Death Gay Love

Normal People

Dinner with Anna in Los Feliz.  We discussed how focused one has to be to make a film… how determined.  More importantly… we both really have to want to make film.   Neither of us are motivated by studio films.

I am in perhaps the most ideal position ever to make another film yet without a script that I really believe in what’s the point?

The same goes for my book.  I don’t want to write it.  I was writing it with him and now he has gone so my interest has burned off like the marine layer over the Malibu Mountains.   Oh fuck.

The problem with the last script?  It is really two films crammed into one… like Siamese twins I have to very carefully separate them.  This requires me being meticulous and I can’t summon the interest.   Where did all the energy come from before?  How did I muster the enthusiasm?

I have lost my enthusiasm for film, for love, for life.

I have been asking normal people about falling in love.

It seems that most people believe that they are worth loving.  I have never felt like I was worth loving.

Tonight I saw a gay couple leaving the restaurant.  One of them was much older than his boyfriend.  My heart sank.  They looked so happy.  Both of them probably believed that they worth loving.  They didn’t come from a damaged place, they hadn’t had their childhood ripped apart by shame, violence, lies, resentment.  I hope not.  I really do.

I wouldn’t wish my early years on my worst enemy.

I wanted to kill myself as soon as I understood that it was possible.  I tried when I was 12, then again when I was 17 and finally gave into the interminably slow suicide that alcohol and drugs offer the committed self hater.

I have a few amends to make in NYC.  To those I sidelined when I met him.   I did a terrible thing.  We both cheated… it wasn’t just him.   I can make a thousand excuses but I am sick of making excuses.

At dinner (crispy crusted pizza) Anna and I discussed pornography.

In search of that authentic moment in the narrative.  Isn’t that why so many people go to such dark places on the internet?  Looking for a moment that is indisputably real?

How could any man ever measure up to what I see there?  Whilst love makes a fool of me I seek solace in pornography.  I prayed again tonight for some sort of deliverance from the obsession.

Send me somebody kind I say-but would I know how to let them love me?

Oh, I have been loved so much-so often.  So many men.  Yet, until recently, I thought that anyone who loved me was a fool.  If I couldn’t love me how could anyone else?  So I thought again about the long sleep-longer than the one I have been awake for.

Down the dark corridor.

11 replies on “Normal People”

Hello Duncan, I just commented on your blog “Blog Comments”. I just wanna remind you again that we are with you. By the way I couldn’t sleep either, and I just saw you posting this blog, and wanted to say hi, and wish you a good night sleep.

Stop over think it and throw your self into another film or project.. Not only will this re-boost your self esteem and cofidence it will distract you from your worst enemy… Your thoughts!! They will still be there but then you will be stronger and able to process them… Withought contradicting myself; allow yourself to be real and greave for you loss but this will pass when someone else passes into your life. Remain open… As the say it is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all!! I carry each and everyone of my ex’s and think of them at different moments in my life… When I’m sad and when I’m happy. I used to think I was cold and empty with no power to feel for anyone but myself; ans i had accepted this was how it was going to be. Now that’s shifted and I feel full in the knowing I can feel and give… This is because I broke my cardinal rule and let my walls down… It’s tough but it’s dam worth it… I realy hope you sort everything out and move onto your next chapter xx sig

hey duncan.. as smart as you are, and as worldly, you are making a critical mistake, a thinking error if you will. you are comparing your insides to other peoples outsides. neither smart nor logically sound.

EVERYONE is worth loving, although i can think of a few that’s a stretch for… and they probably THINK they are anyway.

once, early in my recovery i prepared to ask my sponsor a question about normal people, to whit, what do normal people, and by that i meant normal and healthy people, do when proplems begin to pile up. oddly, i was able to anser my own question even back then, normal healthy people don’t pile their problems up, they just deal with themas individual problems. i still can’t do that, but i think there are drugs now that help with that.

i hope you don’t mind if i talk to you the way i would any other recovering person in my ken.


Hi Duncan. Ah, the committee has convened in your head! The destructive, self-hatred shit we tell ourselves. It’s maddening and it’s just what addiction does, but what I found that helps is to pull out my gratitude journal and start writing about what I DO have in my life. Try and change your focus, it will take some doing to make yourself write it down, but it has helped me for years. I feel for you, and obsessive thoughts are draining, they will drain your spirituality. And remember, this really will pass, just hang on and don’t use or drink. Much love.

Yikes! Synchronicity strikes again via a friend of a FB friend’s page:

“Everything is safer than love.” – John Irving
“Nothing is worse than falling in love.
Nothing is worse, because,
in theory,
nothing could be better.” -Tomas Azulo Fastovsky

I really hope you change your mind about the book, i know id be tickled to read one written by you.{ and trust me reading a book when your dyselexic is no small feat}
So glad your feelin better D. I see in you such grief.. over the loss of friends, the loss of something you so desperatly wanted. Its a hurdle, one many of us have had to muddle thru, myself included.
Its one of the hardest things we have to overcome as humans. I think its G-ds way of reminding us to be grateful for what we do have, and thats ones self.
You seem to have a exactness about knowing yourself, your flaws, your talents. Im rather envious of that.
One day at a time, its all any of us can do.
Enjoy your day since your feeling better..and remember..i want some banana walnut loaf.

Just who is that porny picture person? I like seeing your art and artifacts. Nice photos though.
Cheer up mate, you live in sea and sunshine, me, the frosty outback of Wisconsin.
I think you should make us all Banana and walnut loaf. You are so talented.
Please write the book, on your own, it’s your thoughts we love to read. You promised yourself to write this book, You were not going to co write in the begining so start it today.
We are waiting.

I re-read your short story yesterday A VIEW FROM THE WINDOWS OF THE WORLD. If you don’t write your book I will be pissed off at you!! 8)

You have been/are going through some crazy stressful life experiences right now.
End of a relationship, Death, moving, “re-distribution of wealth,” These are major life events that are all coming at you at the same time. I have been there, and by Divine Intervention (IMO) I am still alive.
I know the lack of desire to write your book, movie etc is depression. I struggled with apathy for a very long time after my breakdown. There are about 8 months or so of my life that I can’t really remember. I was in a trance…a deep deep ugly place. I always felt like escaping. Once I learned that killing myself was only going to hurt those I love, my husband, siblings, my dad etc…I kept a packed bag with my passport and a ton of cash stashed in my rover where the spare tire was supposed to be. I had an ongoing battle in my head with escaping vs. staying present. I feel for you and the emotional battle you are fighting. I wish I could explain the miracle of why I am alive, the story is rather long and I don’t want to detract from your situation. The good thing you are doing even if it is in blog form is you are telling people how you feel. Be sure to tell people who are around you that you trust how you feel and that you are having dark thoughts. Hell call Drew and see if he can get you into a psych hospital if you are really considering hurting yourself. Please know that you are worth loving. I wish I could give you a big hug. Take care of yourself and get the help you need.

Doesn’t the 12 step teach you one day at a time? Lately you write as if what you think/feel is going to go on forever. Stop wallowing in now if it’s only causing you pain. Get back to planning the future.

… oh, and now I want pizza.

I can relate in so many ways about what you are saying today Duncan. When I read that you didn’t think you were worth loving, I thought, “that’s ridiculous! What’s not to love?” Switch places, and the truth is, I don’t feel lovable or worthy of love much of the time. I know intellectually its silly, but deep down inside, that’s how I feel…and I keep attracting people into my life that prove me right.

Your blog today made me realize that ‘knowing’ that we are worthy and deserving of love is the key to peace in all aspects of our life. If you have any ideas of how to get there…let us know. I’ll do the same!

I’m also focusing on writing this week. I have hard deadlines and I’ve been avoiding work for the past two weeks. Talk about stress provoking! So…this week my mantra has been “focus…focus…focus…focus”. You’re blog has been a wonderful break in between my writing sessions. I’m hunkered down, not answering the phone and writing. Thanks for providing the breaks that I need!

You’re writing is beautiful. I love the short story you wrote about 9/11 from your character’s perspective. I felt every emotion when I was reading it. I also thought it would be a an incredible 1 man play.

Anyhow, hope the darkness lifts soon. I know it will. Be kind to yourself and know that you are VERY worthy of love.

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