You know what I’m doing? I’m going out! Started the evening feeling sorry myself. Fuck that.
I sent an SOS to Amanda that I may or may not need. But most of all, I am not going to be beaten by 5mm of something black on my balls. It’s not a death sentence. It’s black on the scan. I wonder what color it is in real life?
I’m listening to very loud music.
Old fashioned shit. I know. But I’m allowed to. I don’t have to answer to anybody.
I bought Jasper Conran‘s beautiful book Country. Packed with so many beautiful images. Try looking at THAT on a fucking kindle.
I cleaned the apartment. I sorted my papers. I totally forgot that I had to call the police station in London to deal with the iPod incident. Never mind. I would rather be in a cell than have this maggot growing inside me. It’s all relative. I read Michael’s brilliant script. After I finish writing this I will take the little dog to see the cats on Cherokee so he can squeal like a pig with excitement. Cat! Cat!
I have to submit my HLN idea. I received a lovely text message from an old lover in NYC who is eager to get together..balls or no balls.
Meeting Seb at SHLA at 11pm. Fuck this sitting around shit. I need solution! have I LEARNED nothing from all those years sitting in church halls and masonic lodges reading the recipe of the 12 steps?
Take action my friends! Get out of that shit relationship. Don’t be bowed by illness! Eat! If you feel lonely get out onto the streets! Don’t give in to the furies. TAKE ACTION.
December 21st, 2009-August 12th, 2010
Jake has been in my life..for months…for most of it was an acting out dream come true.
Oh I WILLINGLY gave up my sexual sober time.
We talked almost every day. Why trash those precious few months? For the time being I will celebrate the time we spent together. Although, sooner or later it will just feel…embarrassing.
In the long run it will mean far more to him than it will to me, Try as he might he will never be able to unstitch me from his story. I am, after all, the one who tore him out of the closet and in so doing rescued that poor girl from just one more day of deceit and lies.
I said to him on February 9th:
All I know is as the years pass this will weigh heavier on your mind and every time you look at J your girlfriend/wife/mother of your child you will know that there is a fundamental deceit.
If it is not me or the Hungarian it will be another man..and another and the outcome will always be the same.
One day you will meet a perfect man and then you will resent her, begin to hate her because it is not him…
I am the FUCKING HERO. Beautifully written…don’t you think?
And for all you guys and gals who have been shat on..here is a shitty, campy song for you to remind yourself that we can all laugh at how stupid we have been:
9 replies on “You Don’t Know What I Fear”
Ah, that last video is hilarious. Bravo to you, and love to you, Duncan.
hahahahahaha, theres the real you , wtg , and now im takin my happy ass to bed to go back to work on the most awful job ive ever seen. to paraphrase a song(dreadful as it is) you took my happy and i want it back, un do it!
Go Duncan go!!!
I love your blog. you make me feel human and less alone. All this shit fucking sucks. Life and love haven’t turned out the way I expected, but I have to accept it is the way it is supposed to be. Essentially we are all that child injured or celebrated so many reactions come from that place. Adult minds and logic must prevail, you’re not alone, you will be loved the way you need to be.
hi Duncan nice clips, I Ame glad to sense a bit of fire in you I was worried that you were a bit beaten down by everything. I know you received horrible news but you can handle it. you did not come this far by being weak you are a strong men and you will get threw this. I hope so that you are alright
sorry for my spelling I was a bit shaken
Good on you for taking action. Uh… what happened to Petula Clark and “Don’t Sleep In The Subway”? I wanted to gather my thoughts before responding but I saw the e-mail update of the new blog posting but now it’s retitled. Or did I like Alice wake up on the other side of the looking glass? Really like Petula Clark by the way. 🙂 <- Looked for it on YouTube. Got it. But there are other uploads. And it looks like you took the advice in "Downtown": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ltBFN3hL_c&feature=related 🙂
Warmest regards to the "old lover". Just the boost you needed. I'm so glad.
What's this about a Hungarian? What Hungarian? He was shuttling between you and another man even then? Before he'd left his girlfriend? So that makes him and the three of you? Yikes.
I'm glad that you got him to be honest about being gay. I think that that's the only thing that he's been honest about. I think he saw you as someone who would give him a soft place to land, no matter how badly he acted because he thought he could bullshit you the way he bullshitted her. (Guess he didn't count on Anthony.) Except that at least he didn't torture her with his "honesty" about being on the prowl to screw countless other men, my way or the highway. If he's an addict, as you say, then until he's sober, he's going have few if any truly honest moments. And he certainly won't be present with his partners. He might as well be jerking off in front of a computer. Of course the computer couldn't feed his ego.
I'm so sorry that he hurt you. You said that he was an agent and agent's can be quite the con men. That's con for confidence, as I'm sure you know. He gained your confidence with his blandishments but found that you weren't the easy pickings that he thought that you'd be. And you're right, he won't be able to pull away the thread of his experiences with you from the tapestry of his life. In your's, he'll be a muted few embroidery stiches that you soon won't notice. Quite forgettable.
In musical selection, I see that you went from wistful and defiant to grinning and giving the bird to those "I told you so" folks. Small town boy to diva/divo. Strut and strike a pose. 🙂 I rather like Wikipedia info about divi: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diva — except for the last sentence — and definitions 4 & 6 in the Urban Dictionary: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=diva. So, you.
Wow Marti Webb, there’s a blast from the past.Confession time: I am embarrased to say I had that album.
It was funny seeing it again, Have you ever noticed how many women still wear their hair like that?
I came to live in the USA when I worked for a large British/italian Company doing education and sales for their Hair Products. Doing Demonstrations I was often asked what brought me here to the states, I always replied ‘The hair Police sent me” it mostly fell on deaf ears.
“The Hair Police”… LMAO. Of course compared to the Madonna, Cyndi Lauper clones, she’s not all that bad… considering. And now the 60’s are coming back, thanks to “Mad Men”. While some of the clothes aren’t execrable, the early 60’s hair styles… Gad! Well, now, Thank God, no one has to walk in lock-step to trends and you can pick and choose, or ignore them altogether. Phew!