Some people come into your life and teach you just what you need to know just when you need it.
Some people take what they need and leave like thieves in the night and one must be willing to sacrifice all that one has for those who have very little.
They would not steal unless they really needed it.
Friends come and go. Those you have loved with such great passion eventually fade away. Old friends die, but remain eternally in one’s heart.
I am grateful that I have had a life enriched by so many. Each and every one of you, whether you like me or not continue to add new dimension and colour to a life less ordinary.
I tread water so that others may not drown.
Can you help me please? Can you show me the way? Can you be wise for me?
Occasionally my Wikipedia page is vandalized. They always do the same thing. They take down all my achievements leaving only the acts for which I am notorious. They underline every cruel adjective ever tossed my way. They remove every kind word or deed.
They want you to believe that I am only bad. That I am only capable of cruelty, vileness and loathing.
I wonder what sort of fool does that? I know some of you have found it very hard to forgive me for merely surviving against the odds. I know that you would like me to end up like Sebastian Horsley: alone and dead and cold. Frankly, when the time comes..who cares?
Chatting with Toby Mott yesterday we concluded that Sebastian maybe more interesting dead than alive. We agreed that the British art establishment ignored his life but will embrace his death.
However I may be rewritten on the pages of Wikipedia the truth is I am all the things I have been described, good and bad. Yet, in my eyes, neither as good or bad as the next man. Why is it so impossible for those who seek to devalue me to own that this might be true?
We are all made of devil and angel.
I may have made errors of judgement, lost my temper occasionally, owed some people some money but I have never raped or murdered anyone. I have never committed treason, nor have I been part of any radical conspiracy.
I have been a bit of a cunt but who the fuck isn’t?
I have no desire for legacy. When I am dead and gone the sand will cover the place where my footprints once were. The tide will wash away any evidence that I even existed.
God save me from mediocrity, from suburban thinking. God help me stay curious about everything forever and sensitive to those I love.
You know, I have never understood why people treat love so casually. When I first feel a connection with someone, when I feel that love is in the offing I am not only inspired but convinced that new love must be treated like a precious thing, as fragile as a Ming vase. If we are truly capable of romantic love then we must treat it with respect. As relationships grow the vase morphs into an old leather football that can be tossed around if needs be.
Time, familiarity, endurance, perseverance all serve to strengthen love.
I have prayed these past few months to be delivered from the worst that love has caused in me.
Have my words far outweighed my actions? It is easy to say that you love someone but maybe the word should never be spoken. Love should be like a silent film. If I truly love you, if my love is pure then you will know it and honor it.
Long chat with my mother yesterday. She sounded happy. The Women’s Institute keeping her busy. My brother’s baby will be christened on August 1st.
9 replies on “A Prayer”
I wouldn’t be reading your blog (I admit it, often more than once a day :)–got rid of my TV months ago :))if I didn’t feel all the good in you. You are on that constant journey of sluffing off the scar tissue and growing into new skin that is more tender and vulnerable, loving and loved. The person or people who vandalize your pages are living in their own shadows, too afraid to show themselves in any real way. They are choosing to live their anger, pain, and blame rather than taking real control of their own lives. While it is unfortunate that by making yourself and your journey so available you can be targeted by those scarred and blinkered people, the gift of your journey, to yourself and to the rest of us, can’t be diminished.
Sending you love,
Moira
Oh, Moira. So true. Namaste.
…since I know you personally I will admit that at times you are shall I say….a bit snippy….but who isn’t….and in “Gay Slang” the term “cunt”is used to describe someone being extremely original,expressive,or fantastic in regard to style (fashion or music) or demeanor….cunty or cuntey are used interchangeably often in adjective form. Originated in the Ball culture the term was popularized by the song “Cunty” by drag queen Kevin Aviance….so in the terms of being original,expressive,and having style….Duncan…you are a cunt…..xxoo
Nice save there, dude. 😉
Those of us who admire your achievements and love YOU dont give a rat’s arse about Wiki, it’s a boring read anyway.
What I do know is that you are authentic and honest with us, anyone in any way shape or form who is in the public eye has horrible things said about them at one time or another. At least your cellulite isn’t being exposed by tabloids, OMG now THAT would be upsetting.lol
Me, I think it is better to be talked about than be an unknown entity.Is it because Brit openness and honesty is scary to many who do not understand our forthrightness? where does it come from? I think…. it may be we are confident to let others see the real authentic person or maybe we are thoughtless idiots who tend to put the old foot in the mouth before thinking. In Minnesota, there is something recognized as ‘Minnesota nice’ meaning if you have nothing good to say, don’t say anything at all.I really try to do this but blunt Yorkshire lass tends to elbow ‘nicey’ out the way.
You are a tremendous talent, no, really, you are, you just need reminding after your sensitive soul takes a knock.
love the little dog!
lol@ D bein a cunt ..when he is, hes damn funny tho! and you three are so right, reading D is way better than anything i can do on the internet,its a shame there has to be wankers in the world, but we got your back D.
Duncan,
“Some people take what they need and leave like thieves in the night and one must be willing to sacrifice all that one has for those who have very little. They would not steal unless they really needed it.” Bullshit. Some people are self-absorbed, unconscious shits, who hopefully will be struck by God’s lightening and get a wake-up call. I never got why “sins” like theft, etc., are insults to God. Pissing off our fellow man… right, on board with that but God? God… omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient… oh, yeah, right. Stealing is telling yourself and God, that there isn’t and can never be enough for everyone, so in order to get yours, you have to steal it from someone else. We’re told to ASK and we shall receive. It allows God to work through someone else to bless us and be blessed in return. We connect. We don’t continue in our isolation from God and our fellow man. Thieves don’t get that. Boundaries, dude. Being a good person does not mean being anyone’s doormat. It’s not karma. Excusing someone’s being a thief is not helping them be better; it’s helping them remain lost.
As for your Wikipedia page being vandalized. It’s done for the same reason that other people are abused and other things are vandalized. Prejudice. Malice. Unconsciousness. Arrogance. Self-absorption. Schadenfruede. And you have become more of a target because of the reality show. The caliber of some of the viewers — not all, but some — can be judged by their nasty comments on the boards. I realize that it’s tiring to have to keep fixing the page but why let the bastards grind you down? Some people will not allow for redemption or evolution. It screws with their safe black or white, us or them worldview. Some cannot feel the power of creating anything, so they find power in tearing down other people and other things. Leave them to their misery. The best revenge is living well, so LIVE! Stop treading water, you have the skills to swim. You’ve shown others how to keep their heads above water. Now show them how to strike out and swim out of the riptides of life that try to pull you down. Or just roll over on your back and float for a while. The water will uphold you now that you’ve conquered your fear. The things we fear can empower us if we face them and you have. Then you can strike out for shore. It’s there, so close, the lights of the harbor. See them? The fog’s lifting and the way is clear. And you have the strength and courage to make it.
You said “When I first feel a connection with someone, when I feel that love is in the offing I am not only inspired but convinced that new love must be treated like a precious thing, as fragile as a Ming vase. If we are truly capable of romantic love then we must treat it with respect. … Time, familiarity, endurance, perseverance all serve to strengthen love.” And “If I truly love you, if my love is pure then you will know it and honor it.” but not everyone is awake or honors what’s precious. Duncan, you have such a romantic heart but you devalue yourself. Has it ever occurred to you that your compass may be a bit off as far as leading you to the true north of your soulmate? You want so much to be in a relationship that I think that sometimes you’re like Columbus mistaking America for a passage to the Indies. I mean it was a great find but not what he was really looking for. And with such a unrealistic load of expectations coming to bear, how could it be anything more than a disappointment?
Maybe you need to take the time to reorient yourself and get a better map together of the type of person you want in your life. Not just someone “somewhat” sincere and kind. But someone worthy of the man that you are and are becoming. I sometimes wonder if you really believe that you deserve a great and enduring relationship. I know you want it. Believing that you really deserve it…. I had a friend who told me that becoming sober wasn’t the hard part. It was believing that he DESERVED to be sober. To have a good life after fucking up. And fucking other people up. Get it in your head that you DESERVE in return, all the love that you are capable of giving. That you don’t have to compromise your integrity or your sobriety. That you can have boundaries. Just hold on. Send your wish like thistledown into the air and God will send you your dove. But it will be on his timing, not on yours. Don’t push the river. Float, float on.
Blessings,
Amanda
These are exactly the points I have been making in my replies, you were right, I should not have said “downsize’ your expectations, I should have said ‘RETHINK’ your expectations.
I just read somewhere this quote, and immediately thought of D:
‘Run towards love and it will run away from you, run away from love and it will chase you’
Duncan hopes for love then starts to believe he will never deserve it, therefore destroying the manifestation.
irena