Paula Dubois, Kristian Digby‘s Mother, outrageously threatened to disrupt the Memorial Service to be held for hundreds of her wonderful son’s friends and family next week at Southwark Cathedral.
As a result the cathedral will no longer hold the service.
The indignity of it all, that the love he had for so many and they for him could not be felt by his own mother.
The news infuriated me. It totally ruined my day. That this so called ‘mother’ who bore such a beautiful, kind-hearted boy seems so determined to destroy any attempt his friends have of getting together and remembering him.
I am confused. I am sad. Mostly I am angry.
I killed a snake this week, a five foot rattle snake in my garden. I chopped it’s head off with a shovel. I felt bad doing it. Terrible. This beautiful serpent that had as much right as I did to live in my garden. In my canyon.
I will write more about it tomorrow but in the mean time here is a picture to whet your appetite.
The beautiful boy/man remains sleeping in my bed but he is off to Italy on Tuesday for two weeks and so that I might not feel any pain (the pain of separation is the worst) my head is already elsewhere. We had dinner with his best friend last night which I always hankered to do with NYC man but never did.
I was so nervous.
The Spanish restaurant where we had dinner was expensive and ghastly.
29 replies on “Kristian Digby Memorial Cancelled”
Duncan,
I’m so sorry about the continuing tragedy surrounding Kristian Digby’s death. I’m sorry for your pain and anger. I can’t believe that one cold-hearted woman — where is his dad in all this — is seemingly so hell bent on taking ownership of his memory that she banned people from his funeral and now is trying to prevent a memorial service. Mostly, I can’t believe that a church would kowtow to her.
You wrote “Southark” but I’m assuming that you meant Southwark? I tried to look up “Southark” but the only thing that came up was Southwark Cathedral. And in the spirit of lighting one candle and starting a blaze… here’s the contact info for them: Southwark Cathedral, London Bridge, London, SE1 9DA, Tel: 020 7367 6700, Fax: 020 7367 6725, Email: [email protected]. Dean: The Very Reverend Colin Slee, Tel: 020 7367 6731.
I think that all of Kristian’s friends and well wishers from this blog in the US, the UK and elsewhere, should contact the cathedral and express their disgust that they have been cowed into not holding a service for hundreds of people — by one miserable woman. She does NOT own the rights to his legacy, despite her grandiose opinion of herself. Make your voices heard, people.
As for the rattler. You did what you thought was best at the time to protect the little dog. And you honored the snake by using it for food. (Five feet… it must have been rather old. Did you count the rattles?) In the future, you can contact @rattlesnakeguy and maybe just get the critter relocated.
I’m sorry that your 18th Century Man is going to be leaving for a while. I hope that you can keep your equilibrium. I know that you’ve got the steps, your sponsor and your Higher Power. I’m sorry for your tender heart but maybe instead of putting your head elsewhere, it would be better to let your heart feel your feelings and let them move through you. You don’t want to start numbing out again. Emotion is energy in motion. *Metal Rabbit hands Duncan a blanket of rainbows to cozy up in and with permission, gives him a big hug.*
Infinite blessings,
Amanda
Hugs from me as well.
Infuriating. Unthinkable. Cruel.
After my partner Dale’s suicide, I attended his funeral as an unknown to all but a handful of the 150+ mourners. When the choir (which he had directed for years, until a couple years prior) sang “Amazing Grace,” I broke at “Was blind, but now I see,” because his friends and family hadn’t seen him at all. Divorced after a 22-year marriage to his best friend, the choir knew about his previous suicide attempts but not that his despair about being gay had contributed.
Open, collective, messy, artful, honest, chaotic, grieving opens the door to appreciating and loving the one we’ve lost by living fully.
18 months after being the invisible man at Dale’s funeral, I gave the eulogy at my ex, Brian’s, funeral. I told funny, true stories and spoke to the tragic, frustrating messiness of losing a 44-y/o decades too soon to alcoholism.
Brian’s funeral led to his friends, associates, family saying, “I dreaded this, considered not coming, but because I did, tomorrow will be a little easier.”
Dale’s funeral, almost a decade ago, still echoes through me as if I am the net for a ping-pong game that refuses to end.
You said: I am confused. I am sad. Mostly I am angry.
Trust your gut, Duncan. Live with what is and move toward what is possible.
what a waste of life, all because they thought they were unacceptable as they are. It must be hell living being untrue to yourself. Another beautiful artistic soul lost to what? others idea of fitting in?
I wish you peace, you cannot change the events,sounds like Dale made a decision, it was his choice.
Time to forgive yourself, ….it’s allowed.
I have known Kristian since he was 16 he was my daughter Lucy’s best friend. We are heartbroken at his death, and this latest debacle just brings back all the grief. I wish she would just let Steven do his own memorial, she has had hers. To which Steven couldn’t attend. I do not know why she hates Steven so. She was so lucky to have had such a beautiful boy. We will never forget him. I enjoy your blog very much.
hello there, could I contact you via e-mail?
OMG – that snake was HUGE
It appears I have upset Kristians parents with my comments. I have absolutely no desire to do this. They have lost their beautiful boy, and must feel distraught. I only wondered why they were so against the memorial. They must have their reasons. But to outsiders like me it is not clear why. I only want to pay my respects and remember him with love and affection. I feel I must apoligise to paula for any upset I have caused.
Dee, why oh why should you apologise, you have done nowt wrong, its her who should be apologising. Poor Kristian would be turning in his grave if he only knew…… wicked woman.
Debra
I totally agree with Debra. Why should you apologize to a woman who is so toxic that she would threaten to disrupt a memorial held by her son’s friends because of some benighted delusion that she, and she alone, is in charge of his legacy? Instead of apologizing, I would counsel her to get into therapy. She has been cruel and unfeeling to his lover, his friends and his fans. She owes everyone else an apology!
Blessings to you for even considering the feelings of someone who seems to have been born with a heart three sizes too small.
Why were Kristian’s parents so dead set against the memorial? I have one word for you — homophobia. Steven, his gay lover and his gay friends and his gay fans and others would be there. Kristian was out and proud, and the media, I’m sure would be in attendance at any memorial as well. The Dubois family want nothing to do with the reality of their son’s life. How sad and shameful since he was so courageous. They want to preserve a veneer of what they consider “respectability”. Bullshit.
I’m sorry but this kind of thing just totally INFURIATES me.
Blessings.
I feeel so sad and angry now. Paula rang up my daughter and said that I had attacked her on the net and slandered her. Lucy didn’t know anything about it. That is why I apologised, but she said what if Lucy died how would I feel. I think that is a very cruel thing to say. I thought she would be pleased that people thought so highly of her son that they wanted to remember him. Her hatred goes so deep, I really do not understand. I am heartbroken that she has stopped his memorial from going ahead. I will light a candle for him in the Cathedral and remember him my own way.
Call Canon Andrew Nunn at Southwark Cathedral at 011 44 020 7367 6727 (The international dialing code & UK county code, are included. The last 11 numbers are the his number at the cathedral.) — I did — I think that the call will ease your mind. Anyone else interested in what’s happened, should also call. Please remember if you’re calling from the States, that there’s a 5 hour time difference (i.e., it’s 5:25 p.m. EST as I’m writing this from Maryland and it’s 10:25 p.m. in the UK.). Here is his e-mail address, too: [email protected]. He seems like a lovely man.
Blessings.
I spoke to Cannon Nunn today, he was very sweet, explained that he was in a difficult position. Couldn’t have the service disrupted, when I asked why his family were so against it he said they were humanists and didn’t want a religious service. Well I’m a Buddhist, and I have no problem with it. What a sad thing it all is . Poor Kristian he was such a private person, he would have hated all this.
I’m glad that speaking to Canon Nunn gave you some peace of mind. He really is a very lovely, caring man.
Blessings.
On Friday I went to Southwark Cathedral, what a truly glorious place it is. I lit a candle for Kristian said some prayers, and some Buddhist chanting I want to hedge my bets for him. I held his photograph up as I walked round to show him this is where his memorial should have been. My brother thought I was being ‘flaky’. I didn’t care. I was unable to go to Stevens as I am an old bird with a dodgy back, and I am a bit scared to travel at night in London. But Lucy tells me it was a wonderful evening. Well done Steven. Hope we can now close all this aggro and quietly get on with grieving for the beautiful boy, we have all lost.
I believe that it was Yogananda who said, “There are many paths but only one God.” I keep hearing the old Three Dog Night song “Shambala” playing in my head… I can tell my sister by the flowers in her eyes on the road to Shambala”. Namaste, sister.
Since in spirit, linear time and the appearance of physical placement in space are illusions, I know that there was no separation between you and everyone at Kristian’s memorial. I know that he heard everyone. I know that he is beyond all the Sturm und Drang of the melodrama of this life. He is at peace.
I would have posted a copy of the e-mail that Canon Nunn sent me about the memorial but for obvious reasons, I thought that posting his number for anyone interested to call and get the story from him, was a better idea. I’m so happy that everything went off without a hitch.
Blessings.
Thanks MetalRabbit for your kind and comforting words, they mean a lot.
The solution is hold the memorial service elsewhere-There are churches all over London who would not cow-tow to this nonsence,in the way lily-livered Southwark Cathedral did.
I hope that you’ll choose another church,Why not try for St Margarets Westminster.
They have an amazing track record for services
and years of expierience arranging them
Their head of protocol and registrar general should be able to help
Stuart Holmes or Matthew Arnoldi based at Westminster Abbey (St Margarets is right next door)Contact links on the abbey website for them/and St Margarets.
I am not surprised that Southwark Cathedral washed their hands of the service they have a(allegedly) very homophobic Dean in the guise of Rt Rev Colin Slee
and their head of business development Rose Harding (in charge of memorial services) could probably not want the shame of a potentially “disrupted” service staining her character.
kristian brackenbury, Colin Slee is an outspoken, dedicated and vehement opponent of homophobia. He never loses an opportunity to challenge homophobes, and as a result many Christians who’ve encountered hostility, prejudice or hatred in their home parishes have found a welcoming home in Southwark Cathedral. I think it was at Midnight Mass last Christmas that his acerbic comments about Papal homophobia were met with cheering, laughter and applause from the congregation.
Jeffrey John (the one who was prevented by homophobes from becoming Bishop of Reading) has a long association with Southwark Cathedral.
Wow, it went ahead at Steven’s house, and in his garden the order of service was the same. It was a lovely and moving celebration of Kristian. The London gay mens choir sang, also a brass ensemble played modern songs and various people gave readings. I’m sure Kristian would have loved it. I hope now all ill feelings will cease. We will all remember dear Kristian with love and affection.
Did you see the message from Kristian Brackenbury? Maybe if you have a copy of the order of service, could you maybe post it on a dedicated webpage with the link posted here? I e-mailed Canon Nunn but he said that he doesn’t have a copy of it. Maybe you could get it from Stephen?
Blessings.
Can someone please upload a copy of the order of service onto a dedicated webpage and leave the links to it on here?
It is a great shame that it was not publicised as to the actual scaled-back memorial been held.Will there be some “public” event at some point?
thankyou
KB
I have been toldby Kristians friends not to download the order of service as it was personal for his friends and family only, the same applies to his grave. It is in a beautiful setting. I’m sure you would wish to repect their wishes.
Tomorrow my daughter and I are going to Kristians grave, it is his birthday. I still have problems coming to terms with it all. We all loved him so much.
I am just a tv viewer who really enjoyed watching Kristian Digby, he made me
laugh. Since his sudden death I have been puzzled at the lack of coverage
about what happened. I am pleased for all concerned that you were able to
hold a memorial service, we must feel sadness for his mother, who knows the
real reasons. May he RIP, I for one will miss seeing him on the tv. God Bless.
Could I just query something? I always understood that Stephen Holt was Kristian’s BUSINESS partner, not his lover. I thought Kristian had a long term relationship with Jono Wolf, interior designer, until it ended only last year?
Dear Susan, Stephen was his lover and business partner but latterly became his friend and business partner. Jono, also a friend of mine, was designing Kristian’s house and was never his lover.
Duncan, thank you for explaining this.
Myself and my family were great fans of Kristian and really miss seeing him on TV. We recorded some of his programmes so at least we can watch these and think of him.