I went too far this time. Vile beyond description. Going quietly insane here. Not so quietly. Very publicly insane. Somebody wrote to me imploring me to get help. I don’t really know how. The feelings are so overwhelming. This has nothing to do with anyone currently in my life or recently out of it. I was reading over my blog pre January and it’s like reading a different person. I have become madder than the maddest man in madland. Totally unhinged.
You can read what he/she said at the end of the DEAD WEIGHT blog. For some odd reason it cut through everything and made sense. I took notice. 8.43pm on Monday night I am taking notice. I dread the morning when the fear sets in. The fear and loathing.
You have to believe me I am battling with terrible demons at dawn. Lost and empty.
Trying to juggle everything so I can get back to London and go to hospital. Perhaps it’s just time to let the balls fall where they may and leave.
What he/she said about Jennie and the big dog was accurate. I make myself vulnerable and then I punish those about me who see it.
Listen, I’m not trying to excuse myself. Today there are no excuses for my behaviour.
I’m just trying to work it out. Trying to navigate my way back to sanity.
There is no therapist. I just have to accept what is happening and go home. It’s time..but I’ve said that a million times. It’s time to buy goats or leave a situation or..well..there are millions of examples of just how I say I want to do something then I never do it.
Rather flagellate him I flagellate myself. This wasn’t how it was before. I can read the difference between me then and me now.
I would really like to cry but I can’t. Too many tears shed for nothing.
It’s amazing that in less than three weeks I will be celebrating a sobriety birthday. Huh. Perhaps I should just say I have one day.
The pain in my balls and back is getting worse but I think that this might just be in my head.
What would it mean if I just took one drink? If I could drown these terrible feelings of loathing (and self loathing) I am overcome by?
A day off. I want a day off from Duncan Roy.