Day two of having no boy friend, even though he wasn’t actually a boy friend because he told me so. Not feeling quite as good as I felt yesterday. Wondering if I was just too eager to say goodbye. I know, deep down, that it was the right decision but I just miss talking to him. I see him out there in face book land and I want to say hi but daren’t. I just don’t want to get sucked into our weird co-dependent, obsessive love affair that has no name.
I had dinner with a friend yesterday evening but I really could not summon the energy to engage. Almost fell asleep at the table. Everything he said irritated me. That night I had more erotic dreams about you-know-who. I can only imagine having sex with him. The idea of just taking my clothes off in front of another man fills me with icy horror.
I know that he is probably having group sex with half of Vanity Fair by now. Joke. Even if he was I can’t care. I can’t make it my business. I am in Malibu so am prone to morbid thinking.
I wandered around Hollywood last night snapping the neon signs with my new iphone app, the project was extraordinarily successful.
Dane came by and massaged my back until I fell asleep. I like that he blows out the candles, turns out the lights and locks the door when he leaves.
This morning went to Palisades’s men’s meeting-full of monstrous egos and bad hair plugs. One particularly vile Hollywood agent sitting smugly on his fat ass. He isn’t really fat; he’s just pudgy really, like a Rubens nude. Solid fat, not the kind of fat that squidges. Firm fat but FAT all the same. Not ‘precious’ fat. Not morbidly obese either. Just enough fat, that one thinks ‘I might catch the fat’, like a disease. Thankfully he kept his mouth shut.
I don’t know what I would do if he were brave enough to get onto an airplane and come to me. I think I might just forgive him-which is stupid as he obviously has a drug and alcohol problem. Oh FUCK!! It’s so damned hard to fall out of love when you don’t have a big bottle of whiskey to wipe the slate clean.
Party tonight, parties all weekend. Can I really be bothered? I should be mourning the loss of my non existent boyfriend.
6 replies on “Day 2 No BF”
I got a group therapy session on Thursdays on campus and today we spoke about relationships, dating and navigating life in general. I’ve never been in a serious relationship so I’m not sure how much I have to contribute. Relationships are tough and to me, it seems as though they shouldn’t require as much work as people make it seem. Like…it seems like it should be easy.
My only advice is to live in the moment. Obviously your sobriety is an important and integral part of your life.
I’m 40 and have been in several. Yet I had to respond to you because I hold the same thought: relationships should be easy. Why should it be a big ordeal to please somebody? Heck if it is, maybe its not worth it. Relationships should be low pressure. They should be a positive enhacement to ones life, not a thorn in one’s side. I feel one shouldn’t just be a fair weather lover, friend, etc. If adversity presents itself to one of you, then don’t jolt out the door. Or maybe improve oneself to attract new friends or a lover. You can’t be a jackass or schmuck and say “hey you should like me just the way I am.” I once dumped a husband who wouldn’t stop gambling. Years later it still hurts my pocket book. That was not a carefree stress free era in my life. Don’t get me started. I would suggest that you are being logical in considering that relationships should be easy. Trust your instinct. Never go overboard feeling sorry for someone who sends you through a big ordeal for whatever reason.
He seems to be so toxic, I hope you don’t spend too long missing him. I know it is hard to fill in the spaces in your thoughts, but perhaps you could daydream about a truly sincere, honest, kind, smart, good-looking man who might just arrive some day when you aren’t looking because you are busy doing things that make you happy.
I am still working on trying to feel worthy enough for someone who I can respect to love me. Bizarre. I agree with Kamala that a great relationship should somehow be easy, because then you might feel comfortable enough to take off your clothes in front of that person! 🙂
hmmmmm….nice description of fat Duncan….I will remember that next time we go out to dinner,,,,and by the way…I doubt if Graydon would be involved with group sex….joke
You were brave Duncan.
You are brave.
Duncan,
*Metal Rabbit smacks Duncan with humungously large powder puff. (As in old sketch where someone yells “Makeup!”) and yells “Snap out of it!”*
You did the right thing. You know you did the right thing. Stop flagellating yourself and get on with your life, dude. Do not, I repeat, do NOT withdraw into your shell/porn cave. You have PARTIES to go to. People want your company. Go and be company. Force yourself. Maybe you’ll have fun and maybe you won’t but you won’t be isolating. Please. Pretty please. Pretty please with sugar on it. Pretty please with an offer of an Easter bunny…? 😉
Hang in there. Remember what you said about him being a drug. You’re in withdrawal. Hang tough. You can do it. One day at a time. Distract yourself with social interaction. Party on, dude. 🙂
Blessings,
Amanda