I sometimes wonder if it is me or the planets that determine my relationship with the world?
With Venus in retrograde (huh?) I have a lightened spirit today.
Actually, regardless of the orbiting planets, nothing has really changed other than the volume of the conspiring demons in my head.
Let’s do a little inventory.
Firstly, having Ashley living at the house makes everything more fun. The truth is if she can get to me with coffee and fags before I write my blog the whole tenor of this blog changes significantly. I tend not to dwell on Jake for instance….who ever that (Jake) is…so much time has passed since we communicated I am just left with a few shards of unresolved resentments and a few hundred pictures of him in various states of undress.
What the hell were we doing together? Two desperate renegades or two men who had a genuine connection that I should learn to honor? If I compare him to the men I meet now, have met..then the attraction is obvious! I loved his pickled brain, his logic, I was even attracted to the shadow in which he lived as it heightened the emotional chiaroscuro.
I hope I get to the point when I can think about him fondly, not skip over the many, many pictures of him in my photo library, not endlessly relive the betrayal, get some perspective….some forgiveness. What am I writing? Have I forgiven him?
Today I absolve you Mr. B. Just for today.
So, what forced me out of the hideous funk?
Getting out of the house sure does help.
Yesterday, JA arrived after the therapy group that we were meant to go to together but I haven’t been to for some time. We drove to PC Greens and bought a delicious lunch. I saw Sarah. We hugged. I cooked two steaks on the grill and tossed organic vine tomatoes and spinach together with a salty vinaigrette. We sat on the terrace overlooking the sea and ate it.
I have this idea for a film. The sort of idea that I know will end up on the screen. I may not write it myself or even direct it but I sure am going to be its midwife.
I tentatively discussed the idea with JA. He loved it!
So, after we talked it through I offered to write the treatment and finish it by the end of the week. A little research..but mostly it’s there in my fingers waiting to be written.
I spent a little time on a gay hook up site and arranged to meet a particularly attractive young man in West H’wood. We shall call him Manhunt date No. 8. JA also invited friends. One of his friends turned out to be a small, timid, New York Jew. 29-years-old. Talent agent. Very intelligent. SOUND FAMILIAR? I laughed at how God plays games with the heart. I was very nice to the NYC Jewish guy and knew that had I not gone through what I had just so recently been through I might have gotten further involved.
After all..a good brain is worth a thousand abs.
No.
My hook-up arrived, tall, willowy, perfect face and body..lovely demeanor. The attraction was mutual and before very long we were headed toward Malibu. I invited him home on the understanding that I did not want to have sex but after a few hours asleep I woke up feeling like breaking that particular promise. The problem is: the passion that Jake and I shared in the bedroom/forest/shower does not transfer easily to another. Our passion was based on knowing each other. A magnetic attraction. A profound level of connection.
Sexually, I am very aggressive. I am not interested in being taken. Never have been. I know what I wanted at dawn but I also knew what I was doing: bringing the passion I shared with Jake into another bedroom…it simply does not work.
By the time Ashley brewed the coffee this morning the beautiful stranger was gone. Will I see him again? No idea. Up to him really.
Birthday party today. I WILL go. Eli Roth etc. Maybe fun.
Of course I am thinking about the treacherously intelligent agent. Funny little man.
I did not hear back from my old love yesterday. He is in Vegas so probably very busy. I would adore to see him but strangely just having a brief chat on the phone gave me confidence that there is always closure however long it takes.
Then, when the resentments have been laid to rest, only love remains.
I have a treatment to write. Let’s see if I can write the diary of a film getting made with the same verve as I have Jake these past nine months?
A film getting made rather than a doomed love affair? I don’t doubt that some of you will be interested in this process but not nearly so much as you were in my imploding relationship.
Everybody loves a train wreck..