I think that it’s best that I don’t write about relationships. It tends, as so many people read this blog, to upset the very people I love most.
So we must bid adieu to the continuing adventures of Lamb Head and the 18th Century Man. We must set aside our interest in the comings and goings of my complicated love life and concentrate on politics, goats and all things beyond my immediate inner circle.
So, let’s talk about George Rekers.
You know, well most of you do who read this blog regularly, that I am all about individual choice. Particularly, the choice to determine our own sexuality and how we choose to describe it. Sadly, there are so few words to describe the extraordinary range of sexual choices on offer to the average man/woman.
And, of course, we all tell so many lies about our sexuality. Let’s put it this way, most of the men I know who describe themselves as straight have had their fingers in the gay honey pot. I have no reason to doubt their description of their sexuality so why don’t they just celebrate their sexual diversity?
Well, we all know just how narrow-minded people get when they are asked to describe themselves sexually, mainly from fear of how they will be treated by their peers. The gays are all too willing to accept anyone who has occasional same-sex relations into their gay camp and the straights are just as eager to throw that same anyone out of their frat house.
If George Rekers wants an erotic massage from a rent boy does this make him gay? If a man drinks to excess does this make him an alcoholic? The answer to both of these questions has to be NO.
As I have said many, many times before: we live in sexually prescriptive times. It is not up to me to tell you that you are either gay (or an alcoholic) it is up to you to make that choice and deal with the consequences.
It has to be up to the individual to decide what he is and how best to describe himself. If you are a man who loves men and their bodies and all things homosexual would the word gay properly describe what you are?
If I had another choice of word rather than gay to describe myself would I? YES. This is not about me being a self hater, this is about me feeling like I am a bit too old to be gay, a bit too sober, too few sexual partners, a vague interest in the gym and not in tune with the collective who describe themselves as gay.
Just as I now no longer call myself an alcoholic preferring to call myself a sex addict. It best describes the specific disease of addiction from which I am in recovery.
Of course I find George Rekers despicable, not because he vacations with pretty rent boys or refuses to be associated with the gay word but because he so virulently attacks the unalienable rights of others. He makes life uncomfortable for those who choose to describe themselves as gay. He peddles hatred and disinformation.
He has been described as a hypocrite. Does the fact that he likes erotic massage make him a hypocrite? No. If he were living with his husband and children in suburban Tallahassee and telling others that they shouldn’t now that would be hypocritical.
I’m not sure that he is gay. Is he? He’s certainly not living a life I would describe as gay. He is probably just desirous of erotic massage.
Being gay is surely not simply about sex? Is it?
Are we doing ourselves a disservice calling George Rekers gay? By claiming this man as one of our own are we throwing the net too wide?
After I was on Sex Rehab somebody wrote to me telling me that if ‘Duncan Roy doesn’t like sex with men then he isn’t gay’.
I felt rather reassured by this. It was a complex accusation and one that I had oft considered myself. Am I gay if I don’t like sex with men? Am I gay if I believe in monogamy? Am I gay if I don’t drink or take drugs or, and I expect to be hounded for saying this, if I am not HIV positive?
Very recently I HAVE started to like sex with men-well one man who I no longer have sex with. I still don’t like the word gay.
So, George Rekers vacations with rent boys. Elena Kagan looks like a lesbian but is she? And, in the UK the Liberals and the Conservatives and making a very big bed to share after the inconclusive general election.
4 replies on “Dog in the Manger”
Don’t you think your making too much of a statement about the word gay? I dosent have to mean young, fit, party… It’s is just the word gay! I don’t go to the gym I live with my wonderful partner I party with friends but I consider myself as gay and am proud of who I am. Living in a world withought lables would be excelent… But there are some lables that make you stronger with life. Just my opinion… But that’s what makes each of us special… Or opinions… Honoring each of them. 😉 sjg
if you dont like the word come up with a new one! you dont have to think of your self as “gay”, as long as you know who you are, i guess thats what matters when you or the guy with the lovely hair tucks you in at night. I personally just think of you as D, the guy who writes some really intresting blogs, which i read, because it makes me think, and care about things. And for that, thanks again.
and some labels that people give you in life limit you, or maybe you depend on them to define who you are..when in reality, its just that..a label, tomato soup is tomato soup when you peel off the label, cant change what it is.
Duncan,
I would be the first to say that you have a right to your privacy and personal psychic space. However, I worry that after being so open about everything and saying that one of the things that made you feel so uneasy about your previous relationship with Lamb Head is that you had to keep from talking about it, that you now feel that you have to censor yourself. For someone who has been and is, generally, so forthright, it’s worrisome.
Moving on…. I agree that “Sadly, there are so few words to describe the extraordinary range of sexual choices on offer to the average man/woman.” But then… “If George Rekers wants an erotic massage from a rent boy does this make him gay? If a man drinks to excess does this make him an alcoholic?” My answer would be POSSIBLY. As I said before, I think that as in most things, sexual preference is pretty fairly represented by a bell shaped curve. On either end are those who could never, ever imagine sex with someone of the opposite gender if they consider themselves gay or lesbian or those, who could never, ever imagine sex with someone of the same gender if they consider themselves straight. The rest are in the middle and if cultural programming didn’t get in the way, I think that there would be more fluidity of preference than we already see or at least than is acknowledged.
Is Rekers gay? I think what matters is what he would say about someone who chooses to have erotic massages, not from a woman, but from a man. Massages that are supposed to elicit a sexual response. Again, from a man being touched by a man, not a woman. I think that he would say that that person is gay. Following from that, he is a hypocrite, a homophobe, and a self-loathing hate monger. To those who would discriminate and separate some from the human family to which we all belong, being gay IS simply about sex. That’s the sad reality. And since when this crap hits the fan, there’s usually revelations that there have been other “indiscretions”, somehow I doubt that this is the first time that there have been male escorts or erotic massages. It’s just the first time that it’s come to the attention of the media. Although I could be wrong. If he’d had more experience in flying under the radar, you’d think that he’d be able to come up with a better scenario than that the guy was helping him with his luggage. The guy that he just happened to choose to help him with his luggage from Rentboy.com. Stunningly lame.
As for gays wanting to include him under the gay umbrella…. I just wish that we could just all be included under the umbrella of the human family. If it isn’t just about what gender you identify with and what gender you have sex with — and it shouldn’t be — then what separates us from each other? Being married, having children, sports, hunting, sewing, knitting, cooking, art, what? Or should anything? Why is our need to feel special and valued, so overriding that we identify with one group only in opposition to another? Why can’t we celebrate our gifts and value our differences but be in community with each other? Why is it always either/or? Why can’t it be both/and? Win/Win? I live in hope.
As for you having not liked sex with men, therefore not being gay…, you didn’t really have conscious sex with anyone. Your body was numbed out and you disassociated mentally. And now that you’re in your body and emotionally and mentally awake, who says you have to self identify? If you have to label yourself to be accepted by anyone, maybe they’re the ones who need to do some self reflection. Maybe you need to start a new group. I’m just saying.
As for the UK, I’m not a citizen or a denizen, so my fat’s not in the fire. Good luck, dude. Sounds like ya’ll are going to need it. 😉
Blessings,
Amanda
Hey Duncan…
I’m fine with giving Rekers autonomy to identify as he wishes, including straight with the twist that he appreciates the male form and limited touch mostly free of explicit sex.
I’ve had enough first-person contact with the ex-gay world, though, to know that they are leading the charge to keep men from getting close to each other. A guy participating in an ex-gay group, who also appreciates a few gay friends because they are more emotionally available to him, will be told to drop them. A guy who is comfortably celibate or hetero, and also comfortable noting male beauty, will be told to cut it out. Same goes if he and a straight buddy are good with physical closeness or trading non-sexual massages.
Ex-gay leaders teach that gayness is comparable to addiction. Any tiny appreciation of men, any authentic friendship with gay men, is considered a trigger, the first step on a slippery slope to evil gay sex.
Kudos to Rekers if he found an authentic in-between where he was both straight and unconflicted about appreciating male beauty and touch. That sounds like healthy critical thinking in action.
As far as I’m concerned, he’s earned every consequence he gotten, though, by inciting fear of gays instead of promoting his personal, more nuanced, critical thinking.
He wasn’t testifying in Florida and Arkansas courts that gay men can be great parents as long as they marry women and meet their male-intimacy needs via non-sexual massage. He was testifying that gays and lesbians are defective parents, while leading a movement which teaches self-shame.
Take care…