Flying back to LA.

That was quite a chore!

Now, all I have to do is pack up remaining items and move out of LA.  Then it’s the dog orientated trip home flying via Paris to London.

There I will have my operation and hope that it hasn’t spread.

You know that I like to tell you the truth here on these pages.  Well,  I want to share that I found being in NYC really miserable.  Why?  I was anxious that I might bump into him even though I had texted him telling him that I would be there and to avoid where I live and SHNYC.

Even so, I felt terrible and dreaded dread dreaded bumping into him.

I dread the small claims case in October too.  I dread seeing him.  I wish that these painful feelings would just go away.  I wish he had never contacted me.  Why did he fucking contact me?

Manhunt date number 3 was good fun.

A giant of a man turned up…it turned out that we had friends in common.  We talked about Jake.

It’s funny that even though he had been through a similar experience with a man his immediate response was to chastise me for getting involved with someone who was BLATANTLY unready to be gotten involved with.

Yet, as I have found out..we ALL seem to make really bad choices in love.  My straight men friends routinely describe the females they get involved with as insane.  The women I know describe the men they get involved with as douche bags.  People make mistakes in love.

It is very hard to control a yearning heart.

I am just so angry with myself that, a. I believed him.  b. fell in love.  c. took him home.

Why the hell didn’t he tell his friends that he was gay rather than me?  Why?  Somehow my TV confession spurred him on to confess..yet, as I pointed out to manhunt date number 3..I am NOT a TV character..I am a man.  I am profoundly UNLIKE the way they edited me on TV.

This is ripping me apart.  It is just so unfair that I let some crazy fan into my life who wanted me to be like I was on TV and I…fucking IDIOT..fell in love with him.

I was on Dan’s lap top today checking a friend’s Facebook page and there he was making some Camille Paglia comment.   His new profile picture was weird.  Mugs and fruit.  His hair was all flat and he looked thin.

I know that sooner or later this mess will pass.  That I will start to forget.

You may think me mad but really what you are reading is the real and daily trial of being an addict.  That I can have all at the same time huge compassion for him and a consummate loathing.

There was a moment is Sanary sur Mer in France where he was sitting at the end of a jetty looking at the sunset.  I slipped quietly away.  He was thinking about her.  He was sad.

Thankfully there is still one sacred place I didn’t take him.  It remains mine.  Unseen by crazy fan eyes.

I pray every day for the obsession to be lifted but I guess it will vanish in God’s time and not mine.

16 replies on “LAX”

Yeah I can totally relate to the women thinking men are douche’s. I didn’t even have to sleep with the guy to find that out. He brought a long our mutual friend on what I was led to believe was a date to tell me that he likes me but that he didn’t want me to think this was a date (even though he had asked me out) and he wasn’t ready for anything serious (sorry? Did I say I was? Or that you would be the something serious?). It was just a movie and he couldn’t even talk to me? Egads. Sorry didn’t mean to make your blog post about me. But just telling you I can relate. Eh, maybe he’s one of the straight guys that would label me insane!

you know what, i much prefer when people share their own experience than give me advice. I am not interested in advice. Tell me your stories. And yes, I think you are insane Amanda.

I just found out from my 5 year old that my ex-husband (her father) is marrying a girl that was my best friend some years ago-In fact she was the one that originally introduced us! I’m so sorry you are going through this Duncan but it will get better! I promise! Thank you for the lovely blog.

Bachelor #3 sounds like a guy who would make you a great friend. Sadly, my experiences with romance is rather scant to almost non-existant, so I can’t give you a great story about my own romantic experiences. I’m the sort of person who is so shy that I have crushes and wouldn’t have any idea what to do if someone liked me back. I kissed a guy one time and I wasn’t in love with him. Oh well! Such is life with social anxiety, plus men sort of scare me.
But that’s my experience with romantic matters sans advice. I’m lousy at giving advice anyway as you no doubt could tell the times I’ve ventured my opinion on things.


Insane?! Misguided, uninformed, obtuse, blind to nuance or tone… perhaps. But insane? Wow, DUDE.

You want a story? OK, here goes — but first, let me say this. As every therapist, TV or otherwise and every self help book has reiterated, and I think that Violet Flame would agree, if you keep attracting the same experiences with the same people, it’s time to look in the mirror and ask yourself what lesson am I NOT getting? And what steps do I need to take to create a better future and not recreate the past? And telling yourself that men are dogs/douche bags or that women are insane/gold diggers/ whatever is NOT a way to move past your psychic roadblock. You need to be able to visualize a different future and believe that you deserve it. Because part of the problem of attracting douche bags/insane people is that some part of you thinks that they’re sexy/exciting/charismatic and that someone that would treat you decently will be terrible in bed/boring/mousy. It’s about getting the mental/emotional equivalent of getting laser eye surgery.

So, my story. If you looked in a book on co-dependents, you would see a picture of my face. There’s actually a book that reworks the 12 Steps for co-dependents and I own it. I refer to it. A lot. The guy was a wannabe actor; he ended up being a lawyer. Same talents, different venue. I met him because I was hanging out in the theater department with my girlfriend, who was studying acting at one of the local colleges. I never did because I realized early on that although it was fun, I wasn’t HUNGRY for it. And you have to really want it if it’s your path. Anyway, he looked like a cross between Pierce Brosnan and Tom Selleck. And his voice… it was a bit like Timothy Dalton’s. Almost like a velvet purr at times. Beautiful enunciation. I was smitten. Me and almost every other female in the department and probably a lot of the men. We started dating. He had no car, so I drove. (When his wealthy distant father decided to reestablish his relationship with his son and daughter and bought son a sports car… I rode in it ONCE.) When we went out to eat, we went Dutch. When I didn’t want to go to the dance club that everyone frequented and he did, I would sit outside in my car until he decided whether or not he was going to stay and hang out with friends or leave with me. 15/20/30 minutes, sitting in the car. We ran into his mother and his step-father one time and he proceeded to have a conversation with her as I stood beside him — and HE NEVER INTRODUCED ME. I was dying by inches. My friend didn’t hate him but she hated the way he affected me. I had no sense that I was getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop. After all, he chose ME. Out of everyone else. And he was SENSITIVE and incredibly smart — he read Heidigger, studied philosophy, don’t you know — and yes, talented.

Meanwhile, I’m in a crappy job. I’ve tried over and over again to get transferred and can’t because NO ONE wants my job and once you’re in — they won’t let you out. So, I get so depressed that I end up in a sanitarium. Two alcoholic parents didn’t help, either. Since I signed myself in and I live close by, I was allowed to go home on the weekends. My first weekend out after the month long sequestering that everyone goes through, he and I agreed to meet at the dance club but somehow we missed each other — he swore that he’d been there. I got home and called him and he was all apologies. Wanted me to come back downtown. So I did. And in the little vestibule of his apartment building, before I could ring the bell to his apartment for him to buzz me in, I was attacked and raped. Bizarrely, I was very lucky. Lucky n the same way that one of the cops said that the car accident that I was in, that totaled my car, was “the most minor three car accident” that he had seen.

To his credit, my BF called the police, who told us to come to the police station. So he took me there, where he waited with me for the police surgeon to come and examine me. I drove myself home. I went back to the sanitarium Sun. evening. He never called to check up on me. He said that he didn’t know what to say to me and that it was very hard on him. And I continued to see him. And after being in the sanitarium for three months, I got out and still continued to see him. Less and less. I got some self-respect and I got angry. I decided that I deserved BETTER. That I deserved to be treated at least as good as I treat other people. But it was a death of a relationship by inches until the shreds fell from my hands.

That was some time ago. I’m STILL not where I want to be. I look at my friends and wonder if I should have settled. But I truly believe that when GOD is ready to send my soulmate to me, that in will happen in the right time. I’m not with someone because I’m not ready. And perhaps God is protecting me from myself. I have more to learn. But I AM learning and growing. And I do not look back with nostalgia at my past relationships because THEY ARE THE PAST. And I want to keep my face turned to the future while living in the NOW. I may not have got the whole thing sussed but I know a hot mess when I see one, and baby, you and JB were a hot mess.

Like you once said to me, darling, you don’t know ME. Oh, and the guy… I was told that he married someone who looks a lot like me. He’s a NYC Park Av. lawyer. And guess what? I don’t care. He was a fantasy I sold myself. I’m not selling myself short ever again. Emmis.



I don’t think it is addictive behaviour to have both compassion and deep anger toward someone. Either that or I have even more addictive issues than I thought :). It took me many years (won’t depress you with how many) to get over my anger with my ex because he had betrayed me and our children in much the same way you and J’s girlfriend were betrayed. Hopefully J wouldn’t stoop as low as to steal his own children’s furniture and give it to the most recent fuckbuddy. At the same time, I knew him so well that I could understand why he was such a horrible human being. Years later, doing research for a paper, I came across an article that explained a lot about people who had childhoods like his. My anger disappeared and the compassion grew. The really hard part now is to watch my grown children struggle with his abandonment of them.

Duncan, I am so glad you are taking care of yourself.

And Lisa, a big hug for you.

having someone hurt you , that you’ve loved is quite possibly the worst pain one can go through. My first husband( I call them by numbers now) burnt down my house when the kids were still small. Luckily, no one was hurt but he killed one of my dogs. Hows that for insane? I’ve developed a healthy fear of crazy people, but that didn’t stop me from becoming a meth addict for a spell. Anotherr ride on the crazy train. Now I have a aversion to anything resembling a relationship and tend to run as soon as he wants to be serious. Either that or monogomys over rated. Haven’t made up my mind yet. Just staying clean and sober and a good parent and person is work enough, I won’t go back to where I was, lifes too short and there’s still so much to do. Maybe one day I’ll be ready..maybe your just not ready either D. Mazel tov

bout time you took care of your cajones too, I hope you have a beautiful day tomorow, have some great coffee and take lil dog for a walk . 🙂

Thank you, Moira.Same top you!

Amanda, hope they caught the guy. If I had been the BF I’d never forgive myself. The fact that he left you is enough to show he’s a POS.

Since we’re hanging our linens out to dry, my shrink said I ‘present’ like someone who has been abused. If it’s true I don’t remember it, thank heavens! My mother says when I was 6 I told her that someone let me touch him. I don’t remember saying that and all I remember is seeing the guy’s thing hanging out of his shorts and me asking what it was (I was 4 at the time, so I didn’t know men were different from women). But the weird thng is i only remember him tucking it away as his wife came in the room. I could have just told my mom something and she misunderstood. We were 3 states away from where we lived when I was 4, so I guess I could have told my mom when we were ‘safe.’ I don’t know honestly. I have another weird memory, which my mom thinks might have just been a dream, but I don’t know. I was choking on a big lime green piece of candy and I swear I think he taunted me and when I got it up and out of my throat and onto the groundm, he was was like” now look what you did and told me to go back inside. I honestly don’t know if any of it’s real. I get a bit upset when I start wondering if it’s true and junk. It could all be my imagination and I worry that it was all my imagination and I didnt tell my mom the truth when I was 6 b/c I dont remember


First, (((Hugs))). Second, the BF didn’t leave me at the police station; he did have the decency to stay with me and then after the examination, he drove me back to my car which was parked in front of his place. I don’t remember wanting to stay at his place. I think that I really needed to be in my own home and if he’d driven me home — although I don’t remember him offering — I would have had to explain to my parents why my car was left downtown. I didn’t want to have to deal with telling them what happened right then. Although I eventually did.

I don’t know if he was ever caught. Although I looked at mug books while waiting for the police surgeon, after I went back to the sanitarium, no one followed up with me. At least that’s what I thought. A YEAR later, two detectives knocked at my door to tell me that they thought that they might have found the guy. I was furious and I told them that I’d spent a year trying to forget what happened because I thought that I had been forgotten. That I had tried to erase the guy from my mind and that I couldn’t be sure of an identification. I asked them why no one had followed up on my case. They told me that a month or so after the incident, detectives had shown up at the sanitarium to speak with me AND THEY WERE TOLD THAT I WAS TOO FRAGILE AND THAT THEY NEEDED TO LEAVE. NO ONE EVER TOLD ME THAT THE DETECTIVES HAD BEEN TO SEE ME. EVER.

I almost said “Damn them to hell”, the people at the sanitarium that is, but maybe they had my best interests at heart but since I was strong enough to report being raped and to sit for HOURS looking at mug books until the police surgeon deigned to show up, it would have been nice if they’d believed that I was strong enough to follow up with the detectives. Of course in the “having my best interests at heart” department, this was the same place where when I let it be known that I wanted to sign myself out before not quite a month in, I was taken aside by a psychiatrist, who wasn’t even MY therapist and told that if I tried to do that, that I would be involuntarily committed to a state facility. Not the private hospital where I was but a scary state facility. NICE. That’s just one story of therapeutic abuse. And believe it or not, I still believe in the benefits of therapy and God did send me a WONDERFUL psychologist who really pulled me through another — what they say in the South – sinking spell. If I’m not a quivering, weeping wreck at this moment, feeling like a little abused kid that just woke up in a grown up suit, it’s due to him. Because I literally would shake like a leaf to the point my teeth would chatter and tears would stream down my face until my blouse would be soaked. I forgot what it felt like to feel adult competence at living life. I really felt like a scared little kid. Part of me knew better but it was like those were someone else’s memories.

I don’t know if the guy the detectives found was “the guy” or not. I hadn’t entirely erased him from my mind. Just enough to know that I couldn’t make a positive ID. I screamed inside a lot about that. But it’s the past. I really try to stay in the NOW. Like the Eckhart Tolle book.

As for your memory… I’d say bring it up with your therapist. See where it leads you, if anywhere. Whatever you do, don’t beat up on yourself. Even if it was a dream, it seems to have power and those kinds of dreams or imaginings are your mind trying to tell you something. Maybe not what appears on the surface, but something. A lot of my childhood is blocked but I as well have some creepy memories. Nothing outright sexual but creepy. When I’m ready to deal, I’m sure that I’ll be able to access more. I’m just trying to maintain having moved past the shaking like a leaf and weeping stage.

And Holly, I totally get where you are. (((Hugs))) I’m alone and celibate now, but for a long time in between slightly better but still co-dependent relationships, I was a lot like Jenny K.. Without the successful porn star/entrepreneur part. Loved sex but unlike Amber, I didn’t care if anyone called me in the morning because I — with few exceptions — didn’t want a relationship. Jenny K. said that she had walls. Can I ever relate to that.

We’re all works in progress and with God’s good Grace, we’ll keep progressing with a minimum of bruises on our hearts.


I read Duncan’s blog because I know him and like to keep up with what is going on. Lately, I browse through his powerful writing to get to the responses. Amanda, I have enjoyed your compassion towards Duncan and also believed you were too emotionally attached. Reading what you have written on this post shines a whole new light on who you are. What a horrible ordeal to have gone through. I too can relate to being attracted to charismatic, unavailable men. Through many years of psychoanalysis I have come to discover that I am attracted to my Mother figures that I then act out my childhood depravation on these poor men. I always leave with lots of drama. I now don’t act out with or attract these sort of men, due to being a 49 year old in Los Angeles who has gained sufficient weight to keep them at bay and support from people I surround myself with. It brings me peace of mind, so that I can focus on what I want in my life. It is lonely being single, but far better than transferring my needs and wants onto someone who isn’t available. As far as Mother, I have learned to love her for who she is and pity her for her inability / fear of connection to those who love her unconditionally.
Facebook has been a great tool and insight into who I have been attracted to in the past and the relationships I used to form. I have 5 ex boyfriends as friends. As someone who is now emotionally detached from them I can clearly see the patterns of behavior that used to hook me in and intrigue me. It has been healing to know I now don’t want to engage in this. Some friends believe I am lacking in my life because I remain single and don’t have relationships, but the society we live in prefers us to be in family units. It is safer and less expensive for them. Having a community of good friends to surround yourself with and that you trust explicitly is very important to me today. I finally can say I love my life with its financial hardships and difficult feelings to endure at times. For those of you who don’t know Duncan personally, l’il dog was a mean spirited, biting, fearful terrier when he arrived, I suggested that he get sent back, but Duncan has loved that dog and cared for him. Now l’il dog is the happiest dog on the planet.

Thank you for your kindness. I didn’t want to leave the impression that I was totaled like my car. The bizarrely lucky part was that I was pretty much unscathed physically. Psychologically… starting from when I literally froze like a scared rabbit when I felt something sharp at my neck and just followed orders like I was in some sort of trance with part of me observing — not so much. I mean in a twisted, dark, gallows humour way, it’s almost funny. In the midst of a breakdown, on leave from the sanitarium and THAT happened? It was almost as if I was being tested to see how much I could take. But I’m still standing, as they say. And although I am now by myself, I have hope that as I heal myself, I will attract another person who is doing the work as well. And that as we love and support each other, we will continue to heal and grow.

Since Duncan and everyone have been talking about the problems with being in relationships, I was trying to remember the name of a wonderful book, that was gifted to me and I finally found it today. It’s called “Birth & Relationships: How Your Birth Affects Your Relationships” by Sondra Ray. A review is here: and although Dr. Janov of primal therapy fame does not believe in the power of affirmations, many, many therapists and healers do. There is also a website by a Dr. Joseph Mancini, Jr., a transpersonal hypnotherpist, who has an amazing reading list on “Angels, Auras, Beliefs, Chakras, Channeled Works, Dreams, The InterLife, Karma, The Law of Attraction, Natal Regression, Out-of Body Experiences, Nature Spirits and Animal Spirits, Near-Death Experiences (NDEs), Shamanism, Spirit Releasement, Spirit Guides, Walk-Ins, and Other Relevant Texts” where the book is listed under “Natal Regression”:
The point of the foregoing is that what our soul needs us to heal is what comes up in our relationships and sometimes it’s really, BRUTALLY HARD. But if we want to grow, transform, heal and be the change that we want to see in the world, we have to heal ourselves first. And there are some who choose not to heal. We’re told that as we get better as with getting sober, that some associations will fall away. But they weren’t for our highest good.
Blessings to all.

Hilary, I can relate to the guilt ridden mother issues. Mine made everyone in the house miserable, especially my poor father who spent his life trying to please her to no avail.
I tried so hard to do it right for my daughter but of course failed in human ways some of the time.I think it made me and my sister kind and ompassionate, especially to helpless animals, I think we are in competition for the most harrowing rescues lol.
I know what you mean about loving the life you are given, I am finally happy with my lot. Over the serial relationships and marriages,I was always trying to please everyone except myself. I am best mates with my partner. If i want to travel, there is no scene, I just go.It is so easy, and like you, all my ex’s are friends except 1, who I still get the shivers of disgust when I think of the lowlife sleaze. We are meant to make mistakes, how would we know whats right otherwise?
I get you, totally.

dating is difficult when you are ill I cant remember when I had a date let alone sex It has been at least 15 years that is wy i toke refuge in getting stoned so I didn’t feel the lonlynes and the Payne the relationships i had were really bad but I really miss loving someone feeling save in someones arms feeling protected and loved being in love is the greatest thing but really scary

Barbara, you are fascinating and intriguing like many of the people who post here.
I guess we all can relate to Duncan through our trials and tribulations. Are you from Amsterdam? not being nosy, well maybe a lttle i read your posts with interest.

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