You know if I ever relapsed on anything it is likely to be ecstasy. After nearly 14 years of abstinence I am hankering the oblivion of an overwhelming high.
The sinking, bubbling rush of great e. Sinking into the warmth, the clock ticking,
The moment when we are connected to the men and women around me moving as one, abandoning my individuality, my sense of self for us. The vanishing point, the music throbbing, the sweat flowing. I have already stowed anything valuable elsewhere: my watch and wallet. I don’t want to have to worry about anything. I catch the eye of a beautiful boy on the dance floor, he is glistening too. We find each other and I can smell him, taste his lips. My jeans tighten around my legs and groin.
The music elevates us, I know him more perfectly at that moment than I have ever known anyone. There is a moment of silence, just a beat but the silence becomes interminable. I can hear my lungs fill with air, his lips open, I can see his teeth. His black hair stuck in thick bangs over his white skin, his blue eyes looking at me. Focused on me.
All through my twenties I took drugs recreationally. Always at weekends, with friends all over London and New York. The finding and buying and taking of the little pill. I am the first one on the dance floor. There are a thousand gay men around me and it is so fucking gorgeous, so fucking glamorous. I am slim and agile, my arms are long and muscular, my hands are behind my head then they are up in the air above me playing in the light. I know how delicious I look. Passed from one man to another, passed from the arms of one man to another. Kissing the ones I want, briefly. Kissing the men I want as the music slows and panting, filling my head with the thoughts of the men dancing around me.
Drugs gave me so much more than a human could ever give me. For a few moments I am granted a reprieve. No thought, no care, nothing. Just me and the moment.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1hzXKcQrg0&feature=related]
56 replies on “Ecstasy”
I love reading your blog but this piece about drugs is extremeley irrisponsible of you. You have a very full life. An exciting life and one that is envied, I am sure, by a lot of your readers and fans. What you do and the way you have described it, sounds very inviting and comfortable. Drugs are not comfortable or inviting. I worked in the heart of Soho for almost 30 years and I have lost many friends to drugs. The latest is Sebastian Horsley. What a bloody waste. What a shame. He glorified drugs in his writings too, but I saw Sebastian at his lowest when he could not function because of the drugs. He was sad and extremely unhappy. All the hype and bullshit and the velvet and lace did not hide the fact that he was a hopeless drug addict. Dont encourage people to take drugs. I thought you were more responsible than that and you have gone down in my estimation.
Jenny DeSouza
Although my wife really sympathized with you on this one(how Im not quite sure…), I really do think you summed up an experience profoundly precise and poetic. I never got the opportunity to be passed from girl to girl, for I dared not venture out into the sea of hedonism. But drugs are my friend, and my imagination and communication with God was as real to me as your playfulness on the dancefloor. “With great power comes great responsibility.” You have done your readers a great service with this piece. Or should I say Peace. For drugs, when taken into ones own path, can bring something to light that would have never been seen nor understood.
Nathan,
I would ask if having this glimpse of the Sublime, did you continue/are you continuing to keep pushing the river? Or were you content with knowing that Love & Light existed and sought to find a way to return there without a crutch?
I don’t have a problem with drugs per se but so many people who are the children and even the grandchildren of addicts show abnormal brain scans (“Change Your Brain, Change Your Body” by Dr. Daniel Amen) and whether through genetics or nurture, continue to have problems. And despite the fact that I would say that the majority of the 60’s generation managed to survive the avalanche of drug use, there were many who either lost their sanity or their lives. Ecstasy is a drug that can literally fry your brain and cause death with one use. We need to be very careful about advocating any path without posting the requisite “Danger” signs for those who may be more impulsive and less wise.
Blessings,
Amanda
I understand how you feel, Ms. DeSouza, but he was only telling the truth. I thought it was beautifully written and I doubt anyone is hunting down a drug dealer unless they are already in the drug culture. Sure, there’s a part of me who would just love to not worry about anything and just be, which seems to me to be an elusive state, but I was also thinking I sure wouldn’t want to do that. Why? Because being uninhibited can get you into trouble, like sleeping with someone and getting an STD or someone attacking you, or you do some bad thing you wouldn’t do. Plus there’s that little thing of ecstasy being able to raise your temperature from it or fry your brain so much you can die.
Perhaps you might look at this post in this light: Once you become dependent on a substance, it will still want you to return to it, recovered or no. I’m sure that feeling becomes magnified when you feel depressed or isolated. Usually drug users are self-medicating the pain. Also, it would be a lie for him to cover up what he felt in those days and never mention how awesome it was, because, I’m sure he isn’t the only person who ever felt that way. If he wrote that everyday was sunshine and daisies w/o drugs, perhaps it would make a former addict want to use again because he’d wonder why am I not as happy as this fellow.
I thought it was a beautiful, poetic piece of writing, plus I love that song!
Respectfully,
Lisa
Duncan, beautiful writing! I would take it in a minute , joke of course people take some things so seriously
I have to agree with Jenny’s point of view.
You are a very talented writer but this was very indulgent, not to mention irresponsible. I understand the attraction if you are 20, but, come on dude, 50 year olds don’t make fools of themselves in clubs.Would you really want this today? really? My initial reaction was ‘blech’.
Do like Faithless and all Massive Attack music, then again, their music dates us back 20 years when clubs raves and ecstacy were possible and age appropriate. JMHO.
The most amazing experiences I had it was under ecstasy. The sense of one that we are all interconnected, that we all share one mind. To look around and realize the beauty of each one of my companions, the sound of their voices were so melodic.
The people judging should spend more time looking within.
My daughter had an amazing experience while on ecstasy, she was given a roofy and ended up unconcious and assualted, probably by someone else having a lovin time!. She was eventually found and taken to hospital, mummy got the the bill for that ‘amazing ‘ experience.
Irena,
I’m so sorry. Unfortunately, when we’re younger, we’re too trusting that the people around us are as kind, gentle and loving as I’m sure your daughter is. And we find out to our sorrow and horror that they’re not. That there are wolves among the lambs.
I know that with a loving, spiritual and strong mother like you, that she will be able to recover and truly be the wonderful person she was meant to be.
Blessings,
Amanda
Thanks Amanda, it was a long time ago, she is fine now, she gets her highs surfing and skateboarding and doing capoera. All is good!
I just wanted to point out the down side of E.
I agree the wring was , as always, amazing.I think maybe that the object was the exercise, the writing was the objecive not the subject.
Irena,
You are taking things personally and barking at the wrong tree. By comparing my amazing experience to rape. I never raped anyone while on e. You see, Irena… I was doing drugs because I had a pretty shitty childhood and a pretty shitty mother. As a result when I did ecstasy I felt utter happiness, . That was then, I am 5 years sober and I still think those times rocked.
Alexandra,
Irena wasn’t comparing your experience on e to rape. She was talking about how her daughter took e — maybe in the hopes of having the spiritual experience that you talked about, maybe just to feel the experience of being swept up and swept away that Duncan talks about — and in that vulnerable state had a predator attack her. Even if she did go with friends, who then all took e as a group, it would be hard for any of them to look our for the others.
Drugs are a very two-edged sword. For every set of amazing, spiritual, joyous experiences there is a sub-set of people who suffer terrible physical, mental or emotional consequences. And in this society where so many are finding themselves in the thrall of addictions, I think that it’s totally right for someone like Irena to share from her own experience, the dangers along the path.
I’m sorry for your childhood. And I’m glad that you were able to have some moments of sheer happiness, blessedly without any downside. I, especially, congratulate you on your 5 years of sobriety. Because for you, now, that is your correct path. I wish you blessings on whatever path you continue to walk.
Love & Light,
Amanda
Amanda,
I always read your comments and I find you emotionally invested on this blog. By reading your comments I see that you are very smart. At the same time you are very warm and genuine with your feelings. Although some people pick on you, including myself you come across as a very sincere and fair person and that is a virtue. I say fair because you are defending someone elses comments. At the end of the day I answered her, because I was feeling combative at that moment. I truly do not care if upset people by my life choices. We all have the right to our opinon(s) and she was having hers. So… Miss Amanda, I thank you for your gesture of encouragement and empathy.
Duncan.. Flippant but art none the less. Good writing.. Bloggers more learned in the reading than the writing.
Robb,
Flippant? Where? Please show me the phrasing that you read as flippant, and I’m not being sarcastic here, I mean it. Because what I read was this, “After nearly 14 years of abstinence I AM HANKERING (Caps., mine.) the oblivion of an overwhelming high.”
Blessings,
Amanda
It is the mark of a great writer when they can make doing something bad seem beautiful. It doesn’t mean you, as the reader, have to rush right out and do so. If that were the case reading Perfume would have most decidedly turned me into a murderer.
Miss Stasha,
I read “Perfume” as well. And yes, Duncan, is a wonderful writer but the caveat that I and some of the other responders have, is that many of us came to this blog from seeing Duncan on “Sex Rehab” which was about struggling with sobriety after recovering from drugs and facing the trauma of striving for sobriety from sexual addiction. I can understand why talking about a drug in a nostalgic, even longing way, would be disturbing for them as it was for me.
Everyone in the end is responsible for their own behavior but we live in a society where more and more people are so wounded and empty that they are becoming addicted not just to alcohol, drugs, and sex but to food, the Internet, you name it. And a lot of them are becoming addicted at younger and younger ages. Just because you, in your maturity, would not be influenced by beautiful writing describing a horrible subject, does not mean that it’s not an issue. And someone who is committed to sobriety the way Duncan is, seems in this post to have lost sight of that and the influence that he has.
Blessings,
Amanda
Duncan has been sober for 14 years. Just because he feels nostalgic about a certain drug and chooses to write a beautiful piece about it doesn’t mean that he is going to use and even if he did that would be his decision and his alone.
You speak as if you believe Duncan has control over other peoples sobriety. If someone is deciding to remain sober and his words sway them otherwise then it is their weak constitution and that alone that did them in. Perhaps they shouldn’t read about the life of someone who has a daily struggle with addictions if it is going to effect them in such a negative manner.
I don’t read anything that leads me to worry for Duncan or makes me feel that he has lost sight of anything. I think he is being honest and really, in this day and age, what more can you ask of a person? He rips his chest open for all of us to see. He never said he was perfect. His beauty and those of his words is that he lets us, his readers, understand how things feel TO HIM.
I am not here to judge him and you shouldn’t be doing so either. He should be commended for being both open and honest with his feelings whether they be good or bad. There are not many people who would have the balls to do that. So he has admitted he has passing thoughts of flirting with E. He didn’t do E. Instead he kept himself busy putting the thoughts and feelings into words and allowed us the great privilege of reading about them.
I commend him for his bravery in staying true to both himself and those who follow his blog.
Stasha.. can buy my fume any day!
Well thank you Robb.
Euphoric recall…can I remind you all that I have been sober for 14 years this October 1st! Whilst some of you think it’s funny to drink alcohol I do not. Authors write about their experiences. I am getting kinda sick of your prurient messages. More people die of gun shot wounds and alcohol abuse than E in the USA. In fact, fat people..defending their girth are more likely to die prematurely from heart disease. So, before you start hating on people who take drugs think twice before you stuff that chili dog in your fat face and think about the hospital bills you will incur for your insatiable addiction to processed foods.
Duncan,
I think that you were going for priggish or prudish, not prurient; I don’t know if I agree with depiction of some posters, especially Jenny DeSouza and Irena. And did you read Irena’s response to Alexandra about her daughter? Yes, many people with food addictions may die prematurely but they won’t be in danger of being raped because they’re blissed out and unaware of their surroundings or the predators around them.
Blessings,
Amanda
WOW…did you just correct Duncan ON HIS OWN BLOG?
Whoops.
Duncan,
So… he WAS your drug. (As Jill said to Kendra of her husband on “Sex Rehab”.) And now, evicted from your silk cocoon and bereft of your drug, you are feeling separate, lonely and sad and already imagining, re-imagining, how great it would be to lose your Self in — ecstasy, the drug, since you can’t have emotional/sexual ecstasy. Of course that is the reason why sex has been so threatening to repressive societies and religions throughout the centuries and why a lot of spiritual writings speak in what appears to be sexual terms of the Beloved and the oceanic feelings of bliss that are found when swept up in the Love and Light. Sex gives us an intimation of what lies beyond each of us is our seemingly separate shells. It blindsides the ego and allows us to connect to another person and sometimes, the two people can connect to All That Is.
I don’t dispute what you or the others have written about the feeling of oceanic sexuality, the amazing connectedness or even the spiritual experiences that can unfold. Huxley wrote “The Doors of Perception” for a reason. Peyote is used in the Native American Church for a reason. But the reason isn’t to have a handy crutch when it’s hard to be human. It’s there to show us of what we separate ourselves from by identifying with our egos instead of our souls. The ego gives us our singlet identity — the me, me, me, I, I, I — but it’s arrogance and ignorance also keeps us from hearing our Soul when it speaks to us. The ego does not want to surrender, to lose itself, to let go to the true Bliss but it will use drugs to get a respite from itself. Drugs imprison us with our ego. True spiritual ecstasy frees us to join with others in the One. No fear, no struggle, no addiction.
Drugs are such a bane to Western society because we don’t know the meaning of moderation. We don’t know that they are meant to be a key to unlock the doors of perception but not to tear it off it’s hinges. They are meant to give us a glimpse of what’s beyond us and then we are meant to find the way through prayer, meditation, contemplation, or sex with a loving partner to get there under our own steam. It’s our birthright that we’ve been cheated out of by our blind and greedy culture. But then who would have need for the latest fad, would be slave to follow the latest trend, want more, more, more to fill the emptiness… if we could feel part of ALL THAT IS. We are being distracted to death. All to stay in the prison of ego.
You said “Drugs gave me so much more than a human could ever give me. For a few moments I am granted a reprieve. No thought, no care, nothing. Just me and the moment.” Did they really? How could you tell? In your mad head as you’re used to saying, not capable of being in your body, not capable of relating to another person in honesty because you were fleeing yourself, how could you have the experience of really relating to another person? And it’s not no thought, no care, nothing — NOTHING, really? — it’s being all that you are in union with all that they are and each being accepted and loved for the totality of your beingness. It’s certainly NOT annihilation.
Drugs took more of your sanity, your health, your wealth and the lives of your friends and lovers. Hardly something to long for or celebrate. Many people have suggested that you meditate; I don’t know if you are but you need to get out of your head. Yoga or Tai Chi, if you prefer movement or mantra, Transcendental Meditation if you need to be physically still and shut down the cacophony in your head — do something. Because — sorry — you’re not talking like an ex-addict, you’re talking like an addict. EVERYONE feels sad, lonely, without a compass at some point. Welcome to the human race. You’re in your body and feeling your feelings. Congratulations are in order, not condolences. You’ve been through hell and come back and the bad stuff will be felt first as if the wound in your Self were cleansing itself of infection but then you can heal and more and more feel the good. And being brave, you will be able to more and more open yourself to another and find your SOULMATE, not Mr. Right Now.
Blessings,
Amanda
Going with Duncan’s fume as well. This Blog has so many lines in the sand?
well let me add one more with my big toe..if you dont agree with what D writes, then dont get all up in tha air about it!
It is HIS blog.
I dont always like what he writes but i figure oh hell, maybe tomorrow i will.
A writers job is to make one think , and if thats the case, D does a good job of that. whether or not you agree with him, its no reason to dissect him like a bug.
i probably meant frog..long day in the heat.
Making love with great jazz as your rythmic guide. Tantric sex. Shamanic journeying to the beat of a drum. Walking in wilderness. Canoeing a stretch of water. Visiting sacred places. Reaching the top of a mountain. Meditating or praying with a group of people. Listening/dancing to gorgeous music. Reading a beautifully written philosophy or theology of someone who truly understands the unity of all things, including people. There are so many other ways to have experiences similar to what you are describing, and in my experience, more fully than with drugs.
Gorgeously written, I will read this post a few times!
Moira,
Brava!
Blessings,
Amanda
Lol 🙂 Thanks.
Duncan, why do you hate fat people so much? Has it not occured to you that many suffer just as you do, but instead of drugs, alcohol, or sex, they turn to food? I put on a lot of weight when I had just ended my third abusive relationship and my alcoholic mother died shortly after my alcoholic father died. The extra weight was a form of protection–I wanted to be invisible (especially to men) and I became invisible. I shut myself in my house and ate. It wasn’t until I was able to force myself to get help that I turned things around and began to develop a “normal” relationship with food.
Have you people read “Perfume”? It’s about a psychopathic serial killer and perfumier, whose main sensory experience of the world is through an extraordinary, almost supernatural sense of smell. He becomes infatuated with the smell of certain people and kills them to better distill their scent. It’s brilliant. And horrible. Not funny.
Duncan, why do you hate fat people so much? Many suffer just as you do, but turn to food rather than drugs, booze, or sex. My alcoholic parents died shortly after I ended my last abusive relationship. I shut myself in my house and ate. It wasn’t until I forced myself to get help that I began to develop a “normal” relationship with food again.
Moira,
Firstly, (((Hugs))). Secondly, do you remember that Duncan’s been dieting and pretty obsessed in a — hopefully — good way with health and fitness? Also, on the director’s commentary to “A.K.A.”, he spoke of his adult self as a “fat monster” compared to how beautiful he was as a younger man. He’s hard on himself. Sadly.
Blessings,
Amanda
Thanks for the hugs.
amanda.. metal rabbit…oy!
flippant is as flippant blogs.
your comments are no less reactive. the man is painting with words how he feels. step off.
Robb,
Dude! Yikes. I wasn’t being snarky; I was serious. I have been told that I’m reading things into what is written that aren’t meant and when a post is described as flippant and I have no clue, I’m wondering why and asking to be pointed in the right direction. To me, Noel Coward can be flippant. A lot of the dialog on “Psych” is flippant. Not getting flippant from this post. My bad — maybe. No reason to get your dander up. Chill.
Blessings,
Amanda
No “dander” disturbed.
…..authorship is exhibitionism, and readers a species of voyeur……Duncan is a beautiful writer and as I have said before some people have way too much time on there hands….
NYC10021,
According to either the old school or the Internet definitions in this article, the readers who contribute to the dialog are neither lurkers or voyeurs and the readers who don’t put in their ha’penny’s worth, like the write of the article are preferably called silent readers: “Voyeur, Lurker, or Sustained Silent Reader? How the Internet’s “Chatter” Has Been Changing Definitions” http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/6315
As for the generalization that authorship is exhibitionism… well, I’ll leave that to someone else.
Blessings,
Amanda
Amanda,
Give it a break….
Oh, snap! 😛
…their hands….
Duncan, I found your blog via the Sebastian post. I was a pal of Sebastian’s. We actually met in AA about 10 years ago I went there to score heroin, funnily enough. (and I found it. And I enjoyed it greatly)
I have to tell you Duncan, in my honest opinion you should really, really, fuck AA. Its poisoning your mind. Sebastian was a friend of mine too, and Jesus christ man, he would have loved the post right you wrote about him right up until you started talking about resetting your sobriety date and all the rest. Why did you swallow Dr drew’s cool aid? So you smoked some weed. it really isnt a big deal. Its about to be legal in California, and it wont give you cancer like the cigarettes that everybody always runs out to smoke at the end of every California AA meeting I have ever attended.
If you want to smoke weed, smoke it. If you want to do a tab – do it. You are in control. Dont worry about it. i am an ex junkie who has smoked pot every day since his ‘sobriety date’ and I’m quite happy, thank you very much. I have also enjoyed the painkillers that the doctor gave me when I had an abscessed tooth, and didnt feel guilty about it. Powerlessness is a poisonous concept. It wasnt the voices in my head that I had to worry about, it was the voices of the therapists, and the doctors all preaching helplessness, and other bullshit concepts.
By the way, Im not a regular reader of your blog, so feel free to ignore me. I suppose, at the end of the day, it doesnt matter. I dont want to be a preacher for drug use, any more than I would want to join the chorus of preachers chiding you for enjoying your memories of getting high. But I am as qualified to talk to you as anybody I suppose, as I have been off of heroin for 7 years, which is more than old Dr drew can say.
i have sort of fucked AA but I go to SAA instead. I am not resetting my sobriety date.
Beautifully written. That’s not an advocation; it’s simply a fact. It paints a picture — and I’ve taken e; it’s a pretty accurate picture — and that’s what great writing is meant to do. My own heart started pounding as I read the words and I could feel the rush…the oblivion of the overwhelming high. I, in fact, had 7 years of sobriety until very recently. It’s since been shot to hell after struggling with health issues and deciding I’d rather be “oblivious” than face my reality. Facing one’s mortality is far easier when one is blissfully unaware…or so that was my thinking when I took that first pill and chased it with a warm swallow of rum. So I’m back sober just 7 days, and I can tell you that while this post elicited a visceral reaction, it did NOT make me want to go out and score.
I love your writing, Duncan. It’s inspired, and inspiring. It’s certainly passionate. And it often makes my days just a little bit better. So thank you.
Great post Duncan!
The fact you are getting high and mightly in Duncan’s blog is obviously a veiled attempt to take blame from YOURSELF and place it on a third party. I mean I don’t know how you raised your daughter but I would have never taken a strange drug off someone like that and ended up in that position. Besides if your daughter would have done E with a gay man she would not have had that experience. Really. Take responsibility for yourself and your kids. I’m sick of parents always wanting to blame someone else when their kids fuck up.
Miss Stasha,
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!! (And I AM yelling now.) A woman writes about how her daughter had taken e, was then roofied AND RAPED — as a counter to all the 60’s/70’s/80’s let’s just drop a tab and drop out of reality for a while, spiritual quest or no, it all is just an experience that we learn from and move on (And BTW, you’re talking to someone who took acid back in the good old/bad old days) — and you have the freaking balls to slam her? So it’s blame the victim or the mother of the victim now? Quote: “Besides if your daughter would have done E with a gay man she would not have had that experience.” Well, NOT if said gay man was blissed out on e, swept up in all the oceanic love/sex/euphoria and unaware of anything but his own sensations and vulnerable himself. We all may agree or disagree with or perhaps misinterpret what Duncan has said but what happened to Irena’s daughter leaves no room for interpretation and to slam Irena and say that her daughter was to blame for what happened to her? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!!!!! I notice that you didn’t step into Jenny. But then she didn’t have a raped daughter that you could attribute to her bad parenting. JESUS! I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT IN THIS DAY AND AGE THAT YOU WOULD BLAME A WOMAN FOR BEING RAPED AND HER MOTHER FOR BEING ANGUISHED OVER THE SITUATION THAT BROUGHT IT ABOUT. BLOODY HELL!!!
I didn’t slam HER. I slammed her decision to pop into Duncan’s blog and to somehow insinuate that it was folks like him that led to her daughter being raped and not taking any responsibility whatsoever for the part she, as a parent, played/plays in the decisions her child makes.
I took drugs in my childhood too. I’m not speaking as a drug virgin by any means. But I also had specific conversations with my parents about it. Did they like it? No. But they said look we know you are going to experiment and we know that we can not stop you but we want you to be safe and this how we think you can accomplish that.
You are misinterpreting my meaning. I obviously don’t think her daughter is to blame for being raped but I do believe that her daugthers bad decisions led to the incident. Her mother didn’t say she went out to a club and had a drink spiked. No. Her mother said she did drugs with someone and that person spiked the drugs. Her daughter made the decision to do the drugs. Her daughter made the decision to do the drugs with that particular person. Her daughter made the decision to do the drugs with no one around to chaperon her or the experience to insure her safety.
Jenny? I had no internet yesterday so I haven’t even read any post from a Jenny but I will scroll up and try to find it so I am completely informed about what you are talking about.
Again I would never blame a woman for being raped but I would certainly blame her for getting herself into that situation. I don’t believe in that bullshit theory that “oh she wore a short skirt so she deserved it.” Absolutely not. But I also know that I, even as an experimental teenager, would have never taken drugs with a man capable of such things. I would have never experimented with drugs without having a sober friend with me. You can’t possibly tell me that her decisions didn’t at all play into the outcome. Do I think what the guy did was right. Fuck no I don’t. But I also think if her daughter felt safe enough to go to her mother and say hey I’m going to do this whether you like it or not that her mother could have spoken to her about safey precautions.
I also don’t think it is right for her mother to come here and slam Duncan because of her feelings about the incident that happened to her daughter. I never believe a woman is at fault for rape. NEVER. But I do believe that each of us, as women, must make smart, safe choices to make sure such things don’t happen to us.
Whether you agree with what I said to her or not you can’t tell me that you think she would have gotten raped had she not have made a choice of bad decisions. I don’t understand why so many women never put any responsibility on the victim. If I decided to walk through the shadiest part of town at night while doped out of my head I could probably expect something bad to happen to me. If instead I decided to stay home and have a sober friend watch over me then I’d probably be safe. It seems like common sense to me. I am not defending rape or the rapist. All I’m saying is that it was a long list of bad decisions that got her kid into a situation where she could be victimized. Blaming everyone else and not admitting at least that is bullshit.
I should have also stated that I, myself, have been a victim of sexual abuse. I went into a piercing/tattoo shop to get a piercing in my ear replaced. I was lying back in the chair and the guy sat on top of my legs and pulled my dress up and started putting hands and tongue where they should not be. I yelled, kicked, screamed, and pressed charges. At the time the male cops treated me like shit and said if I wouldn’t do a rape kit they couldn’t do a damn thing. Only thing is that fingers don’t leave dna. I still followed through and later when they guy actually raped someone it was my testimony that put him away and eventually led to his being deported.
I went to a highly respected establishment. I went with a friend. I still take some responsibility after all I did go into a locked room with a strange man while my friend stood outside smoking. I should have insisted she came in the room with me. Do I think I deserved what happened to me. Hell no. Could I have made better decisions so that I wasn’t in a position to be victimized. Yes. End of story.
Miss Stasha,
First, I’m sorry that you had such a horrible experience. I applaud you that you had the courage to stand up against the bastard that attacked you. I’m saddened that somehow you think that you, the victim, should bear some responsibility for not thinking that in a “highly respected establishment” with your friend right outside, that you would be vulnerable to attack. That we, as women, should always have to regard any situation where we’re alone with a man as an arena where we are subject to attack. And that we must always live as if we’re in a war zone. I totally disagree with that. You had every reason and expectation that you would be safe in your environs. It is the fault of the predator who attacked you and not yours.
As for Irena’s post. First, she was responding to Alexandra. Before you torched her for her responses, perhaps you should have read further down where she responds to me ” I just wanted to point out the down side of E. I agree the wring was , as always, amazing. I think maybe that the object was the exercise, the writing was the objecive not the subject.”
You said “Her mother didn’t say she went out to a club and had a drink spiked. No. Her mother said she did drugs with someone and that person spiked the drugs. Her daughter made the decision to do the drugs. Her daughter made the decision to do the drugs with that particular person. Her daughter made the decision to do the drugs with no one around to chaperon her or the experience to insure her safety.” THIS is what Irena said, “,,,she was given a roofy and ended up unconcious and assualted, probably by someone else having a lovin time!. She was eventually found and taken to hospital….” She says that her daughter was given a roofy. You are assuming that her daughter took it knowingly and willingly. You are assuming that she wasn’t with friends and hadn’t taken the e with them. And you are blaming them for not having the presence of mind to designate a sober person to be their guardian. Seriously? How many young kids go to a bar or a rave with friends and in their maturity and wisdom designate one of them to be a chaperon? And even if they had, in a crowded bar or a rave, how easy is it to be distracted for just enough time for a predator to slip something into a friend’s drink or for that friend to be cut out of the herd the way a leopard preys on a vulnerable gazelle?
Very few people ever expect to be victimized, especially, when they’re with friends. And young people especially, with a strange combination of arrogance and innocence, seem to think that they’re immune to the downside of mundane life. That doesn’t make them any less the victims. Predators are predators. They look for that one unguarded moment. They count on our assumptions of safety. BUT TO BLAME THE VICTIM FOR COMPLICITY IN THE CRIME IS JUST WRONG. (Not shouting, being emphatic.) You’re assuming that she made a series of bad decisions, and wasn’t just like Alexandra trying to perhaps find some minutes of pure happiness for whatever reason. You assume a lot.
Please stop blaming the victims. It’s as if you’re saying that unless women walk the world like female ninjas, prepared for every contingency, believing that they need to be prepared to defend themselves against any man they met at any moment because all men are capable at any moment of turning into predators, that they should share the blame when they’re victimized. If a mother turns her back for one second in a store, to walk to the end of the aisle, leaving her baby in the shopping cart and the baby is snatched by a child molester while her back is turned, is she complicit? Think about what you’re saying when you assign complicity. We’re all fallible. None of us is perfect. None of us deserves to be made to feel guilty for or shares complicity in being victimized.
Blessings,
Amanda
.. how interesting, that one mans blog….expressing his true feelings and being honest has brought out all the emotions that have ensued….think about it….
Next time I should feel emotions with my penis. And…I am thinking about it
Duncan has very thought-full “followers”.