Gay Love Malibu


Malibu Spring

Woke up this morning in a wonderful mood after a lovely evening with Anna.  True friends are too few in this life.   I woke up in my own body.  Does that sound familiar to anyone?  Doesn’t everyone?  I woke up in the moment, not in some delirious fantasy about what could be.  I smiled to myself.  Gently.   I imagined myself walking the pavements of Notting Hill Gate.  I imagined looking into the beautiful homes there.   I thought about London-because I am happy.

A beautiful spring morning in Los Angeles.

The fact is I don’t live in New York.  I live here and for the foreseeable future I will continue to live here.  I have to make this work as best I can.   Any other plans to move will have to be made because it suits my sensible self.

My great friend John has gone travelling and I miss him being around.  He reminds me to be awake, to no longer sleep walk through life.

I loved seeing Jennie this week.  It was after all this week last year that I entered Sex Rehab and the adventure began.  The journey of self discovery, the great revelation, the great insight, the life of many choices, the decision to love myself, the strange and wonderful experience with reality TV and of course my relationship with the inspirational Jennie Ketcham.  The love affair, the language of recovery.  The list goes on and on.

To love someone selflessly is hard.  To live without hope is very hard.  To put a lid on my feelings for another seems almost impossible.  If I think back to the end of my most beautiful relationships there are weeks of debilitating sadness, sad songs then emerging from the pall with my head held high.

Today is Saturday 3rd of April.  I pay my rent today.  I go to my Saturday morning meeting and see my friends.   Do you have a group of men or women around you who can hold you when everything seems desperately bleak, when things are going so well that your feet scarcely touch the ground?

Several of my readers really helped me yesterday with their comments.  I read about limerence and it was painfully, embarrassingly familiar.  I particularly liked Leslie’s comment.

“What are the three most dangerous words? ‘I love you.’ By saying these words to another, we give them power. But the power is two-fold: the Other then has the power to destroy us, to kill our heart. The Other then also has the power to create us, to give our heart life. So what is the love we give when we say those dangerous words? It is peace, patience, mercy, trust, fidelity and forgiveness.”

It is hard to explain to those who are close to me how important this blog is.  It is a relationship with the world.  Reaching out daily to those of you who read what I write and honour me with your comments and opinions-good and bad.

So, Anna and I sang sad songs and laughed out loud and when I went to bed I no longer had any yearning in my heart.  After all, what have we got to look forward to?  I’ll tell you what-today, this moment..right NOW.   Like so many people I have lived so much of my life regretting the past and hoping for a brighter future without really paying attention to what was happening to me right now.

11 replies on “Limerence”

sorry to be ignorant, but what’s limmerance? i looked in the dictionary and didn’t find it.

found it… what a wonderful description of what happens to us love/sex addicts. having a bit of that at the moment myself. it’s good practice for “being here now” isn’t it? Thanks for helping me keep present Duncan. Hold fast. <3

I want to thank you for sharing your life with us, your struggles and joys, your journey. You speak so readily and honestly. You don’t sugar-coat, you don’t downplay, you simply tell the truth. As you say here, your journey began just over a year ago – and I’m so glad it did. Watching you on Sex Rehab, and keeping up with your blog afterward has forced me to recognize many things about myself… good and bad. This past week, I saw a therapist for the first time. So I wanted to let you know, by starting your own adventure, you’ve helped me start my own. Thank you.
Have a lovely Saturday—-


Nothing ever gets anywhere. The earth keeps turning round and gets nowhere. The moment is the only thing that counts. ~Jean Cocteau, Professional Secrets, 1922

Look how far you have come. Your journey is an inspiration for me to continue mine.

Experiencing a bit of personal resurrection just in time for Easter is about as appropriate as it gets. Even when you think you are a mess, SOME part of you is watching the calendar and organized for the occasion.


WHen we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defenses to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future, and the past and the future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear. We cannot love when we feel guilt. When we release the fearful past and forgive everyone we will experience total love.
However, love makes us feeling vulnerable, we expect that the past will repeat itself. We see what we expect, and what we expect we both invite and seek.

I wanted to share some words of wisdom that a friend and mentor of mine gave me.
Rules for Myself
I am ME
There is nothing wrong with me
I will judge no one, that includes my very self.
I will label nothing as to good/bad,
Or any other opposites
Today I will live according to the dictates of my soul.
I will live by my rules.
I do not “have to” live to any standards that I did not set for myself
I will live with another, but not for another.
I am not responsible for anyone’s feelings but my own
There are no right feelings, nor wrong feelings.
I am entitled to feel as I choose
What other people think of me is none of my business
I love myself and everything about me
I love all others as I do myself
My integrity is every word here said


Moved the day you wrote this. No Internet at house as of yet. At local library using their WiFi. [Stopped at Daedalus Books before I got here in my peregrinations in search of an Internet connection, so I fed the bookworm, already. 🙂 Don’t feel like a total philistine using the Internet in a library. 😉 ]

There was an old book from the late 60’s, early 70’s, called “Be Here Now”. Easy to say, almost impossible to do, even for yogis, saints & suchlike folk. So don’t be hard on yourself. You’re making great strides. It’s a process. 🙂

Kudos on the anniversary of your sexual sobriety. You have chosen to be present as much as you can & in your body to experience the gift of “ordinary” days. As an artist, I’m sure your right brain is soaking in all the beauty that others pass by in their rush “to get somewhere”, to do something else & play act at being an inauthentic version of themselves.

I totally agree with Leslie’s quote from the Vietnamese priest. As for limerance, don’t forget that aside from one-sided or two-sided limerance, there was an affectional bond that was long lasting and not ephemeral. It wasn’t a case study of hopeless cases. But damn, even if you allowed yourself a schoolboy crush or a lovely “Summer Nights” fling before… you weren’t present the way you are now. Your emotional intelligence is catching up with your intellectual intelligence & your heart is just beginning to learn it’s way. You’ve had a mad head & a heart that’s missing in action, not to mention a body that was numbed out. But now they’re beginning to heal & to connect with each other… not to mention your soul. So take it one heartbeat at a time and give yourself permission to enjoy the detours & rest stops along the journey to that safe place for your heart to be at ease in a permanent relationship.

I’m so glad that you woke up happy & that you’re enjoying the privilege of being present. It really is a gift. And I’m grateful that you have friends like Anna, with whom you can laugh & cry and who will support you in being present & clear.



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