I woke up in acceptance. I went to bed with a strange man sleeping on the sofa.
Yesterday morning I found myself explaining what made me happy to a large group of men. I said, “I know when I’m happy because I don’t want to change anything. I don’t want to change the way I feel with drugs or sex or shopping. I don’t want to change where I live or rearrange my apartment. I am just happy with things the way they are right now.”
Lunch with Eric at the Mercantile on Sunset where we ran into Bryan and his friend Carly Chaikin who is the second lead in the film The Last Song starring Miley Cyrus. A very sweet girl. Delicious lunch, lots of fun, I ate duck.
After lunch Eric and I drove to Soho House where we sat on the terrace overlooking Beverly Hills drinking latte-yes I was in a latte state o’mind.
As the day progressed I felt more uncomfortable. There were practical irritations like: HSBC in the UK had closed my bank account for no apparent reason (apparently my crime was dormancy) with money still in it. I cannot pay bills, transfer money, now I expect long conversations with random, computer generated Indian customer service advisors that must take place before I get to the bottom of this.
I received another nasty email from a woman claiming that she was at Kristian’s funeral and that my blogged account of it is all lies. The Mother and Father must be furious that I continue to report how they disrespect our friend in death. I have spoken to many, many people about the funeral and how Kristian’s boyfriend of SEVEN years was told to stay away, how he is now having to fight the family for what is rightfully his-his share of the property that he and Kristian owned in France and his part of the London property.
By the time I took my nap I was feeling decidedly testy.
Had brief chat with NYC friend who seems eager to go bar hopping/hooking up. Whatever he has in mind for himself who am I to judge? He wants to be like all the other gay men with penis privileges.
I tried explaining to him the 12 steps, which was as satisfying as trying to teach a baboon how to knit.
Felt WORSE.
So, a friend of Kristian’s came and took me to dinner-once again at the Mercantile. (I am trying to work my way through their delicious menu.) We talked about Kristian and I shed a tear. This was the first person I had actually sat down with since his death rather that being on the phone or random conversations on Face Book with people who had been denied entry to the funeral and had watched in amazement as Kristian’s coffin was dragged into the church, as Kristian’s mother laughed at the funeral, as she made Kristian’s boy friend of SEVEN years feel so uncomfortable at the wake he had organized he left rather than them.
As we left the restaurant I bumped into a good-looking strawberry blonde man with huge arms. He introduced himself and we exchanged numbers. Later that night the strawberry blond man came over and we talked until 3am. It turns out that he is a porn performer who wants to get out of the porn performer business. I told him that I would introduce him to Jennie. I looked at his work on-line. Getting fucked by men with names like Xavier and Brett. Eagerly blowing other men with huge arms. I thought that maybe my NYC friend would like to hook up with him at a bar.
It was good to talk to him about my own relationship with pornography.
I felt comfortable with him. We were not about to have a conversation about God, he did not have a complicated story. He told me about the men he had dated. The life he has. He looked tired so I told him he could stay over. I hid my gold watch. He slept on the sofa.
Earthquake the following day. I lay in bed as it rumbled through town. Dinner with Anna at Canele on Glendale Blvd. Excellent roast lamb and equally delicious roast vegetables. Met delightful Amanda and delightful Daniel.
