I am a Sinner

Dawn Mailbu


The dawn.  Oyster pink.  The santa ana blows.  All night.  Fires burn onto the PCH.  Miles from here.  Red flag warning.  The strawberries are burning.  That’s what they say.

The house shook, the dogs startled.  In the morning I see that a tree gently fell over.

Could it be possible that I am writing fiction?  The devil is in the detail.

It’s the question du jour.

Am I telling the truth?  Did the tree really fall?

The inside of my mouth is burning.  ‘You can’t get rid of me that easily.’ he said.


I can.

He lay quietly in my bed. Tangled in the white linen sheets.

Yesterday or twenty years ago?  Or… never?

The maid remade the bed.  She sews buttons onto my coat.  You know, the buttons that nobody ever keeps.

‘Why do you push everyone who cares about you away?’ he asks.

You don’t care about me.  You’re just keeping your enemy closer. Do you think I’m a fool?

There ain’t no fool like an old fool.

I used to write these words for you.  Even when I wasn’t allowed.  I would let you know.  Even if you didn’t care.  Now, I don’t care.  Out there.  Dressed.  Undressed.  On your back.  Grunting like a pig.

There was a moment when I knew that everything would be ok.  Don’t ask me how.  Don’t ask me why.

The dawn chorus.  There was stag on the drive.  We looked at each other.  His antlers sprayed, pale gray flock.  I knew what he was up to.

Eating my tomatoes.

I didn’t close the gate.

It’s my fault.


The boy at the expensive coffee shop.  He told me that I was a sinner.  “It’s OK”, he reassured me.  “We are all sinners.  Your sin is no worse than my sin.”

Is that what I have to believe from the crazy Christian at the coffee shop?  I am, therefore I sin?


They don’t give a damn.  The gays.  They’ll be voting Republican as soon as the Democrats get them what they want.

Tom said, even though he doesn’t have any female friends, that Islam ‘refuses to grow up’.  Modernize.  He uses women as an example.

“They wear sheets.”  He mocks.

Yet, the Hasidic women not a mile from where he lives cannot grow their own hair, forced to wear modest clothing.

He is blind to all of that.

The sublimation of women by some Christians, some Muslims and some Jews… yes.  He can’t make the connection.

He said, “All Muslims should be killed.”  That’s what he said.

Yet, he goes to China where they stun the Falun Gong like pigs and harvest their organs while they are still alive.   Yes, they do.

He doesn’t have any female friends because they don’t ‘mesh with his lifestyle’.

Yes.  That’s what he said.


Crazy Christian/Muslim/Jewish Monsters

Just a quick note about the repeal of DADT:

This gay male ain’t impressed. Like everything Obama does the goodwill gets lost in the detail.

I am not holding my breath for better treatment for gays in the military.

Of course DADT was absurd but repealing it does nothing when you get to thinking about the real and immediate problem for gay men and women in the USA:   The Christian Right hates us (along with the devout Muslim and the Orthodox Jew)  and would like us to self destruct in a cloud of holy vapor.

With the advent of fascist Palin and her ilk…who intellectuals love to laugh at as the German intellectuals did at Hitler…laws like this can be very easily repealed.  For Goodness sake, they are already discussing separate dorms for gays!

Now, let’s start talking about the real issue: legal parity, matrimonial parity and stop gawping over the death of a ridiculous law that affected a tiny number of men and women compared to DOMA which affects us all.

There’s something else, something I always forget to write:

The gays and the lesbians ain’t going anywhere.

We ain’t asking and you ain’t telling.

You murderous, repellent christian/muslim/jewish folks can kill every black man, every white man, every asian, every jew, every muslim, every christian, every aboriginal…but as long as there are humans on the earth we will be there too.

Get used to it!  Get fucking used to it!

We are your children and your grand children.  You can hunt us down and kill every one of us but tomorrow another gay will be born.

It is God’s Will you crazy Christian/Muslim/Jewish’s God’s fucking will.

As for the gays…

Parity, unity and now.

Get off your fat, lazy, complacent asses gay America and start breaking windows until you achieve equality.   Stop relying on bloated lawyers to fight unwinnable cases.  Do SOMETHING!!!  Do it NOW!!!

I know you won’t.  There’s a boy you’ve seen on Manhunt..a martini waiting for you at the bar…weights to lift at the gym.

I live in the USA. I am appalled by the lack of political initiative that gay people take or are engaged in.

Frankly this DADT repeal is small cheese.   American gay and lesbian equality is leagues behind the rest of the developed world because they refuse to engage in direct action.   They refuse to seen to have an opinion…refuse to fight in any meaningful way and, just as Obama attempted to engage with the Christian right with his ill fated consensus politics..reaching out to his adversary, the gays have their agenda prescribed by their homophobic enemies rather than doing what government hates most: insurrection.

Governments hate their own people on the street demanding to be heard.

Gay men especially still live in a great deal of  fear.

Look at the way radical British gay human rights activist Peter Tatchell fought hard and visibly for all to see, worked in tandem with Stonewall lobby type groups and allowed the oppressed a voice in the streets.

In America we are regularly stoned, beaten, insulted and killed.  It is time to fight back, it is time to be heard and a smidgeon of compassion is simply not good enough.