Sat at home with the twins watching the Oscar coverage. It was wonderful to see The Artist grab all of the best awards. It was wonderful watching Plummer accept his Oscar with such elegance and dignity.
It was even more moving to see that little Producer of The Artist grab the Oscar for the best film. That lone French Producer fit himself into the history of Motion Pictures, nodding to his predecessors…his heroes.
Of course I sat there and wondered if I would ever make another movie. There is nothing stopping me…except me. The script I sent out just before I was arrested had some great feed back. I reread it yesterday afternoon. It has to be sharpened…but it’s good. The stage play comes first, and the documentary…and the trial.
Life is filling up! It’s not ending! It’s just beginning.
I’ve been watching Robby grow up. Watching him inhabit his new skin. I’ve been thinking about him and you know who…but not obsessively. Trying to work out what went wrong, why I reacted so badly and for so long. You know, it’s obvious that I am a very bad gay. I don’t fit it. I don’t like them and they don’t like me. God, I really tried. I tried being gay here in LA, in NYC, I tried being in gay AA. What a waste of time.
So, I wondered what it was that JB had that I didn’t have, that Robby has that I don’t have. Well, they just seemed to fit in effortlessly. JB met people and had dinner with them, sex with them, he is a likable fellow, largely uncomplicated (on the surface), doesn’t want to cause trouble. I am none of those things. He fitted in immediately, he just did. And when he fitted in I had no place in his life, there was no room for a misfit like me.
So it is with Robby as he makes his way, meeting people this unwitting Malibu dad doesn’t think appropriate for him…but that boy has to make his own mistakes and I am not his dad. I am here to help, not to judge.
Perhaps I am indeed how JB described me. Perhaps his assessment was just too accurate. He will make some man so incredibly happy! They both will.
Hey! I’ve seen you smiling, it’s a lovely picture. You look so happy, happier than when I knew you darling. Of course, you were tormented then. Tormented by guilt, by indecision…now look at you, staring into the camera. Do you love him? I hope you do.
You know, don’t you, that we would never have met as out gay men. I would have passed you by and you would have thought me absurd. Just like they do. I know that I’m not meant to think about you…but I do! I think hopeful thoughts. I know that you’ll be happy. Forever. I am so relieved that the fury is over.
You don’t need to be scared of me darling. I am fighting bigger battles. Fighting for others.
Did I ever tell you that I was sorry? Perhaps I didn’t mean it back then. Just hollow words.
It must have been very scary for you all. It was scary for me. Well, it’s all over now. All over.