I wore a Helmet Lang jacket this evening that I have not worn for years. It felt great. I trotted off for dinner with my friend Dom and his sweet friends.
I was late. As I walked over I ended up on the telephone with you know who. I needed to break things off, or rather recalibrate my relationship with my dear New York friend. Break things was what I tried not to do; he is already a broken man. I failed. I was heavy handed and abrupt. In spite of my best intentions the seething resentment and obsession and mad thoughts spewed out of me because I couldn’t hold them inside for one minute longer.
The day ended thus. I felt free for the first time in weeks.
The day began very badly.
This morning, after the 10-second earthquake, I stood naked in the middle of my sitting room sobbing like a baby because all I could think about was him and all I wanted to be rid of was the thought of him. Our friendship has been so fucking overwhelming-watching him fall apart, pick himself up and be there for him without ever thinking what was best for me.
My fantasy was that a man twenty years younger than me who I met for the first time three short months ago would fall in love, move to LA and get a job in the film industry. How INSANE is that?
I prayed, “Send me somebody who’s strong and somewhat sincere.”
The good news is that tonight, after our chat, I am feeling a little more like myself. I have come clean with those I love and admit that I have been looking at pornography rabidly for the past week-as of old-so intense was the feeling.
Whenever I am feeling vulnerable I resort to my old friend-pornography.
Tomorrow I will try for one day of abstinence. I will try to get through the night without looking at that heaving pile of stinking pink flesh claiming me with so many muscular arms. For the past week I have stuffed my feelings with porn, cigarettes and food.
My flat is dirty, my clothes strewn over the floor.
This is a lesson in unmanageability, I am powerless over…well, fill in the fucking blank.
You see, I thought that I was falling in love but I was just held hostage by intensity.
The past three months have been wrought with emotion-watching someone I deeply care about tear himself and his life to pieces and being judged for doing so by people who fail to understand his predicament.
The point is-his problem is not my problem and I foolishly shouldered the entire burden of his life.
I have choices yet my choices diminish the moment I get obsessed-a hideous chain reaction then unfolds before me: Obsession, resentment, anger. When the pain becomes too much to bare, when I finally get angry enough to reclaim who I really am, then I feel shame for getting viciously angry-then remorseful for how I treated those I love.
My dearest friend I want to thank you for the privilege of watching you be brave. For demonstrating how the truth can set you free. Now, fly like a bird my darling. Soar as high as your tiny wings will carry you. Never settle for second best. Don’t give yourself away to fools or liars. From this moment on always tell the truth. Never tell people what you think they want to hear. Be true to yourself.
Life is never without lessons to learn and I have learned a great deal during these three amazing months.
You know, my dear, we have our finest days to come but probably as great friends and not as fuck buddies.
And so to bed. I am so tired. So bloody tired. I may even sleep tonight. Let’s hope so shall we?
