Ding Dong The Witch is Dead

Like many other folk here in the USA we danced and hollered at the news. Ding Dong The Witch is Dead. America prevails. The President is not a wimp. Yes we can. Osama Bin Laden is DEAD.  We made a video and posted it on YouTube. We Twittered, we Facebooked, we blogged, we shared our opinions and danced on virtual streets with the world throng.

Look at them singing outside The White House and Ground Zero assuring Obama of his second term.  Perhaps this will indeed galvanise the people, make the bank lend the money they have been hoarding, reduce the cost of petroleum, increase personal spending, reduce the unemployment rate, etc.  I very much doubt it.

Did I care? Did it really make me happy? Do I believe that Osama Bin Laden did the original deed? Am I a conspiracy theorist? Is that really him with a bullet in the eye?  I am trying hard to care.  I am trying very hard.

As for the weekend? Another very social affair. Visiting successful grown ups in their grown up houses with their gorgeous children. Walks on the beach. Two incredibly successful directors have moved here from London to direct studio films. Intelligent, sweet-natured and generous. Lunch at my house with Karim, Peggy and Alexi. We sat in the sun and ate grilled New York steaks and a huge, yummy salad…a sort of hybrid Greek/Nicoise concoction with feta and egg and a gorgeous honey dressing.  I am getting more ambitious with flavor combinations. Less of a stick in the mud.

Went to an AA meeting on Sunday night. The speaker was very good, he reminded me of that moment early in sobriety when I knew instinctively that everything was going to be ok.  14 years ago, for the first time in decades, I felt the soft wind on my face.

My first AA meeting ever was at the Terrance Higgins Trust in West London. I walked into a mad house yet I knew, deep down, that I had run out of options.  From that moment on I loved being sober. I loved being born again. I loved my tribe.  I didn’t want to know any of them after the meeting and that is how it remains to this day: I love them collectively, I loathe them individually.

I remember seeing the 12 Steps posted on the wall of that badly lit room for the first time and I was excited. I may have had better shoes but I knew in my heart that these scruffy addicts/alcoholics were my people.  I saw the word GOD writ large and I embraced him. Like a joyful reunion. Like seeing an old, old friend after many, many years.  In those first few minutes at my first meeting I understood what I had been missing. A God of my understanding. Something spiritually tangible with which I could refill the God shaped hole that had lain empty since I stopped singing hymns in St. Alphage church.  The very same hole I had filled with drugs and alcohol, sex and love, anger and intensity.

Now, in sobriety, I am dealing with grief. I don’t mean with or for him but he certainly opened the door on what I now need to take seriously. It is shaming to admit but I have a huge amount of grief for what could have been. It makes me sad to see what was stolen. Again, not by him.  I am also coming to terms with what being sexually sober actually means. Coming to terms with the gift I was given when I met him…so that I might truly understand how I should proceed.  Yet, having said that I still don’t want to forgive him. I want to… then I don’t want to.  He deserves to be forgiven. I am just not ready. Perhaps when I see him at the end of the month in court?  What happened to me after Sex Rehab is very similar to what happens to drug addicts when they leave regular rehab. They relapse but taking drugs is never the same again. Drinking is never the same once you understand why you have been drinking and is ruined forever. I relapsed on him.

I may never be sane or healthy enough to have the sort of relationship that I desire but at least I know why. By feeling everything I felt for him good and bad at least I know the parameters of where my addiction will take me and act accordingly.

These are good days. These days are good.

There are many, many snakes in the garden. On Saturday I saw a Garter Snake on the terrace. See above.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqjFN-982oE&feature=share]