The storm is well and truly passing. The stack of unopened mail on my dining room table can be opened. The Malibu house is now rented for the time that we were going to be there. The bathroom floor can be mopped. The thick LA dust over the marble side tables can be washed away.
I can now turn my attention to Kristian once again. So many beautiful tributes to him on the internet. I like that they have recast him as a film director who also made TV. He would be liked to remembered like that. I have not yet scanned the pictures of Kristian and I. They are very sweet.
I will bake another walnut and banana cake in his honor.
I have a few really important decisions to make which may very well mean that I have to go home, my tail between my legs. Home to London. I don’t feel bad about that. I have had a total blast in LA and as this blog is proof life seldom gets boring.
There was a time before I met Richard, Jamie, Joe, Him, Matt-a moment before we met and that moment has to be reclaimed. Before the note arrives, the stare across the busy club, the man at the top of the ladder, (I can’t remember how I met Jamie) the men who I have been most moved by. I showed Him pictures of Matty and could not remember what it was to love Matty. I can just remember driving in the pea green sports car down the M2 motorway to Whitstable and wondering if I could let him go without damaging him. Like letting a fish go after you have caught it, removing the hook from its delicate mouth and setting it free.
I still remember Richard of course. Richard Green, the great love of my life. Twenty five years ago he was at the top of a ladder outside the Oyster Company in Whitstable. He was wearing tight white shorts and for five exquisite years we explored the world. Tempestuous, glorious years. Of course I never slept with him. Even my mother knew that I loved him and was disappointed for me when he would flirt with girls in front of me.
He would drag girls into the bushes at country dances and return with stains all over his dinner jacket!
Sometimes I would arrive back at my darling cottage and he would be asleep on the sofa. A window broken. I didn’t care.
You know I have 50 intimate pictures of Him and Matty and Jamie but I don’t have one picture of Richard Green. Not one. He is middle-aged now-like me-older and fat and by all accounts a miserable bastard. But if we walked in through that door right now I know that we would begin where we left off. We would have a huge amount to say and do. He was utterly fascinated by the world and I was his willing side kick. He was a perfect love because I had no interest in sex or relationships with other men-I had him and he was enough. He was enough.
Isn’t it funny that I would include Him in the list of those who meant most to me. I think that might change as time passes. I would never have been able to trust him. The next man he meets will not know his story will trust him and love him.
It is a perfect spring day in LA. I am seeing Michelle later and hanging with Frank. I like Frank. Not like that! Not so soon after the last fiasco. Now, it’s Runyon time with the little dog.
8 replies on “The Storm Passes”
*hug*
Duncan….
I started reading your blog after seeing you on VH1 and I want to thank you for opening yourself to all of us and letting us see the absolutely amazing person that you are.
So if no one has told you today…..You’re a beautiful person, thanks for being you.
Your mood seems to have lightened. I’m so glad. I will try not to be so verbose from now on. I need an editor. 😉
It seems that you’ve been yearning for London. Maybe Fate pushing you there is a way to resolve old feelings and old problems. I heard a TV preacher say that we are one person away from who we were meant to be… the whole six degrees of connection thing except accelerated. And then there’s location, in that if the spring has dried up where you are, maybe it’s not time to dig a well, but time to move on. Just a thought.
Blessings.
I’m so sorry about Kristian. What a loss for all. It’s an interesting time in the world. Many people I know are going home both figuratively and literally. It reminds me a bit of after 9/11 and many people moved back to where they came — home base. Take time to reflect and think about where you WANT to be, not where you have to be or think you should be.
Did the living ‘off-of the grid’ project go away? I was really excited to hear about the goats and the watch-horse.
Duncan, you are worthy of being loved. But, if you never find “the one” then have you really, really lost anything? No. You have friends who obviously feel you are worthy of being loved. But ready to be loved? That’s another issue.
You know, I think the relationship with Mr. NYC may have just come too soon. My opinion, obviously, but I have to wonder if there wasn’t just some part of you that said, “O.K. It’s been long enough. I need a relationship.” It’s the part of you that has habitually had a relationship. I wonder if you don’t gravitate toward people who you know you will either hurt, or who will hurt you, all because you don’t feel worthy of being loved.
When I was lonely and longing for a man to love, someone once said, “become what you want to find.” So, I worked on being honest, sincere, funny, caring, loving, informed–all those things I was looking for.
Maybe it’s just time to learn to like Duncan again. Start completely over with that project –without the endgame of winning a lover. Just learn to like and appreciate yourself without an ulterior purpose.
Most of all, take care of yourself. I’m praying for your peace, happiness and recovery. God bless you.
I agree with Chicky in that it’s kinda like “Become the change that you want to see in the world” rewritten as become the healthy man who will attract a healthy relationship. We are all works in progress. You don’t have to wait to be perfect, no one is. Maybe that’s your problem in that you still expect perfection from yourself but you’re more tolerant of imperfection in others now.
Emmet Fox was integrally connected with the beginnings of AA and trying to remember the name of one of his books, I searched and found this essay on him & his ties to AA By Igor S., Hartford, Conn., in the February 1996 AA Grapevine in which he says:
“Perhaps the fundamental contribution of Emmet Fox to Alcoholics Anonymous was the simplicity and power of “The Sermon on the Mount.” This book sets forth the basic principles of the New Thought philosophy that “God is the only power, and that evil is insubstantial; that we form our own destiny by our thoughts and our beliefs; that conditions do not matter when we pray; that time and space and matter are human illusions; that there is a solution to every problem; that man is the child of God, and God is perfect good.”
Central to New Thought philosophy was the perspective which saw that love and personal forgiveness were the keys to fundamental transformation: “Love is by far the most important thing of all. It is the Golden Gate of Paradise. Pray for the understanding of love, and meditate upon it daily. It casts out fear. It is the fulfilling of the Law. It covers a multitude of sins. Love is absolutely invincible.”
Fox went on to say that forgiveness was an integral part of the Pathway of Love, “which is open to everyone in all circumstances, and upon which you may step at any moment – at this moment if you like – requires no formal introduction, has no conditions whatever. It calls for no expensive laboratory in which to work, because your own daily life, and your ordinary daily surroundings are your laboratory. It needs no reference library, no professional training, no external apparatus of any kind. All it does need is that you should begin steadfastly to expel from your mentality every thought of personal condemnation (you must condemn a wrong action, but not the actor), of resentment for old injuries, and of everything which is contrary to the law of Love. You must not allow yourself to hate either person, or group, or nation, or anything whatever.
“You must build-up by faithful daily exercise the true Love-consciousness, and then all the rest of spiritual development will follow upon that. Love will heal you. Love will illumine you.”
I hope that this helps.
Blessings.
Duncan,
I hope that your spirit is lifted today & filled with Light. I missed your daily entry but I’m glad that you’re away from your tech & the temptation to let your fingers walk away from your keyboard & your blog site. I hope that you’re having a marvelous day. I almost said have had so far. I keep forgetting the 3 hour time difference. You’re still burning lots of daylight where you are. 🙂
I hope the stars shine gently on you this night & that you have very deep restful sleep.
Blessings,
Amanda
Duncan, Glad you are coming out into the light it is a good place to be. It sounds as if you have had some amazing relationships that have taught you and helped you grow. In life that is all we can ask for. We may never meet the person of our dreams I understand this as well as anyone, but to have had great people in our lives who have helped us in our journey is amazing and a blessing. Being who I am and what I am (Domme) I understand that others are quick to judge without getting to know me they expect me to be a certain way which is not usually who I am. I am so glad that you are letting us know the true you which I think is an amazing growing experience for not only you, but us as well.
England may be calling you, and it may be another great chapter to begin look at each new day and experience as a chance to grow.