Keeping what is in effect a public diary can have it’s glories and it’s defeats. Ups and downs. Well, we have all recently witnessed the downside.
When Jennie K was having a hard time with crazy stalker monsters contacting her she turned off her comments option. I am considering doing the same. What I realize now though is just how much the comments mean to me. I enjoy that so many of you check in with me every day and it is those people who I imagine when writing this blog.
I have been thinking about the comments by Tres Triste. It is most odd that he/she insinuated that I take down the pictures of Jake. I mean, why should I? I have pictures of most of my friends in this blog. He was not only my friend but also my lover. The only reason that I hadn’t posted pictures of him before was that I had effectively climbed into his closet. When I crawled out gasping for air I realized just how manipulated I had been.
It’s odd to think that someone who supposedly doesn’t know Jake would consider it an affront to his dignity to have his pictures on my blog. Our holiday pictures. I am guessing that Tres Triste thinks he would be ashamed to have his pictures associated with me. Well, that may very well be the case but I am not buying into his shame.
30-year-old men are not children. In fact, most 30-year-old men have children of their own. They have responsible jobs. They cannot claim to be naive adolescents. They make decisions about who and what they want to do and then face the consequences of their actions. As do I.
There is a beautiful line in the Stevie Nicks song Landslide that he might consider when he thinks about her, he could consider it..so might she.
“I’ve been afraid of changing because I built my life around you.”
Did you think I was thinking about Jake when I considered who or what I built my life around? Well, I thought about drink and drugs and my lost daddy. I thought about him too.
“I’ve been afraid of changing because I built my life around you.”
Every decision I take or make has a consequence. It is up to me to think that through. When he contacted me the outcome was clear. When he kissed me he departed, once again, from his monogamous commitment to his girlfriend and would have to face a consequence. We must never, ever underestimate the consequences of our actions. Wether he was cheating with a woman or a man he was cheating. As for him claiming youth as an excuse for his actions? Honey, 29 is no youth. Look at the lists of men killed in Iraq..most of them are younger than 29.
We are all naive about some things. I was naive about Hollywood. I was never naive about life tho. I think I have always lived in the light. It was his desire to crawl back into secrecy that finally made me ditch him.
I have no truck with secrets. You know everything because I want it to be that like that.
There are moments when I think of him..but not in any way other than one might miss a drink after being a heavy drinker. We had communicated almost every day in some way since we first met. He is in the fabric of my being. He rested in my most sacred heart for many months. I am slowly washing that man out of my hair.
I was his most ardent supporter, his rock when he needed me. I was on his side. I thought I could be there for him as he matured into an out gay man but I could not. I regret having made that committment to him.
I return again and again to this question: why didn’t he tell the truth sooner?
There is no reason in a liberal household in the modern world for a man not to be true to his nature. To tell the truth about who he is.
It is a conundrum that has no end because only he can answer that question. Frankly I am not interested, any longer, in anything he has to say about anything…so…I am left with the question.
I am left with the Manhunt account too. It amuses me but I must tell you I am a little bit too eager to see who and what messages have been left for me. A little bit too eager to meet new men and a little a bit too eager to revisit the site again and again.
Must keep this in check. The paths wont get swept if I don’t.
I write every morning just before I start my day. Presently I am looking over the ocean in Malibu. It is going to be a beautiful day. Yesterday I swept and hosed the drive and the paths. I wanted the garden to look beautiful for Jenny A who is presently staying in the guest apartment below.
I spent almost all of yesterday pottering around the garden, scrubbing the terracotta tile in the gazebo, weeding and generally decluttering the house. I have a different attitude to being here since I last lived here.
Jenny arrived and we walked down to the new road with the dog. We came home and Eric arrived for dinner. We lit a huge fire and listened to Herbie Hancock and drank English tea. I cooked and everyone went to bed. It was simple.
We discussed Jenny’s cancer. She was only given a 38% chance of living.
She said, “They gave me ten years to live. Of course, that was five years ago..now I want another five years..”
Jenny saved my life. It was she who I called this week 14 years ago to tell her that I couldn’t stop doing coke. It was she who took me to my first meetings and it was she who eased me into the recovery community. I will always be thankful for that.
Our relationship has had its ups and downs. We didn’t talk for two years after having a huge fight on a dusty road in Mexico but true friends always come back to each other. Eventually.