Anger disguises sadness. My anger disguises my sadness.
I am trying to forgive him. I know that my anger toward him merely disguises just how rotten this breakup feels. Whilst it is easy to blame him for his insensitivity I will sooner or later have to totally accept my part in this drama. Accept that I wanted him to be something he could never be.
Accept that I chose to overlook his drinking and drugging and manhunting because I wanted him more than I was prepared to know what was good for me.
Forgiveness comes in waves. Acceptance too. I must forgive him and accept that things are exactly how they are meant to be.
The truth is (as per the tenets of AA) sooner or later I will have to totally forgive him and make my amends..a living amends in this case.
I was so happy when I came back from Europe! I felt and looked like a different person. Everybody noticed it and commented. Now look.
I just want to sleep. Get back into my bed and stay there all day long. I have another article to write and a proposal to submit. I have to wrap the art in bubble wrap to take to NYC. I must do these things or he steals even more than he has already stolen.
When we got home all I wanted was an open and honest relationship.
I woke early this morning and drove to the beach where I walked the lil dog for an hour. On the way there I passed a cute man in a sleek convertible and chatted with him briefly at the intersection of Fountain and Labrea. He looked lovely. We continued our chat at red lights on and off until I turned onto the 10.
What must he have thought of my battered truck?
The promenade in Venice early morning is a cess pit of vagrants and drug dealers. Rich folk unlock their homes overlooking the ocean and tip huge dogs into the melee.
Here it comes again: I am so angry with him. Yet, just like I was broken when the big dog was killed and every death and loss and separation came to be healed as I sobbed for her poor broken body so now when the tears come it is for every man I have ever left behind.
No tears yet.
I wish the tears would come. I am dry-eyed, emotionally arid.
When I am not feeling angry, I feel like a fool. It was such a waste taking him home to Whitstable. I thought I was taking someone who would appreciate what he was being given but all he did was lose his iPod and cause trouble and make a fool of me.
He took a huge shit at the very heart of my life. Did you notice that he was always on his lap top when we were in Europe? Couldn’t keep him away from it. He’s addicted to intensity, to fantasy.
Everyone else could see that he was just a using fame whore. I hadn’t had anyone want me just because I had been on TV. I genuinely thought he wanted me.
8 months of Jake.
Last night Michael and I watched Goddess with Kim Stanley. Written by Paddy Chayefsky. It’s a really camp half-telling of the Marilyn Monroe story. One huge, cumbersome monologue after another. There couldn’t have been a single conversation during the entire movie.
The film eerily anticipates Monroe’s demise.
As we lay on his bed watching the film the Lil Dog kept an eye on Michael’s cat who hissed and spat until we left for SHLA stopping briefly at Boa where we met Bryan Singer and Toby. Up in the house we were assaulted by three very drunk people who wanted to be our friends who, in fact, totally ruined our evening so we scarpered.
I had a massage at my house at 11pm..no not one of those…and fell asleep.
I wrote to Jake today telling him to cough up what he owes me. I suppose he will force me to do what I am telling Irene to do. Go to small claims. It’s a fucking bore but I’ll do it.
I want to drop an atom bomb on him for hurting me. I want everyone to appreciate the injustice. That I did nothing to chase him, lost my sexual sober time.. As I look back over the months we spent together every beautiful moment is lost in the dark cloud of resentment that blocks the sun out of my life.
I must pray for acceptance. It’s the only way.
4 replies on “Forgiveness and Acceptance”
Duncan – looking back knowing (and clearly suffering) what you know now, what might you have done differently to protect yourself? So sorry for your pain. I don’t really have anything to offer but knowledge that nothing is forever – including what you are feeling now. Best, L
Not just a fame whore, he is a manipulating liar. I doubt if you are ever going to be paid back for the trip. After the small claims comes the fight to get him to actually pay up.
It is not good for you keep this saga going.A claim is just a way of keeping this whole mess alive. Right now it keeps hurting, not unlike an addiction, the longing and knowing someone or something is bad for you and yet still wanting it has to be dealt with.
Forgive him? not yet, forgive the acts of cruelty but I do not see how you can forgive him as a person yet. I think it is ok not to forgive the person until the pain is gone and you are in a better place.
Duncan, I wish I was nearer to you, I would let you talk it out, I would just listen to you, not offer any advice, I would let you cry on my shoulder and pat your back.
I feel your pain, you gave so much and got little to nothing back.
Work through it. Look for another agent, start fresh at the place you were at before you met him.
He ruined your great good work, your plans and your dreams. He will pay for that and have to work through many tribulations because of his unauthentic personality and his motives. You’ll see!
Now for lighter stuff. I am currently reading Dominic Dunne’s novels again.His writing is not as good as yours but his story has an uncanny likeness to yours. He dragged himself out of addiction and wrote about people he knew thus becoming successful through the very people who had shunned him, even including Andrew Cunanon as a suspect in ‘The two Mrs Grenvilles’ All his books are based on true facts and have fascinating characters.An Inconvenient Woman is set around the film sets of Hollywood.
I have often thought, while missing reading DD writing for Vanity Fair mag that you would be an excellent replacement for him. Christopher Hitchens writes for the mag now, not the same. You could do a better job.
Please try and purge yourself of this monkey on your back.
stay in the now please.
I wish you a happy day with friends and laughter and inspiration, more than anything I wish you peace with yourself.
Irene,
Rats! I should have read your comments before I made my own. I totally agree that a small claims lawsuit may be just another way of holding on when Duncan needs to let go. And what a great suggestion that Duncan write for “Vanity Fair”, especially, sadly, since Christopher Hitchens may not be with us much longer, although I hope that I’m wrong.
As for — him — he’s already reaping what some of what he’s sown since everyone in the reach of this blog knows him for the narcissist that he is. Hopefully, despite the charm, they’ll steer well clear of him.
Speaking of good books, have you read anything by George Carlin? I just read “Last Words” and it was wonderful. I’d forgotten his masterful use of language and his ability to elevate comedy to an art.
Blessings,
Amanda
Duncan,
When you got back from Europe, from what you’ve written in these posts, you had already made decisions about what you would and would not accept going forward in your “relationship”, even if you hadn’t articulated your feelings yet. You had on balance, a wonderful time looking back on your life and travels thus far and it seems had come to terms with whether you even had “a relationship”. You were and are, justifiably angry about the way you were treated during the duration and the disregard that he showed you concerning your health scare. Someone else mentioned that you had the same lump and the same pain — six months ago. Is part of your anger that aside from the botched meeting with the Vigliano, that you put your health concerns on hold as well, because he would find them inconvenient? That you were afraid that — as it turns out, rightly — he would be as insensitive about something major as he was about everything else? That you didn’t want to even test leaning on him because you knew even then that he would let you fall?
I think that the reason that you’re feeling enervated now is because you are trying too hard to repress and suppress your anger and hurt. Your trust and your heart were abused and little Duncan and Anthony, both, are furious. I think that part of your battle is with yourself because you feel that you should have seen it coming or listened to your friends, instead of hunkering down and trying to maintain the spell that he had you under. Thing is, this — in reality – -was your first sexually sober relationship and as you said, you’ve had no experience with fame whores. You need to forgive yourself and let yourself feel angry. Not act on it, but feel it so you can move through it. You’ve had so much reason for rage in your life because you’ve been so abused that when you do get angry and especially when it’s justified, it pulls the cork on all that rage that’s been held down and it spews out like molten lava. I believe in forgiveness and acceptance as well, but when you try to move through the process too fast, it does more harm than good. It’s another way of denying your feelings because they’re so disheartening. I totally get it. I’m just asking that you respect the little you inside, and allow your feelings to be felt.
And stop beating up on yourself. You did nothing wrong. It’s not wrong to want to love and be loved. It’s not wrong to enjoy basking in the admiration of a suitor. But now you know that some dreamboats are really pillaging pirates flying under false flags and you’ve got their measure. You won’t be fooled again. And this is not the end. You can now be the man your soulmate deserves. Sober, wiser and more open. You weren’t ready before, despite your protestations to the contrary. So, now, ask for the man who deserves you. A man on your level. Beautiful, wise, battle-scared, yet generous and loving. Don’t settle for second or third best because you’re lonely. Learn to like your own company and be at peace with yourself. You’re a great guy, dammit. Believe that you deserve a great guy who’ll treat you with the love, respect and consideration that you deserve. *Metal Rabbit, with permission, gives Duncan a bear hug and a kiss on the cheek.*
And go get that biopsy!
Blessings,
Amanda