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OK, I Went Too Far

I went too far this time.  Vile beyond description.  Going quietly insane here.  Not so quietly.  Very publicly insane.  Somebody wrote to me imploring me to get help.  I don’t really know how.  The feelings are so overwhelming.  This has nothing to do with anyone currently in my life or recently out of it.    I was reading over my blog pre January and it’s like reading a different person.  I have become madder than the maddest man in madland.  Totally unhinged.

You can read what he/she said at the end of the DEAD WEIGHT blog.  For some odd reason it cut through everything and made sense.  I took notice.  8.43pm on Monday night I am taking notice.  I dread the morning when the fear sets in.  The fear and loathing.

You have to believe me I am battling with terrible demons at dawn.   Lost and empty.

Trying to juggle everything so I can get back to London and go to hospital.   Perhaps it’s just time to let the balls fall where they may and leave.

What he/she said about Jennie and the big dog was accurate.  I make myself vulnerable and then I punish those about me who see it.

Listen, I’m not trying to excuse myself.  Today there are no excuses for my behaviour.

I’m just trying to work it out.  Trying to navigate my way back to sanity.

There is no therapist.  I just have to accept what is happening and go home.  It’s time..but I’ve said that a million times.  It’s time to buy goats or leave a situation or..well..there are millions of examples of just how I say I want to do something then I never do it.

Rather flagellate him I flagellate myself.  This wasn’t how it was before.  I can read the difference between me then and me now.

I would really like to cry but I can’t.  Too many tears shed for nothing.

It’s amazing that in less than three weeks I will be celebrating a sobriety birthday.  Huh.  Perhaps I should just say I have one day.

The pain in my balls and back is getting worse but I think that this might just be in my head.

What would it mean if I just took one drink?  If I could drown these terrible feelings of loathing (and self loathing) I am overcome by?

A day off.  I want a day off from Duncan Roy.

18 replies on “OK, I Went Too Far”

We all at some point require time away from our “self” to spend time with ourself, no hoopla, no glitter, nothing pretty just us.
I’d say if you can view the change in yourself that is the main thing. Differences for the better sometimes are seen by yourself far in advance of when they are seen by those around you. But just acknowledging the difference is sometimes the biggest pain in the ass cos you’re left acknowledging yes I’m here while at the same time looking back at I was there.
As hard as it is to go back, it’s a constant in life that whenever you seek to advance you can’t move away from without periodically looking back to see how from from it you are.
Take time off from your “self” but find something else to do with it if you don’t want to go back to the self you were.

Dear Duncan,
A “day off from Duncan” might be to cut to the chase and do whatever it takes to get to London and get healthy. Does anything else really matter?
I know the last thing you need is more advice–that comment at the end of Dead Weight says it all so well(and made clearer to me the niggling feeling that I have been co-dependent here),so I will just say goodnight, and I will hold you in my prayers.

sorry Duncan, but as much as the other poster feels the need to ‘call you out on your shit’, he doesn’t know the full context of what happened between you and Jake-nobody does, except…well you and Jake. Don’t let what someone else says diminish your pain, you own it and have a right to it. None of us here are sage worthy, intellectually or intuitively enough to pass comment on your life-we just have internet access.

Go home to old blighty by all means, but don’t knee jerk it.

Just look in the mirror Duncan – you are fabulous and not seeing it! I had such a great time with you today. Trust me, I would not drive that far for someone vile. “We are not the sum of our mistakes.” Get yourself healthy, and lets have a giggle together again.

you are quite correct in saying that what you’re going through has nothing to do with current day

you say you don’t know how to get help, you say there is no therapist

when the student is ready, the teacher appears

i would be happy to help you for free by phone

i am a spiritual mentor and your life makes total sense to me. i have been through the demons and loathing and flagellation. yet, key, key, key for me was the psychotherapy training and therapy i underwent. i also studied and applied many complementary healing modalities that helped when my body was screaming at me to pay attention. today i know for sure that the body never lies.

you are brilliant already and with a few little tweaks in perspective, you will see the absolute brilliance of what is happening to you as the gift that it is

please, look in the mirror and ask yourself, after Jake, can i trust this offer of help, no strings attached for what it is?

if so, contact me (let me know if you can see my email, i’ll check back tomorrow)

i have watched you suffer i guess since last year sometime and could see all of what you are going through coming around the bend. you see, certain patterns of healing are so predicatble, one can bet money on them once understood and appreciated

it’s all good, duncan.

michael o.. “leap” is a reference to having the courage to push thru. a previous message to duncan.


I read Tres Triste’s comments at the end of “NO MORE DEAD WEIGHT” and commented. But I’ll say again, that even though as Moira said, I perhaps — no, not perhaps — SHOULD have called you on the intensity of your rage and the collateral damage that you were causing to JB’s girlfriend and family, HE, was the one who targeted a vulnerable person. He told a love starved, relationship starved man, that he LOVED him — and then played him like a fish on a line. HE could have walked away at any time. But he didn’t. Just like he didn’t tell the truth to his girlfriend. Not because it was so damn hard to tell the truth and because he’s so damn sensitive but because she was still useful to him. And telling the truth would have — and did — end her participation in the world according to Jake. And don’t forget that he waited until he knew that he had a hook in you. You’ve both behaved very badly. But he began the tango.

You didn’t MAKE yourself vulnerable with Jennie or anyone else. You ARE vulnerable and I think that you see that as a weakness and THAT’S why you summarily eject people from your life, like Jennie, who’ve seen you vulnerable. You despise it in yourself. You were a vulnerable child… and look what happened. You were vulnerable with Jake… and look what happened. But vulnerability IS NOT a weakness. But it’s as if you don’t know how to have healthy boundaries. Or sometimes, any boundaries. You will learn that you can trust angels like Jennie and will learn to recognize pirates like Jake.

By being able to acknowledge where you are and the truth of what Tres Triste said, you are on the road to healing. You will find a way to make living amends. You can apologize to JB’s girlfriend and family here. In your goodbye e-mail to JB that you posted and took down, you really DID try to end it with grace. Would all this be happening if he had let it go? Released you with the same acceptance and grace? If he hadn’t e-mailed you back? If he had just kept silent? He knew that you were wounded and on top of that, going through the trauma of your health crisis. And it IS a trauma. Yet he chose to answer your e-mail in a way that was like twisting a banderilla in a gored bull. He wanted to keep the game, his game, going. Or at least have the last mean-spirited word. Because he wasn’t ready to end it but you did. Do you get that? In his world, he’s the one who gets to walk away. So he had to send a slap by e-mail. But now the battlefield has cleared. You can walk away. For both your sakes. AND DON’T LOOK BACK!

You are trying to be — and I think at most time, succeed in being — a good man. No one is at their best when they’re vulnerable. Being hurt entrains all the old hurts that haven’t been dealt with and healed. This is your opportunity to get yourself healed in body, mind and spirit. If you don’t see a way out of the things here that need to be cleared up, PRAY EVERY DAY, EVERY HOUR IF NEEDS BE, for God to show you the steps you need to take and the path that you need to walk. I know that you’re tempted to say screw it and just blow town and let the chips fall where they may. Even to your detriment, but that’s just another way of letting your ego have it’s way and not letting God direct you in his time and in his wisdom, not in yours. Remember what you wrote about the 12 Steps and putting “mind” where it says alcohol in the Big Book. Let go and let God.

You haven’t cried for nothing. You CAN cry. It’s NOT weakness or self-pity. LET yourself cry, Duncan. For all the times that you couldn’t when you were waiting for the terror in the night. For all the times that you loathed yourself for precipitating it as you said that you did when you got older to take back some control of a nightmarish situation. For all the times later on when you re-enacted your trauma. For all the people you hurt. For all the apologies that you never made. For all the healing that never happened because the apologies came too late. CRY. Forgive yourself. Forgive them. And release all the pain that you’ve held dammed up in your heart and head. The pain that’s almost damned you. Release it. And the gift of Grace that you’ve been given, will fill the empty space that’s left. You won’t feel like a dried out husk anymore. You will feel green and renewed. And Love will find you in it’s time.



Dear Duncan,
dont you dare have just ne drink. Not even a sniff. What …… do you want to fuck your entire life up over some stupid boy. Nobody put a gun to your head and told you to take him on. Nobody twisted your arm up your back and told you to give him money. You did it all and you enjoyed the time. He as gone now and put it down to experience but dont start drinking. Its bloody pathetic. I read your blogs every day and you have become bitter and twisted.

The scenario has happened to almost everyone on the planet, including me. It hurts. It bloody hurts but you have to move on. In your case …. move on without drinking. Dont be such a bloody food. You write as though you want everyone to feel sorry for you. What about him. I am sure he has sadness too. He couldnt have been through it all with you and not had feelings. I dont believe he is as bad as you make out. It takes two. The difference is simply this. You were the one with the money.

Get yourself back to england before you balls drop off. Please. Why I care for you – I dont know. I see you as some poor little puppy. Is that the image you want to portray. Just because you are a gay man, you dont have to act like a complete pussy.

Grow up. He has gone your money has gone but you are left with a life, houses, money and a career and lots and lots of friends. Count your blessing and stop talking about him every second. Its boring but people wont tell you that. They will humour you and cuddle you and say ‘poor Duncan”, then behind you back will say “when will he stop going on about that fucking boy”.

Come on now …… the sun is out. Get to London and get you balls sorted out and you will feel relieved and reborn.

Sorry to be so blunt but someone has to tell you

with love

Jenny xx

hi duncan I am sorry to tell you this YOU ARE JUST HUMAN don’t be so hard for yourself everyone looses themselves sometimes it doesn’t make you less of a person I have never seen a men with so much self knowledge as you and you are very loving for your friends and for your dogs and that is Wat is most important in life. I have much respect for you and that wont change wen you are in a bad place so hang in there!! love barbara

WHen I feel my life is going to the shithole. I want to drink and get shit faced to the point I forget who the fuck I was. But then I think of the consequences of my actions, the sorry drunk dials made to my ex love. Of how embarrased I felt the next day, the shame, the guilt. I think to myself no fucking way, no drinks for me for today. Maybe tomorrow…

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.

And I am not talking about the painting…you stop that right now. That’s provocative, you know a drink won’t give you a day off.

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