Listening to Joni Mitchell.
I miss thinking about a future that includes someone. I am so sick of facing every trial on my own.
If I had to write a description of a perfect man he would have almost fitted the bill. Almost. A little taller maybe, ten years older, not just out of a long relationship.
He was kind. He wanted me. He missed her. He was brave.
Thank you-all of you. You have all been so kind. The kind words, the suggestions, the solution. I tried explaining to him how important this blog is to me. Not only do I get validation and feed back but I get to write my most troubling thoughts and when written down they vanish-as if by magic.
So, it turned out to be a strangely productive day. I had to file a police report-the policeman had seen me on the sex rehab show. I spent a little time up at the house making sure that the tenants are ok. I saw two friends for lunch and I have a conference call regarding my app at 3pm. God knows what will happen next. It’s really not in my hands.
Michelle and Frank for coffee at the café on the corner. Ate lemon bunt cake.
Of course I think about him. He flitters like a moth through my head all the time. I want the best for him-the best does not include me. He has been central to my thoughts for the past few months. He will not simply vanish. I know that he will have time and space to think about his own grief. The end of his long relationship and start afresh.
I do feel sorry for him.
Gay men have hugely intense relationships and an entire lifetime of emotion is often squeezed into just a few weeks. He and I were no exception.
We gays are well aware of this phenomenon, most of us make morbid jokes about ‘gay years’-like dog years, and say “They were together for a year which is like a decade in gay years…”
Sadly, he was not the great love. The truth is: if we had lived in the same city we would have scarcely lasted a month. If I had met him as an out gay man I would have scarcely noticed him at all.
Fuck. I need moth balls.
Off to have dinner now with Jamie and Anna. They are waiting at a table on the sidewalk this balmy St Patrick’s day. I am bleeding from the war.
Kristian will be buried this Sunday in Dorset.
6 replies on “Head Ache”
I have been reading and am guilty of not posting comments to you with the exception of one time. I have no advice or words of wisdom. You are read, heard, and loved in this vortex of the internet, by so many. I wish you so much happiness and health and continued healing. Thank you for your words, for sharing them, as hard as they may be to write, they help many. Thanks for you. I hope your dinner tonight is great.
Your blog is a very significant piece of work Duncan. I only came across it as a result of your original post on Kristian. I must confess to not watching you on television, however I find myself relating deeply to a huge amount of what you write.
It’s bold in its honesty and I can understand why you would be compelled to get your authentic self out there. In a world of so much glossy banality I think the need to present oneself as the perceived “together” individual ensures loneliness – for few of us are that person.
I read this latest post and was moved, I agreed with your thoughts and welcomed you presenting the intensity of gay relationships. The last sentence was like a searing poker, I reacted viscerally.
I don’t know why but I have found myself thinking about Kristian so much over the last two or so weeks. I ponder so much of the why.. The how did it come to that, too many theories, thoughts and ideas to share? Most are inappropriate for this forum anyway.
I feel guilt, loss and shame for so many reasons, the gay community tends to eat its own. So many “worthy” causes, so many people wanting time, so much pressure. The mainstream media looking for the slip, the gay media doing the same. How many soft places to land were there? How many to admit fallibility and be safe?
My thoughts are with you Duncan, feel free to email me if you want.
Nothing hurts as much as loneliness, except giving up hoping.
Please don’t.
The more you learn in these trials, the closer you are to making a right choice, for your own good and forever.
Joni Mitchell spent part of her childhood fairly close to where I live, and she comes back frequently to visit family. We like to think of her as ours. 🙂
It is tempting to tell you about my life without a partner, raising two kids, etc. I think it is enough to say that I can relate! that is one reason that I am happy to be part of your blog community and very glad if we can help.
I wish you an excellent night’s sleep!
Blessings.
I hope by the time that you’ve read this that you’ve had sweet dreams &/or very deep restful sleep. I am writing this at 3:19 a.m. EST as I just woke up after lying down for what I thought would be a nap at 5 p.m., yesterday. My brain must have decided to pull the plug. I admit that I’ve been a little stressed with the upcoming move, then the computer crashing, praying that system recovery would work, re-installing apps from the Internet that had vanished and realizing that some of the stuff that I’d loaded from the Internet & the flash drive that came with the baby computer was really not necessary. (I’ve played “Jeopardy Deluze” once.) I have a bad, bad tendency to hoarding. I installed EVERYTHING on the flash drive under the premise that it would eventually be useful. Not.
Awe ~ we soooooooooooo miss Kristan on our teles in the morning on ‘to buy or not to buy’. Such a sad loss. Last week I went to Keith Bennetts Memorial Service one of the victims of Myra Hindley and Ian Brady and wept buckets. So many young people die too young too soon. Slow down, stand on the beach and watch the tide come and go ~ then look at the prints it leaves in the sand ~ Kristan I think would have found this sooooooooooooooooooooo crazy and probs fell about laughing and made some ironic joke he was awesome