.   I pray, I stay in consultation with my peers.

A woman I was at school with wrote to me recently and reminded me of a poem I had written when I was eleven.  I think it’s rather good.  Good enough to share with you all.

There’s a hole in my mind/

And I do feel inclined/

to cover it with leaves/

so the hands of thieves/

cannot touch it.

It’s quite a telling little poem written by a mad little boy drowning not waving.

The past days have been deadly confusing. Is this what happens when grown ups fall in love?  Is that it?  It’s really hard to write convincingly about love because the symptoms of love remind me of the symptoms of addiction, of drugs, of hangovers.  It is all so damned intense.

Who doesn’t want to fall in love and feel all these things?

I cannot move-does love cause this geriatric immobility?  I cannot think.  I am frozen to the spot – then in the next, immediate moment I am running around making important decisions that I should have made months ago.  I an revitalized, confident, hopeful.

I decided to sell my art collection.  I called a gallery owner.  He will come and assess the art I keep in Hollywood then on the tenth of February (when the renters leave Malibu) he will assess the rest.

I can’t wait to see it all go.  Every last bit of it.  I am tired of all this STUFF.  Too many things in too many places, too many plates, too many forks, too many vases, too many paintings, etchings and far too many sheets and pillowcases.  Too many rooms for too many guests that I no longer feel like entertaining because I want to bury myself in him.

Now I am eyeing the furniture and the silver and want to liquefy it all.  The odd thing is-if I get the correct price for everything I can be debt free, run my little farm, get off the grid and beholden to no one.   That’s what the goats and the chickens are for: to clear the brush and lay eggs.  Of course, some of you don’t like the idea of me eating the goats but that’s what we do when we live off the land.

Isn’t that the dream we all have?

When I am in Hollywood I lay in my bed listening to my neighbors screaming at one another.   They scream the most disgusting, violent things.  He tells her to ‘shut the fuck up’, to ‘get away’ from him.  He tells her that she is a ‘fucking bitch’.  Then they repeatedly slam all the doors in the apartment and she gets deathly quiet and I worry he may have killed her.

Whenever I see them in the lobby they behave as if we don’t know.  As if none of us who live near them can hear.  As if we are deaf to insult, blind to knives in rotten flesh.

No one/someone/no one/someone/none?  For almost everyone I know the choice is obvious.  My mother scoffs at people who have no one.  She would rather be in any relationship, however bad, than come home to an empty house.  I would rather come home to an empty house than any half measure.  Loveless, passionless half measures.  No, that’s not for me.

If he is unavailable?  What of that?  What if he had someone else?

Ben Wishaw and Hugh D’Ancy are performing in a play called Pride in NYC and my new friend Jake Bauman went to see it.  He texted me during the interval that Hugh fucked Ben.  I knew what he was thinking.

I read the reviews.  The comment.  The predictable gay outrage because Ben won’t make his fucking mind up about what he is.  Good for him.

You know that I am writing this for you?  You know that after I finish writing this I will hear your voice and I will be complete?

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