Anthony Has Left the Building

This morning I woke up and felt different. Something had happened. It was like waking up after a….catastrophe.

There was an ominous silence. Of course I knew immediately what had happened. Anthony had let off a huge bomb. Destruction all around. Now he was gone.

Anthony has left the building.

How did I know he had even been? I need look no further than these pages.

Oh well, God doing for me what I could not do for myself. Jake is dispensed with. Sad really as he was kinda sweet.

Anthony was right, the kid was not only too young, he is in a different league.

I am in SHLA waiting for inspiration.

Still have not made another appointment or even called the doctor. This entire cancer palaver has just polaxed me.

The Him episode. The cancer scare. The house. The money.

5am Friday.

Hunting around the house for a forgotten smoke. None to be found.

I spent the day yesterday in my apartment. It was brutally hot outside. In the evening I met J and J for a light snack then Will for dinner. Home and in bed before 12.

He and I have spoken nearly every day for the last 8 months. We have expunged every detail of our lives. Even though I cannot have him near me I miss the familiarity.

I made coffee and read over the emails I threatened to publish but they are simply too revealing. About us both! I am shocked by our behavior. The anatomy of a failed relationship. The ups and downs of my mad head and him emerging into the light.

He is indeed a fragile man. He is the first American that I ever really felt I knew. They speak English but they are not like us. They are just wired differently.

I am going to have to let this go. Really!

I found an email that I hadn’t read before. It was his penultimate email. It made a lot of sense.

This is what I think is going on: You are cutting me off because
you’ll take nothing if you can’t have it all I suppose it was naive
of me to believe that we could function as anything in between. You
are a perfectionist.

I wish I had read that email. I just had a lot on my mind. I didn’t read his penultimate 17 emails because I wanted to sort my head, my thinking, my feelings. He sent 17 emails.

Then he sent the final email, email 18 was the very one I decided to read and I couldn’t stop the anger.

I just needed that day, a little bit of solace. To know that he still cared. Like in the endless stream of emails when we first met. When he was wooing and seducing me.

Anyway. Anthony has left the building and at therapy today I shook with fury about addiction and Anthony and wished it wasn’t so…but it is.

Oh dear, he really let off an atom bomb. Oops. Sorry….

8 replies on “Anthony Has Left the Building”

Soemtimes things are the way they should be. It doesn’t mean there isn’t pain involved. You look inward more than most and that, my sweet, is a double edged sword. It’s odd to say this, since we are strangers, but, I learn a little bit about myself every time I read your blog. I use your journaey to poke around in my own dark places. Thank you for your honesty.

Sorry bout the atrocious spelling in the previous post. My boss, the fire breathing dragon, slithered by and I had to hurry.

“My boss, the fire breathing dragon, slithered by….” That’s so funny. And yikes. I hope that you have a friend named St. George to tame the beast. Or maybe someone’ll put a spell on him and he’ll turn into a prince. 🙂 One can only hope.


Beautiful boy on his wee car. Can’t help but feel motherly toward that boy and, sometimes, toward you. (Sorry Robb :)). I hope that you will get the biopsy done soon.


Anthony was right, Jake isn’t in your league. Not even close. He’s not sober and is a narcissist. Anti-freeze is kinda sweet too, but I wouldn’t recommend it as a cocktail. Sadly, until you really, really deal with your anger/rage issues which you only seemed to begin to have insights about during “Sex Rehab” — or at least that’s what you said — Anthony will feel compelled to come to your rescue and will bring along a bomb because that’s the only way he knows how to protect you. It’s like having kegs and kegs of black powder stowed away and one spark and the whole lot goes up. Except they refill themselves from the never-ending source of rage that’s roiling inside you. You’re brave enough to deal with this and I know that you know that it’s time. Time to drain the swamp, to mix my metaphors. So you can have roses and peace growing in your soul.

You said that THIS made a lot of sense, “This is what I think is going on: You are cutting me off because you’ll take nothing if you can’t have it all I suppose it was naive of me to believe that we could function as anything in between. You
are a perfectionist.” So in other words, he’s saying… you’ll take the scraps of time I deign to give you and the crumbs of care and concern that I throw to you after having a banquet with someone else if you want to be with me. If you don’t adhere to my terms, that makes you a perfectionist and an emotional vampire who sucks the life out of someone by wanting kindness, concern, fidelity and love. All of which you’ve expended in copious amounts. What a bunch of bullshit.

No wonder Anthony went nuclear. You wanted and thought that you were getting a relationship since someone took the trouble to woo you. He wanted a fuck buddy. A sugar daddy. A friend with damn few benefits. He saw that you were vulnerable and went in for the kill. And then he got bored. You are so well rid of him. And if it’s the last thing you do, get this through your mad head — it was him, NOT you. Anyone else would have been on their knees thanking God for sending them someone who was so handsome, sexy, kind, generous, talented and smart. Jesus Christ, Duncan. He’s not fragile. It’s an acting job. That’s what narcissist’s do. They shape their act to hook their target. And after they’ve left devastation in their wake, their victims feel sorry for THEM because the poor things are so shattered by all the emotional fallout… THAT THEY CAUSED! Stop making excuses for him! You were vulnerable and he took advantage of that. He’s a predator. Remember what you said about understanding why she doesn’t want anything to do with him. Stop blaming yourself. You’re human. You get to be human. And you deserve so much better.

Maybe in the fullness of time, when you write the second volume of your memoirs, you’ll publish those e-mails. The truth is the truth after all.

You look so sweet in that picture. And so happy. Precious. That little boy is a treasure. Please safeguard him. Only play with people who will be loving and kind. That’s what you both deserve. Someone who plays nice and who knows how to love.



‘ someone who plays nice and who knows how to love”.. could not have said it better. Amanda.. you gots alot going on in there! brava.

im kinda of the opinion hes just a asshole, the kind with purdy eyes and a charmin smile who fuck u over then you go on and meet some one way more ..oy vey i think thats my history. D, he was very cute but not even close , totally ammoral and no manners to boot. Shame on had a wee brain fart, move on hon.

Jake wasn’t the right person;
ISSUES in spades.

He’s immature,
just coming out and
only got the courage to begin living honestly VERY recently,
(not coincidentally, after connecting with Duncan.)

That doesn’t mean genuine attraction & feelings weren’t involved.

Duncan may have been vulnerable, but he’s no idiot.

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