We picked lemons and grapefruits and cleaned out the plunge pool. We cooked dinner. We walked on the beach. I wrote more of my film. I met another DOP. I wrote more of my novel. I am presently writing a thousand words a day. More if I count this and the film. We planted a tree and swept the paths. The days are full up with life and laughter.
The twins are incredibly funny and kind. Their Mother called me yesterday and thanked me for looking after them. It’s a treat to do so. They are honest. They give more than they take.
I don’t want to go back to NYC so perhaps I won’t. There’s nothing there for me other than sadness. Disaster. Therapist Jill gets back this week and hopefully I can get myself into some sort of rehab by the beginning of May. It’s the only way I can imagine dealing with everything that has happened. The pain and the resentment.
I can start again.
He was wearing the jacket that I picked out for him in the most recent picture I have. Staring at a near empty pint of beer. I hope he chokes on that fucking beer. I hope that every time he pulls on his jacket he thinks of me and London and APC and how much I tried to help him. What lengths I was prepared to go to make his new gay life better.
You see? When you let a liar into your life what havoc they cause? What pain and suffering they inflict? Oh get over it I hear you say…but I am not like that. I can carry around a resentment for years. Some relationships take years to get over. Especially when you know in your heart that you will never love like you loved, feel what you feel, be what you were with the man who you loved…ever again. Even if he was a liar, even if he is impossible to forgive. Even if I want so badly to put things right and be at peace with the world.
The twins are off out to Santa Monica. They are leaving me here to write and ponder.
Life cheats us with shadows. We ask it for pleasure and it gives it to us with bitterness and disappointments in it’s train. Oscar Wilde.
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