Empty Hook

Calm seas.  Usual Suspects.  Malibu today.  Beginning to take things back there.  Who am I writing this blog for?  210,000 unique hits.  Probably more now.

The smell of burned coffee in the apartment.  Can’t wait to leave this place.

Maybe not so calm.  When I write this I start riling myself up.  Even when things feel good.  It isn’t delivering the peace I used to feel when I used to write it.

It used to be fun to blog but that was before it became an ‘issue’ with him.

I never understood how he could hate it so much?  I’m sure that he hates it now..this blog.  Why shouldn’t he?  As he retreats and I am left up on the mountainside in the ark.  The sea retreating, leaving the ark on the side of the mountain.  No dove of peace just a little dog.

Michael told me stuff yesterday that I didn’t feel like listening.  Would I rather be right or happy?  In essence that is what he was saying.

Sunday morning.  Helicopters already circling over head.

I think it’s going to be hot today.  Hot and dry.

Jennie stopped writing her blog.   Perhaps I should stop writing mine.  It used to be cathartic.  I used to enjoy the validation but of late it feels like all I do is fight the demons..even when there are none.

Deconstructing the apartment.  Stacking the art that needs to be sold and I still have more art to hang on every single empty hook.  How could one man have amassed so much?

Lunch date tomorrow.  Is my heart going to be engaged?  Can I be bothered?  I seem to know the outcome before I even get there.  The script is already written.

There are more creative ways to start the day than indulgently publishing my diary.

New renters arrive today.  The penultimate batch before I move back in.

I had a lovely time last night.  Dinner with Jane.  Duck salad at the Mercantile. The duck was a little over cooked.  The little dog ignored the morsel I left for him.

Going to get into the truck and go in minute.  Shorts and tee.  Little dog.  Coffee burned in the pan.

Reading World War Z.  It’s about Zombies.

There are more than two positions to take.  Happy or sad?  I am just here..with more than enough, consoled by faith.   Can you believe that I just dragged an almost complete stranger around Europe?


11 replies on “Empty Hook”

You are dealing with so much, do not make any decisions about your blog yet.I would really miss reading your blog, but Duncan, whatever makes you happy, makes me happy.
Yeah you kinda did take him to Europe, you thought he would be grateful for that experience, YOU would have been greateful I would have been grateful, but he is very immature. One day he will look back and say ‘that was a great time in my life, and I blew it”.
I suspect he hates the blog so much because you outed him in more ways than one. Now when he meets people, many of them them will steer clear of the selfish little fu**wad.
Onward and upward, more power to you and none to Jake Baumann.


Right on, sister. I think that I recapitulated a lot of your points since I wrote first, and read everyone else, after, Oh, wel…. 😉



life can be so simple just look at little dog he knows how to live, just return to your true self and the answers will come. this is the time that everything revolves around you, only you don’t think about the others you are what’s most important not the futility’s of every day life, it is not about Jake or Irene this is about you this is a crucial time of your live like when you quit your addictions if you can beat the coke you can beat this just don’t get distracted


What flood were you running from when you retreated with him in your metaphorical ark? Water is associated with emotion in dreams and in art. What emotional deluge were you anticipating? Just thought that I’d point that out. It’s your metaphor. And if you’re left high on the mountain… well it’s a great place to get some perspective. Plus, who knows if that dove of peace isn’t winging it’s way back to you? Plus, you’ve got a lot to be justifiably angry about, Duncan. The “relationship”, the financial issues that you’ve hinted about, the health scare. An, in the middle of all this, you’ve got to move. Whether you’d planned it or not, a move is in the top five on the stress list. And you just hit a major milestone birthday. (Hale and happy, you’ll have many more. So mote it be.) Give yourself a break.

I read a book that wrote emotion like this, e-motion. E as in the symbol for energy. Our feelings should be energy in motion. But you sit on a lot of stuff, dude. And you’ve got a nuclear arsenal of rage stored in your subconscious from your abuse which is why, when you’ve been emotionally violated or you’re getting abuse from some malcontent, Anthony can push the launch button and the nuclear missiles rain down. You’re not feeling peaceful because you have a lot of stuff to not feel peaceful about. A couple of people have mentioned meditation but you never said if you took it up or not. Meditating is like having a storm shelter where you can put yourself, so that even in the midst of a hurricane, you can feel calm, which is what you say that you want. Then you don’t react from a place of emotional turmoil but you can act deliberately after considering all your options. You still have to feel your feelings but it gives you a respite.

And maybe you need to feel whatever is coming up. In this culture of instantaneous gratification and quick fixes, we don’t want to feel any “bad” emotions but they’re there to help us. To tell us when our boundaries are about to be/have been violated and our feelings will be/have been hurt. To warn us that we’re about to do or have done something that is against our personal ethics. Some shame is a warning that we’ve screwed up. Some is cultural crap that we need to excavate and toss out with the rubbish. You decide. You’ve been numb for a long time in some ways and as you know when a limb comes awake after it’s gone numb, it’s not all that pleasant until the circulation is restored everywhere. Plus, if your trip was meant to give you some perspective, looking back on your life, it seems that all it’s given you is heartburn. So, now, in solitude — which isn’t a bad thing, really — you can reflect without distraction.

You said “It used to be fun to blog but that was before it became an ‘issue’ with him.” Don’t let him spoil this for you. I believe Jennie quit because she felt that she’d shared what she wanted to share and gotten all the feedback that she could use. (Incidentally, didn’t she start because of you and your blog?) She also was overwhelmed with other projects like school. So, if you feel that you’ll work on your screenplay or other writing projects if you’re not spending energy on this blog, by all means, stop. Or just on your computer, write a journal. Just for you. To get stuff out. To make sense, in concrete words, of what you’ve experienced and are feeling. But if you’re just contemplating quitting because he’s tainted the experience… well, rid yourself of that poison with every word. Say “Fuck you, Jake Bauman.” with every single syllable that you share. We’re with you one way or the other. And we’ll surely miss sharing your journey. It’s one hell of a ride. Happy, wickedly funny, scary, sad, but always illuminating. Thank you for sharing you with us.

I will keep a good thought about your lunch tomorrow. Whatever it pertains to. Tomorrow isn’t written yet. Who knows what the tides will bring in?

As for dragging an almost complete stranger around Europe… yes, I can believe it. You wanted a distraction from… ? That’s what he was. A distraction.

As for happy or sad, it seems like you might be emotionally spent. And you’re judging yourself. What happened, happened. You’re in the present. Stop looking backward. Don’t catastrohize the future. I think the eye of the storm was when you first got back and were dangerously calm, and then all hell broke loose. Now the rest of the storm has blown through. Just be very gentle with yourself. Allow your feelings to wash through you without judgment. You’ve been judged and judged yourself enough in your life. Feel your feelings, Duncan. For so long, you couldn’t allow yourself to feel but now you can. The only healthy way through is to feel them. And that’s your quest. To be healthy. To be the best soulmate you can possibly be.

And remember, this is not a maleficent universe. You know this. All the good reaches out to you. It’s helped you survive. Get sober. Faith is your consolation. And it IS rewarded. You will be where you’re meant to be. Doing what you’re meant to be doing. And your soulmate is waiting. And we’re praying for you. *Metal Rabbit, with permission, gives Duncan a big bear hug.*



P.S. About faith. In the Bible there are parables about faith the size of a mustard seed and how God takes care of the sparrows and clothes the lilies in the field. Beautiful metaphors. Here’s a funny one: Tiny, tiny spiders when they’ve left their egg casing climb up on a blade of grass or a leaf and from the spinnerets under their bellies, they start to spin a silk thread. Then they stick their asses up in the air so the wind catches the thread and they’re taken to wherever the wind drops them off. No steering, head down, butt in the air. Talk about trust. I hope that the visual made you laugh. 🙂


Thanks. (((Hugs)))

Me. Only child. Father, Portuguese, Army MP. Mother, German/Irish, Army nurse. Mustered out before I was 1 year old. Ignored and alone a lot as a kid. 2 functional (Ha!) college educated, alcoholic parents who left their library books around for me to read. Was reading Fromm in high school. Wanted to understand how people tick. What makes what the Confucians would call a “noble” person. Where I fit. Where my tribe is. When I had to let go of things, I was holding on so tight, there weren’t just claw marks in them, my fingers had to get broken. And I lost some teeth. I can be a Fierce Rabbit. (Love “The Velveteen Rabbit”.)
There’s a metaphor for the cycles of transformation that we all go through with ideas, projects, life, that uses the life cycle of the butterfly: egg -> caterpillar -> chrysalis -> butterfly. It’s a repeating cycle. I think that I’m back to chrysalis. LOL I’m kind of in holding pattern. But it gives me time to think. A lot. And I’ve always been a bleeding heart and proud of it. And I still make dumb. dumb, mistakes. I’m a work in progress. And of course, I am a relentless optimist.
I trust because I don’t know any other way to live and keep my sanity. Some things you just know in your heart and soul, sometimes when even external, worldly evidence seems to be determined to give you the horse laugh. You just know.



Here’s to the courage to survive the ” horse” laff.
Intrigued by those who do it with compassion, humility, and curiosity.

You go Amanda!

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