Going Home

There’s no easy way to say this but the cancer stuff is not turning out very well.   Irene will be pleased and so will Jake.  They can join the legions of others who wouldn’t mind watching me suffer..

I am going home.  There’s stuff here to sort out here.  Practical stuff.  It may take a few days.

Financially it couldn’t have happened at a worse time.

I heard the news this morning.

It’s odd how the news made my balls feel tender.  They began to talk to me.  Whine and complain.

You know who I wanted to tell first?  Well of course I did even though he wouldn’t have given a damn.

This is not great.

13 replies on “Going Home”

D, I cannot express in words how bad I feel for you, just know that’s nothing is the end of the road, you have many of us that care and send the good karma your way. Your not gonna die honey, your a survivor. Get mad, cry, then fight back, your someone who has touched us all, and thts what friends are for, lean on us. We love you and we got your back homey. Xxx

Duncan – It’s highly treatable – please try to rest easy, as difficult as that might seem at this time. USC for example and City of Hope in Duarte both have excellent outcomes for this particular cancer. Importantly, what is this saying to you? “Tears unshed causeth other organs to weep”. A man’s t-parts are highly vulnerable to insult. You, sir, have been gravely and multiply insulted recently in your native generosity. That having been said, I do think you are on the receiving end of a disproportionate share of bad behaviors – from malignant tenants to a lying, narcissistic boyfriend. However, you are not a victim and it’s not your fault. Perhaps it’s time to declare you’re mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. Just sayin’


I agree with everything everyone has said. And remember, even if a few malcontents are wishing you ill, as I’ve said, the universe always comes down on the side of healing and love. Their ill will can only drain them since it is SO unjustified. Just think of yourself as Teflon where negativity is concerned. As for positive prayer, when two or more are gathered together, the good is amplified exponentially. And we are gathered. And we are seeing you hale, hearty and whole. And loved. Our vision for you.

You showed us a picture of Jay and you said that he was too big for you now. But he was the one who was there for you in such a dark time. When you had your breakdown. Not many people would have done that, as you know. I’m sure that he’d be there for you now. Why don’t you reach out to him? Old friends are the best ones to have around in a time of crisis. I know that everyone will rally around you.

I’m so dreadfully sorry. I know how scared you must be. Remember that words have power. Please, please try to stay in a positive frame of mind. Your mind is so powerful. And so is your will. FIGHT! Sweet man. The best really is yet to come. In all great myths, the hero faces great danger and perhaps is wounded but with courage and fidelity, he heals and is even stronger and in the end, he finishes his quest. His dreams are fulfilled. So will yours be. So mote it be. BELIEVE IT.

Float on and soar.



so sorry to hear that Duncan, you’re in my prayers…sending healing energy and love your way…

at risk for having balls.. but here goes.

Dammit! Not fair.. not at all . Not even on on the map fair. Slap life in the face not fair. “That that makes us stonger” bullocks!!



There was a sports bar near me called “Balls”; it’s been renamed, but it always gave me a smile when I saw it. That and the bumper sticker about rugby players having leather ones. Putting up with us sometimes, you have brass ones. 😉 Long may they clang. 🙂 (And Duncan’s.)

And you’re right. It’s off the charts, unfair. My default position is relentless optimism for a lot of reasons but… damnably unfair, yes.



Dear Duncan,
how your blog first came to me, I really don’t know but it was on my computer. I read it with interest and read each day. I am a lady who has lived life to the full. Had a design studio in Soho for 26 years and had many wear and wonderful friends. All through that I kept my feet on the ground and remained satisfied and happy. My friends then are my friends today. What comes over in all your pages are that you are a very unhappy and unfulfilled man with a lot of bitterness in your heart. It is so awful that you have this illness but all these friends who you dont speak to and who dont speak to you and who you feel will be happy at this news, is just making your illness worse. Cancer is something on the inside. It grows from within and from hatred and bitterness.

If you want to get better quickly – as I am sure you will. Call all those people and make your peace. Forgive them in your heart and ask them to forgive you because you are not the easiest person in the world to be with. Make changes to you life and be grateful. You are a spoiled bratt. You have been put on this earth as a priviledged person and things have been easy. Too easy and thats why you take everything and everyone for granted. Give something away to someone who needs it.
Give a few quid to a passing old person who looks as though they need it. Give something to a young girl with a baby or a passing family who look like they are struggling. Give and you will recieve. Do something instead of running every poor sod – who comes into contact with you – down. I wish I could help you because you are not beyond help. Look at your friends who are dying off. All rich people. All fucked up. Look at Sebastian. I knew him well and told him the same. He didn’t like himself and that was his problem. He was on self destruct.

Let your next page be something like – “I met an old man at the hospital who had cancer. He was a soldier in the last war and lost a leg. He lives i a council flat on the 4th floor and survives on meals on wheels. I gavfe him £1000 to treat himself. He was so happy, so shocked and surprised and said that he felt like his cancer had vanished at that moment etc.” You will feel better by doing something like this instead of moaning and groaning about it. There are many people worse off than you who are suffering. Dont revel in it. Attack it and tell it to fuck off …. and it will. I am sending you healing thoughts and love because you don’t know me but I want you to get better. This is just a lesson. Take fromit what you will and move onwards and upwards.


Hang in there Duncan. Sending you loads of healing light and love. Get all the anger out and then put that aside and fight. Only be around love and kindness. Nothing else will do. Send Jake an Irene love and then let it all go. Be self-centered and concentrate on wellness, not bitterness. In Los Angeles, there are so many wonderful healers. I’m sure your circle knows a few and if they don’t, I’ll be happy to send you a few referrals. It’s a great way to get your mind right for the journey ahead. As a person that has had my own healing crisis, I found that alternative medicine, combined with western did wonders. And… my healing crisis was the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m healthier and happier than I have ever been. Keep the faith kiddo!

You’ll beat this. You’ve survived so much, you’re a fighter. I’ll be praying for you. Been away a couple days from your blog and only just saw.


I really appreciate a lot of what you’ve had to say, especially and Sebastian and about addiction in general. However, I don’t think that Duncan is a spoiled brat; petulant, he can be, sometimes, I think for the sake of being entertaining or sarcastic in the blog but a spoiled brat… no. And he hasn’t always been a privileged person. Far from it. His upbringing was a nightmare. And yes, now, he has what to a majority of people would be considered a privileged lifestyle and he does seem blind to that sometimes but he also, has written several times about the importance of gratitude and has published gratitude lists.

Duncan has said in the blog, that his sobriety has followed several stages, drugs and alcohol and then sexual sobriety, and that he is following the 12 Steps. They are as follows from Wikipedia:
These are the original Twelve Steps as published by Alcoholics Anonymous:[10]
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
You will note that Step 4. is about making a “searching and fearless moral inventory”, Steps 8 & 9 are about making an amends list and making those amends and Step 10 is about continuing to take a personal inventory and admitting errors. You asked Duncan to call those people with whom he is at odds and make peace which sounds great but sometimes with addition, bridges are burned pretty much beyond repair and those who have been burned, don’t want to hear amends. Which is their right. The saying about hatred being like taking poison and expecting the other person to die… some people would rather poison themselves than let go of resentment and anger. And I’m not talking about Duncan. As for Irene and Jake, one is trying to damage him financially, and the other went after him because of his fame. Hardly things that Duncan needs to make amends about. Granted, he may have poured gasoline on the fire but although impolitic, I can totally understand. I would be outraged and angry if either situation had occurred to me and he’s having to deal with both and a health scare.

And let’s face it. It’s really about feeling vulnerable and hurt. Knowing that you’ve done nothing wrong, as in the problem with renters who want to violate a contract, and then try and turn public opinion against you when they’re in the wrong, or feeling used and abused because your heart was used like a chew toy. If there’s a brat here, it’s Jake Bauman, not Duncan. And you don’t know what he does privately as far as being charitable or giving his time. He has mentioned that he has sponsored people since that is one of the tenets of AA, NA, GA, SAA, etc., the 12th Step. You have to give it away to keep it as they say.

I really don’t think that he is a bitter person. I do think that he has a lot of rage and anger that he hasn’t dealt with but part of the problem is that he was never allowed to feel that rage and anger and it was just stuffed down and repressed because he was helpless when he was being abused. Asking him to make nice when he is justifiably angry is another violation. He’s been numb a lot of his life and he needs to feel his feelings. Then, he can release them and move on. Then he can deal with the old anger issues. But only if he’s allowed to identify what he feels and honors those feelings.

I agree that he needs to stay positive and fight his illness. Not allow it to drag him down. And thanks for being a member of the broadcasters of love and healing.



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