Spent yesterday feeling very spirited and positive. Things just got better and better.
Getting out of the house helps tremendously.
My Palisades 7am AA meeting set the tone for the rest of the day. This, coupled with my no longer wearing the CLOAK OF RESENTMENT! cast off a couple of days earlier had the effect of opening my ears to the nourishing effects of a good AA meeting.
It was like taking a psychic shower.
Cleansing and salubrious.
The Bad Baby sleeps.
When I got home after my meeting I had totally forgotten that I was meant to be meeting another Manhunt man in Venice. I dashed down the hill. Manhunt Date No.11: Chubby and sweet but not my cup of tea.
Whilst at breakfast I received a call from a member of my Wednesday meeting who said that my particularly violent share this past Wednesday morning had upset him and others. Well, if we can’t talk honestly about our feelings in therapy where can we?
The ongoing effects of early abuse continues. Wretched feelings of powerlessness. The furies. I talked about it graphically. John pointed out correctly that part of why JB and I had such a connection was our master and servant…S&M…me firery…him timid arrangement. There were indeed elements of abusive behavior carried on in our relationship that I had learned from my step-father.
I become him when the other demands it.
My hand on the back of his neck when we were driving is all at once erotic and controlling. A man who needs a firm hand. I attract this often into my life.
I can feel his soft skin on my fingers. The soft hair on the back of his neck. Let me remember these perfect moments. There are plenty more but it’s still hard to remember them. His birthday in NYC. Jane Hotel. Watching him walk. Catching his hand in mine. Let me remember what was good. Thank you.
Last night!
Met J & J at SHLA for the Robert Evans screening of The Kid Stays in The Picture. I sat with Robert DuPont at the back of the plush new Soho House screening room. Ms DuPont was dressed as Warhol for Nikki Haskell’s Halloween party held at Truesdale. It was all a great deal of fun. Ashley introduced Evans and the film. After the credits rolled Larry King asked Robert Evans the kind of questions he is famous for. Evans reminisced about Larry Olivier, Dustin Hoffman and his wife Ali McGraw. He talked movingly about how she was still his friend even though she was a ‘bohemian’. We were all in awe. He described in the film and in the room how he lost the only woman he had ever truly loved. It brought a tear to my wrinkled eye.
A passionate, wonderful man.
Bold Facers in attendance. Lots of them. Bumped into Michel Comte who, even though I really like him and his wife, can be a vapid contrarian. He owns the most beautiful house in LA by far.
There was a huge buzz in the club after the screening.
What a life!
I came away feeling energized, inspired, heady. Nobody is going to stop me from making this next film. Nobody.
For those of us who have had wonder, delight and great triumphs early in life nothing can be bettered or compared.
I am listening to sad songs.
I can listen to a sad song one of two ways. I can feel miserable about the past or accepting of the past. As I listen to moody music this morning I have a smile on my ugly mug. Remembering all that was good.
Let’s remember the scene in our romantic movie. A huge wide shot of the sea, panning toward 4 men and a little dog. Let’s remember walking from Adam’s Mother’s house after he took the picture I now use as my blog Gravatar. Walking from Seasalter to Whitstable along the shingle beach with JB, Barry, Adam and The Little Dog. The sun shining, taking a route I had taken for half a century. With a man I loved. One of the men looks back at the other and they exchange a glance that only lovers know…
Screening tonight and Halloween parties all weekend. Then…London.
