Returning to LA I was recognized on the plane. I felt like saying that I was NOTHING like the man they thought they knew. I felt like telling him that as much as I would like to be the compassionate, helpful man he met on the TV I am not that guy.
I was almost rude.
Instead I smiled sweetly and let him believe in the man who had obviously helped him by sharing my story.
Why should I burst his bubble? I did not take his number. He so obviously wanted to be my friend. I can’t be your friend.
I tried that and now look.
I sat next to a girl who is going to be on a reality show that prems next week. I told her, WARNED her..that under no circumstance date ANYONE who knows her from TV. Avoid!
I told her my sorry story. She looked aghast.
I have been dreaming very vivid dreams.
I dreamt that I was at the back of a church watching Jake get married to a man. He was wearing a white suit. He looked sooo happy. In the dream..I was happy for him. Then I woke up. I wasn’t so happy.
I went to therapy this morning at 7am. It was very helpful. I listened intently to the men in that room and found solace.
There are things I need to do to make it all better. Help others rather than myself for instance. Concentrate on positive thoughts.
I bought a mouse trap.
Wish I hadn’t looked at that picture of Jake. He looked happy. He looked like he was having a blast. I am now merely the wreckage of his past. He plunders my life and just behaves like it’s party time. It galls me so.
Yet, have I treated others like that? I think I might have. That was coy. OF COURSE I HAVE.
7 replies on “Recognized”
Your coming around.
It is in my nature to be compassionate and empathize with people and animals too much. It’s an OCD thing, but one of the quirks I wouldn’t want to get rid of (except the times I get taken advantage of, which is often). I tend to go overboard with my fear of upsetting folks. I did a post a couple months back after a faux pas on twitter. It was called “The Most Idiotic Thing an Obsessive-Compulsive Could Ever Obsess Over; or How to be a Twit on Twitter 101.” It reminds me of Amanda’s situation with you a little, though the post is sorta comical.
Kudos to you on not being rude to the man on the plane, but I wish you didn’t hurt that lonely woman who saw you as a friend.
http://ocdbloggergirl.wordpress.com/2010/07/30/ocd-18/
we’ve all gotta fess up and admit we have been asshats to others, it’s not just others who have hurt us, we’ve all done our share of it,, maybe it’s a general tit for tat karma thing, who tha fck knows. Make sure the mousie trap is somewhere lil dog won’t snap his nose ( that’s bout as helpful as I get today)
Why do you feel the need to drag “jake” into your fucked up issues. You need to move on…..
Hey Jake Toma…I got dragged into his fucked up life..not the other way around. He called me. He had a plan. There are always consequences to our actions. He knew what he was getting involved with asshole. I’ll move on when I am good and ready. As I have said before..you don’t have to read this shit. You don’t make this any better for him.
Duncan – in response to your post of yesterday wherein you requested personal history in lieu of advice I respectfully offer the following: I so admire your willingness to stay engaged and keep seeking the truth of a loving relationship. Fifteen years ago, I, mightily hurt and disillusioned, made a promise to God of perpetual celibacy and to avoid, going forward, all human romantic love and attachment. It is a promise I have kept. I am stone cold dead alone by choice. Yet I wonder if your human quest is not the more virtuous path. I have great admiration for your quest and your commitment to authentic relationship. As Michael McDonald once wrote “We’d trade it all right now for just one minute of real love.”
Duncan
I truly admire you for trying to turn your life round “let go of difficulties from your past – you are the only one who can create the life you deserve”. I did last year, and now I’m reaping the benefits. Took me a long time to realise where I was going wrong, but once you do, then you can move forward “onwards and upwards” as they say !!
Namaste
xxx