Joe at The Royal Palms Hotel
Luna, who eats everything she possibly can whenever I am vanished from her immediate view, surpassed herself today by eviscerating the packaging of my new beard trimmer. Saves me the trouble I suppose.
We are in Malibu and it is raining torrentially. I love it here on the side of the mountain when it rains. Sitting in a cloud. A waterfall gushes through the property and I poke at it with a stick like I did when I was a kid. Any brook or stream I chanced upon. Everything is sodden. Within a week the hillside will be covered in lush grass and wild flowers and it will feel like I live, for at least a couple of months, in the French Alps.
The lil dog has damaged his dew claw. He is dolefully licking at it avoiding the rough and tumble he usually enjoys when he is here with Luna. Sometime when it is quiet at night and I am walking up the drive I can hear The Big Dog padding behind me and I reassure her that everything is going to be okay. I know that if there is a heaven then she’ll be waiting for me. Speaking of which-that image has totally broken the dream I was having in the car home from Phoenix yesterday. In the dream I KNEW that the ghost of my grandmother was living in Luna so I was being extra nice to her. Odd?
I had a lovely time with Joe in Phoenix. My friend Gabe invited me to a 9-course dinner he threw at a gallery in down town Phoenix so I dragged Joe with me. Gabe is only 24 and very, well, he’s very Italian and devised a huge dinner of gooey burrata and rolled pork and polenta with beef sausages and pasta stuffed with butternut squash and it just kept on coming until we were STUFFED and it was 2am and we headed back to the Biltmore Arizona hotel and to our room through the village of Frank Lloyd Wright inspired cottages. The air was crisp and clean. The beds were huge and comfy. I slept like a log.
The following morning I was forced to buy a paper cup of drip coffee for $5. The Biltmore coffee shop of horrors.
Arizona Biltmore
The hotel was full of people who obviously watch the show and sort of, kind of wondered if they knew me from anywhere. They were all bull built manly men. In other times I might have sought out a little company but I am committed to my circle plan. Hotels, Stations, the streets I bid you all adieu.
We had a delicious brunch at the Royal Palm Hotel on Camel Back Road. DELICIOUS breakfast-very reasonably priced. I had home made Brioche (lemon scented) French toast and chicken sausages. Gabe was very funny and lifted me out of a ghastly depression that started after I hacked a huge irreparable hole in my beard.
Must briefly mention that I received my first (sort of) hate mail yesterday that I thought about posting. It occurred to me that whatever people may or may not think of me good or bad I have to not take any of it personally. In it’s essence it was accusing me of being a fraud that I wasn’t really a nice guy, that I was in fact cruel and heartless. Of course I agreed with everything he/she wrote. As much as I am vulnerable and sensitive I am also angry and resentful. He/She suggested that I could never be available to all the people who wrote to me and of course-he/she is right. I can’t. I can only do my best and just being on TV seems to be enough judging by the huge volume of messages of hope that I receive everyday. I welcome your messages of hope because they lift my spirits.
Did not watch the show last night. Had no real interest. It kind of retraumatizes me all over again watching the therapy. A journalist interviewed me from New York Times about Dr Drew. However much I tell anyone who listens that I think he is a great guy and the show really helped I suddenly had a moment where I realized that I am also supporting the artifice that exists around ‘reality TV’. I have kept quiet about the chronology having been wildly altered. The introduction of the ‘sexy’ trainer deliberately to titillate Phil and James. Kari Ann’s continued inclusion in the show even though she was thrown out after the first week. Drew’s recycling of Jill’s lines when he began to flounder.
Gabe the Chef
I am so glad I did not make Sex Rehab in England for if they do throw me under a bus at least it won’t be a London bus.
Seen so many depressing films lately, The Road, Up in The Air etc. Films that seem obsessed with trying to articulate our isolation. I have no idea what the solution is for that. We have collectively painted ourselves into a corner. Contrary to what everybody else thought of Up in The Air I loathed Clooney’s measured performance-all teeth and pomade.
It’s bloody freezing over here in Malibu. I am going to drive home and make a hearty stew. My balls ache which makes we wonder about cancer..again.
I came here to write but it’s far too cold. Will head back to Hollywood soon. Luna just picked up a glass bowl and smashed it on the terrazzo floor. Bad Luna. Bad dog.
A- Go to the Doctor please. Please.
B- I am looking forward to 7-12 inches of snow in the next 24 hours, wanna trade places haha 😉
C- 18yrs drug free for me, (never drank), and I still have triggers (so to speak). I am glad you already know they are going to be there to challenge you, and for you to turn your back on.
D- GO TO THE DOCTOR, please… pretty please. You are too wonderful to us to just “wonder” about cancer.
**Love**
Duncan,
I wish there was a way this could be a private message, but I could not find a listed e-mail on your blog. So, I have to admit this is a little bit hard to do knowing people may read this.
First off I would like to thank you for sharing your life and journey on national television. It’s got be hard to express yourself to strangers let alone in front of cameras. So, thank you. Really, thank you. You have given me a strength I would not have found in myself alone.
I am 20, on the brink of 21 in a couple of weeks. From what the show revealed, I have a similar dark experience to yours when I was a child. In contrast, however, I have fear of, well, sex, I do not let myself get close to any man. I know that if I were to fall in love with someone, the obvious next level would to be intimate, I have a damaged confidence. It’s a secret I never saw myself admitting or sharing with anyone.
Then, I saw you on the show and I knew I’m not alone. You helped me face a past that I tried so much to bury. And for the first time I told a confidant of mine and they are going to help seek more professional advice. But already I feel a little content with who I am. And the fact is that if it wasn’t for you, I may have kept this painful secret to myself for the rest of my life.
So again, thank you, thank you so much. You, whether you sought out to or not, are changing live, saving lives. You are a new personal hero and inspiration of mine.
I appreciate you, and once more, thank you.
-Lorenzo Gutierrez – San Antonio, TX
You’ve got some nice-looking friends there.
It’s expected that the timeline on a reality show will be hacked to bits, but this Kari Ann storyline is more dishonest than usual. On last night’s show Drew mentions that it is day 16, but Kari Ann was long gone by then.
People are layered, and everybody has aspects to their personality that are harmful to others. It’s obvious to me that you’re compassionate. Your hater is self-righteous and simple-minded.
And sometimes balls just ache.
1) CUTE boys!!
2) my boyfriend is Italian…and they constantly shove tons of food down my throat (my French Canadian family eat nothing in comparison…it’s amazing!!)
3) How cold is it there?? I seem to be at school in the ONLY place in FL where it is below 50, overcast, rainy, and windy consistently…I didn’t think it was possible in FL
4) The truth about Kari Ann isn’t shocking, but it makes it annoying that they kept her…I would’ve rather seen more on the other girls than her B.S.
5) You really didn’t miss much last night…I felt bad for Selma, didn’t care for Shelly from the celeb rehab show my cousin made me watch, and was even more appalled by Kari Ann than normal. It just seems like she was such a distraction.
6) A doctor’s visit may be in order..but not because you’re necessarily right, but you need to have peace of mind…I would think stress and worry over health issues would in some ways hinder your sobriety.
Much love and best wishes!!
I have a question which is probably none of my business but it came out of something on the show. As I understand, you are gay. I believe I read on IMDB that at one time you were connected to women relationship-wise. Last night you and Phil were sitting around talking when Jennie went to go into the bathroom, she was brushing her teeth and you both said you can’t go in there because so and so is having a shower and she said yes I can, etc. and went in. You both said that it bothered you, two women being in their together. It seems that most every straight man’s fantasy is two women together, what confused me I guess is that it seemed to be yours too. Is this part of the addiction? That just the topic of sex or the thought of the act even two women, triggers you? I’m trying to tread carefully here so that I don’t insult you and I hope that’s not too late. So the second part of my question is if you are bisexual and attracted to women as well and that is why it triggered you? I didn’t think the thought of two women together would trigger a gay man the same as two men together most likely would not trigger a straight woman. Again, hope I haven’t offended. It’s just something that stood out for me last night.
Welcome back, Duncan, and thanks for writing.
“Reality TV” really is a euphemism, and I can see why the willful altering of “reality” for dramatic purposes would offend you. Reading the responses, I think few people realize that the events on Sex Rehab happened months ago. All the participants in that show have moved on to other things. In your case, and others who work their programs diligently, you’ve moved WAY on to other things.
Because both my wife and I have traumatic memories of Christmas with our own broken families, we now re-frame the season by watching lots of the most uplifting films and listening to our favorite carols. We also do a lot of volunteering, because this time of year is hard for people who are in need. In need of family. In need of food. In need of self-esteem. Mr. Dickens was right. Beware the two orphans – ignorance and want. As that wonderful story also teaches, it’s not too late for redemption if you open your heart to generosity.
A few years ago we went to London on the hunch that they knew better how to keep Christmas. For two weeks, we went to concerts and shows, mostly in churches for free or small offerings. We sang every day. It really did the trick. We took Christmas back on our terms.
So, instead of the current crop of brilliant downers, why not try:
Scrooge (1951) – The one with Alistair Sim
The Bishop’s Wife (40s)- Cary Grant/David Niven
Miracle on 34th Street (40s) – Natalie Wood/Edmund Gwenn
– or whatever films make you feel warm, loving and forgiving.
and a liberal dose of YOUR favorite Christmas music.
God bless us, everyone!
Duncan,
Cop out. Yeah, most of us know this isn’t a truly intense (and needed) exploration of sex “therapy”. You knew it too when you signed on the show. Your need to put down Dr. Drew…well, okay. Now what do you do with whatever you gleaned from this show? After you tell us (repeatedly) that we aren’t in the same “know” as you?
I would have liked something from any of you in regards to the surfer dude. None of you looked at him as though he might possibly be on par as being a brother or son or some neighbor/kid-down-the-street who has moved your lawn to you throughout the years. I was hoping for a break through with an online blog about this episode. (From Jennie as well)
And this episode? The Phil and Dad portion was brilliant. I wish you Duncan, I and millions of other viewers would have had the same grace…the same response from our dads.
Again, cop out Duncan. There was so much to comment on.
Oh Zelda, did you not read the part where I said that I have not seen the show yet this week? As soon as I do I might comment on james but I think I’ll comment as soon as I am ready. Putting down Drew? Huh? Repeatedly in the same “know”?? Oh dear. As soon as I see the show I’ll get back to ya.
I feel you spinning. I feel something behind your word, I relate, and it scares me. I want good things for you, for me, for the metaphorical ‘us.’ The warriors in this game of life. We got this, Duncan. You got this.
Don’t go to see ‘Precious’ then Duncan. I should have known not to go to an Oprah endorsed movie. Fuck Oprah.
saw ‘Precious’ really loved it. fuck Oprah lol
You loved ‘Precious’? I haven’t seen it, because it seems exploitative…says the person who watches Sex Rehab.
It makes a difference to me, though, that the people on Sex Rehab are real, whereas Precious was author-created. HOWEVER, you say the Sex Rehab was completely twisted around and that the aired version is nothing like real life…so I supposed it’s editor-created?
So, if you did Sex Rehab for the social value (as well as for personal reasons)… do you think Precious has the same social value that Sex Rehab does? What do you think the value of the show is? And/or the movie?
I just picture “Precious” as a manipulative tear-fest…but maybe it’s better than that? And maybe all entertainment is manipulation so I should get off my high horse anyway?
Regarding the ‘reality TV’ bit, I think television has the power to highlight the best and worst of humanity. Though all of you on sex rehab have been through hell, the show shows me that no one is beyond hope, no situation too dismal, no hurt too deep to be healed. Sadly, the vast majority of other programs on vh1 and mtv only appeal to the lowest common denominator. C’est la vie.
What did you think of “The Road”? I can see how depressing it would be if it is anything like the book.
Regarding the epiphany on Sex Rehab. I was just watching episode 5. I had over a foot of snow (San Bernardino mtns) so I caught up with the episodes. When Dr. Sealy said you are in care of the little boy and each time you act out, you put him through the abuse again, over and over. Oh my gawd… what a revelation … so freakin simple and easy to wrap the head around. I love when someone says something that just puts is in simple perspective like that. You obviously do too because you had the same reaction that I had to just some simple words. Good luck to you Duncan. I am cheering for you baby!
Last week I was watching Sex Rehab with my 14-year-old daughter (does this make me a bad parent?)and during a group therapy scene I sighed and said “I love Duncan.” And my daughter, who never agrees with anything I say because she is 14 and I am her mother, said, “Me, too.” Resoundingly. So, Bless You, for being one of the few things that a recovering addict and her extremely sensible and goal-oriented teenage daughter actually agree upon.
How are you doing Duncan. I hope everything is ok with you. I just saw some clips of the show. But I haven’t learned much. It is whenever you get to talk about your life, survival and hopes; that I get to learn and filled with different outlook towards life. Knowing that there is someone out there like me, going through the same things as me, assures me that I am not alone.
Also, I just want to let you know that, we are her to hear your story, and don’t let “hate e-mails” depress you. Let us be your insepiration to come out of your down moments. We need you Duncan, more that you ever know.
While I enjoy your blog I never imagined that it would remind me of a moment that I had pushed as far back in my mind as possible. I was sent to live in Arizona from Texas as teen in a mostly foster-care but partially rehab and protective custody situation as a transfer ward of the State. It was horrible, I spent most of the time sleeping on the street to escape the abuse I received from the families that I got passed around to. At night I would look up at the hotels that twinkled on the mountain sides and I decided that one day I would go to school. I would get a nice house and an SUV. I would return to Arizona, presuming that I would escape, and be one of the rich tourists that got to stay in those hotels and go on trips to the Grand Canyon. House and SUV..Check. College, despite an eight grade education, most of a check as I am a Junior and even got a smarty pants scholarship. I think I am going to give a trip to the Grand Canyon to myself as my graduation gift. I think its time I forgive the past and finish a plan I forgot that I started eight-teen years ago when the idea of nice places gave me the only hope I had.
I know you didn’t set out to remind me or anyone of anything and that you are just posting from your daily life. Thanks for doing postings. You inadvertently reminded me of some important strength that I was starting to forget about.
Hi Duncan, I’ve been watching the show and then found your blog and am excited to be able to write to you and hopefully have you read the message. First, I have to say that the Kari Ann thing surprises/upsets me, though it should be expected that they decided to drag out the drama. Still lame though! I’m glad to hear that there’s a lot more therapy that’s not shown. There are times when I’m so annoyed that no follow-up question is asked, but maybe it was but they didn’t show the answer. Biggest example of this for me was during the messy art anger exercise when Kendra was very upset and said it reminded her of her house. Home when she was growing up, or home with her husband???
You, Amber and Phil are my favorites from the show and I am most intrigued by your story. Because of several things you’ve said in episodes up to this point, I really think you might want to try out hypnotherapy, specifically spirit releasement. This might sound crazy, but considering the possibilities won’t hurt and there’s nothing to lose but much to gain. There’s a book by William Baldwin called “Healing Lost Souls” that I highly recommend. You can also learn more by going to: http://www.spiritreleasement.org/NSITE/index.html
A basic premise is that almost everyone, at least at some point, is influenced by a discarnate entity or spirit invading their space. This can affect the person’s behavior and cause much confusion and self-loathing. You might have a voice in your head that you assume is your thoughts because hey, it’s in YOUR head. But really, it’s someone (or something) else’s and not yours at all. Dr. Baldwin has worked with thousands of clients and some very big patterns stand out that could have directly affected your life.
One is the sexual abuse. Dr. Baldwin found that in every case where he worked w/ a client who’d experienced sexual abuse, a dark force entity was involved and was often transferred from the perpetrator to the victim. This is why many victims go on to become perpetrators themselves. I remember on one of the episodes you said that you feel like you aren’t even there during sexual encounters and having an entity influencing you could certainly cause that.
Another thing is your history of drug/alcohol abuse. Being under the influence makes people more vulnerable to spirit invasion.
Most spirits aren’t out to cause harm and are just scared or don’t know how to pass into the light. Some are even trying to be helpful but instead really jack up the life of whoever they’re glommed onto.
Again, I know this is a lot to consider, but I really hope you’ll do some research and consider signing up for a session with Dr. Baldwin; info for that is on the above webpage. I know you can afford it! =o)
Many blessings,
Maria