My left testicle has a name..Lucille. Why did you call it a woman’s name you may ask? Well, that’s just the way it is.
I leave on Wednesday to have Lucille removed. Goodbye Lucille Ball. In a particularly bumptious mood today. Seems like the only way I can get through this. Becoming more rather than less. Dealing with my vulnerability and fear with monstrous emotions.
I have been feeling angry with him again as I face this fucking thing on my own. I really resent that I was so completely on his side, his support, his kindly ear when he needed it most but the MOMENT I needed a shoulder he fucking dumped me. Listen, I know the little creep couldn’t think about anyone except himself and I chose the most selfish man alive to depend on when things got tough..
It is just a bore to have to own my part in this but I am forced to. My part is that I should have no expectations of anyone ever but who the hell lives like that?
Tomorrow night Ashley is throwing a Goodbye Lucille party for me at SHLA. Instead of doing what I did on my big b’day and not inviting anyone I have asked everyone. Fuck them if they don’t turn up but I think that they will.
The reason I didn’t invite anyone for my lunch was that I didn’t want him to judge my Whitstable friends. That’s fucking ridiculous isn’t it? What lengths I would go to please him. I got mocked for that too. “You know that you find me irresistable.” Fucking rat.
I watched Taxi Driver again last night for the 100th time. I always feel so energized after watching how he deals with being a lonely misfit.
Here is someone who stood up against the scum, the dogs, the filth, the shit – here is someone – who stood up
I love the letter at the end from Iris’s parents. The suburban parents thanking the crazy guy for rescuing their daughter from hell. Yeah right…nobody gets thanks for doing a good deed. The only time I get letters from parents it’s to tell me what a cunt I am.
Mostly I love that Travis Bickel, like me, is so crazily angry at the world. Thank GOD I have AA to dump my shit.
Yesterday spent whole day with Ashley and Michael. We drive up the PCH to Jennifer and Jason’s house. They are moving so went ostensibly to say goodbye to their lovely house. On the way we stopped off at Malibu seafood for fish and chips: delicious.
This morning Julia Roberts was standing in line ahead of me at the Coffee Bean.
The young man who jumped into the car and kissed me is coming this afternoon.
Give me something to worry about that isn’t Lucille. Go on…
12 replies on “Lucille Ball”
When Lucille is tested, you’ll get a course of treatment?
Au’ Reviour Lucille.
Wishing for the best possible outcome for you Duncan.
I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers that Lucille was not cancerous.
Wishing you all the best Duncan for your “journey” over the next couple of weeks, and will wait with trepidation for your blogs and news about your new film and plans for 2011.
Stay positive – you don’t need Lucille. I’ve had major breast surgery, and you learn to live without them. Plastic Surgery is so sophisticated nowadays, that no one will know (but you).
Take Care
Hi Duncan,
the photo of you (the first one) is really very attractive. You ook well but I can see the fear in your eyes. You will be OK. I feel it. Get Lucille out of the way and then you can live again without fear. Thats a bloody terrible thing to have over your head. Think yourself lucky. My very best friend and the love of my life, was Zamy Steynovitz (look at his website). He had a dark spot on is body (cant remember shere) and just left it and left it. He developed Aids and died before he was 50. The worse thing was that I could not see him before he died. I had brain surgery when he phoned me. He sounded like he had the flu and was on his way to Paris from Israel. He wanted to see me but I told him to leave it until his return as I was scared I would catch his flu, for fear that it would kill me in my state.
I never saw him again. He did call me telling me he had cancer. I asked him if it was Aids. It was the first time in 30 years I had heard him cry. I told him for the first time that I loved him and had loved him since I was a girl. I told him I would love him through life and death. I said a lot of things which were not all necessarily true, but I wanted him to feel my love as I knew he would die at any time. He died that night and his brother said that he was calling my name on his death bed. Bloody horrible. Makes me cry to remember. So you have been a silly sod waiting so long, but I honestly feel that everything will be OK for you. At least a testicle can be removed completely. Its not your kidneys or lung thank God. Take good care of yourself and when you get through this operation, look at your life and thank God you have been given another chance. Dont be bitter toward anyone. Dont be so bloody bitchy and conceited …. you are! Just life your life and be thankful you have a life.
God bless you and keep you safe and may all the haling angels stand around your bed whilst you are being operated on and may they put their hands on you and make you better immediately.
Love and thoughts
Jenny xxxx
by by lucille!
did you no you can have a plastic testicle in case you cant live whitout
Safe “home”.
‘Lucille, you done did your daddy wrong,. Have a safe trip, my thoughts and prayers are with you for a speedy recovery.
love& xxx’s
mazel tov D, keep in mind not all body parts are useful and prayers for you , sending posative thoughts and love. Xx
Duncan, I just found your site through a rather odd google search, but enjoyed your personal voice, sometimes profound, sometimes catty, very LA. best of luck in both of your recoveries, surgical and program related.