New Blank Document

My apartment looks like an art gallery, paintings neatly stacked and waiting to be sold.  Everything here is for sale.  I am slowly getting ready to move back to Malibu and all that entails.   As I have written previously, my pack rat collection of more stuff is getting me down.  It all needs to be sold.

Last night I decided that I couldn’t see Mr. Darling NYC ever again, that it was doing me in.  Yet, for all the hopelessness there is still an unavoidable truth-we love each other.  What am I meant to do?  Just walk away from what may very well be the best thing to ever happen to me?

I am prepared to wake up alone every morning until he can wake up with me. I loathe waking up alone, alone is not good for a man who obviously has so much to offer.

I long to try something I’ve never had..lover man oh where can you be?

We both have so much.

Up until now I craved a companion on my terms.  After our conversation today I now crave a lover on our terms.  As he was quick to point out-this is not just about Duncan Roy.  My beautiful boy has feelings too, feelings that until today I was ill prepared for.


So what of Malibu?  I would move anywhere if it meant we could be together.  I looked online at houses in Upstate New York, London and Paris.    After our long and emotional conversation I understood just how selfish I had become.  Yet, sometimes you just have to go with your heart.

This morning, after writing yesterday’s sensible blog, I woke up alone and angry.  Angry with him, angry that our fragile love affair could be so easily tossed aside, unless of course I fully appreciated his situation.  I shouted at him.  He burst into tears.

He is lost and terrified of loneliness.   And that description could so easily be mine.

His wracked, desperate sobs silenced and shamed me.

After he tearfully described his fears I knew that things were not as simple or solvable as I had kidded myself.  The thrill of romance will not solve this problem.  Resolve, strength and patience on my part may be all I can offer him.

I prayed for guidance this morning.  God can and will set me straight.  Even if it can’t keep him..straight.

I love a married man.  A married man loves me.  Send in the fucking clowns.

I read a really great blog called Love in The Time of Foreclosure.   The blog charts the ups and downs of a couple facing the loss of their house and staying in love.   Adversity, so it seems, keeps people fighting for what they believe in.

It’s odd how much one can learn about oneself when love is at stake.   I have not really been in love since Matt and I broke up 10 years ago.  The sort of love that makes one desirously wild with anticipation.  Delirious.  Desirous.

Listening to him cry made me love him more.  After all, when one is craving authenticity to hear another man cry is as about as authentic as it gets.

I usually write my blogs when I get up in the morning.  I breach the surface of the new day with a description of the previous day but this evening I am sitting at home with The Little Dog listening to old tunes and eating Swiss chocolate.   Somehow, my darling man crying has settled something deep within me.

All of me, why not take all of me, can’t you see I’m no good without you. Take my lips I want to lose them, take my arms; I’ll never use them.  Your goodbye left me with eyes that cry.  How can I go on my dear without you?

10 replies on “New Blank Document”

This is such a difficult situation, Duncan. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. My instinct is often to follow my heart, but that can lead to heartbreak. Yet, I think of Portia De Rossi and Ellen Degeneres who were both with others when they came together and their love seems so real, genuine and God sent. I hope this is the same for you. I think it is important that the man you love, make some hard decisions. To continue to be a mistress will not make you happy in the end. I hope this works out for you. I am not coming at all from a judgemental place, I’ve been the “other”. My situation ended badly, but it can also have the opposite result. Time and actions will tell you the direction to go, but please do not let the time linger too long. You deserve to be happy and loved by someone who will be there with you!

I understand the feelings don’t evaporate overnight when you have feelings for someone. Just a question, How long does “Mr. Darling” plan to leave you in the back seat? Didn’t you mention he is engaged? I agree he must be upset, with his situation, not being true to himself or to his current lover, or to you but is he ready for this huge change in his life, or are his emotions just a reaction to having you reject the relationship as it is, and are meant as a tactic to keep you around until he makes up his mind about himself?

I am a little mixed up….am I missing something here. Yesterday “Mr Darling” had a girlfriend ” his girlfriend of several years might come bowling home” and later in the blog he had a fiance and now today he is married… this the 3 faces of Eve?…….

Be careful Duncan. If Mr. Darling isn’t being honest with his finance, girlfriend, wife, and it doesn’t sound like he’s being honest with himself, there’s a good chance that he’s not being honest with you.

Great decisions Duncan.
You don’t need complications, you deserve better and best choices for sharing your life and all you have to give. After all you are quite a catch and have no need to settle for someone’s sloppy seconds.It was nice while it lasted, didn’t work out, no fault of yours, ce la vie!
You have your new and exciting year ahead, the art and pieces were from before, will make you money and the opportunity to free yourself from the past. As for missing any of it, you can have delightful fun choosing and supporting new artists, who knows, there may be a lovely someone on the horizon which you would have never met being imprisoned by Mr Darling.
When your new love comes along it will not be like any other love,because you are ready now,you know absolutely waht you want in a man or woman.
Mr Darling was a little hint of what is to come when the planets align and fate takes a hand. You are free to let that happen, how exciting for you, (here comes that Nina Simone song again, singing in my head, its a new dawn, it’s a new day, etc, etc,)
I am so happy for you now you have made the right decision, I had no idea when you wrote about him he was already in a relationship.Not fair to you to even think about a connection, he knew what the deal was and went for you anyway. He had no right to put you under that kind of pressure.
Anyway, have a happy day filled with lovely things to do, I wonder why you don’t go rescue a new big dog? there are so many lovely lovely dogs who would love to live in the ‘Bu.

He is in a relationship and you are the mistress . Have you not been down this road before ? Get with the program Roy , this is not healthy . Love or no love , commited relationships start with two available partners . Love yourself and know you have the right to be in a relationship with someone who can give as much as you can . Selfish , maybe …however , it is selfish of him to asking you not to want . He may be a great man but so are you . What is to say you are not the next victim of his wandering eye ?

I have reread this all again and it really sounds like a bad movie… the scenarios change with the strike of the keys. Duncan….I am not a a therapist but one does not have to be one to know that whatever problem one has (drugs,sex, alcohol) or whatever the addiction may be that this is a very unhealthy relationship. Unhealthy for a person with no addictions… it is not real and I really wonder what kind of reality this really is. There is no truth here…for many different reasons.

finally got around to reading your blog.
call and let us know when you’ll be in malibu,
we are always here for you and we love you.

Beautiful Duncan… you MUST find a way to break from Mr. Darling NYC. In the deepest recesses of your soul you know he is not healthy for you. Mr. Darling is otherwise attached so what does that mean? That means you get the scraps, you get what he has left over. Does he love you? Maybe. Does he love her? Maybe. Does he love either one of you enough to be honest about THE most significant thing in his life? Hell no! He uses you both to fulfill his needs and the saddest part is that if you did not make yourself available to him, he would find someone else. You have a right to be selfish. If you do not aggressively protect your own interests who will? Surely not Mr. Darling, as he is busy guarding his secrets. I have spent a lifetime as a mistress, the other woman, the girl on the side. This kind of relationship is perfect for a sex addict. You are allowed to cheat, what can he say since he’s screwing his wife? Your new found self esteem is soon to be decimated if you choose to stay entangled with Mr. Darling. He won’t be there for your birthday, you’ll be alone at Christmas, and you’ll watch him kiss his wife as the New Year rings in. You’ll wonder why he doesn’t leave her though he professes true and undying love to you, you’ll question your self worth because if you were good enough he’d want only you, you will become pathetic because you will change the structure and flow of your life to suit his needs. While you are still able to think of life without him ask yourself “What happens to me if he does leave his wife? Will he betray me as he did her?” Probably. It’s what he does. Duncan, why have you done all this work to save yourself yet you are so openly opposed to allowing yourself to be truly happy?

Arent you just replaying the same old heart broken story of yours? Falling for a “straight” guy only to be decimated by it later? Arent you tired of this being your life story? Staying with him right now is a horrible decision (for you, for him, for her) and one that is made by someone who has not fully healed. Youve got one foot on a banana peel right now. Good luck.

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