I sat in my therapy group this morning at 7.30am. A gay man in his early thirties shared his addiction story (drugs and alcohol). He caught my attention when he said that he didn’t come out until very recently because he wanted people to like him and he feared that if he told those he knew that he was gay they wouldn’t.
Pathetic.
If I had heard his story a year ago I might very well have sympathized with him but I sat there remembering that this was Jake’s rationale for not coming out until the end of his twenties.
The desire to be liked has never really interested me, being disliked is far more rewarding, one always knows exactly where one stands. Yet, I think that this desire to be liked may be how a great number of people think. It seems imperative that they are liked even if they have to live a total lie.
To be liked? It seems so desperate. I guess that pathetic JB is getting a whole lot of sympathy from family and friends but especially from susceptible gay men as he miserably tells his tragic story.
Poor Jake knew that he was gay when he was 15 years old, brought up by kindly, understanding liberal parents (why didn’t he tell them?) went to Ithaca University upstate New York (I know out gay men who were his contemporaries) couldn’t come out at Uni apparently because it was a macho uni..he told me that if he had gone to NYU he would have come out earlier….blah blah blah. He then decided to work in the film industry which, as you imagine, is sooooo homophobic. Couldn’t wouldn’t tell a fucking soul…OH..WAIT…he did tell a soul..he told all the men he was fucking because an ‘on the down low’ gay guy is MUCH sexier to fucked up gay men than just a regular gay guy. He learned that very quickly.
When he finally came clean, came out, thrown out of his East Village porn performance pad he was GENUINELY disturbed that her friends, their neighbours didn’t see it his way. Where was the fucking sympathy? Where’s MY SYMPATHY!!!
Even though she tried extracting the truth he STILL couldn’t tell her everything. He continued lying to her even though she gave him ample opportunity to tell her the truth.
Listen, I sit in those therapy rooms listening to men who get caught cheating every single day. How pathetic they become when their world of lies and intrigue is blown apart. It is almost FUNNY how wronged some of them think they are.
I sat in that room this morning loathing that stranger telling his story.
Poor guy, he wanted to be liked so he lied to everyone including his parents and his girlfriend etc. It was horribly familiar.
Fuck you lying addict gay guy. This arrogant raconteur, this self-obsessed, manipulative, entitled asshole. I was just amazed that in this day and age he expected us to feel sorry for him. In 2010 are we still feeling sorry for people who want to be liked so much that they pathologically lie to the whole world?
Jake lied and lied and lied. He took risks with his own and his girlfriend’s health. He set aside his career and his ambition, and when he finally came clean blamed his ex gf for ruining his life because she threw him out of the house.
Want to know something even more damning? He urged me to see it his way.
Most gay men would…but I didn’t. For all of you, like Tres Triste, who want to blame me for his misery just give a thought to how I bullied him into telling that poor girl the truth. Yes, I bullied him into it…because what he was doing to her was cruel and dangerous and one day she will thank me because he would have married her.
Think about HER.
Those of us who bravely told the truth when we were young about our sexuality were made to pay the price.
Before this morning I really hadn’t given Jake much thought. I don’t bother imagining his life now because it doesn’t take much imagination to figue out exactly what’s going on. Jake is an addict and his life’s trajectory is obvious to any of one of us who identify as addicts.
The asshole who commented that I was dragging Jake into my fucked up world forgot, it seems, that Jake in fact dragged me into his fucked up world. A world of lies, deceit, false promises and a desire to be liked at all costs.
That pretty girl squandered her twenties (as well as finding true love) on him, she should sue the nasty little liar for what he stole from her..because it can never, ever be replaced.
Thankfully the $2,000 that he owes me can and will be replaced.
Can you imagine waking up on the eve of your thirties expecting to marry the man of your dreams only to find out that every moment of every day you shared with him was a total lie?
Apparently it was her fault for not realizing that he was a lying. After all, he didn’t have any interest in sports. At the end of October that poor girl has to move out of her home, has to find somewhere else to live. Just because he wanted to be liked at all costs.
The gays will love him. They’ll understand. As long as he’s cute and puts out and doesn’t have any emotions. Oh yes, he’ll fit in with the mediocre, middle of the road, bourgeoise gays..just fine.
It’s still fucking hot here in Malibu. 90somethingdegrees. I feel a bit tense. I feel a bit miserable. I feel a bit powerless..hence I end up blogging about Jake. Somehow blogging about him makes me feel better.
Finally, the guy who shared this morning told us that he is HIV positive because he was taking meth. Oh GAYS! The gays don’t seem to think about condoms when they are high on meth which is great for the drug companies because every expendable gay with HIV is worth $3,000,000 to big pharma.
6 replies on “Please Like Me? Please?”
you are so right how can I react to this there is so much to say,sometimes it is best to say noting at AL so I just say nice legs!! sorry
At this moment, I have also been put in a position where I have found out that I have been lied to. From a logical stand point, I can imagine the many reasons that a person can conjure up for their cheating ways. However, I cannot fathom how the man in my case feels so “wronged”, as you put it (a perfect description). He has been angry that I have ignored him, his calls, and any connection with him whatsoever. There is even denial, in the sense that he cannot understand why I would continue to do such a thing as ignoring him (which is not in an attempt to be annoying, but simply, I cannot take the pain of speaking with him). How can I treat him this way?? What did he do deserve such treatment??
But, above anything, above all of it, it is the indignation he has that I cannot keep from thinking about. I wonder what he has to be angry about, aside of the fact he now cannot live so comfortably within his lies.
I have tried to explain it to others, and they understand the selfishness of his actions, but no one else is close enough to see the most painful part, and that is the lack of “sorry”, because in truth, he believes everyone else should be apologizing to him, including me. I don’t know what the root of this “being wronged” is, or where it comes from, but I believe that it comes from a lack of self, somewhere along the line. A lack of knowing what can make them happy. Thus they are frustrated, angry, and misled people. … but truly, I don’t know.
I have read your blog for some time, but felt compelled to comment today because of how this post reached me- so thank you. As someone who also grew up in the UK, but have spent most of my adult life in the US, I love reading some of your perspectives.
Hi Duncan,
reading your blog today made me feel so sad and sorry for you. Yes … sorry. The bitterness and hate in your blog is clear for all to see. Jake is Jake and you are you. Forgive him. Nobody held a gun to your head and told you to love him. You used him and much as he used you …. unfortunately for you ….. you were the one with the money. Forgive him in your heart and move on and forgive that poor sod at the meeting this morning who didnt tell anyone he was gay for fear of being disliked. That situation needs sympathy, empathy and forgiveness. Not hate from you …… and what do you think all this venom is doing to you? Its making you a bitter and twisted old man. You are not old but you sound like a bitter jealous old man. Lighten up. You went through the experience and you got a lot out of it. You lost $2,000. So what You can afford it.
You remind me so much of a gay man who I thought was a dear friend to me. I had a printing business in Soho, London. I had it for 26 years and one day out of the blue I collapsed and technically died. I had a brain haemmorage (i dont know how to spell it). It resulted in me being in a come for month, waking up and not being able to walk or talk. Being in a wheelchair for almost a year and not knowing what was going on around me. I am also an insulin dependent diabetic and didnt even know who was giving me my insulin. I lost everything but not my house. I lost my business and ended up in big debt. I had know this guy John, who coincidentally was in the film and music industry and quite successful. I had known John for almost 30 years and in that time I had designed and printed leaflets, posters, cards, programmes etc for him and all at cost price. (he was a rich man, however he was my friend). On his 60th birthday I made a fantastic buffet for 40 people, made a huge heart shaped chocolate cake, decorated his lounge in baloons and nick nacks etc. etc…… all for a surprise. What I am saying is that I was a good friend.
When I was getting better after losing everything, he called me and I was crying and saying I didnt know how I was going to survive having lost everything and having worked all my life. I am a poud person and would not ask for anything. He asked me if I needed money. I said no but we talked and during the conversation I told him I owed £600 council tax which was worrying me as they wer thretenening me with bailifs. He said he would lend me the money. He asked me for the address and send a cheque direct which I was extremely grateful for. Days after my friend were calling me and saying that John had called them and given me enough money to save me from losing my house etc. etc. He told everyone and pretended he had given me thousands. I took a loan from some dodgy loan company and paid him back within the month. I sent the cheque with a letter thanking him very much telling him that a client sent a cheque as he owed me for a job which was completed before I was ill.
I didn’t want to insult him and he had helped me but after two weeks I had numerous calls telling me how he had told everyone he had loaned me thousands and saved me from losing my house.
Remember all this time we were the closest of friends. However, I called him and told him that I thought that we were friends and this loan was confidential, yet he had told all the world and it was so embarassing as I had never borrowed in my life … in fact the opposite …. I have always given or shared.
Anyway, he slated me. He called me an ungrateful bitch etc. etc. and went on and on and from that day never spoke to me again.
I did however write him a letter telling him that over the years I had done thousands of pounds worth of print and design and never ever charged him a penny extra and I had never told anyone this fact, yet when I was near dead, losing everything, had two brain operations and was in a wheelchair ….. he wanted to dine out on my misery.
This is exactly what you are doing. I forgave John the minute I wrote and thanked him. You will feel better if you can find it in your heard to forgive and then you will forget the pain.
Dont become a bitter and twisted old queen because this is exactly how you are coming over. I am sorry to be so blunt but it true.
take care
Jeny xxxx
Duncan, hope this video puts a smile on your face – made me laugh anyway..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sN2C4uRW3nA (if the link doesn’t work then view on youtube it’s called “I’m not jumping in – dog”. 2nd one down…
xxx
I had a neighbor a few years ago, when I was bartending. Both of our apartments shared a back yard. He was funny, helpful, HIV positive, and struggled with his Southern, religious ultra-homophobic family who he was also very close to. He did small home repair jobs for extra money while on permanent disability. We had keys to each others homes, I lent him money when his electricity was about to be turned off more than once, stood him for drinks, referred jobs to him when my customers were looking and hired him myself. Slowly I became aware that he was coming into my apartment & borrowing things (dishcloths, pepper grinder, booze, drugs) and ‘never thinking’ to tell me.
OK, lesson learned: this wasn’t normal, I got my key back, stopped lending him money but offered to sit down & help him work out a budget – to try and keep the wolf from the door.
When my back door lock broke, I rigged something up myself – it was an illegal sublet in Manhattan, so I didn’t deal w/ the landlord. I didn’t ask Neal, my neighbor, for help because I didn’t trust him anymore. One day, I was leaving for work while repairmen were working in the yard. I asked Neal to keep an eye on things, he sussed the situation out while I was gone and the next day my hidden money stash was gone. (I was a bartender – cash is king.)
When I realized what had happened, I was so enraged I went over to his apartment with a knife. He wasn’t home, I tried my key – new lock, surprise, surprise.
It has taken me until a few months ago to accept that very painful lesson. I knew better, I took a risk and I didn’t protect myself.
Your blog today brought this up – how long it has taken for me not to be consumed with anger, fury, hate, injustice and desire for vengeance.
Duncan-I have not commented on your blog in a while. Just catching up..have had own troubles to deal with but whenever i come back to read..your words resonate with my thoughts exactly. To be liked is that what it all boils down to? Pathetic. Lovely summer spent relocating with my child once found out my husband had girlfriend for the past year. No thought to my health, or his…and yet when i left and since, for some reason “his truth” is all my fault, in order to be liked. I applaud you for being the one to make the little punk tell the truth. My heart aches for HER. How dreadful. Thank your for continuing to write. I will echo Barbara. Nice gams! 😉