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Brothers and Sisters

Wild Sage

Yesterday we went for a long hike though the Malibu Canyon State Park.

Beautiful wild flowers.  The Little Dog in 7th heaven.  Drove home via the Malibu Farmers Market and prepared fresh chard for dinner.  Bought delicious goats cheese flavoured with lavender.   Made dinner for three of us then slept FITFULLY as the dog was up and down the stairs all night barking at wildlife in the garden.

Saw Chris Cortazzo the local, gay celebrity realtor wearing jeans that were far too tight for a man of his shape and disposition.

Did you know that I am the eldest of 11 (maybe 12) children shared between my Mother who had my half brothers Stuart and Martin and my errant father Kuros Khazaei who had 8 or 9 further half brothers and sisters with 4 or 5 other women depending on which story you believe.

I have met all of my half siblings except Jonathon (no contact) and Natalie who I have spoken to on the telephone. So, here goes, here are the rest of my half blood brothers and sisters born in wedlock/legitimately by my father:  Dominic, Michael, Natalie, Jessica, James, Rebecca and Jonathon Khazaei.  Illegitimately by my father Karen and there maybe another called Roya…but this might be a paternal myth.  Like the diamond heist.  Can anyone shed any light on that?  Or that the Kray twins threw him out of a window?  Or that he carried a tape recorder everywhere with him?

That’s all there is to tell you about them.  Just wanted you to know.  Some of you think I am an only child.

The beautiful Dane arrives from NYC next Sunday and a couple of days later we will head off on our ‘Great Adventure!’ all of which we will document here and on YouTube.   Obviously it was at about this time last year that The Penguin and I went to France.  I’ve been reading over my rather romanticized blogged version of those weeks.

My anger refreshed.  Remember, the night I arrived in NYC he was already (I later discovered) seeing someone else in a ‘non exclusive relationship’ and decided to fetch his stash of meth from under his bed and snort it in front of me.  I feel so angry writing this.  That he would take such a risk with my sobriety.

By the time we left for Paris he had no respect or love or care for me what so ever.  He just wanted the free ride.

Whilst we were in Europe he was hooking up with other men when ever he could, using internet pornography, skyping with his ‘non-exclusive’ boy friend and lying to me every single day.

I think of those weeks in Europe and my heart sinks.   Mind you, how must his ex girl friend feel?  That on every vacation they ever took together during their 7 years he would do exactly the same.  Hooking up with random strangers in bathrooms then slipping into bed with her.  Her sucking a cock that had just been up a strangers ass.

I have just been writing the final pages of my novel so this revisited fury has some provenance.

As for the novel?  Anything I put my mind to…my heart into…what seems for others a long and painful process has become quite effortless.

I am now working with a book editor from the not so niche publisher.  It is most often described in the press as a ‘leading independent publisher’.   The time difference means that notes were waiting for me this morning when I woke up.  My first notes.  I was so excited I almost couldn’t look at them.

Wow, this editor thang is a revelation.

Working with someone who helps shape, define and redefine the work I am doing.  Helping me be less self-conscious.

As for the imprint by whom I will be published..their rosta of edgy authors is very impressive indeed.

I just heard that Laura Ziskin died of cancer yesterday.  Now I feel terrible.  She was a great friend of The Penguin.  I’m so sorry.

Yesterday I wandered the garden taking pictures.  Here are some of them:

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Malibu

Monday?

I had no idea yesterday was Monday.  That’s embarrassing isn’t it?    I genuinely thought it was Sunday.

Robby and I kayaked for a mile or so with the Little Dog.  It was beautiful.  From the Piette’s Malibou Lake, up an unnamed tributary.  Our navigational skills left a little to be desired but we had a great time.  It was beautiful paddling under the weeping willow to the Paramount Ranch and back again.

The rest of the day I hung out with the twins.  Trying to finish my novel.  Jennifer’s mother kept trying to talk to me as I was writing.

Max came home from school.  The previous day three squad cars came to see him after he smashed the stained glass window in their front door.  When the police arrived he escaped on a boat across the lake.  My kind of adolescent.

He took the boat, hitched a ride to the local CVS where he bought himself a sleeping bag thinking he could sleep rough.  Sadly, for him, it began to rain so he called his parents and they came and scooped him up.

Rather exciting adventure for a 13-year-old boy?  A bit distressing for the parents but I rather like watching the adventure he is having.  It reminds me of my own.  I KNOW that I shouldn’t encourage him.  I really hope that he comes live with me in September.

Later the twins and I went to Trader Joes where mama bear bought his lil family food for the week.   Everybody thinks that the boys are my sons.   Funny.

I was meant to go into Venice for dinner but stayed at home instead.   I wanted to sit on my own and watch HGTV.   I had spent most of the day murdering three people in my novel so I was exhausted.

Cary Fukunaga and Michelle Williams are dating.  Wow, isn’t that odd?  My friend Heath’s ex and the director the Penguin and I hung out with last summer.  Perfect match I think.

A couple of pics from the w/end:

Crazy House
Garden
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Malibu

Exorcised

For those of you who have this blog emailed to you daily I just want to remind you that after I post my blog I usually spend an hour or so editing it and making additions.  Just to let you know.  You may be missing essential details. Ha!

It is raining today.  Can you believe it?

Yesterday I pickled some beetroot.  I cleaned out the drain at the back of the house.  I spent another day happily in the garden…weeding.  Moving pots of rare shrubs.  The strawberries are producing.  Delicious.  Pottering, just like my maternal grandfather. Picking at weeds amongst the cacti.  I like that I might be like him as I get older.  For all of his faults he was a good man.  From what I can remember.

Perhaps my Mother might remember him differently.

On My Grandfather's Lap

He was useless with money, a real dreamer.  I think it drove my Grandmother to distraction.  He had asthma and died during an asthma attack beside her in bed.  A terrible way to die.  Choking to death. She never really recovered.  Catholicism unable to calm her.  She wasn’t a very happy woman.

I remember visiting my Grandfather in hospital, he was sitting outside in the sun surrounded by huge apricot coloured roses.

There was also a sick clown from Billy Smart’s Circus.  He was sewing diamonte buttons onto a silk costume.  The clown told me that he would be on television the following Christmas.  I held onto that memory for six months.  My parents hated watching the circus on TV but I insisted.  I didn’t see the clown.  He must have died…or lied…or both.

The clown gave me some spare diamonte, I still have them.

http://www.britishpathe.com/record.php?id=62917

Listening to David Bowie.  The boys are subdued.  There is a huge cloud hanging over the canyon.  The weather is most peculiar.

Last night Tom and Anna came to dinner.   We grilled chicken, sautéed kale with garlic and I made a huge salad with Out of The Box produce.  Tiny new red potatoes, green beans, free range eggs, olives, a tiny gem lettuce, golden beets.  Delicious.

It was a chilly evening so we built a huge fire and gossiped.  I felt oddly insecure knowing that Tom was so incredibly successful.   I was tongue-tied and felt a bit foolish.   For someone who has done so well he is just about the most humble person I have ever met.

Tom brought chicken, Anna brought a huge fruit salad and ice cream.

Finally, a friend of mine called to tell me how much I have changed these past few weeks.

“It’s like being with a different person.”  She said.

It’s true.  Without the demon penguin possessing me I am just my happily old self.  Nothing to prove.  I must just tell you…I forgot to mention it before:  I had a treatment from a Dutch friend of Jennifer’s.   She did this deep tissue massage/healing and made a rasping sound every time she touched me.  It was amazing.  She said that I was so full of poison she began coughing.  Hacking.

The combination of her treatment (I was skeptical) and actually seeing him has done the trick.

Only now when I am out of it I can see clearly just how in my addiction I was.  The demon drink, the demon opiate, the demon corn chip, the demon penguin.

It’s all the same.

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Malibu

Max

My god daughter’s brother Max wants me to adopt him.   He spent the past few days here.

At home he is, as Zack would say, a hot mess.  Once he gets here he is calm, attentive, polite and charming.   He is the right size.  He washes dishes and clears up after himself.  He chats animatedly to the twins and one would never imagine that this is the boy who is facing all sorts of trouble at school and at home.

He is very much like I was when I was a kid.   I just loathed my parents and took every opportunity to make them aware of it.    At school he doesn’t really fit it so over compensates with lies and boasting.  Consequently he has a horrible time.

Whereas I had good reason to hate my step-father his parents try their best to accommodate him.  I know that this will end badly because as much as he tries to be a stand up guy he is now cast in the ‘bad boy’ role-and that only has one conclusion.  The authorities are aware of him, the school doesn’t want him, his peers are frightened of him.  His parents, poor things, are at their wit’s end.

When he is with me he understands the boundaries.  We speak the same language.  The language of the addict.  I wish I could take him to an AA meeting but he’s 13 years old.

Yesterday Max, Miles and I planted melon seeds and watered the garden.  The Little Dog found a young rattle snake and we killed it.  It has been snake crazy up here.  Rattlesnakes, California King and Garter snakes.   A huge California King Snake dozing on the path.  It looks worse than it is.  Apparently non-venomous.   Unless you are a small mammal.

I guess there are many more snakes this year because of the rain we had all winter.  More vegetation means more rabbits and gophers which in turn feed the snakes.

The Little Dog did something very funny.  We were listening to the coyote deep in the valley screaming and howling, when ever they do that the Little Dog hears his call from the wild and barks frantically.  Robby started howling like the coyote and to our amusement the Little Dog started howling too.  It was a revelation, I had never seen him howl.  It was so sweet to see him lift his little head and howl.  The howling dog.  I will try to film it next time it happens.

When we finally took Max home via the ice cream store at the Lumber Yard he reverted to his usual surly, frightened self.  Rude to his parents, unhelpful, aggressive to his sisters.  It was sad to see.   The twins and I adore Max when he stays here with us.  Now he wants to come live here full-time.  When I get back from the East Coast this autumn we will think about it.

I really think that this may be the only way he holds onto his family, his liberty and his sanity.

I spent the rest of the day plotting the final chapters of my book.  It does not turn out how one might think.  However, crafting a sting in the tail is my aim and that is harder to write than it seems.

Thanks for all of the helpful Novel feedback.  Thanks for those of you who took the time.  Thanks especially to Joanna in London from a certain niche publisher who liked it enough to want to read it all.

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Malibu

Royal Wedding

The Royal Wedding?  What of it?  I remember the Charles and Diana fiasco very well.  I doubt whether this will compare.  Not for those of us who sat through it all before.  My friend Dan is in London covering the show for WWD.  My ears burning, I called him just as he was having afternoon tea with CP.  It cheered me up immediately speaking to them both.  Dan covered the Charles and Diana wedding for CNN.

I don’t have anything to say about Catherine Middleton nor William for that matter.  Their relationship seems very ‘modern’ which makes the entire event less relevant somehow.   Two youngish people getting married in grand circumstances for the sake of the British people and the Commonwealth.

I will be interested to see the dress.  Less interested to imagine how much this pantomime will cost the British people.  Expensive no doubt.

My brushes with the Royal Family over the years have been brief but fascinating.  The Queen, Princess Diana, Princess Michael etc.

Obama released his ‘long form’ birth certificate which had the effect of trumping Donald Trump‘s absurd ‘birther‘ nonsense.  More importantly I felt a great deal of immediate sympathy for The President.   Unusually.

Today, Miles has gone off to help Jennifer with her box delivery and Robby is running errands for his WeHo boss.

The little dog and I walked the new road and back again through searing heat.

I have devoted this week to gardening.  Planting Basil and Thyme. Sweeping paths, trimming shrubs.  Whenever I am in the garden the Little Dog helps out by digging random holes.  Since seeing the dog with the snake bitten face I am a little more cautious about him freely exploring the garden.

The boys generate a huge amount of laundry which I tackle with aplomb.

When Miles returned yesterday from a day on the beach we grilled pork loin and sat in the garden eating our simple dinner.  We discussed his burgeoning relationship and his understandable fears.  Before I gave my advice I warned him that my experience of relationships is woefully inadequate.  I didn’t really want to add my ha’penny worth.  I tried changing the subject.

We watched The Edge which is an appalling film.  Miles, a great fan of David Mamet, thinks the film ‘great’.  Now, I may not know about relationships but I know about films.   Tony’s performance was the only thing worth watching.  Making the best of a bad job.

I went to bed thinking about Miles.  I hope he understands that I know nothing special about love or sex or relationships.  One just makes it up as ones goes along.  Reinventing what may or may not work as opportunities present themselves.

My own relationship carnival begins the moment I step off the plane in NYC.  A film crew waiting for me with my sweet D.

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Malibu

Suck Yourself

Robby suggested that I call todays entry…well..you can see can’t you?

The twins are home and the house is full of twin energy and plans and smells.  The washing machine is stuffed with their weekend laundry.  Miles is falling in love with a young lady he met on his trip.  It is so sweet to see him delicately negotiating these new and powerful feelings.

Robby is off to Hollywood for an audition.  He looks great.

The weather is incredible and the hillsides are vibrant with spring flowers and tiny baby rabbits who hop dangerously out into the road.  This is the first year that I have seen so many rabbits.  Either the coyote are fattening up elsewhere or the rabbits have migrated from another part of the mountain.

I saw a dead bobcat in the road last week.  They are such beautiful creatures.  Even the dead animals in the road are beautiful.

Therapy this morning, listened to an ex homeless man tell his story.  Very restorative.  Humbling.

Collecting my thoughts for next weeks trip.   There is not much to think about other than what to take to wear.  Which, as you can imagine, is more of a headache than it should be.  I have no idea what to expect, it’s just going to be great to be back in NYC.

Peace of mind.  No longer the roiling mess I have endured for months.

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Malibu

Beautiful Day in SoCal

It is such a beautiful day today I almost can’t describe it.

This weekend was great fun.  Too much fun to blog.  Easter should be spent with children and friends with children.  Fat on chocolate and ham.

Woke early Good Friday morning and drove the twins to Pasadena.  They spent the weekend in Arizona at a Mumford and Sons concert by way of the Grand Canyon.   They are on their way home now.  I filled my weekend with lunches and dinners and a pedicure.   I went to AA meetings and walks with friends old and new.

There were moments this wonderful spring weekend when I felt as if I were my old self (pre The Penguin) but couldn’t work out why.  There were moments when I experience the very illusive peace of mind I had been craving for many, many months.

It all seemed to begin after we had chopped out the great bush of Bougainvillea.  I understood that any change, however destructive, can be very creative.   By freeing up the view I could see clearly.  My over-view, perspective and willingness all remade.

I had to own up, once again, to misdirected anger.  I am not angry with him…I am angry with my nemesis.  He is not that man.  By demanding answers from him I forego the courage it takes to ask my nemesis why he did those terrible things.

What The Penguin did to me scarcely compares to what happened before yet I am willing to blame The Penguin for all that is evil in the world.  Of course he should never have lied his way into my life, nor should he have used me to help him.  He should never have said ‘I love you’ without considering the consequences.

Our moment in court next month could be used to heal rather than to punish.  To move on with amends and explanation rather than two disparate men re-entrenching their anger.

This time next week I will be in NYC…a camera shoved in my face.  I must admit that I am ever so slightly excited.  I am excited to see D.  I am excited that I am going to have a gay old NYC summer.  Hamptons, Fire Island…one last gay hurrah!  Even though it is not my show and I am merely an adjunct I am excited by the prospect of showing a different, more vivacious side of my character than the one you saw last year on Sex Rehab.

This time next week?  I am not living in next week, I am living now.

Therapy this morning was great.  Every meeting/group/session I attend things seem to get better and better.

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Malibu

Little Edie

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Miles inadvertently looked like Little Edie this evening.

A cold outing to Venice after a good 8 hours in the garden.  Our third day of chopping, dragging, pruning, raking…a hard, hard day doing man work with Robby.

The vast, dense Bougainvillea finally vanquished so the house doesn’t end up looking like Grey Gardens.   There are now new views all over the estate.  It looks a bit bare on the terrace but we shall wait for the grape-vine to grow across the newly denuded arbour.

I wore a very fetching outfit into town.  See below.  Wore my Derby rather than my cap.  Miles said, “I want to dress like you Duncan.”  Which, as you may have guessed, is the greatest of all compliments.

We ate dinner in Venice.  Food trucks.  Not the greatest food truck food but filling and cheap.  Then we headed over to Santa Monica and walked the length of the Third Street Promenade.  I am quite happy doing these simple things knowing that very soon I will be back in NYC up to my eye balls in Penguin shit.

What a fucking tosser that man is.  When I told Toby that The Penguin was attempting a restraining order he said, “Oh, so you’ve won.”  Which is one way of looking at it I suppose.

There are no winners here I am sorry to say.

P.S. Did you know that JBC’s house in the Pines was called Grey Gardens?

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Malibu

Bougainvillea

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The huge hedge of Bougainvillea that separated the house from the garden is all but gone.  It has taken Robby and me two days to chop it down and cart it to the compost at the end of the drive.   The house now feels as it is floating above the forest of specimen trees and succulents.  Uninterrupted views all the way to the hot tub and the drive.  More importantly, as one enters the garden, the full glory of this house, this post and beam gem can be fully appreciated.

On Sunday, after my AA meeting and wander around the Palisades Farmers Market,  Anna popped by.  We ate a particularly foul, tasteless lunch at the newly refurbished Malibu Inn (at my suggestion) and then we walked the length of the Malibu Pier which, I am ashamed to say, I have never done.

It really is very beautiful.

Nicely decorated shops and restaurants, fisherman (mostly Mexican) fishing on both sides.  A seal lazily swam on it’s back looking up at us.  The water around Malibu is teaming with life.  Seals, Dolphins, Whales.  At the end of the Malibu Pier are two elevated rooms which might be perfect for hiring.  I suddenly thought that rather than have a birthday party at my house this year I would have my party there.  What do you think?  I didn’t celebrate last years mile stone so this is maybe a perfect opportunity and location.

Whilst in the Malibu Inn the beginning of a rather bizarre incident began to unfold.   One that caused some consternation later on that evening.  A rather jolly, good-looking young man handed me his number.  A usual occurrence here in LA.  Especially if one has been on TV.  Whilst serving us he had overheard Anna and I talking about the entertainment industry.  I took the number and we started texting, agreeing to meet after he had gotten off of work at 7pm.  I asked if he had a car and if he could get up here or if he needed to meet on the PCH.

When he arrived at the house (shrouded in marine layer) we chatted for a few moments, whilst chatting he must have received at least 10 calls from his parents wanting to know where he was and when he was coming home.  “Perhaps you had better go.”  I said.

We continued our conversation regardless.  He wanted, of course, to be an actor.  An actor who wants to be in action films.  He mentioned that he had thought about modeling.  He is a great looking guy but, I told him, maybe a little too short for modeling.  He told me that he needed money to finish his tattoo and move out of his house.  He wanted to be free of his family.   I sympathised and told him to work harder at Malibu Inn.  When young men start talking about how much money they need I disconnect.

Then, I noticed that there was someone looking at us.  A man on the terrace looking in.

I opened the door and there was a man (my age) with a friendly looking German Shepherd and asked him what he wanted.  I noticed another person scurrying up the path.  A woman with long black hair.

He said gruffly, “I’ve come to collect my boy.”

I demanded an explanation.  He explained sheepishly, losing some of his bravado, that he was the young man’s father and rather than the young man having driven himself to the house as he had implied, his father had brought him.   I suddenly felt rather set up.  As if I was part of something that had been planned rather than being as spontaneous as I had first thought.

“Why didn’t you come in?”  I asked him.   “Rather than skulking around the garden.”

“You should conduct business meetings in your office.”  He chided.

“This wasn’t a business meeting.” I snapped.  “It was personal.”

I asked the young Malibu Inn man if he was OK and he nodded, his face reddened with embarrassment.  I asked his ‘father’ if everything was OK.

“For the time being.”  He said.  The inherent threat was not lost on me.

They left.

I heard them stall their cheap car on the steep drive, spinning their tires on the damp concrete.

My next door neighbour Jerome was in so I stopped by and told him what had happened.   The more I thought about it the more I realized that this may very well have been some sort of opportunistic venture on their behalf.  They must have thought that being a self-proclaimed sex addict that I would ‘try’ something.  Not realizing that I only really respond to sexual advances rather than initiate.

I suddenly felt quite vulnerable.

Thankfully the twins arrived home.  It was a spooky night, the man emerging from the mist.  The strange boy who needed $150 to finish his tattoo of a skull in the shape of a dollar sign.

Spent most of Monday taking down the last of the Bougainvillea.  Breakfast on the PCH.  Dinner with friends.

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Malibu

Moment by Moment

I had such a spectacular day yesterday.  I am determined that today should be the same.  With that in mind I set off at 7am for my Palisades Men’s AA meeting.  Had breakfast with the guys.

There is a huge cloud of marine layer climbing up the mountain as I write.

Usual crowd at the meeting.  Love the men in that room collectively, loathe them individually.  Everything I judge I walk through.   I have to remember that.

Listening to John Martyn.

Miles threw me into the sea yesterday.  I somersaulted into a huge wave, gulped seawater, swallowed it, smashed into the sand.  It was so much fun.

The Little Dog loves the sand, he dug two great big holes and sat in them.  Clever dog.  I love our beach club.  I have only been there twice in 4 years.

Anna, my NYC producer friend, is coming for lunch.

The wind in my face.  Malibu morning.

I am getting better.  Thanks wholesome twins.  Thanks AA.  Thanks beautiful weather.  Thanks dewy morning garden.

Here are  some odd moments:

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