Keeping what is in effect a public diary can have it’s glories and it’s defeats. Ups and downs. Well, we have all recently witnessed the downside.
When Jennie K was having a hard time with crazy stalker monsters contacting her she turned off her comments option. I am considering doing the same. What I realize now though is just how much the comments mean to me. I enjoy that so many of you check in with me every day and it is those people who I imagine when writing this blog.
I have been thinking about the comments by Tres Triste. It is most odd that he/she insinuated that I take down the pictures of Jake. I mean, why should I? I have pictures of most of my friends in this blog. He was not only my friend but also my lover. The only reason that I hadn’t posted pictures of him before was that I had effectively climbed into his closet. When I crawled out gasping for air I realized just how manipulated I had been.
It’s odd to think that someone who supposedly doesn’t know Jake would consider it an affront to his dignity to have his pictures on my blog. Our holiday pictures. I am guessing that Tres Triste thinks he would be ashamed to have his pictures associated with me. Well, that may very well be the case but I am not buying into his shame.
30-year-old men are not children. In fact, most 30-year-old men have children of their own. They have responsible jobs. They cannot claim to be naive adolescents. They make decisions about who and what they want to do and then face the consequences of their actions. As do I.
There is a beautiful line in the Stevie Nicks song Landslide that he might consider when he thinks about her, he could consider it..so might she.
“I’ve been afraid of changing because I built my life around you.”
Did you think I was thinking about Jake when I considered who or what I built my life around? Well, I thought about drink and drugs and my lost daddy. I thought about him too.
“I’ve been afraid of changing because I built my life around you.”
Every decision I take or make has a consequence. It is up to me to think that through. When he contacted me the outcome was clear. When he kissed me he departed, once again, from his monogamous commitment to his girlfriend and would have to face a consequence. We must never, ever underestimate the consequences of our actions. Wether he was cheating with a woman or a man he was cheating. As for him claiming youth as an excuse for his actions? Honey, 29 is no youth. Look at the lists of men killed in Iraq..most of them are younger than 29.
We are all naive about some things. I was naive about Hollywood. I was never naive about life tho. I think I have always lived in the light. It was his desire to crawl back into secrecy that finally made me ditch him.
I have no truck with secrets. You know everything because I want it to be that like that.
There are moments when I think of him..but not in any way other than one might miss a drink after being a heavy drinker. We had communicated almost every day in some way since we first met. He is in the fabric of my being. He rested in my most sacred heart for many months. I am slowly washing that man out of my hair.
I was his most ardent supporter, his rock when he needed me. I was on his side. I thought I could be there for him as he matured into an out gay man but I could not. I regret having made that committment to him.
I return again and again to this question: why didn’t he tell the truth sooner?
There is no reason in a liberal household in the modern world for a man not to be true to his nature. To tell the truth about who he is.
It is a conundrum that has no end because only he can answer that question. Frankly I am not interested, any longer, in anything he has to say about anything…so…I am left with the question.
I am left with the Manhunt account too. It amuses me but I must tell you I am a little bit too eager to see who and what messages have been left for me. A little bit too eager to meet new men and a little a bit too eager to revisit the site again and again.
Must keep this in check. The paths wont get swept if I don’t.
I write every morning just before I start my day. Presently I am looking over the ocean in Malibu. It is going to be a beautiful day. Yesterday I swept and hosed the drive and the paths. I wanted the garden to look beautiful for Jenny A who is presently staying in the guest apartment below.
I spent almost all of yesterday pottering around the garden, scrubbing the terracotta tile in the gazebo, weeding and generally decluttering the house. I have a different attitude to being here since I last lived here.
Jenny arrived and we walked down to the new road with the dog. We came home and Eric arrived for dinner. We lit a huge fire and listened to Herbie Hancock and drank English tea. I cooked and everyone went to bed. It was simple.
We discussed Jenny’s cancer. She was only given a 38% chance of living.
She said, “They gave me ten years to live. Of course, that was five years ago..now I want another five years..”
Jenny saved my life. It was she who I called this week 14 years ago to tell her that I couldn’t stop doing coke. It was she who took me to my first meetings and it was she who eased me into the recovery community. I will always be thankful for that.
Our relationship has had its ups and downs. We didn’t talk for two years after having a huge fight on a dusty road in Mexico but true friends always come back to each other. Eventually.
17 replies on “Blogging…”
“I have no truck with secrets. You know everything because I want it to be that like that.”
That’s what I love most about you, Duncan; your refusal to sit down and shut up just because other people may feel uncomfortable with truth-telling. It’s rare in this day and age to find people with such courage. You’re an inspiration to anyone who strives to live honestly.
There are people who act like a. hats and Triste was acting like one. If that person keeps being nasty you can block the ip address by sending it to spam. I had to once when an ex-chatroom friend kept being nasty to me.
I appreciate you sharing. Sometimes things resonate w/ strangers…Stevie and Lindsey made me cry so hard this a.m. I needed that, wouldn’t have found it without you, Duncan. Thanks.
Duncan, I’m so glad you choose to be honest and open. If we can’t be, who are we really? And isn’t being true to yourself and the public what life is all about? It’s your blog, it’s your feelings that you put down. You don’t do it for the approval of others. It’s a cathartic action that helps most of us cope with troubles we have. I say continue with it and if someone doesn’t approve or like what they read, then maybe they should look into themselves and see where the root of their ire comes from. I hope Jenny continues to have a long, fulfilling life. And being able to share her moments with you would be rewarding in that quest. Much love!
duncan thank you for sharing your life with me I am very ill i have been for 20 years I had to have a lot of operations and so my world has been very small your blog has reminded my that there is a hole other world out there I have lost a lot of hospital friends and to see how you deal with Los and love gives me inspiration how to deal with my one difficulty’s in life so thank you for your wisdom
Barbara: (((Hugs))) You are another person, like Michelle, who is incredibly courageous and beautiful, whether you know it or not. Another woman singing at the well. Blessings.
Tres Triste’s first post was really extraordinary. After that, what stood out was how much empathy he had for Jake’s, & his family’s, humiliation. He either went through something similar – or he’s an interested party somehow (shrink?). Interesting the wide variety of readers you touch.
Glad Malibu is proving restorative and you have a good, tested friend to spend time with.
The thought manifest as the word;
The word manifest as the deed;
The deed develops into habit;
And habit hardens into character;
So watch the thought and its ways with care,
And let it spring from love
Born out of concern for all beings…
As the shadow follows the body,
as we think so we become
Alexandra: Beautiful. Thanks for the reminder. Namaste.
To use the analogy of a handball court, your posts are the ball and we are the wall. We return the ball with perhaps a slightly different spin, depending on the formation of the architecture that is struck by it. You can return service or let the ball sail by and then throw out a new one. Or walk out of the court. All up to you.
As for Tres Triste, I believe that he/she really had your best interests at heart. Looking back on the blogs where you wrote about “Mr. Darling NYC”, it was quite the roller coaster ride with side trips through the looking glass and into what you call your “mad head”. It seemed for a bit as if your equivalent of the Mr. Hyde were taking over when writing about Jake, and perhaps seeing you vent in such a scalding manner without calling you on it was not in anyone’s — especially yours — best interests. Asking you to take down the pictures of Jake, however, showed somewhat of a lack of understanding as to your process here, where you have shared with us, your friends, lovers, and business associates. Some framed in fond memories, and some… uh, not so much.
There are people in this world, whose hearts bleed for everyone on either side of a controversy, even feeling sympathy for our particular bete noirs, the extreme of which is the nun in “Dead Man Walking”. I really think that Tres Triste felt that perhaps in the future, in this day and age where jobs are lost because employers can Google old, embarrassing Facebook posts from one’s undergrad days, that you might regret linking Jake to some of the more vituperative posts with a picture. Especially, since you conceded to taking down his last name. I really don’t think that there was anything more to it than a very sensitive soul who suffers when someone gets bitch slapped, whether they deserve it or not. There after all, is an incarnation of the Buddha, called the Compassionate One, who vowed, despite gaining enlightenment, to not leave this world until all the beings in the realms of Hell were redeemed and liberated. Amazingly hopeful, don’t you think?
As for this, “I return again and again to this question: why didn’t he tell the truth sooner?”, the truth was simply INCONVENIENT. It wasn’t that he was suffering a terrible psychological/emotional dilemma. He was already doing what he wanted to do and he already thought of her as an inconvenience… but a USEFUL one. Get it? Hearing him fight with her about bills, knowing his penurious nature, the reason that he didn’t tell her the truth is because it would have inconvenienced HIM. He could prowl Manhunt and the streets of NY and still have the safety net of his life with her. He only became “courageous” when he thought that he had another person, who would put up with him. Namely, you. Did you ever discuss moving to NYC? Perhaps he thought that he could have you replace her as his safety net but with the addition of his now being “truthful” and being out of the closet. It’s that simple. That sad. That infuriating. He has an incredible sense of entitlement that you blew to smithereens. Bravo. (I am not THAT enlightened. Working on it.)
I’m so glad that Jenny A is with you. If you even needed a profile of courage, there she is in front of you. And being the relentless optimist that I am, here’s the cheerleader riff… medical knowledge and treatment are advancing in exponential ways. So many people are here today because of the advances of medical science that were unheard of a decade ago. Just believe and hang in. And always remember that we are more than our DNA. We are POWERFUL spirits experiencing the world in a human suit. Whatever the components from your father or your mother, YOU are far more than the sum of those parts. Don’t lose sight of that. And when you feel like beating up on yourself, think on this: within the past year, you have had the beginning of your health scare, getting involved with Jake, the anniversary dates of your sexual sobriety date, Luna’s death, the actual deaths of Kristian and Sebastian, the milestone of your 50th birthday, breaking up with Jake, having to undertake a move and now the anniversary of your alcohol/drug sobriety date. All incredible psychological stressors. Good God, man, the fact that you’re still on your feet and not collapsed in pieces on the floor is a testament to your strength of will and character and your steadfastness to the guidance of your Higher Power. And yes, you screwed up. You’re human. You make amends and move on. Living out loud and with Grace. So say we all.
P.S. When you write “…It amuses me but I must tell you I am A LITTLE BIT TOO EAGER (Caps., mine) to see who and what messages have been left for me. A LITTLE BIT TOO EAGER (Caps., mine) to meet new men and A LITTLE BIT TOO EAGER (Caps., mine) to revisit the site again and again.”, it should be pretty obvious that the words you write are a message from your subconscious that you’re heading in the wrong direction and need to course correct. It shouldn’t take Robbie, the Robot, from “Lost In Space”, shouting “Danger! Danger, Duncan Roy!” (Instead of “Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!”) to get through to you that you’re being enticed into an addictive behaviour. Please. Get rid of that account. The validation that you’re getting there will not nurture your sobriety. Listen to YOURSELF.
I really think you need to get off this “Jake Wagon” and find something else to do with your life/time. Give it up and find something else to blog about. Its turning into nothing but a boring blog!!!!!
Jake, you really don’t have to read this blog if it bores you so.
Easier said than done, this blog is not boring to may of us who check in with Duncan each day, see how he ‘s doing and well, we love him, comments like yours are thoughtless and arrogant.
exactly D, if he doesn’t like it one can always go elsewhere. The rest of us appreciate you and your writing so feck off jake 🙂 and heres prayers for jenny to beat the odds, I never did believe we have expiration dates, a note in the wall for you miss jenny, for being a friend that’s true.
So sorry to hear of Jenny’s illness, is she railway children Jenny? I think of her everytime I visit Haworth.
I would also like to thank you for sharing your blog with us. I love reading it. I know you’ve been through a lot recently but surrounding yourself with close friends is the best way forward to re-energise yourself. Everyone that we meet in our lives is for a reason, a learning curve if you want to call it that, so Duncan get back to your old self, the one we know and love…