art Gay Health Malibu

Dreaming of Being Healed

As is things couldn’t get any worse I fell in the garden yesterday and ripped the tendons in the back of my right leg.

Thankfully Ashley was at home and wrapped me in ice.  I dare not go to the hospital because it will bankrupt me.  Now at home totally incapacitated.

Began to panic about getting back to the UK with one functioning leg and a dog.

Have to go via Paris again.  Not even directly to Paris but via NYC to go to court to get the money that Jake owes me.  This really stinks.   Everything conspiring to make life more difficult than it needs be.  It was such a silly thing to do.  How did I do it?  I tripped up the path and instantaneously I could feel the tendons detach.  Pop.  Oh God.

Ashley cooked dinner for us.  Her friend Emma arrived. They made steak and greek salad.  After all that meat we ate chocolate and drank hot tea.

It rained heavily all night.

The night.  Plagued with nightmares.  A kitten hidden in a chair.  Me as a child wandering into the road outside my Grandmother’s house in Herne Bay overlooked by my step-father.  Torrential leaks from the ceiling coursing unchecked through the house.

This year has been ghastly.  Made more so by Jake’s despicable antics.

Unthinking, callous, selfish.

I sometimes wonder how his parents put up with his lying shit?   Of course!  They love him unconditionally.

This leg situation is going to take at least a month to fix…more without treatment.

I wrote to Jake’s father asking him to persuade his son to just pay me the money.   We have a court date fixed now.  This is fucking bore.  He is holding onto me.  Refusing to let go of the final tendril.  The last vestige.  Let me go Jake.  Pay me the money so I can go to the UK and get on with my life.

I am sure that he feels the same way…we were perfectly synchronised.

The drawings are by Jennie.  She sent them yesterday.  Drew them when we were in rehab. They have a real Picasso feel about them.

6 replies on “Dreaming of Being Healed”

I am inclined to agree Jake is holding onto you, typical narcissistic behaviour. It is a horrible feeling to want to cut ties and be free, and have past lover playing games to hold onto you for own selfish thrill. again recently your words are speaking to my soul. Such a huge effort to cut ties with my ex, i gave up all claims to support for myself and my child. My life will be easier working 3 jobs if needed rather than have ties to HIM for the next 5 years for spousal support. This choice will make my life more difficult as far as creature comforts i am used to, but the anguish of being connected simply for financial gain (not like he would pay w/o court order anyway) It has made me smile to know i soon will be free from his delusional ways…nothing to bind us together, continuing adoption of my daughter as a “married woman” as divorce is not yet final, w/o him involved in her future. It is such a peaceful feeling to know soon my baby girl and i will be free in every way. Thanks again for all your words. love to your poor leg.

so very hard to weigh in anymore.. You want the best for someone who struggles… and then they prefer the struggle.

I am so lucky to have Medicaid or I’d be up Crap Creek w/o a paddle. I went to the ER the other day for a kidney infection. I supposedly got Level 3 care, which consisted of blood pressure, pulse, temperature, listening to me breathe, a talk, urinalysis, and sending my merry rear home w/ a couple prescriptions. Apparently this costs 1,033.00! Hate to see what level 1 care is like. I was out in an hr and a half too. We thought it was a mistake at first.
Maybe if you speak w/ your dr and throw yourself at his mercy he might bill you. If it gets bad enough the ER will take you. By law a public hospital can’t turn you away.
Good luck and will pray for you,

sometimes when you’ve been poor most your life , you figure out options. Not much they will do for a torn tendon unless it’s entirely separated, and you’ll be sorry later if you don’t have at least it checked out properly. Teaching hospitals such as ucla etc have options for uninsured, please look into it hon, I kno it apalls you, but it’s what well over ten million of us deal with , you can deal, your not such a diva that you can’t.

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