Decide Now

I shaved my beard.  I am watching TV.  I am going to bed early tonight.  Clean white linen sheets.

A Beautiful Moment in Europe

It was a lovely day.  Nice people came to see the house.  Really nice.  This afternoon I worked with JA on the film which just goes from strength to strength.  It’s very reassuring to get ones writing mojo back.  As I mentioned before, it just FLOWED.  I have something to say and I know how to say it.  During the past few years I have written a couple of  scripts but I wasn’t motivated to direct or produce them.   They were bad scripts.  Today I am writing from my heart.

We mapped out all three acts and it works on so many different levels.  I will really enjoy producing this new film.

It’s not usual for me to write  two blogs in one day but as so many of my blogs recently have been hideously miserable I wanted you to know that I feel great this evening.  Very peaceful.

JA is not only my friend and producing partner he is also a fellow addict who really gets me.   So, after we had finished cooking lunch and writing he asked me why I was still so angry with Jake and I was forced to admit that even my anger is running out of fuel.

I cannot really remember all the resentments I constructed into my hateful narrative.

Yet, having said that, my anger has to be addressed.  What I have not talked about is perhaps the most sensitive reason for why it all became so nasty.

As some of you know if you saw me on the TV show Sex Rehab my sex issues have always been a problem.  For as long as I can remember I have never really enjoyed or felt connected sexually with anyone.

From erectile disfunction to an inability to be held Jake and I managed to overcome many of my problems.

Even though Jake and I had ‘issues’ what bound us when we were together was our physical connection.  Well, for me it was pretty amazing.  For him it was probably just routine.  He once said that he was only good at skiing and sex and he really was very good in the bedroom.   I never saw him on the piste.

He, like most of you, had no problem expressing himself sexually but I have never had the kind of wonderful sex that I had with him.  So, when I finally understood that it was over I felt (and still feel) without self-pity that I will never ever again have the connection that I had with him.   Now, you may say, Oh don’t be will.  But, I know deep down in my soul that this gorgeous time with Jake may have been my last chance at connecting with someone I loved and had a stab at fulfilling sex.

Once  you understand this missing part of the puzzle you may very well see the root of my frustration and sadness.  I tried to do everything I could to keep hold of a man who was patently wrong for me but with whom I had a profound sexual connection.

I really do want my money back but ultimately does it really matter?  What matters is that I must grieve for a life devoid of sexual connection.  It just made me so angry that I go on paying the price for my childhood abuse.  My distrust of men, my fear of expressing myself sexually.

My fury with him stems, almost certainly, from his understandable but insensitive desire to share stories of his sex life with others whilst we were together.   It was horrific listening to someone I loved describe something I knew I could never give him.  For me he was the only man I have ever made love to.  Ever.

It was unthinkable to have sex with anyone else.  It still is.

You may think me pathetic for trying to love him but I tried so hard to separate myself from him on many, many occasions as I documented in this blog.

He knew how addicted to him I was and he would play mercilessly with my emotions.  Knowing that I would always pick up the phone.  Knowing that I would always respond to his text because I knew that he was deeply sad after he left his girl friend.  That he was lonely and despondent but I also knew that if I felt similarly I could not rely on him to be there for me.

As was proved that fateful day in August.

Every morning I pray that this obsession, this anger, this grief these resentments will end.

As I was reading part of the new script to JA I started, finally to cry and the pressure cooker of emotions began to express themselves. I began to express myself.

I tell you again for those of you who might not believe it:  He made me very happy and I was prepared to overlook his flaws.  There were moments of pure joy for me whilst we were away in Europe although nowadays I really have to work hard to sift those moments from the crushing disappointments.

Lastly, I don’t really want to write this blog.  It had become, like most things I do, yet another symptom of my addiction.    As I read the earlier entries, before he bust into my life and I let him in…I let him in…well I remembered what it was like to be happy and I have been so very far from happy these past few months.

Even though he has been cruel and insensitive  he was also very vulnerable and turned to me for help when he needed it most.   You know, I tried to help but I am not a therapist nor am I the most stable person in the world.

Addiction for me is a daily emergency.

What have I concluded?  I need to be on my own.  I cannot begin to have relationships.

He never gave me the opportunity to say a kind goodbye…ironically, the very thing he wanted from his ex-girlfriend, even though that seems unlikely.  I really tried to say goodbye to him with dignity.  To end it in a civil and kind way.  To let him go.  I really did.   I was exhausted.  To end with kindness was my plan.  A plan he did not share.

So, JA unlocked the pain and by doing what I do best I can let go of my heavy heart.  I don’t have anywhere else to go with this other than forgive and forget.

I hope I can.  I really want to.  This is making me really ill.

7 replies on “Decide Now”

Read your blog today and felt sad. I know the loss of someone with whom sex was beyond good and the bleakness that you imagine for the rest of time. I am no cheerleader for the ‘You will have that again’ team – you had a sneaky-peek at heaven and now you are back on earth. If you never see that again, at least you did once. So few do.
Love and hope for more peeks

This post made me cry. Glad you are addressing the anger. Have been struggling with it in my situation for ages. I am tired of it too. Pray it isn’t making me sick.

to carry anger is a burden, to let it fester turns it into a cancer of sorts that can ruin your health and your life. It’s hard to forgive, lean on your higher power D, you’ve come such a long way… Don’t let the bastard (anger, fear and resentment) win. One can tell by your writing that your gettin back, it’s good to see. Xx

Hi Duncan,
its great to read “I have to forgive and forget”. You wont forget, but once you truly forgive and own up to your part, you will be able to love him again in a different way …. apart. You will. It was not all about what you did, what you gave, how you treated him and introduced him to your friends etc. etc…… its about what he did. He made you want to wake up and see the sunshine, go for walks, sit and talk and just enjoy life. It was a fleeting moment and its past. Take a piece of paper ….. write two coloums. Write down all the good things about Jake on one side and the bad thing on the other. Do the same for yourself. for example on yours – in the ‘bad’ column, write “I gave Jake £2grand which I know in my heart he cant pay back but I gave it to him to make myself feel better”. Its a bit different to writing it in his ‘bad’ column “Jake stole £2 grand from me”.
See which one outweighs the other and you may go forward a little.
Take care. I really understand how you are feeling. I have been in the exact same position, but I forgave in the end. I lost a great deal more money than you apart from what it cost me, but nobody put a gun to my head and told me to do it. I loved everyday I was with him although I knew it was wrong for me. Almost 2 years have passed since we broke up without a proper goodbys (just like you) and I recieved an email from him with a phone number. I left it 3 days then called him. We talked laughed and remembered for one and a half hours. I finally had closure and nobody apologised. I told him that I still loved him and he told me that he still loves me but we have both moved on. I told him that I was glad God put him on my path and although there were some bad things, I remembered only the good and the laughs and the fun. Nobody mentioned sex, but it was the best sex I had experienced in my life, having only had sex with a handful of men. He asked me to talke his mobile number and I told im I was in the bedroom and had no pen (a lie). I didnt want to have that because I knew I would maybe text him etc. I have his landline number but its there if ever I feel the need to speak to him. It was a 3 year love affair which ended sadly when I realised that he had a liking for cocaine. Something which he hid perfectly because I am very street wise. It ended and I forgave him

sorry I was going to make a correction and I sent the email. What I was going to say was, I found out he was on cocaine and it answered a lot of questions about money. He was working. We had a long, long chat and it all came out in the wash. We arranged to meet the following day and he telephoned me saying he was working. He called again after about an hour and twice more. It was strange because he kept asking where I was. Anyway, when I got home my house had been burgled. Loads of jewellery and items taken. I knew it was him. I knew it. I called the police etc. etc . of course I never mentioned the fact that I knew the burglar. They found a footprint in the bathroom and told me that the burglar had size 12 or 13 shoes. This confirmed it because he was a giant of a man.
The insurance paid me but I felt sick for more than year. But I forgave him.
makes me cry when I write about it to you.
take care
Jenny x

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