I want to make a few things clear about my comment mediation. Firstly, I want to say thank you to every one of you who take the time to comment on my blog-some of you very generously. I learn a great deal from the comments and if I ever have any sort of problem I can count on my readers to provide solution.
I don’t publish every comment.
I don’t publish comments that are racist, homophobic or could cause distress to others. I often publish comments that are critical of me and in the interest of fairness I will continue to do so.
This morning I received a comment tagged to the blog FULL DISCLOSURE (March 13th) that went something like this:
“You were not with a married man. You were with a shithead named Jake Bauman who should have broke it off with his girlfriend of 8 years after you fucked him (or attempted but could not?) in 2007. Stop screening your posts. Coward.
Obviously I have removed my friend’s name for the sake of the accused.
Firstly, this was not the only email that I received claiming that the married man referred to in FULL DISCLOSURE was known to the reader. I received three totally separate claims about the man. In all instances they were wrong.
Dear readers you know me well enough that if I wanted you to know that I had been with a married man I would not dress it up in the third person-I would tell you directly and honestly. I have no secrets with any of you. None.
Remember too that I commit to no longer living in Shame, Resentment or Fear but when they beset me I tell you-my readers.
Contrary to the rather badly written comment I like to think of myself as very brave indeed! In my opinion cowardly people make anonymous accusations – like me having slept with some girl’s bf in 2007. I did not. I would gladly admit it if I had. I am rather too eager to admit any indiscretion.
Regarding the life he lead before January I really don’t have an opinion about his behavior.
Whilst being the other in a break up is often the least sympathized role-shit happens. I have no idea if the man I have started to befriend is going to develop into anything substantial-one day at a time is my philosophy. (I rather think that I am merely the conduit for the rest of his gay life.) For the time being we are having a nice time and it is none of my concern who he has left behind him. Relationships end, and one might consider that had he not heeded my warning and married his girlfriend they would be in a much worse state than they are now several years down the line.
There is often so much unnecessary recrimination when a relationship ends. I suggest that we own the pain, deal with the grief, learn from our mistakes and move on.
One of the great lessons of my life has been this: EVERYTHING I JUDGE I WALK THOUGH. Everything I judge I walk though. Whilst I may have opinions about the behavior of others if I stand in judgment I am prone to make the same mistakes as those I have judged. Those who seem so eager to judge my friend not only lack compassion but will eventually make the same sort of mistakes. It is very easy to anonymously call a man a shit head or a coward and yet by doing so anonymously one may be thought of as cowardly and shit headed? What do my readers think?
Lastly, the friend who told his wife of 20 years the truth-she has gone into rehab to deal with the trauma.
Sad, but there you go.
6 replies on “Blog Comments”
Good for you Duncan.
Hi, dear fellow sojourner. Being open doesn’t mean, as you said, that you have to pass along hate mail and bathe the rest of us in some poor bitter soul’s venom. I’m sorry that you have to even let it enter your eyes. Wouldn’t it be great if at the very 1st view that such comments emitted a “Toxic” pop-up window so you could just delete them without going past the 1st sentence? 😉
As for judgment, a friend of mine who was studying to be a Native American shaman passed on a bit of wisdom that he had read or been told, which is: “When you point a finger at someone else, you have three fingers pointing back at you.” But it’s hard not to do it. We’re told not to take someone else’s inventory but it’s so damn satisfying sometimes to say, well, if you think I’VE got issues, let me tell YOU something, pal. Even if it’s true, it’s deflection and protection of our wounded selves. Then there’s always the good old psychological mechanism of deflection… wherein, I hate or see in you what I hate most in myself. That’s a pisser. People living in fear and who hide in the dark, hate those who try to live in truth & light. They fear their own secrets. They fear any moral shades of gray. They need absolutes and the security of believing that they’re the ones who are the just and righteous, that they’re the ones who will be saved. No purgatory, no cleansing and forgiveness for them. You’re in or you’re out. It’s a very exclusive club of those who think they stand on the moral high ground.
All I can say is, good luck with that. There’s a reason why we’re told to concentrate on keeping our own psychological (and literal) houses clean and not to give other people housecleaning tips, unless asked, and then to proceed with caution. (There’s always the “Yes, but…” types who ask for help and then proceed to shoot any advice down, to prove they’re helpless and hopeless and to prove that you’re not as together as you project. It’s a game between a wanna-be savior and a rescuee. More than 2 can play. Usually, a rescuee has a support system since one wanna-be savior will burn out quickly.) It’s Biblical for heaven’s sake. Something about the mote in your neighbor’s eye and the timber in your eye. If you concentrate on other people’s issues you deflect yourself from working on your own. Co-dependence, anyone? It’s not a fun game although anyone can play. I’m so tired of games. Of being the hook or the fish. No scripts that replay in a loop for this kid. I want to be free to act in the moment… and the good fight goes on.
Keep those jabs and right hooks coming and stay on your toes. 😉
Blessings,
Amanda
By the way, when were you judgmental? Maybe I missed it. You pretty much seem to take and air your own inventory and leave others to their own devices. Getting better all the time is the mantra for the day. A work in progress but showing some damn fine composition and use of light.
Duncan, you are making good choices, there is no need for raving vitriolic rants to be published. There was need to make good choices and hard decisions. You deserve to live the best life you can and if that means ending a relationship that harms your progress, then so be it.
No doubt about it, there is evil out there in many forms trying to get to your sobriety. The great thing about a blog, you can delete the s***. It is sad to know that so called ‘friends’ are out to second guess you and with no proof of the facts are critical and venemous.
Not so sure that the porn watching is a good idea for your equilibrium.Watch out mate, get a grip, ha ha, oops that’s what you are doing , right? What I mean is try to find a distraction.
It is good to know that you appreciate our input, there are some amazing people who post here all of who are very intuative and insightful.
You are now free of a very weak person who although I am sure was very nice, did not have what you need. I hope you find a man who is kind, caring and appreciates you. A person who will hold the strings of your kite and reel you back in when you need it. That’s a quote from actor Jeff Bridges on how he has stayed with his wife of many years.It also describes my husband too, he is the complete opposite of any man I dated and he lets me travel, explore and have my freedom monogomous of course.
I have been pursued, but am never tempted because I have my safe haven to go back to whenever I get ‘cabin fever’I am like the Travelocity ad, I walk around singing”I gotta get out of here”. He says ‘where to now? have fun.’
That’s the person you need, strong and confident. He is out there.
Write down everything you are looking for in a man. Keep reading it.
It works. Your subconcious mind will bring you that. Don’t forget to put sense of humour, I forgot to put that, hmmmm, it could be my British sense of humour is the reason he doesn’t laugh at Little Britain.
ps get that flat picked up!
Fuck the haters. Who needs ’em? This is your little piece of the internet; you post what you want and screen what you want.
I agree that we walk through what we judge. I am the biggest hypocrite I know! I am everyone’s shoulder to lean on, I give insightful advice, I am empathetic. Yet I have tremendous difficulty applying all my sage advice to my own life, my own self. I try, and sometimes I succeed. I just keep at it. That’s all.
I am sorry to hear about the friend’s wife. I hope they all come out the other side okay.
How are you Duncan. It makes me feel angry when they try to bring you down with words. But, I know you are strong, and they won’t succeed. We know you don’t lie to us, you showed us your true-self in the Sex Rehab show, and your honest blogs. That is the trust that you built between you and us. So I say, leave us alone haters.