Categories
Malibu

Rambla Pacifico Opens After 26 Years

Sadly, it’s a gated, private road…but it will make a heck of a difference to those of us who live up here on the mountain.

The new road cost nearly $5,000,000 for the 70 member association.

They worked tirelessly to make something wonderful happen.  It is now there.  It takes just a few moments to get to the PCH from my house.

Awesome feeling driving down it yesterday.

Categories
Malibu

Found Objects

I loathe art made of ‘found objects’ with the single exception of Kurt Schwitters.  If you don’t know who he is…look him up.

It is such a beautiful day here.  I am wandering around the garden in awe.

I have terrible pain in my body.  I know what it is.

I want to steal the chairs from next door.

I want the pain to end.  Have been plagued with memories of Jake.  Not least because I am writing the script about him.   The script is really good.  There’s a great deal of tension.

I know he has a boy friend he loves.  But I know he struggles with wanting sex with multiple partners.

I miss his beautiful face.

I am jealous that he is out there having a life.  I hope he is ok.  I miss him.  I want to cry.

I wish I were dead.

Robby came over this week and we almost had sex.  It was so erotic and sexy.

Categories
Rant

Still Crazy…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KM0EcbPjMI]

Would it be out of the question to wonder what comes next?  Even though I shouldn’t…I am here on the mountain…whiling my days away.  I have been writing like a mad man.  The novel, the screenplay…and this, my trusty old blog.

The euphoria I experienced for a couple of weeks is waning but I can still grasp hold of it…just.

I bumped into an old lover, somebody I had seen in 1996.   He was young then…he is still young.  He remembered that I had shown him around London, taken him home.  He remembered my scent.  Vetiver.

Had dinner at Gjelina last night.  Met friends on Abbot Kinney  for coffee after.  Skate for dinner.  We sat opposite Jackie Collins.  She looked great.

There’s a small business in Whitstable I would love to own.  I called the owner.  He didn’t want to sell…yet.

The weather is perfect.  The house is tidy.  My love life is boring me to tears.

I have a friend living downstairs in the guest house.  Anna arrives on Sunday.  Next month will be very busy…but for now I am just enjoying today.

Those disturbing images on television, in the newspapers, all over the net..of yet another thoughtless dictator being dragged screaming and bloody (so red) from the drains.  Shocking and ironic…after all, Gadaffi had made peace with the west to avoid such an ending.  He had seen Saddam‘s undignified capture and rather than avoiding it…his hubris caused the same.

What will be…will be.

So I danced around the garden listening to Evelyn ‘Champagne’ King‘s Shame!

I thought about ransacked golden palaces, tacky furniture, bad art.  Pale pink leather sofas.  Good riddance to bad taste.

Now we must turn our attention to Syria.  Route the cruel Bashar Assad immediately.  Tout de suite!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXD43jjG0jQ]

Categories
Rant

Shame

Everybody seems very excited by Steve McQueen‘s new movie Shame.  Apparently about sex addiction.  Let’s hope that he got it right.  Strangely this was the theme and title of my sex addiction memoir.

The one that JB and I were working on.

It got me to thinking about shame and how most people (some people) have done things that they are ashamed of, unwilling to admit to, unwilling to own.   Even my Christian aunt admitted an unspeakable horror (to her mind) from which she still reels.

That’s how organizations like the Scientologists enslave their members…by getting them to admit their darkest secrets then threatening them with unsightly revelations unless the game is played their way.

I know a sex addiction ‘therapist’ like that.  He knows a little bit too much about powerful people…and lives a good life on the back of their venal sin.

As I have mentioned before…gay people tend, once out, to jettison or rather speak more freely about subjects others may find taboo.  We must have always been like this…hence shame based organizations like the church…out lawed us.  If they can’t shame you into submission…well, what’s the point of your existence?

Gay people in the christian warrior church, the republican party and signing up for the super chic nazis.   I am being ironic.

I never really understood the appeal.

Anyhow, lets hope that the film Shame is good…and not sensational or stupid.  I think Steve is the kind of guy who can get this right.  The trailer is very worthy….very serious.

Sex conduct is a touchy theme…as we found out.

Categories
Gay Malibu

Two Tribes

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzARC9XfsHQ]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7HJTCvzLXQ]

I still feel…incredible.

Categories
Malibu

Peaceful Nights.

There was a moment this afternoon when, yet again, I felt totally at peace with who and where I was.  Not only did I feel as if I was inhabiting my own skin but I wanted for nothing.  That is a wonderful feeling.

As in any full life there are problems…but nothing that seems to steer me away from this feeling of being settled, peaceful and at one with the world.

I walked to the new road…it was wonderful…it’s nearly finished…not that I will ever drive on it.

I want to cuddle up with someone.  To share my bonhomie.

75 pages into the script.  It’s fucking brilliant…even if I say so myself.

Categories
art Rant

psychopath or artist?

Writing this film has been so cathartic.  Not least because I get to exorcise a life time of demons.  I also act out crimes of atrocious ferocity without ever once having to lift a gun or a knife.

What keeps me from murdering those who give me pains?

Well, for a start, I am not (much to your irritation) a psychopath.  A sociopath maybe…but even that is doubtful.

After all these years of not committing vicious crimes against humanity.

I’m not about to start now.

What stops me from commiting the vilest crimes?   The very worst of my vengeful nature?

Well, my dears, I am an artist.

When I made Clancy’s Kitchen (essentially a film about my wanting to kill and dismember a homophobe) when the prosthesis arrived…boxes of beautifully made hands, feet and other body parts…I thought to myself…good god…you really are one sick mother fucker.

Looking at the descriptions for both psychopath and sociopath…they are strikingly similar.  But what is more striking is that they describe perfectly…most Americans.

In particular those who work on Wall Street.

A blatant disregard for the well-being of others.  

Here are some other Wall Street traits…these could apply to most Hollywood talent managers…in fact…any American ‘agent’…talent, literary, real estate…

These sociopathic character defects are perceived as virtue and coping mechanisms on Wall Street or in Hollywood.

Here are some of my favorites:

  • Glibness and Superficial Charm
  • Manipulative and Conning
    They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
  • Grandiose Sense of Self
    Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.”
  • Pathological Lying
    Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
  • Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
    A deep-seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
  • Need for Stimulation
    Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
  • Callousness/Lack of Empathy
    Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
  • Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
    Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
  • Irresponsibility/Unreliability
    Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
  • Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
    Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
  • Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
    Tends to move around a lot or makes all-encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
  • Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
    Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
With Wall Street running things here…Goldman Sachs et al…and trying to run things everywhere else…the disregard and arrogance they have for those of us who have very little may be their undoing.
The 99%ers are storming the Palace of Versailles!  As I predicted here in this blog many months ago:
Here come the poor!  Here come the disenfranchised.  Like Zombies.
Here comes the change we can believe in.
They ain’t going anywhere.  Get used to it.
The rich in Britain were very canny, they gave away a little to keep a lot.   The establishment flourishes.  The Royal Family keeps its many palaces.
As crowns fell all over Europe, the British picked up fabulous jewels at bargain prices, abandoning their cousins to the guillotine, the Bolsheviks and worst of all…Scandinavian mediocrity.
Americans are too greedy to give a little to keep a lot.  They want it all.  The winner takes it all.
Just remember this Jamie Dimon/Lloyd Blankfein/Rupert Murdoch:  The French Revolution.
The French Royal Family had become so complacent, so arrogant…so rich…when they heard that the angry/hungry people were coming armed with pitchforks…they couldn’t close the gates to the magnificent Palace…the iron gates had rusted open.
The peasants just walked in…
Categories
Malibu

Full Moon

Scintillating few weeks.  I am happy.  Even though I shouldn’t be.  I have no idea what is keeping me so buoyant…not smoking, not eating wheat, full moon, going to AA meetings?  I really have no idea.

So many little things are giving me a great deal of pleasure.

The ripe figs I picked yesterday morning, the aubergine and tomatoes, the trips into Beverly Hills with Robby.  The California sunshine, the hot nights, the pool lights that I managed to fix so the water glistens at midnight.

This too will pass.

The weather has been gorgeous, the company stimulating.  The future a glorious mystery…the past not jumping up at me like a badly trained dog.

A great deal is going on…but my energy is being used creatively.  Will let you know asap.

Anyway, just as you all seem to think I have vanished…

Here I am.

Categories
Rant

700 Arrested

A charming, quiet week in Malibu with friends.  The weather has been spectacular since I arrived home from NYC.

Art Platform events all weekend.  Abbott Kinney on Saturday afternoon.  Sunday lunch with Fielder and Danny.  Grom ice cream at the Lumber Yard.

On our way downtown we saw the remnants of the LA Wall Street demonstration.

I bought a small work at the new LA Art Fair by a new artist called Ariel Evestingcol called Labor Plot.  A police officer is beating a man with a baton.  I bought it mostly to celebrate the Wall Street Demonstrations.  Which, I failed to mention in an earlier blog I had seen whilst I was in NYC.

Apparently my more elegant gay friends are not interested in supporting our brave comrades down town.  Perhaps if Taylor Lautner was manning the barricades with his shirt off they would join in?

My friend Zelko tells me that there are lesbians on the front line but no gay men.  One young gay man approached Zelko and asked him what he was doing there.  When Zelko told him that he was supporting the cause the 24-year-old countered that he finds the protesters ‘annoying’ for being loud, naked and stinky.  Zelko told him that those were the exact words that came to mind whenever he thought of a gay pride parade.   He asked him if he’d feel differently if the cause was gay rights.  No answer.

As I have been suggesting for some time, the laissez faire…let them eat cake attitude of both the government and the banks will breed dissatisfaction and insurrection.

Let the breaking of windows begin.

What is just (at the moment) an inarticulate expression of the frustrated, hopeless and disenfranchised will surely shape up into something more potent.  The more the police arrest, the unprovoked pepper spraying of innocent young women, the more like Syria it becomes.

I suspect that the government will tread very carefully around further arresting potential martyrs.

I salute the 700!  Being arrested in the USA has severe consequences.

The problem with this demonstration is the lack of articulated protest.  Nobody really knows how to change the system.  Nobody really knows what changes need to be made.  Nobody seems to use language familiar to European socialists.

Socialism may very well be terrifying to the very people who need to use this language the most.

A fair and equitable world.  The people no longer enslaved with crippling debt.  The rich paying a fair tax.  Human rights such as health care and a good education.  Illegal wars must stop.

These are not outrageous demands.

Those protesting in New York have been circulating a list of grievances, most of which are aimed at corporations that they say are too powerful and often unethical. Among the complaints: bank executives received “exorbitant” bonuses not long after receiving taxpayer bailouts and companies have “poisoned the food supply through negligence” and “continuously sought to strip employees of the right to negotiate better pay and safer working conditions.”

The demonstrators seem frightened at the prospect of issuing demands, formulating their own utopian dream and, as I have already said, using the language and heroes of socialist Europe.

Until these young people begin to make emphatic demands these sort of sophomoric sit-ins will not gain any traction.

The ‘haves and the have more’ will look down their noses at these youngsters.  They will exact their revenge unless these fledgling heroes whip up support all over the country, from Albuquerque to Alaska…harness the raw power of the unemployed and demand that their concerns are as relevant as those of the corporations and the banks.

We will see in good time just how effective these youngsters can be at making change, the very same change the wimp Obama promised us all when he spoke to the people…before he won the election.

How cynical his false promises were.

Last night I dreamt of you know who.  As vivid a dream I could not have imagined.

On a windswept street in Europe we talked about reconciliation.  He was wearing the protective armor of an american football player.

He said, “People can’t imagine what I saw in you.”  And I reply, “Well, you knew what you were getting yourself into.  Everything was out there.  Every defect revealed, written about…mocked.”

I have no idea what he saw in me.  I can only imagine that Anthony Patch from Fitzgerald’s Beautiful and the Damned, his great hero…may provide some answers.

In the dream he kissed a man in front of me and I remember thinking that I wanted him to be happy and free.  I remember thinking to myself…why am I fighting this stranger?   What if he triumphs?  Does it really matter?

He really is a better man than I could ever be.  A better liar, better at sex, better intellect, better looking.

I said to him in the dream, “I am sorry that I wasn’t what you thought I could be.  I wasn’t the rich, handsome, debonaire, literary hero you wanted so badly to rescue you from your dull wife.”

“I am so sorry I was too old and poor and fractured.  I am sorry that there was no huge house, no silk slippers, no deliverance from a mundane ‘virtual’ office job.  That is his role…not mine.  He will come and find you, he will take you home to his mansion, he will let you swim in his pool…he will love you like I could not love you.”

The reconciliation I dream about is as hopeless as the dream some of us have of a better USA.

Categories
Health

AA Birthday

As I embark on my 15th year of sobriety are things as I imagined they would be?

Well…they are as they are.

In God‘s perfect world there is nothing I can’t handle.

I have enough.

Enough is all I have.

What was it like before I got sober?  It was a daily, living hell.

This is the day I that I yearly recommit to sobriety and this is the day that forces me to take stock and move forward unburdened.

The day where I take a thorough inventory, both good and bad.

Some things need left behind.  You know what I am talking about.

Some things need embracing.

Life needs to be lived.

For all the love/health/death/aggravation of the past year…today I am strong and secure.  Today.

It seems that although forgiveness is key…it is a hard thing to swallow.

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