Golly Gosh. I was ready to write an obituary. Now there’s some hope in the air and it smells so sweet-like winter flowering Jasmine.
To my readers: I want you to understand something. You don’t know who I am writing about. You can guess but you’ll be wrong. Even if you are right-you’ll still be wrong.
Men together? I don’t understand how that works. Can it work out? Need I worry? Just go with God’s plan and see what he has in store for me. God’s plan never ever includes meeting a normal nice man with no issues who can be ready and willing to deal with mine. hahahahh. Fuck you God. Have I ever told you just how much I trust how God works in my life? That whatever happens everything is going to be ok? It’s all going to work out just the way it’s meant to be. God, can you PLEASE not torture me by making me learn how to be patient? By making me be the one who has to be selfless? Can you just give me a frigging break!
The problem with long distance relationships? There is no comfort what so ever in the time spent apart. The distance, the anticipation and the disappointment. It drives me BONKERS. In the Land of Needy I suddenly become King.
Wonderful times spent together are mirrored with miserable times spent apart.
Added to all of this it feels like I am being given the mighty heave ho. Why oh why are relationships so DIFFICULT. It’s not just me. I know it. Why can’t everyday be like getting up in the Jane Hotel feeling complete?
Now I understand why you don’t get involved with certain kinds of men. Well, we all have to make our own mistakes don’t we? One day you walk away and you don’t look back. But I can’t walk away from this one-there’s still fuel to burn. It’s not exhausted. Yet. As much as I want him to tell me that’s it’s over. There is something intoxicating about being loved.
It’s not who you think. It’s nobody you have ever met. Nobody I have ever introduced you to. He’s a different man.
Yesterday was rather wonderful despite emotional long-distance telephone calls with this young man that I recently met in NYC.
I had a deliciously long cup of coffee with an occasionally tearful Jennie… tears of joy I hope. We looked each other in the eye. We talked recovery and lost love and new love and what it was to have sex whilst being present.
By the end we were hugging and smiling and everything was just how it was meant to be, you see… what ever real friends go through they remain real friends. The foundation of our friendship was constructed almost exactly a year ago when we entered Sex Rehab.
It is obviously unshakeable. The Lord and the Porn Star.
So, I arrived at Amanda’s for dinner, she was in a fractious mood but I think she may just have been hungry. She has lost a ton of weight.
Amanda and Lady Forte had spent the day with their grown up children looking at universities. There was some unexplained drama around how easy it was to buy yourself into UCLA. Anyway, had long chat with Charles about helping him make a film this summer, a short film to get into film school. I would rather like to do that. In lieu of teaching at UCLA this year which I really miss.
8 replies on “Fuck you God”
I’m glad you and Jennie were able to make amends. I understand what you mean about God giving you a break. I’m 46 and never been in a real relationship. I don’t know how to find love. It seems so elusive. Everyone says oh it will happen when you least expect it. Stop looking. If they only knew how unhelpful that is. How condescending. How I have so much in my heart to give and how it overflows at inappropriate times in inappropriate ways. How much I pray for it, but it never comes. So at least in this Duncan you understanding and compassion.
Learning about this changed my life. Sure, I still fall in love with all the wrong men and have what feels like the most complicated and frustrating relationships, but at least now I know why…and that it’s so normal it has it’s own wiki page.
I’m glad you had such a great time with Jennie…it’s so inspiring to see friendships like that.
The other day in my religions and care for the earth class we were watching a video about how different Religious Groups were responding and dealing with the crisis to help clean and take care of the earth. One speaker spoke about the concept of God as mother, love, friend, sister or brother instead of just “Father”. Seeing God as someone with Authority always frightened me and hearing the terms “Father” scared me. The possibility of God being a Friend, Sister or Brother is more comforting to me. It lifts the fear from the word and makes me feel less panicky inside. Now I’m beginning to see God not as a person or someone who made what was happening okay but as someone who may have done their best to protect me and place the people in my life as guides and as a new family. One I can count on. One filled with unconditional love and understanding. Where no one uses violence to over power or words to hurt. Instead arms are used for hugs and words are of encouragement and praise.
I can’t say much on relationships, I’m just 21…barely even been in any really. I also haven’t pursued anyone either. I figure it’ll happen when it happens. That or I haven’t met “The one”.
sometimes the first love after recovery is a practice run, and even the one after that. but sober, you realize you are sorting out what qualities you really want and don’t want in the people or person you love. just because one is in recovery doesn’t mean that one’s judgement is restored to emotional health just like that. we still go for the damaged ones, but with luck, we pick less damaged ones, and walk away from them sooner when they implode than we used to.
hope you read this…
I really do root for you and your happiness. When you come to NYC, I think, he’s in my city! I’m glad you and Jennie had a pleasant time together. As for the long distance relationship issues, you’re right. It doesn’t work and it sucks donkey balls. You are a fascinating, intelligent, handsome devil of a man. Don’t stop trying to find someone. It’s truly worth it.
I’m so glad that you and Jennie have re-woven your frayed friendship. And that the bonds seem stronger than ever. Your heart seems happier when you two are in touch with each other, and keeping abreast of each others lives. She seems a lovely soul.
As for Mr. Anonymous… you said that you wish that he would tell you that it’s over which means you know that it is should end or is ending. Didn’t you mention a while back that a relationship took two torturous years to tear itself to bloody shreds because you wanted to let the other person down easily? And all it did was make it infinitely worse? Although this can’t totally compare to that, still. I think that in long distance relationships, it prolongs the honeymoon phase. (If he was in LA… would you be together?) It’s romantic and intense — and then you go back to your day-to-day lives. It’s why some people are romance junkies. (I’m not saying that you’re one of them.) They’re fine as long as the honeymoon romance, intensity and passion last but when the work of the relationship starts, they’re out the door. Romance is like a drug to them. But as is said of marriage, relationship is a verb. It’s something you do, that you work on, not something that you just have. Maybe this was just a lovely fling — “Just one of those things.” — and it’s time has passed. You’re allowed, dammit. And…
You’re FEELING! You seem to be more in your body. That’s the good news. The not so good… you’ve got baggage. You want someone without baggage who will help you unload yours by the wayside. Not gonna happen. LOL Even if we manage to make it to adulthood without being traumatized by physical, sexual or emotional abuse as you were, we make bad choices, have relationships that end badly… we make mistakes. ALL of us carry baggage, and we mostly need to unload it ourselves. In relationships, whatever most needs to be healed in both the people, comes up. If you don’t deal with it, you pick another person who seems different… but lo! and behold, it’s the same song but a different verse. Hence, the people who seem to marry, divorce and remarry the same kind of person, over and over again. Find a way to create whatever it is that you most crave in a relationship and allow those nurturing, caring parts of your personality and spirit to bloom and the relationship will come in due course.
There’s a spiritual saying that you demonstrate where you are. You’re a caring, nurturing person. You want to care and nurture in a relationship and you want to hear “I love you”, especially from a man and not have it make you cringe. You don’t want to have to be alone to feel safe. You’re getting there. Holy crap, dude. You just began the process of your sexual sobriety. Give yourself a break. It’s a process, a marathon, not a sprint. You HAVE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU! It’s just that you don’t seem to hear words of love, unless it’s a man saying them in a romantic relationship. Let the words sink in. Let them have the validity that they’re due, no matter what the source. Let yourself feel it and believe that your friends know enough of you to love you in truth, despite the faults that you magnify to yourself. And yes, you’re going to have to cultivate patience. But then you’re a gardener. What was the story about the farmer who wanted to help his plants grow, so every night he would come out and pull on their roots? Think of yourself as your own beautiful garden and quit pulling on your roots. [Hmmn. That may not have been quite the metaphorical ending that I was aiming for. Almost erased it but… in the area of sexual addiction, it seems to ring true. ;)] You have patience. Just encourage yourself. And always treat yourself kindly in your thoughts and actions.
Remember, you have people all over, who are standing shoulder to shoulder with you, fighting for their sobriety and their sanity. Living in hope, solidarity and expectation. Praying for strength and prosperity for themselves, you and each other. Never forget that. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.
What are the coffee cups & cups in the picture all about? It’s very intriguing.
Duncan – An interesting observation from a Vietnamese priest comes to mind when reading your post today:
“What are the three most dangerous words? ‘I love you.’ By saying these words to another, we give them power. But the power is two-fold: the Other then has the power to destroy us, to kill our heart. The Other then also has the power to create us, to give our heart life. So what is the love we give when we say those dangerous words? It is peace, patience, mercy, trust, fidelity and forgiveness.”
Duncan, you may have an influence on this long-distance love that you don’t even realize. Perhaps you are the only person in his life who gives of yourself freely, not calculating whether or not he “deserves” love. Just a thought.