How likely is that someone you know will kill themselves? How come I know so many people who have? How is it that I think suicide is a perfectly honorable death option? Killing oneself not out of self-pity but because it’s just the right thing to do? Because it’s time.
I am only 16 years younger than my mother. I watch old age creep over her and do not want that.
I never again want to feel the pain I felt last year.
Until the startlingly handsome decorator arrived yesterday that’s really all I could think about. In between tinkering with my book. Hence the odd video posted.
Blue grey eyes, perfectly formed. Beach, bleach blond hair.
You might think that I have been bored with all this death thinking but actually I have not. I have been doing stuff. Enough stuff. Dinner at Nobu last night. On Wednesday I went to the premiere of a TV show, yes…that’s LA for you. They premiere TV shows.
I met a Navy Seal. Dangerous.
I took Robby to the event at Gauchos in Glendale (such glamour!) where we were served about ten pounds of meat. My poor tummy.
I am still mightily pissed off at the Twins. Daily revealing themselves to be self-serving, manipulating and utterly self obsessed. I am creating MONSTERS. For example: when Robby drives, the rear view mirror is positioned so he can look at himself and not the road behind him.
Constantly checking his hat hair.
It never occurs to either of them that the adventures and people who I have introduced them to might be reciprocated in any way. They are off with my friends of friends who patently want to fuck them, thinking that their scintillating wit attracts them to others.
We sat in Joan’s on Third on Wednesday, Robby was overly concerned that other people might think that I was fucking him. What he doesn’t realize is that if a young man of dubious sexuality is out with any man…people will assume that they are fucking. I think everyone is fucking everyone in LA.
Yet, they are both so friendly.
Their friendliness is often misconstrued. It seems flirty. They touch you but woe betide if you touch them. I think Robby understands, he’s grateful…but not enough.
As for Miles…I can scarcely look at him.
They both take but rarely give. Where’s the humility Christian boys? Or are you just hung up on…what the fuck are you hung up on?
I am overdosing on the twins. I can’t wait for then end of the month. Not a day too soon.
I have been watching the Vlog Brothers YouTube videos. I watch them at least twice/three times a week. John and Hank Green. Hank is a bit of an idiot with a huge brain. A real nerd, well that’s what I thought…until…I’ll explain later. And John, I rather liked author John Green until yesterday.
He said something that made me despise him.
He said that he didn’t like meeting strangers.
He said that he couldn’t give random hugs.
His excuse was pathetic.
I don’t think John Green is a nerd, I think he became one to keep his brother company. I think John Green is erudite, sophisticated, intelligent and handsome. I think I would be scared by his intellect if I met him. I would be scared if I met him.
You should check these guys out.
On their own, performing for their cameras they become the men they always wanted to be..yet, because they are now famous…internet famous…and successful, this strange act is obviously just that.
The pressure to perform must be HUGE. It is apparent when they are together in the same room…who is more authentic. Hank is softer, more at ease. Gentle. Off stage Hank might be the one. Off stage John looks surly, miserable, dark.
John has a great deal to prove. He has the bigger career. He has the wife with a big life in the art world. The adorable kid. The conflicted Christian pre history.
He wanted to be ordained.
I’ve always thought that it takes a huge amount of ego to be a priest where as most people think that it requires the absence of ego. To stand up and channel the word of God wearing fancy hats and garb. You need balls. John Green has balls.
The decorator returns today.
I am going to VidCon at the end of the month.
I want to fuck a hooker.
The twins will all at once irritate, frustrate and delight me. Miles has this notion that he wants to direct. Am I expected to help him? He needs to make something. If he wants to direct…he needs to make a film so that he can show people what he’s made of.
If he has any art, has an understanding of detail.
Shoot something!
As for Robby this is maybe his moment. He wants to be an actor. He is not a great beauty. Not really, he has crude features yet there is something mesmerizing about him. He has something. I don’t know if he can act. If he has the strength. If he can overcome the fear that often walks hand in hand with self obsession.
13 replies on “John and Hank Green”
Duncan, I don’t know you, but honest to God, you’re driving me crazy!
Look, I don’t know if anyone has bothered to say this to you, but suicide is the most infinitely selfish thing a person can do. My best friend committed suicide when I was a teen, and my brother in his mid-thirties. Surely you can remember the grief and the unanswered questions – do you really want to inflict that on the people you love? Give them guilt, anger and abysmal sadness? Because that is what happens when you kill yourself. So cut it out!
On a side note, any house guest will seem tedious after a few months. Boys that age care only about getting laid, so don’t take their narcissism personally.
One of the risks of revealing yourself so publicly on a blog is comments like mine, but I hope you realize that what I’m saying is sincere and deference to the beauty that is human life. Rock on with your bad self, Duncan.
I don’t want to kill myself. I want to kill that part of myself that gives me so much pain…writing about it somehow solves something. This past year I have lost many friends to both deliberate and accidental death. Death seems like it needs discussing. If we were Japanese this would be a perfectly reasonable topic.
I don’t want to kill myself but if I do…at least we were talking about it. Trying to understand.
Thanks for your comment tho.
What we dislike the most about other people, is just a true reflection of ourselves.
Instead of growing you are shrinking.
Today shrinking maybe. I’ll put off the growing…until tomorrow.
Thats not true. I dislike Hitler. Am I Hitler? That’s an absurd thing to say.
I am not here to hurt you. I love reading you. I connect with you for your infinite love for the little dog. Your amazing fun live. I admire your knowledge and how you write. It has nothing to do with Hitler and you know it. I don’t like racist, bigotts, but I am not going to hate them because it would make me just like them. It has nothing to do with that. I truly love you for who you are. Or the snippets of yourself left on this blog. You are a good compassionate man. I was not attacking you. You need to let go of the past. Is getting in the way of your present
i think i am perfectly honest about my shortcomings…are u? could you write all the things that you would most like removed from your character? the risk i take everyday…is that people like you might have an opinion. i am prepared for u
My character flaws are:
Opinionated
I dissapear for weeks at home and don’t talk to people who worry about me. That would make me selfish
I feel sorry for myself and blame my past for all the things I am not. That would make self pity(I don’t know)
I am a procrastinator, desorganized, and careless.
I have a tendency to lie for the stupidiest things. Missed phone calls, vet. appts, I need to work on that. I need to work on that
;
Honestly, I’m shocked at the audacity people display. Judgement, what is that?……It’s infinitely more selfish to insist on forcing someone to remain on this planet….people (not comprehending pain) going so far as to have an individual ‘committed’ in an institution, for entertaining simple thoughts, sheer speculation on ‘what if’ or….what is on the other side of this ever elusive thing we call life?….However, thoughts are thoughts, words are words, actions….well, that’s another thing entirely! So…as long as we speak and write about our thoughts, we are NOT physically acting upon those. Being a writer, I find it quite cathardic to acknowledge my thoughts, utilize the written word, and exorcise those demons….
Duncan, I love you……and Thank You for sharing!!
Unfortunately, I am aware of my shortcomings. And you are right I should not be commenting on your shortcomings. I guess that makes me a piece of shit. I truly like you and it wasn’t meant in a mean way. It was as a reflection of self. You need to let go of the past.
You are man who deserves to be loved. You are a man who needs to heal old wounds. And you are right I should have not done that.
Obviously I have nothing to do today. I am passing judgement? “I have been watching the Vlog Brothers YouTube videos. I watch them at least twice/three times a week. John and Hank Green. Hank is a bit of an idiot with a huge brain. A real nerd, well that’s what I thought…until…I’ll explain later. And John, I rather liked author John Green until yesterday.
He said something that made me despise him.
He said that he didn’t like meeting strangers.
He said that he couldn’t give random hugs.
His excuse was pathetic.”
How old are the twins again? Most boys, and I do mean boys are absurd, selfish, vain , uncomfortable in their own skins.part of that D , is being spoiled rotten buggers and age. Growing up , especially in these time must be terribly difficult, more so than when we were young. Then again perhaps its just too much together time. Patience and distance cures that. Plus they will grow up. As far as suicide goes? Everyone has had thoughts, especially when life sucks or your in pain. I kno I’ve thought about it, but I also saw my father die, and he did not want to die. He fought till the painful end, and for that.. he. Is my hero. Never giving up. Tommorow is always another day, cheers .xx