- Andrew
Had to take a couple of days away from my blog. Firstly, my reason for writing it has become skewed. Secondly, when all one has to write about is the blog itself… hmmm. You understand.
Malibu. The garden has been totally cleaned up by the new gardeners. This annual sweep gives me so much pleasure. The most rewarding $800 a man could ever spend.
Exciting news: friends are seriously thinking about buying the house. When they contacted me I was relieved then I began to wonder why I was selling it? Where else in the world would I be able to live like this? The view, the land, the house… it’s all so beautiful.
The repaired road will make it so much better living here (I can walk to the local shops) but rather than thinking it would make it better for me… my fucked up head thinks it would make it better for someone else. That’s insane! I deserve it too.
I had to get away from the blog because I was indeed writing about Jake far too much and whilst I needed to I also have to stop. This is the problem with obsessive thinking and who ever wrote I should get off the Jake thang is right… I really have to start thinking beyond the object of my obsession.
Just when you run out of good ideas God throws you a life line. My friend Anna is moving into the house with me. She is having a blast with her new film (traveling all over the world) but needs a place to live. We are very similar in as much as we both daily invent our lives. So, next Tuesday I have a room-mate.
My friend Ashley needs a place too so we are all going to live here together. The only remaining booking is for October so we are going to vacate for that.
I achieve so much more when I am with other like-minded people. Whenever Anna is here I get important things done that would otherwise remain undone. I can be mother hen, make breakfast, organize walks, sit down and write. All I have to overcome is the obsessive urge to clean the house and keep order. I have to let that go.
Because I know that he reads this I often think of him when I am writing. It’s horrible. Trying to keep the flame burning. Fragile, timid beautiful Jake. I want to remember him kindly. I really do. I don’t want to believe that he came into my life to take whatever he needed.
Manhunt? I want to be on Manhunt because he was on Manhunt. I want to meet men because he met men. I want to in spite of my own healthy needs.
The Manhunt thing is interesting. It has taken no time at all to be totally disinterested in that site. It cannot serve me. Why do I go there? Real people can serve me. Living in fantasy around what could be only leads to disaster… as we have witnessed these past few months.
I have been attending gay AA meetings, connecting with my sober comrades. Trying not to be negative, understanding I still sit in a great deal of fear around gay men… I begin to relax. There is a community of men and women at my disposal who are more than willing to open their arms to me.
I am, after all, a rather well-known gay man in recovery. So I should lead by example.
Coming up to my sober birthday on October 1st. Traditionally this has always been a time of great reflection. A time to remember what I gave up to become the man I am now. If I had continued along the path of least resistance… I may very well be dead. I will write about that last day of using on October 1st.
Fly East tomorrow for a few days. Have to take art to NYC. I really dread being in the city just in case I bump into him. I don’t know what I would do. It’s like when I got sober… those first few months I could be around people drinking but I could not be around anyone taking drugs, it was too triggering. As I have said before, he is not real… he is a cypher.
As he shrinks away I attempt to own the possibilities. I am left with so much! I am left with all of this… the view, the hope, the love and of course the very human fight to survive. The fight to live. The fight to make art. The fight to breath in the new day.
I may very well have thrown away this past year obsessing over him. I pray that I learned something useful from knowing him. Please don’t let it have been a total waste?
My Australian friend Andrew visited yesterday. I met him in Sydney ten years ago. What a delicious man he is. I think you would all agree?
My AA sponsor told me in no uncertain terms that I was shirking from the very real health issue I have. He told me that I have to get it seen to as soon as possible.
5 replies on “Shrinking/Shirking”
I was wondering why you were going to sell the Malibu house so soon after all the plans for gardens and goats. What happened to all that excitement? Oh yes, Jake happened. You need to get back to that place you were in before the whole whirlwind swept you off your feet.
And yes, you need to get that ball taken care of.
ummm D, your sponsor isn’t the only one, it’s very real and it won’t go away on it’s own, think of it as organizing and sweeping your body, being in control of it, good golly if you can give up gluten and bread for yourself , takin care of this should be literally.. Cake 🙂 if malibu is that good for you, why would you part with it? Enjoy your day , quit over thinking and just breathe
Good sponsor.
Duncan,
Perspective. What a lovely word. Sometimes you do have to step back and out of the frame surrounding you to get some. It sounds like you did. Kudos. I’m sure that the wonderful Jenny A, the gay sober weekend, and your sponsor had something to do with that as well. Blessings to all. And even if you weren’t ” a rather well known gay man in recovery”, I think that the recovery community would open it’s arms to you regardless. It’s the promise of Grace, “Ask, and ye shall receive; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” But you have to ASK. And you have. Please continue to rely on your faith. Even if — with all the trials and tribulations that you’ve been through — it’s as small as a mustard seed. Although somehow, I think that it’s more like an acorn that’s becoming a lovely tree under whose shade you can take your rest.
So… you’re finally seeing that you deserve the wonderful house in Malibu. So glad. When you said that the realtor said that whoever bought it would probably tear it down, I knew that it had to hurt you. You’ve put so much love into that house and the surrounding garden and property. I didn’t want to say anything because you made it seem as if the it’s sale was a fait accompli. It was just a matter of when. I’m so very glad for you that you have decided to make it your home. And that God has shown you the means to do so.
And you will have wonderful company. Sweet friends to lift your spirits and encourage you to write and create again. You will have a HOME, again. A place that you call — HOME. I don’t think that you’ve allowed that to yourself since you left Whitstable. Only places of convenience. But not a HOME… until now. Ahhh, Duncan. So very, very happy for you. And maybe with a coterie of other artists around you, you WILL have your own salon. Tuesdays at Duncan’s. It could be a pot luck dinner and you could bake. Then, afterwards, a discussion of film, art, and philosophy. Maybe some politics, who knows?
If you don’t want to run into him in NYC, then just visualize a successful trip where you get the perfect price for your art and enjoy the company of wonderful friends like Lady Rizzo. Stop obsessing. It’s like the meditation exercise where you try to keep your mind clear of thoughts, except not nearly so hard. You’re just trying to let go of one set of thoughts. So as soon as you become aware of thinking about him, see that thought as a leaf, floating on the stream of consciousness… and let it float by. Don’t try to hold onto it. Let it go. Steer your mind back to planning what you need to do to take IMMEDIATE care of your health issues. Or just let your mind rest on the beautiful sights that fill your eyes wherever you look there in your magic garden in Malibu. May you be made green.
Andrew. Looks a bit like you in some of your old photos. All that, an Aussie accent and a bag of chips. Where do you find these men? Like bees to honey. 😉
Keep punching, Rocky. *Metal Rabbit,with permission, gives Duncan a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Mwah!*
Blessings,
Amanda
NO! You are not allowed to sell that gorgeous, magical, floating on a cloud, divine house (but do get rid of any more hideous snakes slithering about so I feel safe when I visit you). Ashley and I decided we need to make Sunday lunch once a month a tradition. I promise to help cook and clean up next time, if you’ll promise to keep your exquisite perch over paradise?
DO! Go deal with your health. Nothing is more important, and the longer you wait, is just more time wasted fretting over it. What are you waiting for silly man? We’ll have a scrumptious meal waiting for you when you get home to celebrate.