Laying in my bed with this fever..seems like a bad time to start cleaning house but that’s what I find myself doing.
As the New Year approaches we all attempt to make changes in our lives, commit or recommit to breaking old habits and focus on what we know is good for us.
Looking back at this eventful year…wasn’t it just? Of course I think about you-know-who but how I think about him must change.
Already I am wondering why a man I knew for so little time and spent even less real-time became so bloody important to me.
That’s a question I need answering with the help of a therapist.
I can dress it up as a huge romance..or I can tell it as it is…two addicts clinging onto one another for safety. So few words to describe something that has bugged me all year.
My abandonment issues, separation angsiety…all makes sense.
Jake lingers in my nutty mind because in March I will be carrying the can for the both of us in court.
As irritable as I am about the court date..March 25th (I will be really pissed as the date approaches) I am in the sort of mood where if I were a King I would be pardoning all manner of prisoners. The prisoner I am pardoning today..is me. I deleted my Manhunt account, my Adam 4 Adam account and lastly..my Gaydar account. I must say..it’s a tremendous relief.
All I have to recommit to is my porn problem…which is not as bad as it was but still figures in my fantasy life.
The great thing about AA or SAA or any 12 step programme is that we can always start again. You know as well as I do how topsy-turvy everything has been these past few months..how thrown off course I have been.
Wandering up the High Street today, a light rain on my face, even though I am really sick..I felt happy. Incredibly at ease with everything.
I am not in competition with anyone. Not for a better time, not for a bigger house, not for more money or a better job. I have quite enough of everything. I always have.
You know, I am going to tell you something: I have been praying hard for Jake to be okay. Praying for his career, his love life, for adventure and peace of mind.
Would I want to be him? No. Would I have wanted his life thus far? No. Instead of hating him I have been getting some perspective. Sure, I wasted a great deal of time on that young man, and it feels like not much has been learned..but I am sure that as time passes I will think differently about that.
I can see that not many people anywhere, how ever rich they are..are very happy. On the face of it Jake had everything a young man could possibly want but just pick at the surface and there’s nothing there. Happiness is so elusive for so many. The folks I know here in Whitstable are especially grumpy. They drink too much, they feel trapped, they are ignorant of so much…yet they live in harmony.
I sometimes wonder if it would have been better for Jake to stay in the closet..if you want to call it that. They were happy together. They were soul mates. He just wanted a bit of cock on occasions…or did he? For as much as he dismissed what he wanted from me as a ‘bit of fun’, I know for sure that he wants to be loved.
I never really understood what it was about his Father or Mother that made him lie to them. Were they hideously judgemental? Homophobic? Unlikely as his dad is a psychiatrist. Most probably they are as entitled as he is. What happened to little Jake? Precious Jake?
I chatted with someone Jake knew at University last week. I asked if it was a particularly macho anti-gay university…as Jake had described it. My friend laughed out loud..he said that it was like going to the Castro in San Francisco. Ithaca is a private upstate liberal arts college.
He must have lied to me all the time.
He must have been really unhappy. I hope he gets happier.
Hanging with Tom the other day…he’s happy…his wife and kid seem happy too. That’s something to aspire to. I have always wanted the mince-pie, brocade and topiary sort of comfort he has and then I look around and see that I already have it.
As you may have noticed…the blog didn’t go private because there doesn’t seem to be a way on WordPress for me to do that. Oh well.
BTW, it’s that time of year again where I get to vote for who will win this years BAFTA for best film, director, etc. I realized, as I was voting for the best male actor, that I knew every one of them personally and had slept with two of them.
Strange but true.