Saturday Morning

You may have noticed, those of you who read this blog regularly, that I am slowly winding down.

Keeping the blog has been interesting but I think it may be time to let it go.

I won’t take it down completely but as I enter this next chapter of my life I may just post as and when I feel like there is something really important to tell you.  When we start truly making the film for instance or like next Wednesday when I fly off and face the music.

I committed to this blog as I have committed to anything…well, it’s not really a commitment.  It’s a compulsion.  I do everything I do compulsively.

It has closed as many doors as it has opened.  I met him.  The door opened, the door slammed shut.  It has without doubt scared people.   It has amused people.  I have reconnected to past loves, old enemies and shared with you all the most intimate moments of my life since Sex Rehab.

Much has changed.

I can sit here and beat myself up…or you, if you get in my way or piss me off.  I could continue doing that but there is no allure, no.

It’s hard to articulate what is happening to me at the moment.  A single man with no real idea of how to change that.  Stuck in CA or not?   Money in the bank.  Food on the table.  Dogs on my lap.

I have been going to my meetings.  There, returned to my family.  The family of men and woman I chose above and beyond my flesh and blood.  Open arms to greet me.  I crawled back into those meetings the walking wounded but, within hours, the promises made to me when I first entered those rooms felt achievable once again.

It is none of my business what you think of me.

All I really want, all I have ever wanted is peace of mind.  It’s really that simple.  I have no other ambition.

I don’t want to grow up.  I really don’t.  I want to be a kid…forever.

I understand that you cannot fix me.  That you cannot save me.  That you cannot pay my bills or wipe away my tears.  All you can do, all you have ever done for me is hold out your hand when darkness falls, as I tread each treacherous step and know that you are there.

That everything is just the way it is meant to be.

I am responsible.  I am able.  I am ok.   I am on my own for a reason.  I have faith.